Synopsis
Episode 1
Chris Harrison walked around in a dangerously slick
courtyard/garden/driveway. He re-introduced Britt and Kaitlyn from last season and
they showed some videos of some dudes they’d be dating. One was a lawyer who
was still looking for a law job so he was working as a firefighter instead. “Don’t you
have to train to be a firefighter?” I asked like an innocent grandma five
seconds before he took his shirt off and turned out to be a stripper.
Britt and Kaitlyn came out to the slippery driveway and two
limos full of men showed up. Our notes on their arrivals:
Ben H – Denver, lost words in front of Britt but voted for
Kaitlyn
Jonathan – Detroit guy with son
Clint – blonde Chicago
Ryan B –
Jared – Nerdy New England Superhero guy
Kupah – Troopah
Brady – Nashville Singer-Songwriter
Cory – Tall Texas
Ian – Runner Car Accident ***GOOD PICK IF KAITLYN***
JJ – Denver hockey puck really likes Britt good personality
but obsessive protector
Ryan M – token drunk obsessed with Kaitlyn ***DO NOT PICK***
Bradley – headband
Daniel – fashion designer
Josh – Firefighter stripper guy Kaitlyn doesn’t like
Joe – Kentucky guy prefers Kaitlyn
Justin – balloons guy
Tanner – box of tissues prefers Kaitlyn
Shawn B – Ryan Gosling fitness guy both girls love but he
likes Kaitlyn
Corey – i-Banker volleyball plow your field joke
Tony – Healer
Shawn E – amateur sex coach hot tub car Canada looks like
Ian Ziering
Chris – cupcake dentist prefers Kaitlyn
Joshua – welder
Ben Z – fitness guy with dead mom
Harrison came back out and told the ladies one of them would
be going home that night. The ladies went into the mansion while a shameless muzak ripoff of
Coldplay’s “Clocks” played. They even stole the bassline. Kupah Troopah said he was looking for a trophy wife. One guy
went high level and recommended picking the girl that likes you, not the girl
you like. One guy drew a picture of Chris Harrison riding a Triceratops.
Harrison came in (walking, not riding a Triceratops) and told the guys to vote
for their favorite between Britt and Kaitlyn. “It’s all fun and games until
Chris Harrison walks into the room,” Kaitlyn said.
The drunk guy did a bunch of drunk guy things and someone
dropped the first “right reasons” of the season. After quite a bit of
belligerence they sent a beret-wearing-bouncer to fetch him. Then Harrison
admonished him like a kindergartener and sent him off in a limo.
The guys voted for who they wanted between Britt and Kaitlyn
by dropping roses into wooden boxes. “On a
scale of 1 to 10, I’d say Britt is a solid billion,” the singer-songwriter guy said. He might be the next Bob
Dylan.
The beret-wearing-bouncer helped Harrison unlock the rose
voting boxes. Melissa asked if they got to keep the roses if they lost.
Episode 2
Chris Harrison slowrolled Britt before telling her she
wouldn’t be the Bachelorette. She got in the hearse-limo and cried a lot.
"Good thing she's wearing less eyeliner than last season," Melissa pointed out. Britt continued sobbing
incomprehensibly for a while. Harrison then slowrolled Kaitlyn, telling her “I
counted the votes and unfortunately Kaitlyn…I had to send Britt home.” Kaitlyn
said she felt like she was going to throw up. “That’s the booze, my dear,”
Melissa said.
Kaitlyn said it was “Hands down, the best moment of my
life,” inspiring a mini-argument between Melissa and me. I was shocked and said
that “really lowered my opinion of her” and then Melissa illuminated some of
the perks of being Bachelorette (spectacular dates, hot men, hair, makeup)
which sort of convinced me and sort of further lowered my opinion.
Kaitlyn said “I just want to thank each and every one of
you” even though like ten of them voted for Britt. The Healer grappled with
some internal conflict, as he showed up wanting Kaitlyn, then switched to
Britt, but she got voted off. “There’s only one drinking fountain and we all
must stand in the same line,” he said. “I’m almost ready to go home and dig my
own well.”
The Northeasterner admitted that he voted for Britt. “I’m
very, very happy you told me that,” Kaitlyn said. “Cause you’re going home
now,” Melissa finished. The singer-songwriter said he “had felt more emotion in
the last twenty-four hours than I ever could have imagined.” CBS instantly inquired on his availability for the Letterman finale.
The Dentist made out with Kaitlyn, which pissed off a bunch
of dudes. But Kaitlyn gave Ryan Gosling the first impression rose and made out
with him and gushed about it. At the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn got halfway through
the roses before The Singer-Songwriter surprisingly bailed out and went after
Britt. I thought it was a brilliant move in four ways:
1.
Instead of a 1 in 25 shot at Kaitlyn he
immediately got heads-up with Britt.
2.
It seemed genuinely romantic; he did sacrifice
the experience of being on the show.
3.
The timing of it, according to The Playbook, was
perfect.
4.
It gave him time to beeline it to Letterman to
replace Bob Dylan for the penultimate episode.
With The Singer-Songwriter out of the picture, the rose
ceremony continued. “They must have given her a tutorial on how to pin those
damn roses on the suits,” Melissa noted. It did look tricky. Kaitlyn got rid of
the Hispanic Guy, Headband, Ian Ziering, and some other dude.
Then there was a legitimately exciting preview for the show
involving Nick V and bodyslamming and sex and my favorite part, a guy running
naked on a golf course. Then there was a cliffhanger ending showing The
Singer-Songwriter setting sail for a tearful Britt.
The Draft
1. Nick V. (AZ)
2. Shawn B. (JP)
3. Jared (MT)
4. Joshua (BD)
5. Chris (AE)
6. Corey (KP)
7. JJ (KP)
8. Ben H (AE)
9. Ben Z (BD)
10. Ian (MT)
11. Joe (JP)
12. Tanner (AZ)
13. Daniel (KP)
14. Justin (AE)
15. Ryan B (BD)
16. Clint (MT)
17. Cory (JP)
18. Jonathan (AZ)
Dregs: Kupah, Tony
The big question heading into the draft was where Nick V would land. A to Z gave us an instantaneous answer by selecting the mesmerizing Milwaukeean first overall. At first I was stunned by this pick, mostly because Ryan Gosling was so impressive in the first episode and I thought he was a no-brainer at #1. But if you're A to Z and you really wanted V, first was the only chance to get him. Don't forget that Nick V was the most charming and interesting guy on his season and few of these guys can match his intensity. Don't forget that Kaitlyn is a slightly hipper version of Andi, who went all the way (in more ways than one) with V on her season. Don't forget this is a top-heavy pool and, as someone already mentioned, it's going to be terribly difficult to win it without the champion. Why gamble on a relatively-unknown Gosling when you can get a sure-fire thoroughbred in V?
Because, I realized while adding up the team point totals, there's no telling when Nick will enter the picture, and of course there's no telling when he'll exit. He may be 10 points behind the big guns when he rolls in sporting that shit-eating grin. He'd have to snag the sex bonus and put a ring on it just to make up that difference. And when he does finally arrive, will he be going on dates with Kaitlyn or just swooping in now and then? He may spend substantial time on the show without accruing points. You have to give A to Z credit for sticking with their high-risk/high-reward strategy (picking Josh did win them the pool two seasons ago), but ultimately I think Gosling was a higher-floor, higher-ceiling choice.
After V, I thought the picks were shrewd. For once, there were few big gaps between our board and where the guys actually landed. Joe went a little higher than we were expecting but really they were kind of all the same after the Bens went off the board. We may yet see some horrific totals because we only got three picks each, but I can't hate on anyone's draft like Bri & Doug's last season.
Episode 3
Chris Harrison came on and asked Kaitlyn about the dudes she
made out with on the first night. Meanwhile, Britt wept in a hotel room while
talking to her mom on camera, so The Singer-Songwriter showed up and hugged
her.
Eight guys went boxing with Kaitlyn and Laila Ali. The
Healer was fortunate not to have been picked. Kupah drew attention by not
paying attention to Kaitlyn. They had a boxing tournament. Gigantic Ben Z
destroyed fashion designer Daniel. Jared knocked out bigger Ben H. Kupah
whooped Tanner. Ben Z made short work of Corey in the semis. Jared pulled a big
upset and beat Kupah. In the finals Jared’s Cinderella run came to a crashing
halt at the fists of 6-3, 225 lb (and cut) Ben Z. “I wanted this to be fun. I
feel terrible. I really didn’t want anyone to get hurt,” Kaitlyn said. “What
did you expect to happen?” Melissa asked, “when you put eight testosterone-pumped dudes in a
ring to fight for your attention?” Poor Jared went to the hospital with a
concussion.
The others went with Kaitlyn to some warehouse or studio or
something. Ben Z took a step forward by telling Kaitlyn that he liked to cook
“all day”, then lost it by mentioning tailgating, then got it back by
telling her about his dead mom. Kaitlyn got a mysterious note that we thought
might be Nick V but it was Jared back from the hospital. He took a walk with
Kaitlyn and kissed her. “My head may hurt but my heart has never felt better,”
he declared. Ben Z’s knockouts and dead mom story paid off as he got the date
rose and made out with Kaitlyn.
Kaitlyn took Clint for a ride in a miniscule Mercedes Benz.
She drove really slowly in the middle lane, a pet peeve of mine, and got passed
on both sides. Melissa noted her “unwise” shoe selection as they walked up to a
swimming pool. A “Conceptual Underwater Photographer” with a vague accent had
them dress fancy and press their hands together before taking pictures of them
underwater. Eventually they made out underwater. “I’ve never had a first kiss
underwater,” Kaitlyn noted. “Really?” Melissa asked. “That’s where most of mine
have taken place.” Their date wrapped up with some more kissing on top of a building
and Kaitlyn said it might have been the best first date of her life.
Kaitlyn met Amy Schumer at an empty comedy club. Amy was
funny, maybe even as funny as Jimmy Kimmel last season. Seven of the guys
showed up and told some bad jokes, so they brought in three professional
comediennes to help them out. “JJ’s a sweetheart,” Amy said. “He’s just missing
charisma, humility, and sense of humor.” “Can she be the Bachelorette?” Melissa
wondered.
Ian came on first and grappled with the microphone, then
told a solid Juan Pablo joke. The welder made a decent joke. Jonathan came on
acting cool but they didn’t show him tell a joke so maybe his material was bad.
The Dentist came on and made fun of himself and unbuttoned his shirt. The
Healer said he “I have been training for this my whole life”, but came on and
bombed while JJ the Jerk ripped on him.
We decided The Healer was an unsleazy version of "Feathers"
from last season of Survivor as he stumbled through a conversation with
Kaitlyn. JJ the Jerk used his daughter as a sloppy segue into a long kiss with
Kaitlyn. Joe made out with her too, said a few incomprehensible things
in Kentuckian, then made out with her more. Kaitlyn gave JJ the Jerk the
date rose and he made more cruel comments.
At the cocktail party he kept the douche flowing by stealing
Kaitlyn at the beginning, proclaiming the comedy club date as “the best thing
I’ve ever done”, then making more callous comments wrapped in conceit inside of
arrogance surrounded by douchebaggery.
Even though we started it eight minutes late, took about five
breaks to make tea, go to the bathroom, etc., and paused to check on the
basketball game a few times, we caught up to the show as it went to another
epic commercial. So we watched a classic episode of The Office (Take Your
Daughter To Work Day), then returned to the cocktail party where Kupah embarked
on a genuine, questioning conversation with Kaitlyn. But much like Andi,
Kaitlyn would have none of it and freaked out at the thought of anything
upsetting her perfect Amazing Disneyland Bachelorette snow globe universe. Then
she overheard Kupah talking about it with the other guys and got rid of him.
Kupah didn’t take it well.
The two-hour show somehow ended without a rose ceremony.
Then there was an update on The Singer-Songwriter and Britt, who hung out seven
straight days and decided to go steady.
Standings
Bri & Doug: 5 points
Joshua: 1
Ben Z: 3
Ryan B: 1
Ben Z is an impressive physical specimen. Josh the Welder is a favorite of Melissa's and Ryan B hasn't done anything offensive yet. This is a rock-solid team, though it lacks explosion.
Melissa & Tom: 5 points
Jared: 1
Ian: 1
Clint: 3
Jared deserves at least 10 pts for destroying Kupah, but all he got was a concussion from Ben Z and a trip to the hospital. The real story here is Clint, who should cruise into the final 10.
Kelly & Phil: 5 points
Corey: 1
JJ: 3
Daniel: 1
Wow. JJ showed signs of irritability the first two episodes, but developed into hardcore villainy last night. What makes him most despicable is the fake good father face he puts on at a moment's notice. Kaitlyn hasn't seen through it yet (even giving him the date rose), though his premature steal at the cocktail party probably came off more desperate than "husband material."
Andie & Eric: 3 points
Chris: 1
Ben H: 1
Justin: 1
The Dentist seems to be the only guy playing the Nerd Card this season, which differentiates him from this pack of bros.
Andrea & Zack: 2 points
Nick V: 0
Tanner: 1
Jonathan: 1
This team needs V and it needs him quickly. Tanner and Jonathan aren't going to pull much weight, and the latter could even expire at the impending rose ceremony.
Julia & Paul: 1 point
Shawn B: 0
Joe: 1
Cory: 0
Ryan Gosling hardly made an appearance last night, but that's good news. He's been earmarked for a looming one-on-one.
Dregs: -1 point
Tony: 1
Kupah touched upon an uncomfortable aspect of The Bachelor(ette), which Kaitlyn either didn't want to hear or had been instructed to avoid: black people never seem to be eliminated the first episode, even if they have no shot. Kupah seemed to feel he should have gone home night one but was kept around to fill a quota. We all know a black person has never won or been the Bachelor(ette); has a black person ever been voted out the first episode?
