Finale/After The Final Rose

Synopsis

With “viewing parties going on all over the country," Nick met Andi's family in the Dominican Republic. Andi's dad Hy, a recurring character on the show, expressed surprise that Nick was nervous to meet him. Hy checks in at about 6'5, 250, used to play football, perpetually wears a skeptical scowl, has come off as rather protective during previous appearances, lives in Georgia, has witnessed all the moves while raising two attractive daughters and actually came to the first cocktail party to scout the candidates. So yeah, a few jitters were understandable.

Nick talked to the family over a nice meal and a glass of wine. “They’re actually eating,” Melissa observed. Hy seemed unimpressed but Patti the mom started crying. Nervous Nick talked to Hy for a while and turned his porcupine quills into teddy bear fur. Hy gave Nick his blessing to ask Andi to marry him.

Josh met Andi’s family next. Hy immediately started making fun of Josh, joking “He doesn’t have a prayer." Patti wasn't impressed either. "This loud guy comes in with Andi and he keeps saying how nervous he is and how hot he is...He's just boisterous and kinda, a little chaotic," she said. Rachel and her husband questioned Josh about going five years without dating anyone and again he gave a mysterious answer, or his answer was edited to appear mysterious. "I do think he's taking it seriously...at least I hope he's taking it seriously," Rachel said.

Next Josh talked to Hy. Hy said Josh had a reputation of being a jock. Hy referred to Josh having “started a career” but what that career is remained a mystery. Then Hy gave him his blessing. Hy looked pretty menacing but softened over time and started cracking jokes. “Maybe Hy should host The Bachelor,” Bag said.

Josh and Andi got on a boat. They kissed and talked. Most of the discussion was about how much Josh loved Andi. We speculated about how excruciating it was gonna be for him when Andi picked Nick.

“Wouldn’t it be stressful to have two people about to propose to you?” Bag asked rhetorically.

Josh just kept talking about how strong his feelings were for Andi, how confident he felt about their relationship and how little fear he had going forward. “I have no thoughts,” he eventually summarized. Then he gave her a baseball card with her on it. Everyone was impressed but I reminded them Nick wrote her a cute storybook. “That was last week,” Bag said. “What have you done for me lately?” They kissed and smiled more. “I just don’t know,” Andrea said.

During the commercial break, Bag brought up AMC Flatirons and Melissa started talking about Cinebarre coming to Boulder. When it was finally done fastforwarding, Andi met Nick on a Dominican beach. They got in a Jeep. Nick drove. Bailey finally broke through and forced his way onto the couch. Andi and Nick had a picnic next to a lagoon. They had an actual conversation instead of just repeating how much they liked each other and how amazing they felt.

Nervous Nick made a rambling toast he admitted was terrible before delving into some legit relationship talk. He talked about how scared he was and needed to be reassured. Andi said “it’s gonna be alright,” which is the same name of this awesome Ween song about a devastating breakup. But somehow Nick walked away more confident than ever, saying she “gave all the right signs.”

“Nick is basically everything I’ve been looking for in a man,” Andi told the cameras.

Chris Harrison asked the crowd how they felt about Nick and they screamed and clapped. Chris asked the crowd how they felt about Josh and they screamed and clapped. “Josh’s fans are just loud,” Melissa remarked.

During a piano & strings highlights montage, Andi said some unconvincing stuff about Josh and summarized her feelings for Nick as “passionate.” Nick said a bunch of stuff that would end up being extremely heartbreaking if he lost. I didn’t write it down but planned to come back to write it down if he did lose.

[EDIT]

Nick said

1. "My gut tells me I'm gonna do what is in my heart, and propose to Andi. My gut tells me she's gonna say yes," (with a huge joyful smile). 
2. "It certainly will be a day I'll never forget."
3. "She continues to give me no reason to think it's not me." 

A ring salesman paid Josh a visit. They made it seem like he was headed to Nick’s place next, but then there was a breathtaking twist – the knock on Nick’s door was Andi, not the ring salesman. It was the closest thing to suspense I’ve seen on the show.

They maxxed out the guillotine drama by interviewing the farmer guy, Clare, and Drew (who A to Z sat next to at Lotus of Siam). Then they pretended to announce who the new Bachelor was gonna be, but then mined that for more suspense by saying he would be named later and went back to commercial.

While some terrifying, sparse Trent Reznor wind/music played, Andi began an unhappy speech to Nick. "I can't go through with something that I don't think is right," she said. "The feeling is not right." She said the long-term potential was not what it needed to be. She was worried about clashing with Nick's intense and overanalyzing personality, noting that she had one as well.

 “You’re gonna regret this, dear,” Andrea said. 

Nick questioned Andi's previous behavior which appeared to reinforce feelings for him. "Is this more about us, or about someone else?" he asked. Andi said nothing but made some body language that suggested "I think so, I think the other guy's better but I'm not 100% sure, but I'm not allowed to talk about that yet because it would give away to the audience how I feel about Josh."

Andi basically stopped talking and just looked down sadly and gripped the bridge of her nose. Then she left, walking out into a rainy hotel parking lot. “Good. I’m glad it’s raining,” Andrea said.

There was a shot of Nick pulling out all the roses he’d saved from the season from a backpack pocket, then throwing them into a hotel garbage can. Then he got into a hearse-like black SUV and shook his head sadly. He expressed how confident he'd been and started crying. "I really thought she loved me," he said, and noted how sad he was to be missing the part where he and Andi built a family. 

"Wow...Nick was absolutely blindsided - definitely didn't see that coming - he CLEARLY had his heart broken by Andi!" Chris Harrison said somberly but excitedly, Caesar Flickerman style.

During the epic commercial break after (even with 3x fast forwarding), Andrea talked about how safe picking Josh was for Andi and why she chose safety over realness in that scenario.

Josh arrived at a resort where Andi was waiting on a pond/beach. Bag noticed he had both buttons of his suit jacket buttoned. Josh began an enthusiastic, meandering proposal by talking about his baseball career. Andi’s response included words like “challenge”, “scared”, and “struggle” before suddenly turning it on its head, saying she loved Josh from the "moment I laid eyes on you", that it was always him, that she was "madly in love" with him, that she wanted to have babies with him and so on. 

“Let’s talk to her after football season,” Andrea said.

Josh dropped to one knee and asked her to marry him. She said yes and gave him the final rose.

“So we won?” Andrea asked. It was confirmed. “I love you,” Andrea said to Zack in a 25% acted Bachelor(ette) cast member style. “I love you so much. I’m sweating."

Andi and Josh kissed a bunch and laughed and joked and whispered and talked. She jumped into his arms and he carried her off into the sunset. 

After the Final Rose

There was a painful vignette that showed Nick wistfully looking at the Milwaukee and Kinnickinic rivers a number of times, followed by video of Nick coming to the Men Tell All taping hoping to see Andi. She refused to see him so Nick gave her a letter he’d written instead. “I’m hoping this could be the start of something,” Nick said. “Don’t make those Gondolier reservations just yet,” Bag said. “Does she really want to marry that Neanderthal?” he asked.

Nick came onto the set on the verge of tears. There was a subtle Trent Reznor air-blow sound as Nick talked about how devastated he was while managing to give Josh credit for being “a great guy” and “having a huge heart.”

“I guess it’s just…what it is,” Andrea summarized and then we giggled about that for a minute. 

They thought that emotional interview with Nick where he teared up was a good segue for the “Clorox Most Bleachable Moment” which turned out to be the awkward silence after the guys dissed Nick right before he walked into the room.

Andi came on and talked to Nick. He kept referring to the letter he wrote her, which of course nobody watching had read. He stammered through some more stuff while Andi sat silently. Chris Harrison asked Andi if she loved Nick at any point and she quickly said no, that she liked Nick and all but she was in “a greater relationship” with the man she loved, Josh. Then Nick dropped a monster bombshell, asking Andi why she made love with him if she didn’t love him (and did love Josh).

They thought that emotional powder keg was a good segue into another Bachelor in Paradise trailer. “When does Hard Knocks start?” Melissa asked. I raised my eyebrows intently.

Josh came on and talked about eating steak dinners with Andi and playing golf with Hy while Nick fashioned a noose backstage. Then they brought a frowny-face cat on stage while I contemplated and decided against making more Nick suicide jokes.

Final Standings

Andrea & Zack: 43 points

Josh M: 38

Eric: 0

Marquel: 5

A to Z played to win, drafting three risky high-upside players. It paid off. Thanks to the cryptic edit, it's still hard to tell exactly who Josh M was and what he really does. But we do know Andi liked him the best of all the guys - loved him, in fact - and ultimately it wasn't really all that close.

Melissa & Tom: 39.5 points

Nick V: 30.5

Nick S: .5

JJ: 8.5

Growing up, I was into girls like Andi. Beautiful girls with the social intelligence to make a nerd like me feel comfortable. Sometimes these girls liked me too, just not as much as whatever Jock they were into at the time. I'm not comparing myself to Nick, but this may be why I felt so bad for him. 

Of course, a truer edit probably would have been far less stomach-churning. In an undoctored edit, Josh and Andi's chemistry is more evident, he's more Solid Southerner than Potential Douche and it's not a surprise for her to choose him. It seems Josh was always The Guy and the edit bent over backwards to make it appear otherwise. Personally I think it was taken way too far - why not present it as a two-horse race between The Jock and The Nerd? Of course, maybe it was a two-horse race - maybe, even, it came down to those fateful nights in the Fantasy Suite.

Kelly & Phil: 39 points

1. Marcus: 20

2. Brian: 11.5

3. Andrew: 4.5

+3 team bonus

Why did Andi have sex with Nick if it was "always" Josh? Nick's revelation - a revelation which came after he tried about twelve times to get an answer for it without explicitly stating it - begs a ton of questions. Did Nick have any chance at toppling Josh? Was Fantasy Suite performance a factor in Andi's decision? Did she tell Josh she had sex with Nick the night before (presumably) having sex with Josh for the first time?

Bri & Doug: 30 points

1. Chris: 23

2. Patrick: 5

3. Ron: 2

The characters of The Bachelor(ette) are suspended between acting and reality. Especially the Bachelor(ette), him/her self. Andi proved to be a stronger actress than Juan Pablo or Desirae, but not that much. Andi's final episode crushed her previously healthy reputation. She had sex with a man other than her fiance' just a few days before getting engaged. It is hard to argue around that fact.

Andie & Eric: 13 points

1. Dylan: 9

2. Tasos: 1.5

3. Craig: .5

Still no Bachelor revealed. You have to wonder if they are 

a) holding off to reveal on and charge up ratings for Bachelor in Paradise

b) holding off to let Nick recover before making him The Bachelor

c) holding off because they don't like any of their options and they're still casting

I'm hoping it's c) but camera edits hinted strongly at it being the farmer guy. I will not be fired up for a farmer guy Bachelor season.

Dregs: 9.5 points

Bradley: 2

Brett: 2

Carl: .5

Cody: 5

The plan is to take a look at the premiere of Bachelor in Paradise, assess it for gambling purposes, and consider how to create a pool with it.

The Men Tell All

Synopsis

It started off with some pregnant lady who used to be on the show and her husband wasting our time for a few minutes while we roasted in my scorching condo. The lady had a hole in her dress so they rubbed jelly on her belly and did an ultrasound on the lady. “This is why it’s two hours,” Paul said. Bag made a What if the baby was dead? joke. I laughed but Andrea turned and gave him a look of horror and Paul smacked him with a negative comment. The baby turned out to be a boy. The impending dad was excited to watch football with him.

“Fasten your seatbelts, America,” Chris Harrison said before showing a meandering five-minute quick-edit trailer for Bachelor in Paradise that featured handcuffs, an ambulance, ominous Harrison soundbytes and a lot of skin. “How are we going to gamble on this?” Bag asked feverishly.

The dudes who Andi rejected showed up wearing scarves. Nick the bald golfer who we drafted had hair plugs. Dylan didn’t appear suicidal. The dudes barely got a word in before they showed another epic quick-edit montage of stuff we’d already seen. During a review of the "Blackie Incident", Andrew accidentally called Marquel “Ron” which was the name of the other black dude on the show.

The most exciting thing that happened during the ten minutes of Blackie Incident Breakdown was that a bird slammed into our living room window. Maybe it was a tropical bird seeking the rainforest-like conditions in our house. The second most exciting thing was watching Bailey try to steal Melissa’s seat when she went to get an ice water. Both animals were soundly rejected.

The most exciting thing that happened during Marquel’s “hot seat” interview was the sun went down and the temperature fell a couple degrees inside our house.

Marcus’s interview with Harrison served as another advertisement for Bachelor In Paradise. Then the farmer guy came on. Melissa said “I’d date a farmer,” before hastily adding “if I wasn’t engaged.” Andrea mumbled something flattering about the farmer. They showed the farmer’s ugly exit from the show while Bag joked “Whelp. See ya later!”

“He’s such an overall good guy!” Andrea gushed. Melissa instantly concurred and Bag accused him of being a Monsanto farmer. Then some random Canadian chick came down to meet him and ask him out while Dylan yelled “YOLO!”

Andi came on and deftly quieted the likes of Farmer, Marcus, MeatHead and Marquel. Somehow Hair Plug Nick got his third monologue of the show in even though he was voted out before Lamp Guy, Opera Guy and Forgotten Firefighter. Harrison asked Andi about Doug's pregnancy rumors which she denied. Then Harrison broke out the lie detector results. Brian, JJ and the farmer (surprise, surprise) passed the test flawlessly. The test said Marcus lied about sleeping with fewer than twenty women, Dylan lied about preferring brunettes and being ready for marriage, and Josh lied about something Andi decided to keep in the envelope.  


Standings

Kelly & Phil: 39 points

Marcus: 20

Brian: 11.5

Andrew: 4.5

+3 team bonus

Am I remembering that it's usually the "Tell All" episode when they reveal the next Bachelor(ette)? Or is it "After the Final Rose"? Or might they reveal him during Bachelor in Paradise?

Melissa & Tom: 35.5 points

Nick V: 26.5

Nick S: .5

JJ: 8.5

As recapped last week, we are the favorites to take this title, but Bag made a good point that Andi not revealing Josh's lie detector fails gives him a shot in the finale. If Andi had his results shown, chances are she wouldn't currently be in a relationship with him.

Andrea & Zack: 32 points

Josh M: 27

Eric: 0

Marquel: 5

Marquel will be an intriguing Bachelor in Paradise sleeper, just as he was this season. The presence of other non-white women will bolster his chances of accruing points.

Bri & Doug: 30 points

Chris: 23

Patrick: 5

Ron: 2

Cheer up Farmer fans. This time a year ago we were bemoaning Zak W - and look what happened to him.

Andie & Eric: 13 points

Dylan: 9

Tasos: 1.5

Craig: .5

Dylan - who had "the personality of a yam" according to Phil - looks tanned, rested and refreshed coming off a debaucherous stay in Paradise. He'll be an intriguing Bachelor in Paradise draft pick.

Dregs: 9.5 points

Bradley: 2

Brett: 2

Carl: .5

Cody: 5

Cody, on the other hand, looks like the same FriendZone MeatHead he was this season.

Episode 9

In Vegas I missed Melissa the most, Colorado the second most, and my DVR a close third. The Bachelor(ette) is borderline unwatchable without one. Fast-forwarding through the dozen commercial breaks and endless "COMING UP!" teasers is pretty much mandatory if you want to get through the two hours without a violent incident. It was far more enjoyable watching at home, stretched out on the couch with Melissa and Bailey, though I did miss the commentary of Andrea, Bag and Paul.


Synopsis

The first segment was an unnecessary fluff summary of Andi’s feelings for the final three guys. “Josh has the kind of personality that I think every woman would be attracted to,” she noted. “NO.” Melissa said firmly. “Speak for yourself.”

In the Dominican Republic, Andi and Nick hopped into a helicopter and flew over the ocean and made out. “They keep missing all the great views,” Melissa said as they continued to canoodle. They went to a beach and went swimming, but not before the camera zoomed in on Nick's hairless abdomen. They made out in the water for a while in their matching swimsuits.

They had dinner at a resort and Nick read her a storybook he wrote about them. Then he told her he loved her and they made out some more and then they went to the fantasy suite and probably made out more and maybe a lot more than that.

The very next morning Andi “climbed out of bed with one man and went on a date with another,” in Melissa’s words. That man was Josh. “I haven’t seen Andi in…it seems like more than a week,” he said as they left. Josh turned out to be a pretty good Spanish speaker and was comfortable around the Dominican kids they played baseball with. They ate (read: looked at) dinner, then went to the fantasy suite.

Chris the farmer and Andi rode horses and played hide-and-seek. He hid like twenty feet away behind a leafless bush. Andi said that was her favorite part of the day. It was definitely better than the next part of the day, which was her crying and breaking up with him.

Chris Harrison and Andi recapped a bunch of crap we already knew. They decided to have a pointless rose ceremony where Chris pretended he was going to fetch the farmer just to mess with Josh and Nick, who then got roses from Andi.

Standings

Kelly & Phil: 39 points

Marcus: 20

Brian: 11.5

Andrew: 4.5

+3 team bonus

Marcus looked pretty torn up in the "Men Tell All" preview. I'm fine with the Marcuses and Codys of the world on Bachelor in Paradise. But what's the plan for the next Bachelor? I could stomach the Josh/Nick loser but doubt ABC would choose either one. I'd love Marquel but he appears booked for that Paradise show. Dylan, Brian, JJ, etc. aren't options. I'm holding out hope for someone original, but the overwhelming favorite has to be...

Melissa & Tom: 35.5 points

Nick V: 26.5

Nick S: .5

JJ: 8.5

We win if Nick wins and doesn't ask Andi to marry him, or asks Andi to marry him and she says yes. I'm 85% sure Andi has known it would be Nick for two months now, but Josh has always been that 15% option. The threat of him seducing Hy with 50-yard-line seats for UGA football is unsettling too. Not sure what you rose-colored glasses-wearers saw in Marcus - he was never interesting enough for Andi. If Nick wins, proposes, and gets rejected, the defending champs would beat us by half a point - pending an exhaustive scoring review.

Andrea & Zack: 32 points

Josh M: 27

Eric: 0

Marquel: 5

Substitute "Josh" for "Nick" in the above paragraph and A to Z wins. However, I think Josh's chances of having a marriage proposal rejected are 5x Nick's. Nick isn't dangerous the way Josh is. I doubt it but Andi might actually be more intrigued by Josh and choose him - but she'll likely want a few months to make sure he's legit.

Bri & Doug: 30 points

Chris: 23

Patrick: 5

Ron: 2

It's irrelevant but I didn't give the farmer guy a -5 for "quitting the show for any reason other than failing to receive a rose at the ceremony." I also added a +2 to his score for saying "I love you" to the Bachelorette, a bonus I also added to Josh and Nick's scores. Marcus was previously awarded this bonus. Anyways...the farmer guy is likely to be the next Bachelor, I'm afraid. There's no other suitable option unless they pull someone out from the vault or get some fresh blood in there. Hopefully they will.

Andie & Eric: 13 points

Dylan: 9

Tasos: 1.5

Craig: .5

Dregs: 9.5 points

Bradley: 2

Brett: 2

Carl: .5

Cody: 5

I dunno about gambling on Bachelor in Paradise. With the cast returning from previous Bachelor(ette) seasons, A to Z and K&P would have a marked advantage. Actually, who am I kidding? It's August, there's nothing on TV, I'm sure I'm gonna end up watching this crap and gambling on it will make it thrice as fun. We'll watch an episode and then figure out how to bet on it.

Episode 8

Professional poker players often refer to the day you're knocked out of the World Series of Poker Main Event as "the worst day of the year." There are a lot ways to cope with this elimination. Many players, like me, immediately get drunk. Some might hop in a low-stakes game and slough off chips for a few hours. Some just immediately leave town. So what did Paul Wasicka do this year when he got KO'd?

He drove home, went up to his room, and watched the latest episode of The Bachelorette. Without telling me. I had planned on watching it with him. He actually said it was good enough he'd watch it again with me, but that kind of fizzled and I finally got to it last night with Melissa.


Synopsis

Andi went and visited Nick in Milwaukee, which is an underrated town. They went to a market. Then they went to Lakefront Brewery, which is a legit cool micro, not the kind of swill Milwaukee is known for. So good job Nick, and another good job in arranging an "Andi & Nick" beer tap there. They drank beer and did the polka. Then they went and saw Nick's parents and his ten siblings. That's a lot of siblings, but Andi remembered all their names.

Iowa borders Wisconsin so it wasn't too far for Andi to go to see where the farmer guy lived. He took her on a tractor ride. Andi said he was "barley", which is what I sometimes call Bailey the Dog cause he's black and brown and his name is close to it. I think she meant "burly." She also said he was "the hottest farmer ever."

Chris jokingly told Andi she had an opportunity to be a homemaker if she lived in Arlington Iowa with him, then said she could be a district attorney in Cedar Rapids. I did a google maps search and found that it's 1hr 12 mins from Arlington, IA to Cedar Rapids. Melissa isn't a fan of the thirty minute commute she currently has so Chris and Andi might have to rethink that one. I can only imagine Andi's google map search was more discerning than mine. gg, Farmer.

Too bad, cause the Farmer made a nice play where he had a plane fly by with a streamer that said "CHRIS LOVES ANDI". Andi said it was "without a doubt the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me."

The farmer had a cool family that liked to play a hide n seek variant on their farm.

Then Andi headed down South to play baseball with Josh. She had a really good swing. We would definitely recruit her for co-ed softball if she lived in the Boulder area. They went to the Murray house where QB hero Aaron was the main focus. The Murray parents and little sister were there but Aaron's scorching-hot girlfriend was not.

Finally Andi headed over to Dallas to hang out with Marcus. He stripped for her and then they went to his mom's house to hang out with his family. Apparently they didn't know he was in town because they just walked into the house without a doorbell or a knock or a greeting and found them hanging out on the couch.

Marcus opted to tell his brother how important he'd been in his upbringing, something he'd never shared with him before, which was odd because it wasn't a private moment. In fact, it was filmed and then aired in an edited form on national television.

Even though Marcus is Texan, I'd felt like he had some Euro in him from the start. Identifying someone as Euro based on appearance and other limited information is an important ability for poker players, so I was thrilled to hear Marcus's mom start talking in what I believe was an Eastern European accent.

Everyone reconvened in "Chris Harrison's house" and Chris told them that Eric the Dead Explorer had died. Marcus went outside, breathing heavily. Josh pretended to be bummed out while Nick just looked bored.

At the rose ceremony, Andy ousted Marcus while some sparse Trent Reznor-style wind-blowing music played.


Standings

Kelly & Phil: 39 points
1. Marcus: 20
2. Brian: 11.5
3. Andrew: 4.5
+3 team bonus

The defending champs closed with a couple bogeys and now have to wait in the clubhouse to see how their competitors handle the back nine. I have no idea if Marcus was cool or dorky, I'm still unclear if he was humble or conceited, not sure if Andi gave him serious thought, and uncertain if his mother was from Eastern Europe or Central Asia. I do know I don't want to see him be the next Bachelor.


Bri & Doug: 27 points
1. Chris: 20
2. Patrick: 5
3. Ron: 2

Big episode from the farmer guy. He hasn't taken a misstep all season. Even that "homemaker" comment that appeared so damning in the trailer turned out to be a joke. He's everything a red-blooded American woman could desire. Having said that, he has zero chance of toppling Nick. Bri & Doug are technically still in the mix, but I just can't see the farmer actually winning this competition.


Melissa & Tom: 26.5 points
1. Nick V. 17.5
2. Nick S. .5
3. JJ 8.5

Here's the deal: if I computed all the scores correctly, if Nick gets through the fantasy suite night, if he receives the final rose and if he either asks Andi to marry him and she says yes or doesn't ask, we will win the pool. That's a lot of ifs, but I still like our chances.

Andrea & Zack: 23 points
1. Josh M: 18
2. Eric: 0
3. Marquel: 5

I believe everything I just wrote holds true for Josh M and A to Z as well, though they definitely need an accepted marriage proposal to pull this out.

Andie & Eric: 13 points
1. Dylan: 9
2. Tasos: 1.5
3. Craig: .5

Dregs: 9.5 points
Bradley: 2
Brett: 2
Carl: ..5
Cody: 5

What's the word on this Bachelor in Paradise thing? I'm too worried about spoilers to google it. Shall we have a pool? Shall we have a live draft at the Gondolier?

Episode 7

Synopsis

My FIANCEE Melissa emailed me some comments she wrote while watching the show. Bag did a nice job of putting the annoying mouse arrow in the bottom right where the ABC logo pops up and we got right to it on a 109 degree afternoon in Vegas.

The bros walked into a hotel. They were wearing either hoodies or scarves. I thought the scarves looked unnatural on the farmer guy and pink-shirted Marcus. “Nick looks like he knows how to put on a scarf,” Andrea said, which I concurred with.

Andi said that traveling, for her, meant "immersing yourself in everyday life." "Like staying in posh hotels, walking through the touristy parts of town and going on lavish dates," Melissa wrote.

Upon learning that Marcus got a one-on-one date, Josh let out an expletive. Andi and Marcus went for a walk around Brussels. They ate and, as usual, left a ton of food and beer on the table. No problem though, they went and had dinner next. “It’s turning into a therapy session now,” Andrea said when Marcus started telling a sob story about his absentee father. They were too busy talking to eat their food.

"Poor Marcus. He's not going to win," Melissa said. "Not feeling the chemistry. He's a lot like the pretty boy from last season's Bachelorette." I think Melissa meant Drew, who Andrea and Zack actually sat next to the other night at Lotus of Siam.

Nick made a hokey, aggressive move where he surprised the Bachelorette by finding her hotel room and knocking on her door.  “Girls like that shit,” Andrea said. “I would want him to come to my door.”

“I don’t like Nick at all,” Paul said emphatically. They went to a coffee shop and talked for like five minutes. Then they made out for like thirty minutes.

Andi and Josh M went for a walk and ate a piece of chocolate. “That was literally phenomenal,” Josh said. They actually ate a decent amount of bread or sandwiches or something and talked about vulnerability. “I think this date’s going well for him so far,” Paul said. “I give it a 6,” Andrea said.

Then they went to a church. Then they went to a castle for dinner. Josh told Andi he was falling in love with her and she lit up like SamENole when someone announces there’s gonna be a game of Dr. Mario. They let their food go to waste and made out a bunch. “This is going excellently,” Bag said.

Back at the hotel Nick was feeling cocky. "Nick is wearing a picnic table cloth for a shirt," Melissa noted. Chris looked pissed at him. “I feel like the farmer’s gonna plow him over,” Andrea said. Get it?

For the group date, they went and walked around some old castle ruins. “The ruins stood the test of time, and I’m hoping Andi and I’s relationship will also stand the test of time,” Dylan said.

Then they went on a weird bike-cart-train thing. Then they went to an abbey. Andi and the farmer reenacted this famous scene from Ghost. Except for the part where they had sex. They did make out though. "'He looked good in that denim shirt' - said no one ever...until Andi," Melissa said.

Nick said some more cocky shit that pissed his inferiors off. Then Andi gave him the group date rose as his inferiors seethed. “I feel like she just told me she loves me,” Nick said.

“Brian is pissed!” Paul said. The inferiors got in a car and started cursing. Dylan had to sit bitch. No surprise. They went back to the hotel and told Marcus and Josh about it. Marcus cursed too.

Nick and Andi kissed and held hands some more. “The only way anyone else has a shot is if Nick has a small penis,” Bag said.

They played a word choice game. “Big or small?” Nick asked. She asked him back. “Go big or go home,” Nick said. Then they watched some fireworks.

Nick went home and sat on a couch. His inferiors seethed silently until Brian finally snapped and then they all went off on Nick for a few minutes. Marcus swirled his red wine, Brian’s voice got nasal and the farmer cracked his knuckles. Dylan was a no-show.

Chris told Andi he was falling in love with her. “That sounded like a job interview,” Bag said.

At the rose ceremony, Andi offed two of the inferiors, Brian and Dylan.

Standings

Kelly & Phil: 35 points

Marcus: 16

Brian: 11.5

Andrew: 4.5

+3 team bonus

Brian is finally back in Pennsylvania practicing halfcourt jumpshots, but he may have hung around long enough to give the defending champs an insurmountable lead. Can Nick pick up 14 points on Marcus? He'll only pick up six if he wins, successfully asks Andi to marry him and Marcus finishes second. He'll only pick up 10 if he wins/successfully proposes and Marcus finishes third or fourth. He'll pick up 14 if he wins/successfully proposes and Marcus doesn't make it to the fantasy suite or become the next Bachelor. The defending champs have to be considered big favorites to repeat. 

Bri & Doug: 22 points

Chris: 15

Patrick: 5

Ron: 2

Chris the Farmer seems like the best candidate to be the next Bachelor. I'd be less than thrilled, but could stomach it. I've been hoping for Zach W from Desiree's season, but that appears less than likely based on this Facebook photo.

Melissa & Tom: 21.5 points

Nick V: 12.5

Nick S: .5

JJ: 8.5

Nick V has this thing locked down. Maybe he does view it as a game. Maybe he is constantly thinking strategy. What's wrong with that? It doesn't mean he's not passionate about Andi (who obviously feels more for him than the other dudes combined) and it doesn't mean he's "not here for the right reasons." The big reason why he bugs the other guys is they know Andi likes him more than them.

Andrea & Zack: 18 points

Josh M: 13

Eric: 0

Marquel: 5

Josh is the only fellow with a shot at toppling Nick V. We're still waiting on the big moment when Josh is revealed to be either a) a hustler with a heart of gold or b) a sleazebag. It doesn't feel like there's middle ground there. I think it might be Hy that gets to the bottom of this one, if he's not mesmerized by Josh's connection to UGA football.

Andie & Eric: 13 points

Dylan: 9

Tasos: 3.5

Craig: .5

Bag asked me to make more fun of this team, which was a fair request considering the way I blasted his squad last season. There's just not that much comic meat here. Craig was a silly drunk, Tasos wore two earrings and Dylan never smiled or talked. As feeble as this team was, it still outscored the Dregs and doubled the output of A to Z's Bachelor team.

Dregs: 9.5 points

Bradley: 2

Brett: 2

Carl: .5

Cody: 5

Hometowns will be fine and all, but aren't likely to match the edgy candor of Juan Pablo's powwow with Hy last season. I sure hope Hy puts in an appearance during Josh M's "hometown" this week.

Episode 6

Synopsis


They went to Venice, Italy. MeatHead thought he was going on a one-on-one date, but Andi took V instead. MeatHead said he felt like a pet dog. Meanwhile, Andrea had a one-on-one date with Cosmo the real dog on the couch. She likened him to V, complimenting him on his suaveness.

MeatHead was frustrated and talked about it with the farmer guy. “Way to be a shoulder, Chris the Farmer,” Andrea said.

Andi and Nick drank beer and ate gelato while Bag played with his phone. Then they went to what Andi called a “masquerade hall” with paintings on the ceilings and ate dinner. Actually they just drank wine and kept talking about the same crap they’d been talking about the whole time. “Is this a repeat of the first twenty minutes?” Bag asked while furiously tapping the touch screen of his phone.

“I wish they would just try to eat their food,” Andrea said. “The pasta is getting cold.”

Andi took the guys to a dungeon and had some Italian goons give them a polygraph test. Josh M was, in his own words, “a little bit on edge.” In Andrea’s words he was “totally freaking out.” Dylan admitted to sleeping with over twenty women and not washing his hands after going to the bathroom, then nearly lost his lunch and went back to the hotel.

Paul came in, peeved that we started watching it without him. So we backtracked and replayed the dungeon part. Andi ripped up the results even though there were some liars alleged by the polygraph.

Cody and V hung out in a sauna staring at the floor. V had a better body than I expected.

Marcus told Andi he thought about leaving early in the show before his one-on-one date. Then he told her he loved her. Josh M dug himself a hole with a defensive reaction to the polygraph. “Josh is a goner, Moon,” Paul said. “Maybe not this episode, but soon.”

Andrea and Bag left for Bag's soccer game. “Wait, what??” Paul asked, mortified that we had to pause it.

At night they came home and we watched the second half. The farmer guy admitted he was Andi’s secret admirer. Then they made out. “He looks like he’s a really good kisser,” Andrea observed. Then Andi gave the farmer a rose. Bag and I discussed which guy we’d most want to live in our Vegas house. We decided on Marquel, partly because he’s from Las Vegas. JJ spouted off a wild three-minute monologue which pissed off the farmer guy.

Cody the MeatHead finally got his one-on-one date. Five minutes in he proclaimed it to be “the best first date I’ve ever been on.” They wrote letters. “It gives me a chance to express, through letters, exactly how I feel, in words,” Cody said. 

“This is just a one-way street, right now,” Andrea summarized. “Poor Cody. Poor Macklemore."

Then they went to dinner somewhere nice. “Miami Vice,” Andrea announced upon seeing their dinner outfits. Andi’s pants were the color of her skin which was confusing and Cody wore a V-neck with the V practically down to his belly button. “It shows his cleavage,” Bag said.

Cody attempted a hopeless, sinking-ship speech. “This is rough,” Andrea stated. Andi started crying and tossed him. A blue-coated bellhop came up and grabbed his bags.

Chris the farmer gave V a hard time about talking to Andi first at the cocktail party. Josh M was empathetic to V. Dylan contemplated it somberly and announced “I should have done that.”

During an uninspiring batch of overtures, Bag started checking his phone again. Jeff almost fell asleep and I proudly concluded that V was winning the show. “He’s got it in the bag,” concurred Andrea.

Chris Harrison showed up and asked Andi about her week. “Who’s this guy?” Jeff asked. “Her therapist?”

“What a waste of time this is,” Bag said. “We just watched [everything Andi was talking about.]”

At the rose ceremony, we realized we’d forgotten to call JJ “Bill Nye” all episode and lamented it. They tried to make it seem like Josh M might not get a rose but obviously it ended up being JJ who was packed into the black van to end the night.

Standings

Kelly & Phil: 31.5 points

Marcus: 13

Brian: 11

Andrew: 4.5

+3 team bonus

Ho-hum episode for these boys. Marcus has a hometown in the bag and Brian has a leg up on Dylan for another spot. Toppling the defending champs won't be easy.

Bri & Doug: 20.5 points

Chris: 13.5

Patrick: 5

Ron: 2

Andrea compared Chris the Farmer to Chris the Guy Who Won Desiree's Season. It's a strong parallel. The farmer is just sort of hanging around, being nice, and letting other dudes melt down. That could be enough to win if Josh and V implode down the stretch.

Melissa & Tom: 19 points

Nick V: 10

Nick S: .5

JJ: 8.5

V is going to win this thing going away, but will it be enough? We're 12.5 points back of the defending champs and have half the players.

Andrea & Zack: 15 points

Josh M: 10

Eric: 0

Marquel: 5

Nothing to panic about yet for Josh M. He's still a mysterious, dangerous, charismatic character. Andi connects with him better than any guy except V and thinks he's better-looking than any guy except Marcus.

Andie & Eric: 12.5 points

Dylan: 8.5

Tasos: 3.5

Craig: .5

Eric Schwartz's sad hopes hang on Dylan, who surprisingly got the first rose at the ceremony. Don't be fooled - this is one sorry team. Dylan will be lucky to get a pity hometown and won't be making it past that stage. The only silver lining for Team Jersey is that they've ousted the Dregs - unless Dylan hara-kiris like he did after that lie detector test.

Dregs: 9.5 points

Bradley: 2

Brett: 2

Carl: .5

Cody: 5

MeatHead's dinner date was painful to watch. He needs to consider it a moral victory to get as far as he did.

Episode 5

Synopsis

There was an endless “previously on”/ “coming up on” opening trailer that lasted like 15 minutes. The show finally started and the crew wound up in France. Andrea and Melissa decided to go there next week. Then they ripped on Andi’s skirt.

“Bonjour” some of the guys said. “That’s all they know how to say,” Melissa said.

Chris Harrison showed up wearing a Euro turtleneck and had a contrived conversation with Andi. The girls ripped on Andi’s skirt some more. “I know it’s supposed to be all in right now to mix textures, but I’m just not a fan,” Melissa said. “It’s not a good look,” Andrea concurred.

They went to a harbor. “This is, like, a harbor,” Andi said.

Then they got on a boat and Josh bragged about what a high draft pick he was in baseball. He claimed he stopped playing because he wanted to be a family man. None of us bought it. He did not attempt to explain why he’s unemployed.

Back at the house, JJ started a brouhaha by claiming that Andrew said “blackie” referring to Beverage Sales Ron and Marquel. “Andrew’s really not that cute,” Melissa said. “He’s got the tooth thing. Sometimes his lip covers his tooth and it looks like he has a tooth missing," she explained.

Andrea entertained us with a mime routine during the commercial break. I miss my DVR.

Andi and Josh had dinner in a castle. Actually, they looked at their dinner and talked. Then they danced while some wannabe Chris Isaak strummed in the courtyard.

All the guys except the one-on-one daters met up with Andi. “How is she choosing those shoes?” Melissa asked, bewildered. “To go exploring in Marseille??”

They had to be mimes in a city square for the group date. Nobody stood out, except for sourpuss V who was uncomfortable and whined about being on a group date.

JJ took Andi on a ferris wheel. She liked it. She gave him the group date rose. “Well played, Pantsapraneur,” Bag said.

The guys got in a bunch of arguments that night. There was drama over V making fun of Cody for feeling thankful. Cody bitched him out and told Andi. Marquel confronted Andrew in front of everybody about allegedly calling him a blackie. Andrew said no I didn’t. It reminded me a lot of a first grade class.

V sort of apologized, and sort of admitted it to Andi. She sort of bought it. “I dunno Moon,” Paul said. “I don’t see much long-term going on there. It looked like she had a very skeptical look on her face."

PiMaster wandered downstairs. “Is this almost done?” he asked. We told him it was two hours. “It’s two hours???” he asked incredulously.

Andi and Brian went and saw a movie about food. Then they went to the market and got food. Then they went to an apartment and tried to cook it, but Brian was a huge fail in the kitchen. “This is disastrous,” Paul said.

They sat down to eat. “Bon appétit,” Andi said. “Why not?” Brian asked glumly. They started to eat it, then gave up and went to a restaurant. Brian talked about what a spectacular date it was while Melissa made shoveling motions and Andrea mimed a noose. For some reason Andi gave him the rose anyways.

“Wow, that was a big surprise,” Paul said. “I just don’t see it,” Bag added.

“He made a shot from halfcourt,” Melissa reminded us.

Andi ixnayed the cocktail party and sent Andrew the Douche, Patrick the Douche, and Marquel the Blackie packing at the rose ceremony.

Standings

Kelly & Phil: 28.5 points

Marcus: 11.5

Brian: 9.5

Andrew: 4.5

+3 team bonus

For a moment there it looked like the defending champs might lose two ponies in one episode, but Brian got out of that hot kitchen just in time. I don’t know what he has to offer if he can’t cook. There won’t be any more dates on the basketball court this season, so he better have an ace up his sleeve.

Bri & Doug: 17 points

Chris: 10

Patrick: 5

Ron: 2

The farmer guy isn’t making up twelve points by himself, so DouBri’s only chance is for Marcus’s girlfriend to crash the party just as Brian is implicated in a high school sex scandal. It’s not a bright outlook. 

Melissa & Tom: 15.5 points

Nick V: 7

Nick S: .5

JJ: 8

Is V a closet d-bag? I don’t think so. He’s confident, he let that confidence show, and he apologized. Andi’s not going to mind that he’s a curmudgeon on group dates – she often commented on their absurdity during The Bachelor. It’s JJ that might be the secret shithead. Instigating the Blackie Scandal was way out of line. Not owning up to it was worse.

Andrea & Zack: 13.5 points

Josh M: 8.5

Eric: 0

Marquel: 5

I still don’t know what to think about Josh M, and neither does Andi. He’s straight out of Bruce Springsteen’s “Glory Days”, he’s counting on his little brother to get that second NFL contract, and he’s way past red on the Douche Detector. But there’s something charming, something indefinably intriguing about him too. Time will tell.

Andie & Eric: 11 points

Dylan: 7

Tasos: 3.5

Craig: .5

Dregs: 10.5 points

Bradley: 2

Brett: 2

Carl: .5

Cody: 6

This is gonna be a photo finish between A&E and the Dregs. MeatHead is going on a one-on-one date next week. Dylan is the odds-on favorite to bust at the next rose ceremony, so if MeatHead survives his one-on-one, the Dregs will likely put the cone of shame on A&E.

Episode 4

Synopsis

They went to Connecticut. The farmer guy said it was “kind of a heartland, only on the East Coast.” The guys did a fake toast in a bathtub.

Dylan was chosen for the one-on-one date. Andrew the Douche expressed skepticism over Dylan’s chances of surviving the date. Paul agreed. “I don’t think they have the spark. He seems like a good guy, but I just don’t know. She seems bored.”

“I seem bored,” Bag said.

They got on a train and went for a ride. “I’ve never really had an elaborate date,” Andi said. There was the time she went to the beach with Eric the Dead Explorer, then they took a helicopter ride to the top of a mountain, then went snowboarding, then had dinner in an elegant cabin while talking about Syria and other adventures, then roasted marshmallows by the fire. She had been on a few dates since then, so maybe she forgot. 

Dylan told Andi about his dead siblings and they both cried. Then she gave him the rose. They never touched their food. Maybe it was a plastic prop. Then they blew the train whistle. 

The guys went to play basketball with some WNBA players. 

“I’m looking forward to this basketball game,” I announced. “More than game 3 of the NBA Finals?” Bag asked, and I said yes.

Andi obviously never took a basketball elective like I offer at school. Not a pretty jump shot.

First the guys played a team of WNBA players and got annihilated. Then they divided into two teams and played each other. Marquel jumped like a black man. MeatHead got rejected by a girl, good practice for what's gonna happen in a week or two. V fumbled a nice pass on the baseline. Josh M. was a turnover machine. Brian the basketball coach totally dominated so Andi gave him the date rose. In the locker room postgame the losing team acted like they’d just lost Game 7 of the NBA Finals while dramatic piano & string music played. The winning team sprayed champagne.

Then Andi and Marcus went rappelling off the roof of the Mohegan Sun. Andi was scared. Marcus rappelled in his blazer and jeans. It took a while for Andi to get going. On the way down they talked about Mahjongg and golf. “Sounds like taking care of a drunk person,” Bag said.

They rappelled past the room where the guys were staying and they banged on the windows. Andrea suggested the guys take their pants off and push their wieners against the glass. “Would you do it?” she asked Bag. “It’s kind of like mooning.”

“Is Marquel there?” Bag asked.

They had dinner and Humble Marcus made his triumphant return. Then they went to a miniature country concert and danced and kissed. “This guy’s stock is skyrocketing,” Paul said. “It looks like she’s having a GREAT time.”

Then Marcus said “I think I’m falling in love with you.” Boom. Two more points for Kelly & Phil. 

At the cocktail party, Andi talked to and kissed several of the guys. “Wow, she is kind of just getting around here,” Paul commented.

Eric the Dead Explorer confronted Andi about being a TV actress and having a poker face all the time. He wasn’t very delicate about it and it pissed Andi off and then he caught a cab and then he died in a paragliding accident.

There was no rose ceremony shown, but Tasos was sent back to Denver to plan more weddings, play more frolf, and buy more earrings.

Standings

Kelly & Phil: 23.5 points

Marcus: 10

Brian: 6.5           

Andrew: 4 
+3 team bonus      

The defending champs came roaring back after an ugly episode 3. Marcus left his douchebag costume in California. He took care of business on that rappelling date and should cruise to the final eight. The episode could not have gone any better for Brian, who's in line to pick up more points when he gets a one-on-one. He's looking like a final-eight lock as well. Andrew is hanging around as the Token Douche. I'd forgotten to give this team the 3-point bonus for being the last to have all three contestants remaining, which has been corrected.

Bri & Doug: 15 points

Chris: 8.5                       

Patrick: 4.5                       

Ron: 2

Nothing to see here. Someone, I think it was Bag, mentioned that the producers might rig a two-on-one date featuring Andrew the Douche and Patrick the Douche. Seems fitting.

Melissa & Tom: 11.5 points

Nick V: 5.5           

Nick S: .5

JJ: 5.5    

V is crushing the competition without remorse. This is a man amongst boys. Marcus had a nice date and all, but he and Andi don't have the chemistry. Andi likes Josh M., but at the end of the day he's still an unemployed jock. The farmer guy lives in Iowa and Brian is a cute little afterthought. V is way, way ahead of these other tools. He's got this if he wants it. 

Andrea & Zack: 10 points

Josh M: 5.5                       

Eric: 0

Marquel: 4.5                       

Ouch. I actually liked Eric the Dead Explorer's wild move, just not the execution. I think Andi would have been happy to discuss the fake plastic nature of the scenario they were in. She likely would have been open to some mild questioning of her on-screen persona if Eric had been a little more polite, a little more tactful. Andi really didn't take it well, which surprised me and Eric both. We gave Eric a -5 for leaving on his own terms rather than getting kicked off. Tough, tough beat for A to Z, whose team was looking tough.

Andie & Eric: 9.5 points

Dylan: 5.5

Tasos: 3.5

Craig: .5

It was fitting that Tasos was invisibly sent home. The guy never got a fair shake. Phil bet someone Tasos would finish 5th/6th or better, so he lost. 

This team is finished. It would be a monumental upset if Dylan won the final rose - and even that likely wouldn't be enough for A&E to win the pool. A&E should be counting their blessings that Andi spared Craig till the rose ceremony. If he'd been saddled with a Negative Eight, this team would be historically bad. As is, they're neck-and-neck with the Dregs.

Dregs: 9 points

Bradley: 2

Brett: 2

Carl: .5

Cody: 4.5                       

Doug asked about posting the points system. It's now been added as a post and as a link on the right side of the blog. Doug also asked about the bracket. That's not happening unfortunately, I didn't have the time to get it cranked out. I still think it will be a fun addition for future seasons.

The Bachelor & Bachelorette Points System

.5 POINTS

-Going on a group date

1 POINT
-Receiving a rose

2 POINTS
-Going on a 1-on-1 date
-Explicitly "winning" a group date
-Saying "I love you" or "I'm falling in love with you" directly to The Bachelor
-Accepting a marriage proposal from The Bachelor
-Season-specific bonus (Meeting Camila, getting Hy's blessing, etc)

3 POINTS
-Defeating another contestant in a 2-on-1 date
-Being the first to kiss The Bachelor on the lips
-Being the last team with all remaining contestants

4 POINTS

-Going on a Hometown date
-Being invited to the Fantasy Suite

-Finishing in 2nd place

-Becoming the next Bachelor(ette)

8 POINTS
-Finishing as the final contestant

-1 POINT
-Losing a 2-on-1 date

-3 POINTS
-Failing to get a rose during a 1-on-1 date

-5 POINTS
-Quitting the show for any reason other than failing to receive a rose at the ceremony
-Having your marriage proposal rejected

-8 POINTS
-Getting kicked off the show for any reason other than failing to receive a rose at the ceremony

Episode 3

 

Synopsis

After about seventeen minutes of set-up including a four-minute battle with the annoying mouse cursor arrow, we got the episode rolling. Paul joined us and had a lot of interesting commentary.   

“It’s almost like the Survivor of the dating world,” Paul said, and talked about how it was a game that the guys were trying to win rather than actually trying to fall in love, which I thought was accurate insta-analysis.

"The farmer guy looks like a young Jeremy Piven," Andrea said. “Like a chunkier Jeremy Piven.”

Nick V met Andi on a pier in Santa Barbara and they rode bikes. Andrea commented on their helmets. Meanwhile, Marcus and Andrew the Douche talked shit behind his back. Then Andi and V went hiking and wore hoodies. Bag played “QUANT” and “TOKAY” at the same time in Words With Friends so I guess he thought the date was boring like I did.

V talked about how romance to him was being able to find someone else and choosing not to. Andrea and Bag joked about how they could both find someone else. Andi gave V the date rose and they kissed a bunch of times.

Most of the guys went on the group date, including a cocky Marcus, who was hoping he wouldn't go so he could go on a one-on-one instead. It was a singing date with Boyz II Men, who are more like Men II Geezers at this point. Bradley the Opera Singer was naturally fired up but took it a little too far with the opera inflections. “What is he supposed to do, not sing well?” Bag asked.

They sang a song at a Men II Geezers concert. Cody, Ron, and Brian were terrible, but not as bad as Marcus, whose “voice sounds like a chicken being strangled,” according to Eric the Dead Explorer. “Oh my god. This is just so bad,” said the Fish. “That guy (Ron) is really [expletive] bad,” the Fish pointed out. A little girl in the crowd covered her ears.

Marcus called it an “adrelanine” rush. Then he forgot the lyrics for his part. Talk about a C'mon Man. Tasos was good. I always like Tasos and Bag always hates on his double earrings. Andi said it was one of the best days of her life, which was weird because I thought she was a happy person.

Andi played a funny joke on Cody where she pretended guys had said that he had a girlfriend, then laughed like it was candid camera. Cody took it well.

Marcus awkwardly asked Andi to kiss him and she did. “This guy seems like a douche,” Fish said, summarizing Marcus’s episode.

Josh M. made out with Andi too. “I don’t like this guy at all,” Fish said. “Man, I do not like this guy,” he added. Then Josh M. got the date rose.

Andrea said something nice about the farmer guy and that she might choose him. “What if he’s a Monsanto farmer?” Bag asked. “Then I’d convert him to non-GMO,” Andrea replied.

JJ went on a one-on-one date. Bag, Andrea and Paul had a conversation about his nipples. He and Andi got made up to look like old people. JJ looked ridiculous. Andi somehow still looked pretty. They went to a park and talked to strangers. “I don’t think that kid’s buying it,” Bag said of one youngster they were conversating. Probably because an enormous HDTV camera was pointed at them from across the lake. Overall it was offensive and way less funny than Uncle Drew.

JJ was a good choice for the date but that’s all. “This guy has no shot,” Fish said. “Filler date,” Bag said, summarizing it best. “I would not have wanted that to be my first date with you,” Andrea noted.

Beverage Sales Ron had a friend die on him so he had to leave the show. No negative points. Tough beat for DouBri.

JJ made it clear to Andi he was a nerd. Dylan told the Farmer a sad story about drugs in his family.

V owned Eric the Dead Explorer and the other chumps by ordering flowers for Andi that arrived during the rose ceremony. Marcus was cheesy. Andi said he was sweet but didn't seem as excited to be around him as she did V and Josh M. Andrea said that when a girl says “you’re sweet”, that’s code for “I’m just being nice.”

Andrew got confronted about getting some other girl’s number and bragging about it. JJ and Josh M. were particularly perturbed.

Andi had Lamp Guy and Opera Guy pack their bags. Andrea gave words of encouragement to Opera Guy and even offered him a tissue. Bag wondered if they would have dedicated the show to Lamp Guy if he had died instead of Eric the Explorer.

Standings

Bri & Doug: 12 points

Chris: 7

Patrick: 3

Ron: 2

This will be DouBri’s last week atop the leaderboard. Chris the Farmer continues his cruise to a 4^th place finish. Patrick is getting minimal screen time. DouBri was unfortunate to lose Ron, though his upside was something like 9 points and a 7^th place finish.

Andrea & Zack: 11.5 points

Josh M: 4

Eric: 4.5

Marquel: 3

Another strong episode for Josh M. He's neck-and-neck with V for alpha dog right now. He needs to show that a) he's employed or eminently employable and b) he has potential for humility to win this thing, but he's obviously going deep. Andi lights up like a Christmas tree around the guy.

Kelly & Phil: 9.5 points

Marcus: 4

Brian: 3

Andrew: 2.5

Absolutely disastrous episode for Kelly & Phil. Marcus’s douchebag disguise came flying off and Brian did nothing of note (no pun intended). Andrew picked up a hostess at a restaurant, but that doesn't reward bonus points in our pool.

Melissa & Tom: 8.5 points

Nick V: 4

Nick S: .5

JJ: 4

Things couldn’t have gone much smoother for the MoonBee this episode. V and JJ grinded out solid one-on-one dates while V’s greatest rival’s stock bottomed out like the late 2000s Vegas housing market. It won't be long till our rivals each have two players left too, so the points deficit shouldn't be too much of an issue.

Dregs: 7.5 points

Bradley: 2

Brett: 2

Carl: .5

Cody: 3

It appears we pegged the dregs this season. Three are toast and Andi is just keeping Friend Zone Cody around so she can go on a fun silly date with him when she needs a break.

Andie & Eric: 6 points

Dylan: 2.5

Tasos: 3

Craig: .5

We didn't learn any new information about this team other than Dylan's brother and sister both used drugs and died. Tasos would be a fun guy to play frisbee golf with but isn't making headway with Andi. This team is still in danger of losing to the Dregs.