Finale/After The Final Rose

Synopsis

A bunch of Juan Pablo’s relatives flew out to Saint Lucia to the villa where he was staying. Clare came over. Clare kept saying “one thousand percent” about things and admitted she doesn’t speak Spanish even though her mom is Mexican. So math and foreign languages are not strongpoints, but she can cut hair and make out in any kind of weather.

JP’s dad said “I love you,” to Clare, which was interesting because he’d known her for five minutes when he said that. But if you watch The Bachelor, you know that it often takes just a minute or two for true love to develop.

Clare left and Nikki came over. They mentioned all the places they’d been and JP said that they went to “Kansas” when they actually went to Kansas City, which is mostly in Missouri. Nikki even said she was from “Missouri.” So maybe Clare and JP are a good match.

JP’s cousin Rodolfo, who may have been on the prowl for sloppy seconds, told Nikki that JP was prone to give up on relationships at the first sign of difficulty.

Chris Harrison interviewed people in a live studio audience because they didn’t have enough material for a two-hour show. Some lady in the audience made the good point that JP’s family basically warned both girls that they’d be getting in a lot of fights with JP. Then Chris Harrison actually found a guy in the audience who wasn’t Bag and interviewed him.

JP and Clare took a helicopter ride past that insane pointy mountain. Right before they got out, JP said something about not knowing Clare, then said something sexual and crude. Clare wouldn’t say what it was, but she was disturbed.

That night JP came over to talk to her. JP kept asking for a besito. Clare was perturbed about whatever he said earlier and turned her face.

Clare gave him like two minutes of cross-examination, then completely crumbled and it was besitos time while they listened to some crappy song they’d listened to on their first date. On point as always, in the studio Sharleen said it “was painful to watch…a girl’s intuition ringing and she just ignored it.”

Nikki and JP went on a boat. They talked and kissed. Then they went to a beach where they talked and kissed. Nikki was hoping JP would tell her that he loved her, so apparently she didn’t know the rules that he wasn’t allowed to say that before the final rose. Then they went to a hotel room. They sat on a bed and talked about nothing for ten minutes straight. Seriously, they talked about nothing. Here’s an actual transcript from their conversation:

JP: “It’s almost over.”

Nikki: “Yeah, it is.”

JP: “Are you looking at something?”

N: “I was just thinking.”

JP: “I know.”

N: “I was thinking.”

JP: “What you were thinking?”
N: “Just, it is, like, it’s almost over…[pause]…It’s like, I’ve been like, wanting it to be the end, you know, for a while but, like, now that it’s here it’s, like, kind of scary, and like, kind of like, I don’t know.”

JP: “Me neither. That’s the worst thing. I don’t know. It is what it is.”

Just imagine the drivel that was edited out, if that banter made the final cut.

JP left without saying anything meaningful and Nikki cried.

There was a climactic ceremony in a forest/stage near the beach. Melissa had a lot of commentary about this portion of the show. A few highlights:

• “Heels on sand?? Damn, that is a better woman than me.”
• “That gate is stupid.” She had a good point there, it was a silly wooden gate with nothing on either side.
• “Here’s how this shot went: Juan Pablo - look longingly at that rose. Juan Pablo - stare off to the side.”  
• “What is she wearing?? Does that not look like lingerie?"
• “Your lips should NOT match your eyebrows.”

There was a five-minute commercial break (I counted on the DVR) and then Chris Harrison escorted Nikki from the beach into the tele-forest.

JP admitted he wasn’t one hundred percent sure that he wanted to marry Nikki, which made him one thousand percent more respectable to the audience while disappointing Nikki one thousand percent. Then he gave her the last rose.

After The Final Rose

Clare gave a fishy explanation that she was somehow liberated by telling JP off when we all know she’s the kind of girl that would rather distort someone she loved into a villain rather than feel pain or admit wrong.

She kept saying that JP is “not the man she thought she was” even though the only thing that really changed her mind was him choosing Nikki over her.

Chris Harrison asked Nikki if JP had told her he loved her, and she sort of said no and sort of avoided the question. Chris asked again and she said that he showed her that he did with his actions, but he hadn’t said the words.

Chris asked JP about the surprise he had in store. JP said he had no surprise. Chris asked him how he felt about Nikki. He said he felt great about her. Chris asked him if he loved her. He said he wasn’t going to answer that. Chris asked Nikki how long she’d give him to tell her he loved her before she’d leave. Chris asked where they were going to live and JP said “We’ll figure it out.” Chris kept prying but JP used the word “private” about sixteen times. Which was weird because he had no problem displaying his love life, abdominals, mating habits, family and daughter on national television for two and a half months. You could fry an egg on JP’s forehead and Nikki looked like she was about to burst into tears, but Chris kept cool as a cucumber.

JP spoke cryptically about “plans that changed drastically” because of information he recently received from someone in Bachelor production. Then the usually cardboard Chris morphed into a cross between Jeff Probst and Jon Stewart. He tossed out a slew of sarcastic jokes while monologuing that it was “a rough ride”, “awkward” and “something [he’d] like to move on from.”

Then there was a promo and interview for the next Bachelorette: Andi.

Final Standings

Kelly & Phil: 51.5 points

Alli: 5

Nikki: 39

Kat: 7.5

The finale left me with so many questions and so few answers. What in the world happens during the four month layoff between the end of taping and "After The Final Rose"? How often do they see each other? What are the specific rules for their rendezvouses? What is the plural of rendezvous? 

Congratulations to Kelly & Phil - they drafted the best team and deserved to win.

MoonBee: 42 points

Clare: 35.5

Sharleen: 6

Chantel: .5

Eau Claire. What a dreadful exit. Clare's defensive reaction to JP's choice was so predictable. She will not be missed.

I think the dirty thing JP said to her on the helicopter was something about not really feeling like I totally know you, but "I love fucking you." It fits what she said in the bleeped out version. It sounds like something JP might actually say, more in a clueless sense than a malicious one. And it includes a slight language barrier issue.

Schwartzes: 36 points

Andi: 18.5

Chelsie: 9.5

Cassandra: 8

Andi was the obvious choice to be the next Bachelorette and I'm glad she said yes. Of all this year's girls, she seemed the least impressed with JP's looks. Andy will be an entertaining, discerning Bachelorette. It has been suggested and seconded that we add a (5 points?) bonus next season for picking a contestant who becomes the next Bachelor(ette).

Dregs: 12.5 points

Danielle: 4

Kelly: 6.5

Lucy: 2

Speaking of the next season - it starts earlier this year, on Monday May 19th. I would propose we watch the first episode, then meet sometime during the next week to 

a) have dinner

b) pay Kelly & Phil

c) draft our teams for The Bachelorette

d) seed the teams accordingly and fill out brackets

e) laugh at Bag's horrible picks

Greenbergs: 9.5 points

Renee: 15

Victoria: -7.5

Christy: 2

Renee got married last week! It's amazing that she could go from completely single to married during the last four months while the Bachelor and the "winner" hardly seem to have conversed with each other during that time.

A to Z: 6.5 points

Elise: 3

Lauren: 3.5

Amy: 0

Ultimately I think you have to give Juan Pablo a lot of credit for sticking to his guns of honesty. It would have been so easy to crack, to say that he loved Nikki. His adherence to the truth through the Final Rose provides some credence for his earlier words and actions. Juan Pablo's "legacy" will always be tarnished, but perhaps he isn't the unmitigated asshole we thought he might be either.

Episode 9

Synopsis

Juan Pablo and the three remaining girls went down to an island called Saint Lucia. It had this one pointy jungle peak they made sure was the background for every shot. Afterwards I googled it for like twenty minutes. First JP hung out with Clare. "We're gonna get to know each other better," JP said. Then he raised his eyebrows and smiled mischievously. "A lot better."

Clare was concerned about going to the Fantasy Suite with JP because of the South China Sea Incident, but JP was no longer worried about protecting Camila, or really, worried about anything. Clare told JP she was in love with him and then they spent the night in the Fantasy Suite.

Just a few hours later JP woke up and met Andi. They went to the beach and ate seafood. Then they played soccer with some kids. Then they went driving in a weird car. Then they went to a waterfall. They decided to play cribbage under the waterfall. Just kidding - they made out.

They spent the night in the fantasy suite. JP had a good time. Andi did not.

JP got up, fresh as a daisy, and met Nikki. They went around the island. Nikki said it "was like something you see in a movie." Close, but The Bachelor is actually a TV show, not a movie (although it is two hours long, four hours this week). JP tried to act like it was new and exciting to him, but he'd done basically the same thing the last two days. Nikki told JP that she loved him. Again JP tried to act like it was new and exciting, but Clare had told him the same thing 48 hours earlier. They spent the night in the Fantasy Suite too.

Chris Harrison showed JP videos the girls had made for him. Clare said nice things. Nikki said nice things. Andi said she wanted to talk to him in person. Then she walked up and they had a conversation. Andi told JP she didn't like him anymore. JP said "it's okay" or "it's fine" many times. Every time he said it Andy got angrier. She said it wasn't okay. They argued about whether it was okay or not. They argued about whether JP had used the word "default." They argued about whether JP was taking the show seriously or not. They argued about whether JP had a language barrier or was just a douche. Andi won the arguments because she's a professional arguer, because she's a native English speaker, because her intentions are clearer, but mostly because she was right.

She got into a van and went home, leaving Clare and Nikki as the last two standing. 


Standings


Kelly & Phil: 42.5 points
Alli: 5
Nikki: 30
Kat: 7.5
If my numbers and scoring are correct, Nikki vs Clare in the final battle royale will determine this pool's winner. At first it might appear that MoonBee would only pick up 6 points on K&P in this scenario and still finish .5 behind Kelly & Phil, but remember that Clare will pick up an additional 2 points on Nikki if she meets Camila. Nikki has already met Camila and received those points.


MoonBee: 36 points
Clare: 29.5
Sharleen: 6
Chantel: .5
Clare could have waited 15 minutes to privately tell JP she loved him, but elected to do so on camera. That's everything you need to know about Clare, and why she's the End Boss, described here on wikipedia:

The final boss is the opponent that is usually at the end of the game. They are usually the main antagonists of the game. Final bosses usually have their own special music tracks that are more dramatic than the music for the other bosses, and some final battles have the main theme of the game. The final boss is often fought during the final level, and after its defeat often is the end of the game. The levels they inhabit are usually heavily guarded by smaller enemies, making the route to the final boss difficult.

Schwartzes: 36 points
Andi: 18.5
Chelsie: 9.5
Cassandra: 8

Schwartzes were eliminated from contention Tuesday. They lost the war, but certainly won the battle. Andi was the best member of the cast and is the best bet to be the next Bachelorette, should she choose to accept.


Dregs: 12.5 points
Danielle: 4
Kelly: 6.5
Lucy: 2


Greenbergs: 9.5 points
Renee: 15
Victoria: -7.5
Christy: 2


A to Z: 6.5 points
Elise: 3
Lauren: 3.5
Amy: 0


When I was living in Ethiopia, this 19 year-old kid we just called "The Kid" came and stayed at our house. I was infatuated with The Kid. I couldn't believe the breadth of interesting facts and opinions he possessed at 19. He seemed to know everything about everything (except relationships) and never failed to provide an interesting viewpoint.

One day my friend Geoff, who was also staying at the house, mentioned that The Kid never asked anyone else questions. I could ask The Kid seventeen questions in a row without him reciprocating, then pause, and no one would say anything. I started fixating on it, and slowly realized every story he told, everything he said, was designed to point the conversation towards a point of his expertise. He had no interest in anyone else's story though everyone in the house possessed a wealth of interesting knowledge, personal history of their own, and applicable advice for a 19 year-old. His once-intriguing anecdotes became wearying in this context and I stopped hanging out with him.

Almost simultaneously, I was reading the only thing that ever changed my life, a chapter of C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity called "The Great Sin."

I love Melissa for a lot of reasons, but the surest is that she never feels the need to draw attention to herself. Everything she says is organic. She lives without ulterior motives, without discernible traces of The Great Sin. Tuesday's episode of The Bachelor confirmed the awful truth that had been slowly, steadily mounting all season: that Juan Pablo is poisoned with Pride.

Andi is a balanced, contemplative and rational thinker. Her clear, eloquent description of JP's unawareness of this fault rings true for so many of the most self-absorbed people I've known. This wasn't an issue of chemistry or commonalities; this was the depressing realization of an inescapable defect in JP's personality. It was sad for Andi, who'd bought into JP's charm while expressing skepticism over the show's merit. It was sadder for the audience, who'd been similarly duped. Earlier this season I said JP was in the 99th percentile of social intelligence and declared I would give him a call if I ever needed an agent. But it was saddest for JP himself, who, like a young Mark Zuckerberg, needs to divorce himself before he can find intimacy with another.