Episode Four

Synopsis

Melissa ran the dishwasher the night before we left Las Vegas and we discussed whether it would still be filled with clean dishes when I returned a week later, or if my three housemates would unload it by then. We both ended up betting the clean dishes would still be in there. When Bailey and I got back to the house after an 11-hour drive through northern New Mexico and Arizona, we found a stack of dirty dishes in the sink, the dishwasher full of the clean dishes Melissa had loaded, counters covered in soda cans and Starburst wrappers, and a toilet with a turd floating in it. I took Bailey out, turned on the Bachelorette, paused it, went to Zupas, came back and played the episode.

“My name is in your mouth!” Eric exclaimed to Lee. “That’s what makes me mad!" He continued to yell while I sipped on mushroom bisque. “You do you. I’m’a do me,” he said shortly after, pulling an entry straight out of the Corinne dictionary. Lee broke in on Kenny’s conversation with Rachel, rankling Kenny. Dean complained about Lee, calling him “a bitch” to the cameras. Brady struggled with the word “quirks”, confusing them with the subatomic particles “quarks.” Matt the Penguin made a rare appearance, bursting “whoaaaa!” when Kenny told him Lee had gotten double time with Rachel. Bryan made some nice moves but dropped a “one thousand percent” which is a pet peeve of mine cause nothing can be more than one hundred percent. Then he did his signature aggressive, wild kiss. Meanwhile, in Boulder, Melissa, Andrea and Zack discussed whether Bryce looked more like a chipmunk or a beaver. Kenny confronted Lee about taking his time and Rachel noticed while talking to a contestant I didn’t recognize. Lee called Kenny “Jesus.” Lee predictably got the last rose, while Diggy, Brady and Bryce were sent packing.

They went to Hilton Head. Dean and Rachel drove a jeep to Bluffton, which would be a great location for a PokerStars screenname. They drank champagne on the hood of the jeep while a blimp approached. During the commercial break I transferred trash from this recycle bin which Melissa had clearly labeled to the garbage can. 

Dean expressed fear about riding in the blimp. Rachel and Dean piloted the blimp with a joystick before making out. Then they trolled the guys, flying by their hotel while the blimp flashed a sign that said “Rachel & Dean 4 Eva.” At night they drank intriguing-looking cocktails at what may have been a plantation. Dean said religion and snowboarding was the foundation of his upbringing until his mother died of breast cancer. He smiled and cried. Andrea compared him to Nick for smiling inappropriately. Rachel held off on the tears because she didn’t want him to cry more, but shed a couple to the cameras. Then they went to a concert by someone named Russell Dickerson. Zack predicted a second-place finish for Dean. Andrea pulled up a picture of a young Indiana Jones to prove Dean looked like him, then divulged she used to kiss her pillow and pretend it was Indiana Jones, but wouldn't disclose how long ago this practice took place.

Rachel and a huge group of guys got on boat called The Vagabond and drank cocktails with giant plastic straws, surely tilting Andrea. They danced and did the limbo while Rachel wore a captain’s hat, reminding me of the Booze Cruise episode from The Office which I ranked as the 7th best in the show’s history. Josiah did twenty pushups with Rachel on his back. Kenny and Peter rapped. Then they held a Spelling Bee. Kenny missed “champagne” even though he later showed he knew it. Iggy died on “boudoir”. Eric was way off on “façade”. Peter missed “coitus”. They didn’t show some of the other bustouts. Josiah made a good "use it in a sentence" move with "stunning". Anthony missed “boutonniere” which I missed too and missed again typing up the blog. Will went out in second place on “physiological.” Josiah won it on “polyamorous” and then got polyamorous with the trophy he won. Later he drank his cocktail out of it.

Rachel and Peter talked about whether they would move from their homes. The Boulder crew noted that Peter not-so-subtly said Texas sucks and he would never in a million years live there.  Rachel revealed she was licensed to practice in Wisconsin and would move there. Eric had a successful conversation. Iggy, whose upper body had quickly recovered from last week’s bus-chucking, tossed Josiah under the bus. Once again, he immediately told the victim about his efforts. Once again, the victim was not pleased: Josiah told the cameras Iggy “does drugs and shoots steroids into his nuts.” 

Rachel confronted Lee about his shenanigans at the cocktail party. Lee called Kenny a “butthole” and a “220 pound *%$# ballerina” to the cameras. Kenny freestyled some more for Rachel before she asked him about Lee. He said a lot of stuff while I was distracted by Matt Viox (not SamENole Matt and not Matt from last episode’s blog, Matt who is PiMaster's brother) telling me he won $115k in fantasy baseball but I did manage to catch Kenny calling Lee "an alternative facts piece of garbage” and “a reptilian piece of garbage.” Then Adam (not Adam from the show, Adam the poker-playing housemate) came home and instantly launched into a bad beat story. The twist was the bad beat story was about a big dinner he just had with a bunch of his parents’ friends, not the $20k he lost playing poker earlier in the day. Kenny confronted Lee as some intense music crescendoed. “There’s a fight that’s gonna happen. Blood’s gonna be shed,” Alex said as the “TO BE CONTINUED” flashed across the screen. 

Standings

Julia & Paul - 17

1. Dean - 9

2. Anthony - 5

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1

Dean busted out a five-point episode on the strength of a group date and impressive one-on-one complete with crying. He's the most obvious Next Bachelor since I’ve been watching the show. The age gap may catch up to him in the final episodes, but that won’t be a problem when he’s doing the picking next season.

Andie & Eric - 16

1. Bryan - 4

2. Alex - 6

3. Adam - 5

4. Blake - 1

Alex and Adam have both somehow outscored Bryan to this point, which could be crucial down the stretch since Bryan has fallen five points behind Dean.

Melissa & Tom - 15

1. Peter - 6

2. Josiah - 5

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

Though we grabbed the last team standing bonus (a ruling which could change if anyone ever commented on this blog), we've since dropped below our competitors in players left. Josiah will have to outlast the Alexes, Adams and Anthonys of the world for us to have a shot.

Kelly & Phil - 14

1. Jack - 4

2. Matt - 4

3. Lee - 5

4. Blake - 1

Jack Stone continues to underwhelm, Matt isn't doing anything and Rachel hasn't shown much patience for villains. However, Stone has a one-on-one pending and could potentially pull a Whitney and make a late-season charge.

Andrea & Zack - 10

1. Eric - 6

2. Will - 5

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2

Andrea is apparently rooting for our team now. Welcome aboard the bandwagon!

Bri & Doug - 9

1. Kenny - 5

2. Iggy - 4

3. Diggy - 2

4. DeMario - -2

Kenny, Iggy and Diggy have a better shot of turning up in a nursery rhyme parody than Fantasy Suites. The good news for B&D is Bachelor in Paradise is set to resume filming after producers were exonerated in the Corinne/DeMario scandal.

Episode Three

Synopsis

Melissa, Bailey and I arrived in Vegas just in time to grab some Zupas and figure out the TV at our WSOP rental house before the third episode of The Bachelorette began. We didn't even unpack the Prius. DeMario tried to get back on the show. Rachel wouldn’t let him.

At the cocktail party, The Tickle Monster broke out a pair of gigantic cushion-hands. Alex broke out a Rubik's cube. Kenny broke out pictures of his daughter. Will broke out a mini basketball & hoop. Blake complained some more about Whaaabooom. Whaaabooom speculated that it was because Blake actually had a crush on him, claiming Blake stood over him eating a banana while he was sleeping. Blake told Rachel that was impossible because he didn’t eat carbs. They jammed a second set of commercials in at the 16-minute mark.

At the rose ceremony, Blake said it would be “a classic case of bad defeating good” if Whaaabooom got a rose over him. Our housemate Matt (not SamENole who is a different Matt) asked me about the hand that decimated his stack in the Colossus. We had a 10-minute discussion about the hand while Melissa Instagrammed. “If Lucas gets a rose, another little piece of me dies,” Blake said. “I am very confident I am going to get a rose, because I deserve it." Rachel got rid of both Blake and Whaaabooom along with someone named Jamey. “He lives in my town. I can’t get rid of him,” Blake said. “You live in L.A.,” I said.

Blake came up to Whaaabooom and put his arm around him. “I just wanna say, f*** you bro, you’re a piece of s***, you’re here for the wrong reasons, I got drug into your bulls***, I see right through you, I know why you’re here, and it kills me,“ Blake said. Whaaabooom made fun of him. Blake continued his tirade with some fake whaaaboooms. The argument degenerated into them shhhing each other. “Graceful exit for both of these guys,” Matt said.

Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, Fred and Rachel went to see Ellen Degeneres, which enthused Melissa. For the first time I realized Ellen’s last name started with “Degen”. Ellen tickled the Tickle Monster. Rachel and the guys went on the show. The Tickle Monster was surprised to learn someone had kissed Rachel already. “Maybe it was a kiss on the cheek,” he wondered hopefully. “It wasn’t,” Melissa said.

I looked up and the guys had their shirts off and were dancing in the crowd getting dollar bills stuffed in their pants by the audience. Alex twerked. “I think that guy’s done that before,” Matt speculated. “I think he lied about his profession.” They played Never Have I Ever. Alex admitted he’d peed in the pool at the mansion. Three guys said they’d texted a nude photo, including Alex. “It was classy,” he said. “Yeah. Like his dancing,” Matt said. Fred said he’d dated someone twice his age, which didn’t surprise Rachel.

They went to a loft to drink. Alex, who Matt was now referring to as “The Pool-Pee-er”, told Rachel some stuff about eye movement that would be useful for poker players before making out with her. Fred asked Rachel if he could kiss her, which made her feel awkward. Then he made out with her, but we all agreed it was what Matt called a “dismissive kiss.” Moments later Rachel got rid of Fred. We had a discussion about whether he cried. “His eyes were sparkling!” Matt said. “Squeeze it out!” Melissa exclaimed. Alex got the date rose. We didn't give Fred a point for crying.

While fast-forwarding through the 6^th commercial break, Matt said he didn’t like the women in L.A. because they were too skinny, and many didn’t look right because of their “augmentation.” Melissa told a yoga story about a woman whose fake boobs looked weird when she laid down. Anthony and Rachel rode horses down Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills where Melissa and I went a couple months ago. We also just watched the movie Beverly Hills Cop which mostly takes place there. They rode the horses into a store and shopped for boots. Matt was convinced at least one of the horses pooped in the store, but they didn’t show it. But they did show the horse’s poop in the next store where they went. They blurred the horse poop for some reason. “Some poor intern had to clean that up,” Melissa said. “Who’s the lowest man on the totem pole?"

Anthony and Rachel danced in front of a jazz quartet. Bailey gave me the “please can I get on the couch?” look for a third time. I didn’t know if he could so he had to stay on the floor. Eric had a bit of a meltdown. Rachel came into the house with some girls from the last season, including a sober-looking Raven. They got on a bus with a pole in it. Several of the guys danced with the pole. Raven asked Bryce and Lee who was there for the wrong reasons and they both immediately threw Eric under the bus (not the bus with the pole in it, the figurative bus).

They went mud wrestling. Kenny the professional wrestler talked a lot of trash, then lost to Bryce. Kenny told Rachel he used to be a Chippendales dancer in Vegas, then ripped his shirt off and danced for her. Rachel told Eric that Bryce and Lee threw him under the bus. Eric confronted them about it. Then he got the date rose.

At the cocktail party, Rachel appeared to drink beer out of a cocktail glass, impressing me and Melissa. Iggy had a conversation with Rachel about Eric, followed by a conversation with Eric recounting his conversation with Rachel. Eric then had a conversation with Rachel recounting his conversation with Iggy. Then Eric had a conversation with all of the guys about Eric.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 11

1. Bryan - 2

2. Alex - 5

3. Adam - 3

4. Blake - 1

Alex is the key guy here. If he can outscore the other second-round picks (all drafted before him), this team will go places. Bryan remains the frontrunner.

Melissa & Tom - 11

1. Peter - 4

2. Josiah - 3

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

We snagged the bonus simply by spotting an accidental spoiler on DeMario and avoiding Blake. Bryce defeated a professional wrestler at wrestling and still didn't win the date rose, so he'll be out soon.

Julia & Paul - 11

1. Dean - 4

2. Anthony - 4

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1

Anthony's date with Rachel was blah and used up most of the clips of him shown in the trailer, so he's looking like an 8th place sort of fellow. Brady's Zoolander impression at the end of the show was too "accurate" for him to last much longer. It will be a surprise if he's still around half an hour into next week's show. It's all about Dean for the 2x defending champs - but Dean is going to score a lot of points.

Kelly & Phil - 9

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 2

3. Lee - 3

4. Blake - 1

Jack Stone has been a major disappointment thus far. Will he step it up? Matt the Penguin was invisible this episode - I had to check to see if we missed him busting out of the Rose Ceremony near the beginning of the show. Lee's descent into darkness has begun. He may do some damage on his way out though.

Andrea & Zack - 7

1. Eric - 5

2. Will - 3

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2

This is a bad team, but it is better than A to Z's pitiful Survivor squad. Eric is standing on shaky ground. Will is likable but hasn't gotten enough screen time to be taken seriously.

Bri & Doug - 5

1. Kenny - 3

2. Iggy - 2

3. Diggy - 2

4. DeMario - -2

Nothing to see here. DeMario was a bad beat that we could do something about, but his dismissal won't matter. Neither team that chose him has a chance.