The Men Tell All

Synopsis

It started off with some pregnant lady who used to be on the show and her husband wasting our time for a few minutes while we roasted in my scorching condo. The lady had a hole in her dress so they rubbed jelly on her belly and did an ultrasound on the lady. “This is why it’s two hours,” Paul said. Bag made a What if the baby was dead? joke. I laughed but Andrea turned and gave him a look of horror and Paul smacked him with a negative comment. The baby turned out to be a boy. The impending dad was excited to watch football with him.

“Fasten your seatbelts, America,” Chris Harrison said before showing a meandering five-minute quick-edit trailer for Bachelor in Paradise that featured handcuffs, an ambulance, ominous Harrison soundbytes and a lot of skin. “How are we going to gamble on this?” Bag asked feverishly.

The dudes who Andi rejected showed up wearing scarves. Nick the bald golfer who we drafted had hair plugs. Dylan didn’t appear suicidal. The dudes barely got a word in before they showed another epic quick-edit montage of stuff we’d already seen. During a review of the "Blackie Incident", Andrew accidentally called Marquel “Ron” which was the name of the other black dude on the show.

The most exciting thing that happened during the ten minutes of Blackie Incident Breakdown was that a bird slammed into our living room window. Maybe it was a tropical bird seeking the rainforest-like conditions in our house. The second most exciting thing was watching Bailey try to steal Melissa’s seat when she went to get an ice water. Both animals were soundly rejected.

The most exciting thing that happened during Marquel’s “hot seat” interview was the sun went down and the temperature fell a couple degrees inside our house.

Marcus’s interview with Harrison served as another advertisement for Bachelor In Paradise. Then the farmer guy came on. Melissa said “I’d date a farmer,” before hastily adding “if I wasn’t engaged.” Andrea mumbled something flattering about the farmer. They showed the farmer’s ugly exit from the show while Bag joked “Whelp. See ya later!”

“He’s such an overall good guy!” Andrea gushed. Melissa instantly concurred and Bag accused him of being a Monsanto farmer. Then some random Canadian chick came down to meet him and ask him out while Dylan yelled “YOLO!”

Andi came on and deftly quieted the likes of Farmer, Marcus, MeatHead and Marquel. Somehow Hair Plug Nick got his third monologue of the show in even though he was voted out before Lamp Guy, Opera Guy and Forgotten Firefighter. Harrison asked Andi about Doug's pregnancy rumors which she denied. Then Harrison broke out the lie detector results. Brian, JJ and the farmer (surprise, surprise) passed the test flawlessly. The test said Marcus lied about sleeping with fewer than twenty women, Dylan lied about preferring brunettes and being ready for marriage, and Josh lied about something Andi decided to keep in the envelope.  


Standings

Kelly & Phil: 39 points

Marcus: 20

Brian: 11.5

Andrew: 4.5

+3 team bonus

Am I remembering that it's usually the "Tell All" episode when they reveal the next Bachelor(ette)? Or is it "After the Final Rose"? Or might they reveal him during Bachelor in Paradise?

Melissa & Tom: 35.5 points

Nick V: 26.5

Nick S: .5

JJ: 8.5

As recapped last week, we are the favorites to take this title, but Bag made a good point that Andi not revealing Josh's lie detector fails gives him a shot in the finale. If Andi had his results shown, chances are she wouldn't currently be in a relationship with him.

Andrea & Zack: 32 points

Josh M: 27

Eric: 0

Marquel: 5

Marquel will be an intriguing Bachelor in Paradise sleeper, just as he was this season. The presence of other non-white women will bolster his chances of accruing points.

Bri & Doug: 30 points

Chris: 23

Patrick: 5

Ron: 2

Cheer up Farmer fans. This time a year ago we were bemoaning Zak W - and look what happened to him.

Andie & Eric: 13 points

Dylan: 9

Tasos: 1.5

Craig: .5

Dylan - who had "the personality of a yam" according to Phil - looks tanned, rested and refreshed coming off a debaucherous stay in Paradise. He'll be an intriguing Bachelor in Paradise draft pick.

Dregs: 9.5 points

Bradley: 2

Brett: 2

Carl: .5

Cody: 5

Cody, on the other hand, looks like the same FriendZone MeatHead he was this season.

Episode 9

In Vegas I missed Melissa the most, Colorado the second most, and my DVR a close third. The Bachelor(ette) is borderline unwatchable without one. Fast-forwarding through the dozen commercial breaks and endless "COMING UP!" teasers is pretty much mandatory if you want to get through the two hours without a violent incident. It was far more enjoyable watching at home, stretched out on the couch with Melissa and Bailey, though I did miss the commentary of Andrea, Bag and Paul.


Synopsis

The first segment was an unnecessary fluff summary of Andi’s feelings for the final three guys. “Josh has the kind of personality that I think every woman would be attracted to,” she noted. “NO.” Melissa said firmly. “Speak for yourself.”

In the Dominican Republic, Andi and Nick hopped into a helicopter and flew over the ocean and made out. “They keep missing all the great views,” Melissa said as they continued to canoodle. They went to a beach and went swimming, but not before the camera zoomed in on Nick's hairless abdomen. They made out in the water for a while in their matching swimsuits.

They had dinner at a resort and Nick read her a storybook he wrote about them. Then he told her he loved her and they made out some more and then they went to the fantasy suite and probably made out more and maybe a lot more than that.

The very next morning Andi “climbed out of bed with one man and went on a date with another,” in Melissa’s words. That man was Josh. “I haven’t seen Andi in…it seems like more than a week,” he said as they left. Josh turned out to be a pretty good Spanish speaker and was comfortable around the Dominican kids they played baseball with. They ate (read: looked at) dinner, then went to the fantasy suite.

Chris the farmer and Andi rode horses and played hide-and-seek. He hid like twenty feet away behind a leafless bush. Andi said that was her favorite part of the day. It was definitely better than the next part of the day, which was her crying and breaking up with him.

Chris Harrison and Andi recapped a bunch of crap we already knew. They decided to have a pointless rose ceremony where Chris pretended he was going to fetch the farmer just to mess with Josh and Nick, who then got roses from Andi.

Standings

Kelly & Phil: 39 points

Marcus: 20

Brian: 11.5

Andrew: 4.5

+3 team bonus

Marcus looked pretty torn up in the "Men Tell All" preview. I'm fine with the Marcuses and Codys of the world on Bachelor in Paradise. But what's the plan for the next Bachelor? I could stomach the Josh/Nick loser but doubt ABC would choose either one. I'd love Marquel but he appears booked for that Paradise show. Dylan, Brian, JJ, etc. aren't options. I'm holding out hope for someone original, but the overwhelming favorite has to be...

Melissa & Tom: 35.5 points

Nick V: 26.5

Nick S: .5

JJ: 8.5

We win if Nick wins and doesn't ask Andi to marry him, or asks Andi to marry him and she says yes. I'm 85% sure Andi has known it would be Nick for two months now, but Josh has always been that 15% option. The threat of him seducing Hy with 50-yard-line seats for UGA football is unsettling too. Not sure what you rose-colored glasses-wearers saw in Marcus - he was never interesting enough for Andi. If Nick wins, proposes, and gets rejected, the defending champs would beat us by half a point - pending an exhaustive scoring review.

Andrea & Zack: 32 points

Josh M: 27

Eric: 0

Marquel: 5

Substitute "Josh" for "Nick" in the above paragraph and A to Z wins. However, I think Josh's chances of having a marriage proposal rejected are 5x Nick's. Nick isn't dangerous the way Josh is. I doubt it but Andi might actually be more intrigued by Josh and choose him - but she'll likely want a few months to make sure he's legit.

Bri & Doug: 30 points

Chris: 23

Patrick: 5

Ron: 2

It's irrelevant but I didn't give the farmer guy a -5 for "quitting the show for any reason other than failing to receive a rose at the ceremony." I also added a +2 to his score for saying "I love you" to the Bachelorette, a bonus I also added to Josh and Nick's scores. Marcus was previously awarded this bonus. Anyways...the farmer guy is likely to be the next Bachelor, I'm afraid. There's no other suitable option unless they pull someone out from the vault or get some fresh blood in there. Hopefully they will.

Andie & Eric: 13 points

Dylan: 9

Tasos: 1.5

Craig: .5

Dregs: 9.5 points

Bradley: 2

Brett: 2

Carl: .5

Cody: 5

I dunno about gambling on Bachelor in Paradise. With the cast returning from previous Bachelor(ette) seasons, A to Z and K&P would have a marked advantage. Actually, who am I kidding? It's August, there's nothing on TV, I'm sure I'm gonna end up watching this crap and gambling on it will make it thrice as fun. We'll watch an episode and then figure out how to bet on it.

Episode 8

Professional poker players often refer to the day you're knocked out of the World Series of Poker Main Event as "the worst day of the year." There are a lot ways to cope with this elimination. Many players, like me, immediately get drunk. Some might hop in a low-stakes game and slough off chips for a few hours. Some just immediately leave town. So what did Paul Wasicka do this year when he got KO'd?

He drove home, went up to his room, and watched the latest episode of The Bachelorette. Without telling me. I had planned on watching it with him. He actually said it was good enough he'd watch it again with me, but that kind of fizzled and I finally got to it last night with Melissa.


Synopsis

Andi went and visited Nick in Milwaukee, which is an underrated town. They went to a market. Then they went to Lakefront Brewery, which is a legit cool micro, not the kind of swill Milwaukee is known for. So good job Nick, and another good job in arranging an "Andi & Nick" beer tap there. They drank beer and did the polka. Then they went and saw Nick's parents and his ten siblings. That's a lot of siblings, but Andi remembered all their names.

Iowa borders Wisconsin so it wasn't too far for Andi to go to see where the farmer guy lived. He took her on a tractor ride. Andi said he was "barley", which is what I sometimes call Bailey the Dog cause he's black and brown and his name is close to it. I think she meant "burly." She also said he was "the hottest farmer ever."

Chris jokingly told Andi she had an opportunity to be a homemaker if she lived in Arlington Iowa with him, then said she could be a district attorney in Cedar Rapids. I did a google maps search and found that it's 1hr 12 mins from Arlington, IA to Cedar Rapids. Melissa isn't a fan of the thirty minute commute she currently has so Chris and Andi might have to rethink that one. I can only imagine Andi's google map search was more discerning than mine. gg, Farmer.

Too bad, cause the Farmer made a nice play where he had a plane fly by with a streamer that said "CHRIS LOVES ANDI". Andi said it was "without a doubt the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me."

The farmer had a cool family that liked to play a hide n seek variant on their farm.

Then Andi headed down South to play baseball with Josh. She had a really good swing. We would definitely recruit her for co-ed softball if she lived in the Boulder area. They went to the Murray house where QB hero Aaron was the main focus. The Murray parents and little sister were there but Aaron's scorching-hot girlfriend was not.

Finally Andi headed over to Dallas to hang out with Marcus. He stripped for her and then they went to his mom's house to hang out with his family. Apparently they didn't know he was in town because they just walked into the house without a doorbell or a knock or a greeting and found them hanging out on the couch.

Marcus opted to tell his brother how important he'd been in his upbringing, something he'd never shared with him before, which was odd because it wasn't a private moment. In fact, it was filmed and then aired in an edited form on national television.

Even though Marcus is Texan, I'd felt like he had some Euro in him from the start. Identifying someone as Euro based on appearance and other limited information is an important ability for poker players, so I was thrilled to hear Marcus's mom start talking in what I believe was an Eastern European accent.

Everyone reconvened in "Chris Harrison's house" and Chris told them that Eric the Dead Explorer had died. Marcus went outside, breathing heavily. Josh pretended to be bummed out while Nick just looked bored.

At the rose ceremony, Andy ousted Marcus while some sparse Trent Reznor-style wind-blowing music played.


Standings

Kelly & Phil: 39 points
1. Marcus: 20
2. Brian: 11.5
3. Andrew: 4.5
+3 team bonus

The defending champs closed with a couple bogeys and now have to wait in the clubhouse to see how their competitors handle the back nine. I have no idea if Marcus was cool or dorky, I'm still unclear if he was humble or conceited, not sure if Andi gave him serious thought, and uncertain if his mother was from Eastern Europe or Central Asia. I do know I don't want to see him be the next Bachelor.


Bri & Doug: 27 points
1. Chris: 20
2. Patrick: 5
3. Ron: 2

Big episode from the farmer guy. He hasn't taken a misstep all season. Even that "homemaker" comment that appeared so damning in the trailer turned out to be a joke. He's everything a red-blooded American woman could desire. Having said that, he has zero chance of toppling Nick. Bri & Doug are technically still in the mix, but I just can't see the farmer actually winning this competition.


Melissa & Tom: 26.5 points
1. Nick V. 17.5
2. Nick S. .5
3. JJ 8.5

Here's the deal: if I computed all the scores correctly, if Nick gets through the fantasy suite night, if he receives the final rose and if he either asks Andi to marry him and she says yes or doesn't ask, we will win the pool. That's a lot of ifs, but I still like our chances.

Andrea & Zack: 23 points
1. Josh M: 18
2. Eric: 0
3. Marquel: 5

I believe everything I just wrote holds true for Josh M and A to Z as well, though they definitely need an accepted marriage proposal to pull this out.

Andie & Eric: 13 points
1. Dylan: 9
2. Tasos: 1.5
3. Craig: .5

Dregs: 9.5 points
Bradley: 2
Brett: 2
Carl: ..5
Cody: 5

What's the word on this Bachelor in Paradise thing? I'm too worried about spoilers to google it. Shall we have a pool? Shall we have a live draft at the Gondolier?

Episode 7

Synopsis

My FIANCEE Melissa emailed me some comments she wrote while watching the show. Bag did a nice job of putting the annoying mouse arrow in the bottom right where the ABC logo pops up and we got right to it on a 109 degree afternoon in Vegas.

The bros walked into a hotel. They were wearing either hoodies or scarves. I thought the scarves looked unnatural on the farmer guy and pink-shirted Marcus. “Nick looks like he knows how to put on a scarf,” Andrea said, which I concurred with.

Andi said that traveling, for her, meant "immersing yourself in everyday life." "Like staying in posh hotels, walking through the touristy parts of town and going on lavish dates," Melissa wrote.

Upon learning that Marcus got a one-on-one date, Josh let out an expletive. Andi and Marcus went for a walk around Brussels. They ate and, as usual, left a ton of food and beer on the table. No problem though, they went and had dinner next. “It’s turning into a therapy session now,” Andrea said when Marcus started telling a sob story about his absentee father. They were too busy talking to eat their food.

"Poor Marcus. He's not going to win," Melissa said. "Not feeling the chemistry. He's a lot like the pretty boy from last season's Bachelorette." I think Melissa meant Drew, who Andrea and Zack actually sat next to the other night at Lotus of Siam.

Nick made a hokey, aggressive move where he surprised the Bachelorette by finding her hotel room and knocking on her door.  “Girls like that shit,” Andrea said. “I would want him to come to my door.”

“I don’t like Nick at all,” Paul said emphatically. They went to a coffee shop and talked for like five minutes. Then they made out for like thirty minutes.

Andi and Josh M went for a walk and ate a piece of chocolate. “That was literally phenomenal,” Josh said. They actually ate a decent amount of bread or sandwiches or something and talked about vulnerability. “I think this date’s going well for him so far,” Paul said. “I give it a 6,” Andrea said.

Then they went to a church. Then they went to a castle for dinner. Josh told Andi he was falling in love with her and she lit up like SamENole when someone announces there’s gonna be a game of Dr. Mario. They let their food go to waste and made out a bunch. “This is going excellently,” Bag said.

Back at the hotel Nick was feeling cocky. "Nick is wearing a picnic table cloth for a shirt," Melissa noted. Chris looked pissed at him. “I feel like the farmer’s gonna plow him over,” Andrea said. Get it?

For the group date, they went and walked around some old castle ruins. “The ruins stood the test of time, and I’m hoping Andi and I’s relationship will also stand the test of time,” Dylan said.

Then they went on a weird bike-cart-train thing. Then they went to an abbey. Andi and the farmer reenacted this famous scene from Ghost. Except for the part where they had sex. They did make out though. "'He looked good in that denim shirt' - said no one ever...until Andi," Melissa said.

Nick said some more cocky shit that pissed his inferiors off. Then Andi gave him the group date rose as his inferiors seethed. “I feel like she just told me she loves me,” Nick said.

“Brian is pissed!” Paul said. The inferiors got in a car and started cursing. Dylan had to sit bitch. No surprise. They went back to the hotel and told Marcus and Josh about it. Marcus cursed too.

Nick and Andi kissed and held hands some more. “The only way anyone else has a shot is if Nick has a small penis,” Bag said.

They played a word choice game. “Big or small?” Nick asked. She asked him back. “Go big or go home,” Nick said. Then they watched some fireworks.

Nick went home and sat on a couch. His inferiors seethed silently until Brian finally snapped and then they all went off on Nick for a few minutes. Marcus swirled his red wine, Brian’s voice got nasal and the farmer cracked his knuckles. Dylan was a no-show.

Chris told Andi he was falling in love with her. “That sounded like a job interview,” Bag said.

At the rose ceremony, Andi offed two of the inferiors, Brian and Dylan.

Standings

Kelly & Phil: 35 points

Marcus: 16

Brian: 11.5

Andrew: 4.5

+3 team bonus

Brian is finally back in Pennsylvania practicing halfcourt jumpshots, but he may have hung around long enough to give the defending champs an insurmountable lead. Can Nick pick up 14 points on Marcus? He'll only pick up six if he wins, successfully asks Andi to marry him and Marcus finishes second. He'll only pick up 10 if he wins/successfully proposes and Marcus finishes third or fourth. He'll pick up 14 if he wins/successfully proposes and Marcus doesn't make it to the fantasy suite or become the next Bachelor. The defending champs have to be considered big favorites to repeat. 

Bri & Doug: 22 points

Chris: 15

Patrick: 5

Ron: 2

Chris the Farmer seems like the best candidate to be the next Bachelor. I'd be less than thrilled, but could stomach it. I've been hoping for Zach W from Desiree's season, but that appears less than likely based on this Facebook photo.

Melissa & Tom: 21.5 points

Nick V: 12.5

Nick S: .5

JJ: 8.5

Nick V has this thing locked down. Maybe he does view it as a game. Maybe he is constantly thinking strategy. What's wrong with that? It doesn't mean he's not passionate about Andi (who obviously feels more for him than the other dudes combined) and it doesn't mean he's "not here for the right reasons." The big reason why he bugs the other guys is they know Andi likes him more than them.

Andrea & Zack: 18 points

Josh M: 13

Eric: 0

Marquel: 5

Josh is the only fellow with a shot at toppling Nick V. We're still waiting on the big moment when Josh is revealed to be either a) a hustler with a heart of gold or b) a sleazebag. It doesn't feel like there's middle ground there. I think it might be Hy that gets to the bottom of this one, if he's not mesmerized by Josh's connection to UGA football.

Andie & Eric: 13 points

Dylan: 9

Tasos: 3.5

Craig: .5

Bag asked me to make more fun of this team, which was a fair request considering the way I blasted his squad last season. There's just not that much comic meat here. Craig was a silly drunk, Tasos wore two earrings and Dylan never smiled or talked. As feeble as this team was, it still outscored the Dregs and doubled the output of A to Z's Bachelor team.

Dregs: 9.5 points

Bradley: 2

Brett: 2

Carl: .5

Cody: 5

Hometowns will be fine and all, but aren't likely to match the edgy candor of Juan Pablo's powwow with Hy last season. I sure hope Hy puts in an appearance during Josh M's "hometown" this week.