Synopsis
There was an unnecessary montage recap we fast-forwarded
through. Chris Harrison led a search expedition which uncovered little other
than an incessantly barking dog. Just after Harrison announced that he was going to need to call the police, Colton was located
powerwalking down a Portuguese boulevard. Bailey craftily nestled in between us
to get within closer whiffing distance of Melissa’s tuna steaks.
They made it seem like Colton was going to see Cassie but it
was actually Tayshia. Colton broke some bad news. “I love Cassie,” he said.
“Mmmhmm,” Tayshia said and smiled. Then she started weeping. They went inside a
hotel room with an interesting exterior so they could talk on their microphones
without being seen. “Oh my God,” Tayshia kept saying. Eventually she got into
the hearse while Colton leaned over like he’d just finished running suicides in
football practice.
Tayshia came on to talk to Chris Harrison in front of a
captivated studio audience. The Broncos signed Kareem Jackson who I don’t know
much about. Tayshia had little to say until Colton came out to talk. Colton had
a good new haircut. Little of significance was uttered by either party.
Forgotten Hannah G. expressed excitement over what she
thought was about to be a night in the Fantasy Suite with Colton but everyone
watching knew was about to be a guillotine breakup. They edited it as cruelly
as possible, showing her giddiest clips spliced with Colton ominously walking
up to her door. Colton told Hannah G. he loved Cassie. “I didn’t expect for you
to say that,” Hannah G. said. “I don’t feel like this is happening at all.” “It’s
happening,” I informed her. She started sobbing. She said “like” dozens of
times. “This is far too emotional to watch without chocolate,” Melissa announced,
then went upstairs to get some. Colton finished breaking up with Hannah and
wept in a hallway before hugging an intern or producer. Hannah got in the
hearse.
She paid Chris Harrison and the studio audience a visit and
cried some more. I liked her earrings and her eyes matched her dress, but it
had a weird long sleeve on one side. The chocolate Melissa got was delicious. Colton
came back out and chatted for a bit. Then Ben Higgins and some other former
Bachelors came on to shoot the shit. There was a preview of the next night
which cliffhanged with Colton knocking on Cassie’s hotel room door.
Two nights later I watched Part 2 of the Finale in the
basement while Bailey watched me eat tortellini and fake sausage. Colton told
Cassie he broke up with Tayshia and Hannah G. She held her hand over her face
and nose while stammering meaninglessly. Colton was able to convince her to get
back together and go to Spain with him.
In Spain, Colton bluffed to his family that he had lost his
virginity and someone named Connor who was most likely a brother or brother
in-law had apparently “called it.” Cassie came on and cried. Then she put on a
smile and met the family. Colton’s dad was the star. He expressed concern over
Cassie’s commitment and started crying.
Cassie and Colton awkwardly rappelled down a cliff to a
picnic. They both used it as a metaphor for their relationship. Cassie revealed
she’d had a controlling ex-boyfriend. Colton said she could have a girls night
while he had a boys night which convinced her to kiss him. Chris Harrison
announced he’d be guest-starring on an ABC show I’d never heard of and they
showed a clip. It looked bad.
They had a boring dinner (Cassie and Colton, not Chris
Harrison and the studio audience) and Colton invited Cassie to the Fantasy
Suite. They went. Colton bid adieu to the camera crew and put a “NO MOLESTAR”
tag on the door handle. They had on some former castmembers. They made a few
bad sex jokes. A guy named “Goose” I didn’t recognize said he just talked and
didn’t have sex when he went to the Fantasy Suite.
There was a final shot of Colton showering. “We did what was best for our relationship and we grew as a
couple,” Colton said and grinned. “I think last night was unbelievable,” Colton
said to Cassie and she smiled and nodded. They talked about how little sleep
they got. They came to the studio and said they were in love and dating. There
was a montage of them doing yoga, drinking wine and practicing sign language. Colton
gave Cassie the final rose. Chris Harrison asked Colton if he boned Cassie in the Fantasy Suite and Colton said they'd like to keep that to themselves. "I'll take that as a yes!" Harrison exclaimed. Air Supply came on and played some muzak.
They made the indefensible choice of Hannah B. as Next Bachelorette, assuring I will watch zero minutes of the next season. Hannah was predictably putrid in her first few minutes as Bachelorette, nervously meeting some guys who could do better.
Final Standings
It was a stunning turn of events down the stretch. Tayshia's premature bustout cost J&P 4 points while Cassie rose from the dead and racked up 12 points in the finale, propelling A to Z to a wild comeback victory. Bag knows the pain of watching a big late lead slip away, as his Survivor squad was toppled by ours in the closing moments last December. Congratulations to A to Z on a terrific victory.
