Hometowns

Synopsis

Rachel went to Baltimore to meet Eric, who danced and said "hey" a lot. It was a stereotypically crappy gray day. They played basketball. Rachel played in semi-heels, impressing Melissa. Rachel made a long shot, impressing me. A guy named Ralph showed up. Ralph left and they went to a tower. It was unclear if it was one of the towers from The Wire. They went to an apartment in the tower and were greeted by a large group of people, mostly women, mostly Eric's family. The kohlrabi turned out to be a good addition to my signature stir-fry even though I didn't peel it. Eric's aunt Verna talked with Rachel about race, then about Eric. Meanwhile Eric talked with a woman in a red dress. I asked if she was Eric's sister and Melissa informed me she was in fact his mother. Eric hinted he was in love with Rachel. "What I mean by that is I really care about you. Like, a lot," he finished.

Next Rachel went down to Miami to make out with Bryan. They went to Domino Park where some old guys destroyed them in dominoes. Then they went to Calle Ocho and danced. They made out some more before going to Bryan's parents' house. There were a lot of people there. "So if he's an only child, who are these other people?" I wondered. "Neighbors," Melissa speculated. Bryan told his mom Olga he believed Rachel was the one. Olga expressed skepticism because Bryan had been with "so many girls." Rachel talked to an unidentified young woman who Melissa speculated was a boom holder or an intern. Olga talked with Rachel and approved her after making a physical read of her eyes. Then Olga cried. Bryan told Rachel he was in love with her on a bench near the house. 

Rachel then went to Madison, Wisconsin to hug and kiss Peter. They went to a farmers market, inspiring a fist-pump from Melissa. After eating pickles they went to a bar and hung out with Peter's friends. Peter had said eight of his ten friends were black; if so, both of his white friends were there. They went to a neighborhood called Cottage Grove and met Peter's family. Peter's interactions with his niece impressed Rachel and Melissa. Both Rachel and Peter had boring conversations with his mom Lynn. Then Peter had a boring conversation with Rachel. "I don't know what else to say," he said. "I'm very happy now." "And I am very happy too," Rachel responded. 

Finally Dean and Rachel went to "Aspen" which appeared to be somewhere down the Roaring Fork Valley closer to Carbondale. They rode ATVs, frightening some horses. Then they drank champagne while sitting on hay bales. Dean announced he was "legitimately terrified" to enter his father's house to see his family. He walked inside where a group of people were sitting on a floor. "Sup pops," Dean said. "Sup squad." Dean's dad administered what Melissa knew to be called "a gong bath" where he banged a gong and muttered. Then Dean's dad gave Rachel some feathers. They served mung beans and vegetables with rice. Dean claimed the food looked good but he didn't have room due to eating recently. Dean's sister cried while talking to Rachel. Dean's dad gave himself credit for being a good father because Dean was good. Then they had a contentious discussion which possibly caused Dean to cry and certainly curse. Rachel attempted to talk to Dean's dad but he quickly exited. Rachel then spoke with Dean while his dad watched them through a window. Dean told Rachel he was falling in love with her and she reciprocated.

They held a Rose Ceremony in a skyscraper in Dallas. Rachel had a boring conversation with Chris Harrison before the vote-out. Melissa sighed nervously, then noted each of the men stood in a "power stance." Much to our surprise, Eric got the second rose and Dean busted out. He had to go 27 floors down an elevator to reach the hearse, wherein he cried.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 37

1. Bryan - 18

2. Alex - 10

3. Adam - 8

4. Blake - 1

I still like Bryan over Peter, but if the Colombian-Russian?-American falters, we could overtake Andie & Eric for the championship. That's only if we uphold the +3 last team standing bonus Eric has been (reasonably) clamoring about in the comments. It could be a controversial photo finish reminiscent of recent American presidential elections.

Melissa & Tom - 32

1. Peter - 21

2. Josiah - 7

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

It's looking like a Bryan/Peter final after Eric's supposed exit next week. If Peter wins it over Bryan in the final and no funny business goes down, the pool will finish in a tie. If Bryan cries and Peter doesn't, that will push A&E to the title. If either steals extra time, that will swing the pool. It may well come down to the closing minutes of the season.

Julia & Paul - 31

1. Dean - 21

2. Anthony - 7

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1
Dean's youth finally caught up to him. It wasn't his wacky dad. He was just too young. But he isn't too young for Bachelorhood. I imagine they'll load his season up with immature milennials, crazy cougars, and a few legitimate prospects. It should be a pretty straightforward season.

Andrea & Zack - 25

1. Eric - 19

2. Will - 7

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2
Eric persists! His Cinderella run to Fantasy Suites will be the end of the line though. He's fine, but he doesn't possess the firepower of Bryan or the mature reliability of Peter. Even if I'm wrong and he runs the gauntlet, A to Z will still come up short of the top teams.

Kelly & Phil - 16

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 7

3. Lee - 5

4. Blake - 1
Do we flip a coin to see who picks first next season? I would argue Bri & Doug should win the tiebreaker since they got bad-beated by DeMario, but does "winning the tiebreaker" mean picking first or second? Maybe they should choose. They need every bit of help they can get.
 

Bri & Doug - 16

1. Kenny - 10

2. Iggy - 5

3. Diggy - 3

4. DeMario - -2
Next season will be a crossroads for B&D. With the first or second pick, they'll have an opportunity to right the ship. Another Kennyesque choice would be hard to live down.

Episode Seven

Synopsis

Paul and I watched the Bachelorette on our off day in between days 1 and 2 of the WSOP Main Event. Paul was nice enough to come over and help deliver all the recycling from six weeks at the house to a center in North Las Vegas because Vegas doesn’t do standard recycling for normal people. They went to Switzerland. Rachel chose Bryan to go on his second one-on-one date before Adam and Matt got their first, tilting the latter two. Bryan and Rachel got in a nice silver car that impressed Paul. They went to a watch store and Rachel bought Bryan and her matching watches. Paul expressed skepticism that she actually purchased them. “I’m proposing that that’s all bulls**t and the show just bought them,” he stated.

They made out on a boat while Adam and Matt tilted together. “These guys have to know they’re drawing dead, right?” I asked. Paul said he’d still be holding out hope if he was one of them. At night Bryan and Rachel talked at a dinner table. She said she hated private school. Bryan said his last relationship fizzled because his ex wouldn’t compromise with his mom. Bailey did his cute dreamshaking thing but his paw was touching the remote control giving me anxiety he was going to change the channel. They made out in front of a small symphony (Bryan and Rachel, not Bailey and the remote control).

Dean got to go on the next one-on-one date, further tilting Adam and Matt. “Don’t punch me in the face,” Dean said. They went to church. Then they danced in the street. Dean talked about Aspen as if he lived there which was interesting because his location is always listed as Venice Beach. Dean expressed anxiety over Rachel meeting his family because it wasn’t a traditional family. “Are his parents gay or something?” Paul wondered. They drank white wine. Dean asked Rachel if she believed in the Tooth Fairy. Rachel tried to get serious. Then Dean asked Rachel about dinosaurs. “Dean what the f&$k?!” Paul exclaimed. At night Rachel continued to press Dean into seriousness. He finally got serious and told Rachel his dad was immature and eccentric. It worked. Rachel gave him the date rose, committing to hometowns.

Rachel and Peter took a helicopter ride in the Alps. They lowered their headphone talking speakers to make out. They went dogsledding on Glacier 3000. Paul said he would love to do that and wondered where Peter’s beanie was. They made out on the glacier. Then they drank in an elegant room. It appeared Peter was drinking coke or soda but he said it was “really good” implying it was liquor of some sort. Rachel asked him if he’d ever brought home a black girl and he said he’d never dated a black girl. Then he told her about breaking up with his ex and started crying.

Adam, Eric, Matt and Rachel went on a four-person date. “My relationship is probably stronger than anyone else’s in the house,” Adam stated. Paul and I couldn’t believe he actually said that so we rewinded to see if he actually did. He actually did. They drank wine on a boat. Then they went to a chateau in France and drank more wine. Adam continued to express disdain for the word “difficult.” Paul laughed, possibly because he described doing a triathlon to me earlier in the day and that sounded pretty freaking difficult. Matt and Rachel talked for a bit and Rachel started weeping and bid him adieu. Matt took his glass of wine into the hearse.

Rachel talked with Adam and Eric at night. She expressed concern that Eric had never brought a girl home. Paul said she was going with Adam and I said I thought Eric. We didn’t bet on it for some reason. Rachel told them she was going with her gut and chose Eric. In the hearse, Adam expressed bitterness, saying Rachel “made a massive mistake” and should have met his family. “You think your family can pick up the slack for where your relationship was lacking?” Paul asked incredulously.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 33

1. Bryan - 14

2. Alex - 10

3. Adam - 8

4. Blake - 1

Bryan is still The Frontrunner in my eyes, but Paul feels differently. He thinks Peter is the favorite and said the Wisconsinite was tops on he and Julia's board from the beginning, with Dean second. He had a hearty laugh at them lasting till the end of the first round. Personally I only see Bryan faltering if a bombshell drops down the stretch. Bryan seems like a guy that could have skeletons in his closet, but the trailers haven't hyped much in terms of surprise and devastation - and you know they would if it was going to happen.

Melissa & Tom - 28

1. Peter - 17

2. Josiah - 7

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

Whether or not Peter is now the favorite is up for discussion, but there's no question he had an excellent episode. He's playing a confident, patient game, letting his opponents make mistakes. He should have no trouble coasting through hometowns, and appears to have surged past Dean - whose age finally showed up this week.

Julia & Paul - 26

1. Dean - 16

2. Anthony - 7

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1
Sketchy episode for Dean. Just when it started looking like he could overcome the age gap, he went and responded to Rachel's attempts at deep conversation with rebuttals about the Tooth Fairy and dinosaurs. Eventually he was able to summon the heartstrings, but it may have been too little too late. The fun fling period of the show is giving way to the more serious relationship portion, and previews of Dean's crackpot dad don't bode well. Regardless, he'll be the next Bachelor.

Andrea & Zack - 21

1. Eric - 15

2. Will - 7

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2
Eric could sneak into Fantasy Suites if one of his three competitors melts down, which could certainly happen. This team won't win, but Eric managed to guide them out of the Bottom Feeder Tier.

Kelly & Phil - 16

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 7

3. Lee - 5

4. Blake - 1
Matt and Adam got -2 for busting out on that 3-on-1 date: one point for going on a group date and minus three for exiting the show prematurely and involuntarily. I'm not saying this is fair, but it was the only way to score it according to our current points system. We could discuss amending these rules in the offseason. This unfortunate deduction cast K&P down into a tie for last place.
 

Bri & Doug - 16

1. Kenny - 10

2. Iggy - 5

3. Diggy - 3

4. DeMario - -2
Rachel doesn't screw around. I love it. She knows who she likes and takes care of business. She seems to have power over the "producers" we always blame for whichever loudmouth hangs around longer than we think they should. I heard the ratings were down for this season, which I don't understand. I guess people like watching trainwrecks. Rachel is my favorite Bachelorette since I've been watching.

Episodes Five & Six

Synopsis

Episode Five

A semi-engaged Wolf and SamENole joined me on the couch in Vegas for the fortnight-anticipated fifth episode of Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette. Bryan talked to Rachel on a boat at night before his signature wild kiss. Kenny called Lee a “disingenuous snake” and told him to “respect me to the hills.” “I have no doubt in my mind that you’re a sack of bleeding muscle right now,” Lee said. “I know cause you’re caught in your snakey ways,” Kenny said. “Bye snakey. Bye snakey.” Rachel gave Bryan the date rose and bid the guys goodnight. Kenny gave him props. “It’s very important not being a bitch-ass dude,” he complimented. Then he told Lee he was a bitch several times.

Jack Stone and Rachel rode in a horse-drawn carriage around Bluffton. They ate oysters with hot sauce, grossing out SamENole. Jack Stone awkwardly kissed, hugged and held hands with Rachel on a pier. Lee and Will had a conversation regarding the word “aggressive” and its racial connotations in America. Wolf was nose-deep in his book, but noted how “smiley” Jack Stone was. Nole was nose-deep in his phone, but asked if a player got negative points if they didn't survive a date. Indeed they do. “It’s about to happen,” Nole said. “The music…” He was right. Rachel got rid of Jack Stone. “In his defense maybe the reason Rachel doesn’t feel a connection is because she is battling a cold and would only feel a deep connection with her couch and a box of kleenex,” Melissa noted from Louisville. “Poor thing.” She also noted that Jack Stone reminded her of Brooks, but didn’t say if it was Brooks Lustig or the Brooks who rejected Desiree the Bachelorette.

Wolf tapped out. Adam expressed anxiety over the Rose Ceremony. “Like, the mood got real,” he said. “If I don’t get a rose tonight I’d feel disappointed.” Bailey snuggled up to Nole, who noted that Josiah looked like Draymond Green. Kenny called Lee a “Leezard” and made a slithering motion with his hands. Rachel got rid of Iggy and the Tickle Monster, who went out the way he came in – with a tickle. “So, the Tickle Monster didn’t get a rose tonight,” he sighed. “I gotta get back out there and look for a girl who appreciates a good set of ticklin’s.” Iggy cried.

They went to Oslo. “This is probably the first time there’s been this many black people in Norway,” Nole said. Bryan and Rachel rode a bus and a train. “Is this guy from Miami?” Nole asked. “He seems like a ‘Canes fan.” They went to the top of a ski jump. They rappelled off it. They made out halfway down. “How romantic,” Nole said. He said something about me to Wes I didn’t catch and Wes laughed loudly. Bryan and Rachel drank beer on a patio. Nole read what I was writing over my shoulder. Bailey stole his seat on the couch.

Rachel wore a lot of gold mascara to dinner. Wes came down to do laundry. He and Nole recounted the tale of how I didn’t realize the lint drawer in my dryer was full for a few months after I moved into my condo. Wolf came down the stairs playing a ukulele in his underwear. Paul busted out of the WSOP Bounty tournament in a 260 big blind pot.

Lee said “shocker” similar to how Melissa always said it. Perhaps she will re-evaluate saying it so much now. Kenny referred to himself in the third person, causing Wolf to suck his breath in. A bunch of dudes went to play handball with Rachel and a guy named Coach Tom. “Handball is a very physical sport,” Coach Tom said. “Handball is life.” “I don’t have Donald Trump hands, I have real hands,” Josiah joked. Alex made a nice move. Rachel threw like a girl. Peter appeared to grab Rachel’s breast before picking her up. Dean tied her shoes. Will made a great steal and score. Dean made a no-look pass. “I could have blocked most of these shots,” Wes said. The red team ended on a 11-1 run.

Kenny cried while talking to his daughter on FaceTime. Lee lifted weights in jeans and boots, then read books. Wes and I discussed going to Black Mountain Grill, igniting a conversation on cooking steaks between him and Wolf. Wes admitted he wasn’t very good at cooking steaks, which surprised Wolf, perhaps because Wes is a father from Alabama. Will and Alex had productive conversations with Rachel. Josiah told Rachel he thought she was the one for him. She told him he rarely asked questions about her while some ominous music played. “Draymond’s going home,” Nole said. Adam (the housemate, not the contestant) entered the room and gave us an unasked-for update on his WSOP fantasy team. Peter and Rachel went outside and made out in a hot tub. Will got the date rose.

Kenny, Lee and Rachel went for a helicopter ride to a place called Hobøl. “It’s just a fight to the death in the wilderness,” Nole said. Kenny spoke with Rachel and she noted his sincerity. Lee spoke with Rachel and she said “I know there are truths in what they are saying, and I feel like there are exaggerations in what they are saying. I don’t know who to believe at this point.” She was talking about Kenny and Lee, not Fox News and CNN. “This short stack southern piece of garbage…” Kenny started chortling. “Oh God. Oh God. Oh God oh God oh God, oh GOD, OH GOD. He just flat out lied. This f**ker is grasping at straws. Good f**kin’ lord. He will get washed under in a tide of realness that is Kenny,” he said and continued chortling.

Episode Six

I watched this one solo on my computer on Melissa's Hulu account. Kenny and Lee had an argument over whether or not Lee told Rachel that Lee pulled Kenny out of a van. “You garbage ****** ******** piece of ******” Kenny said. “Jesus loves you,” Lee responded. “You know what, Jesus don’t love you, cause you a piece of ****. I’m’a drag my **** across your grave, you son of a bitch, rotten piece of bas****. Eat **** and die,” Kenny said. Adam the housemate came out of his room, went to the bathroom and started vomiting loudly. I was watching on my computer with headphones so it wasn’t related to his distaste for the show. It was the second time in three days a housemate had vomited profusely. Poor Wolf had food poisoning a couple nights ago. Rachel said ha det to Lee and left him in the Norwegian wood (coincidentally one of Adam’s favorite songs). She didn’t give Kenny the rose, but allowed him to stay on the show. Kenny said one more slew of “Oh Gods”, had one final confrontation with Lee, then returned to Oslo with a tilted Rachel in the helicopter.  

Wolf doubled up with ace-king against queens near the bubble of the WSOP $1500. Kenny explained why he went back to confront Lee in a way that pleased Rachel so she gave him a rose. Then he Facetimed his daughter who was very cute and he cried.  

At the Rose Ceremony, Rachel got rid of an overconfident Josiah and a reserved Anthony, crippling our team and the defending champs. I imagined Big Eric Schwartz yelling “BAM!” when Adam and Alex got roses. Josiah made fun of both as well as Matt the Penguin on his way out.

They went to a hotel in Denmark. Eric and Rachel drank champagne on a boat. Rachel said she liked to drink beer, eat food and watch sports at bars, and wanted to have four kids. Eric said he wanted ten. They went hottubbing. A naked beer-swilling Dane stood up and yelled. They made out in the hot tub (Eric and Rachel, not the naked Dane and his beer. Actually, the latter couple probably did too.) At night they went to an amusement park called Tivoli. They drove bumper cars and played whack-a-mole before having a conversation at a dinner table with hamburgers which they didn’t appear to eat.

I resumed watching at 5 AM after going to Walmart to get a 9-volt battery for the smoke alarm which decided to start chirping during what Zack says is “the time when nothing good happens” (4-6 AM). Some guys rowed oars on a ship and yelled. Then they dressed up as “wykings” and yelled some more. They played some wrestling games in a circle and Kenny and Adam were declared winners. Their prize was a final battle in the circle. Kenny won. Both bled. They showed the shot of Kenny bleeding that had been repeatedly teased as a house fight in about seven trailers including the one last week pretending it was from a fight with Lee.

At night Rachel had conversations with the guys at a quiet club while I devoured leftover Chipotle. Her conversation with Kenny was bittersweet and culminated in her telling him “I think you should go home.” So he did. He FaceTimed his daughter from the hearse and cried. Peter got the group date rose.

Rachel and Will took “a boat to another country” in Will’s words. That other country was Sweden. It was pretty obvious Rachel was trying to check it off the list of Scandinavian countries since they’d been to Norway and Denmark and she’d gone to Finland with Nick V. They did a variety of activities including throwing sticks, eating dough, drinking coffee with old people, and standing awkwardly on top of a castle.

At night they went back to Copenhagen and Will told Rachel he typically dated white girls. He also told her he was physically passionate in relationships which backfired because Rachel felt like he hadn’t been that way with her. She got rid of him. Melissa noted he was sent home before eating his dinner and didn’t even get a to-go box.

Although Rachel cried at the Rose Ceremony, it was anticlimactic because it came down to Adam and Alex who were both on Eric Schwartz’s team. Rachel ousted Alex.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 32

1. Bryan - 11

2. Alex - 10

3. Adam - 10

4. Blake - 1

This shrewdly-drafted team appears ticketed for a title. Getting this deep with three players is impressive; the fact that one of them is Bryan the Frontrunner nearly seals it for Big Eric. 

Melissa & Tom - 24

1. Peter - 13

2. Josiah - 7

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

Could Peter win? Maybe. He seems to be trailing Bryan and Dean, but those two could potentially spring leaks down the stretch. Peter won't screw it up, but he'll need a skeleton to come out of Bryan's closet to upend him. The trailers don't hint at any upcoming bombshells, so a second or third place finish seems likely.

Julia & Paul - 23

1. Dean - 13

2. Anthony - 7

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1
I think Dean's season will be decent. I imagine a diverse cast of cougars and starf*ckers competing for his affections, and him wading through the muck with that consistent smile of his. The two-time defending champs have fallen eleven points back, so they'll need a major meltdown from the Colombian Chiropractor to have a shot. 

Andrea & Zack - 18

1. Eric - 12

2. Will - 7

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2

Eric breathed some life into this team before Will sucked it out on top of that castle. A fourth place finish for both Eric and this team appears likely.

Kelly & Phil - 18

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 9

3. Lee - 5

4. Blake - 1
When Matt the Penguin is your last hope, you know it's been a rough season. His departure is imminent, but he clawed out enough points for K&P to avoid a last-place finish.
 

Bri & Doug - 16

1. Kenny - 10

2. Iggy - 5

3. Diggy - 3

4. DeMario - -2

I gave Kenny minus three for "exiting the show prematurely and involuntarily." It could be argued his exit was voluntary, but he wasn't the one to suggest it. I looked back to see if this was the lowest scoring team in pool history. It is the lowest-scoring four-player team we've had if I got the points right. Certainly B&D took a bad beat with DeMario, but their other picks are hard to defend.