Episode One, The Draft, & Episode 2

Episode One

Synopsis

JoJo drove up to the mansion in a likable old baby blue convertible. Kaitlyn the Canadian, Desiree who didn’t get the man she wanted but is still married to the other one, and some blonde from before we started watching were waiting for her. The former Bachelorettes gave JoJo some pointers. The blonde’s advice was terrible. They drank wine out of enormous glasses.

JoJo expressed excitement over meeting her suitors, but tempered it with two “could”s and a “potentially.” There was a feature on Grant the Firefighter, who topped this list and quickened Melissa’s pulse. Then came Aaron Rodgers’s little brother, who was better-looking than Aaron but obviously not as good at football. Then came the obligatory marine, then the Superfan, an erectile dysfunction expert with a molestache, the Iranian Guy, a Biracial Guy, and a Texan.

First out of the limo was Aaron Rodgers’s little brother. Then came Derek the banker, the firefighter, James, a guy who cleverly poked fun at JoJo’s mom by drinking wine straight from the bottle, the marine with the too-tight suit, a guy with notecards, creepy Chad, the Canadian, the Iranian, James Taylor the singer-songwriter, the Chinese Scot, Santa Claus, moustache-joke-Colorado guy, Jake the fully black man, Sal who brought squeezable balls, Coley, the Hipster, the Superfan, some guy who did the splits, the Barber, the ED guy, the DJ who brought All-4-One, the partly black man and a dude on a unicorn.

“The douchebag who goes and grabs her immediately” (one of the guys’ words, not mine) was the Marine. He did pushups for JoJo and then with her on his back and then fist-pounded some bros. Derek the Banker claimed to be a nerd. Aaron Rodgers’s little brother successfully went for an early back-stroke and “instantly regretted” not going for a kiss. Will did go for a kiss, using one of those little-kid “fortune-teller” origami things to suggest it. 

Then Aaron Rodgers’s little brother went back for a kiss. “Now THAT is a kiss,” JoJo announced as Aaron Rodgers’s little brother vaulted up fantasy draft boards everywhere. It was a new experience for Aaron Rodgers’s little brother, who was undrafted by the NFL.

Creepy Chad made fun of guys having feelings so Melissa made fun of him. All-4-One did some more a cappella. Creepy Chad duped JoJo into thinking he had feelings. The Canadian struggled with some arcane YouTube references. Melissa tried to make fun of his accent, comparing it to a “dontcha know” Upper Midwest accent, but I defended him cause he was Canadian. He got drunk, took his clothes off, and jumped into the pool. The Superfan approved.

Other dudes got sloshed too. “Cheers to you, bro,” one of them said to another. “Cheers to rock and roll,” the other responded.

“There are other ways to deal with pressure than hit the bottle,” the Iranian said tersely before stroking some Beethoven on the piano. One of the drunks dropped a “Right Reasons.” Santa Claus took off his glasses and beard. James Taylor made a good impression. The Texan gifted JoJo some boots. Aaron Rodgers’s little brother got the first impression rose. Another dude mentioned that Olivia got the last first impression rose, and “she got left on an island.”

Melissa asked about eight different questions about the rose ceremony process. “Does she have a picture of headshots backstage? Does she memorize the names? Does she practice with a list?” It really must be tricky.

Some former Bachelor showed up, but it turned out to be a guy who was just a friend of JoJo’s and basically nothing came out of it. At the rose ceremony, Grant flashed suicidal thoughts at the notion of losing to Santa Claus or the guy in the kilt. The Barber flashed homicidal looks when Santa Claus got a rose before him. The drunken Canadian got the last rose. JoJo got rid of Coley, the Chinese Scot, “Peter”, only one of the drunks and the fully black guy.

The Draft

1. Kelly & Phil - Jordan
2. Melissa & Tom - Luke
3. Julia & Paul - Robby
4. Andie & Eric - Alex
5. Bri & Doug - Chase
6. Andrea & Zack - James Taylor
7. Andrea & Zack - Chad
8. Bri & Doug - Wells
9. Andie & Eric - Grant
10. Julia & Paul - Ali
11. Melissa & Tom - Derek
12. Kelly & Phil - Christian
13. Julia & Paul - Evan
14. Bri & Doug - Nick
15. Melissa & Tom - Will
16. Kelly & Phil - James F
17. Andrea & Zack - Vinny
18. Andie & Eric - James S

The first two picks were obvious, and then it got murky. We favored Wells and James Taylor; I can see the thinking behind Robby and Chase. Alex was a mistake. The latter half of the second round was quite solid with Wells, Grant, Ali and Derek going consecutively. The third round is pure murk.


Episode Two

Synopsis

Chad made a toast. "To a beautiful girl, a beautiful life,  f*** you guys, I’m gonna make her my wife.” That turned out to be foreshadowing for the episode.

Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F, Wells and Robby went on a group date at a firefighting training facility. "Excuse me, Grant – we need you to report to duty immediately,” Melissa joked. Instead JoJo got out of the fire truck in a white tank top. “Grant is drooling right now,” she added. “Yep – look at him." Melissa continued to mime Grant. “He’s like, ‘Girl – I’m on vacation,’” she joked, then instructed me to never take her on a date to the hospital. 

They did some challenges related to firefighting, including moving fire hoses. “The last time I pulled hose was probably back home, at my apartment,” the Canadian joked. Melissa gagged. JoJo described it as “Hands down, the hottest date I’ve ever been on.” “I kind of agree,” Melissa admitted. 

Wells also admitted something: he wasn’t the most athletic guy there, but said all he had to do was show he wouldn’t give up. He struggled mightily, almost collapsed and had to get a visit from the medical team like happens in Survivor, but said it was worth it because he got extra time with JoJo.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, James Taylor led a poolside guitar sing-along. Chad made fun of them while snacking on steak.

The group daters did a firefighting challenge where they had to “rescue” JoJo from a “burning” building. Surprise, Grant won. “My time with JoJo completely just went up in flames,” Luke quipped.

The group date moved to the roof of a building, starting with Grant getting some one-on-one time. “Cheers to you,” JoJo said and grabbed the back of his head and made out with him. Then she hung out with some other guys. One of the guys suggested they arm-wrestle for the date rose. JoJo made out with Luke. Wells got the date rose.

Derek and JoJo did a date where they made binary decisions that determined where they’d go on their date. They chose Air over Sea, North over South and Golden Gate Bridge over Lombard Street and wound up flying on a plane to San Francisco and drinking wine at the Golden Gate Bridge. At dinner Derek told JoJo there had been “another person” that terminated his last relationship. Then they made out.

Jordan, Christian, James Taylor, Alex, and Chad went to an ESPN studio where JoJo was subbing for Michelle Beadle on SportsNation. Marcellus Wiley and Max Kellerman said they were huge fans of The Bachelor(ette). The guys did a charade thing with an oversized rose. They made them get dizzy and propose to JoJo. Chad made fun of the other guys, expressed some angst over the activity, then called JoJo “naggy.” They asked every guy who the worst guy that day was and they all said Chad except for Chad.

Marcellus and Max gave them power rankings. The Marine got third, Chad got second in an upset, and James Taylor got first. Bailey, who had skillfully wedged himself between us on the couch, snored loudly. James Taylor recited a poem/note for JoJo, then made out with her. Chad told JoJo his mom died six months ago and he inherited a little dog puppy. Bailey snored quietly. Then they made out (Chad and JoJo, not Bailey and the little dog puppy).

The Marine said Chad was “the highest level of D-bag” which was funny cause The Marine is really short. James Taylor got the date rose.

Chad took a walk with JoJo before the cocktail party, angering the other guys. The Marine led a Charge Against Chad. Chase made a fake snowstorm to show JoJo what Colorado is like. He brought microbrews, which won Melissa and me over. Chad ate a large plate of meat. Then he ate more plates of meat. “Chad has taken the term ‘meathead’ to a whole new unparalleled level,” Grant joked.

Some dudes confronted Chad about being an asshole. Chad made fun of them, then sought consolation in his bro The Canadian. Then he stole time from the Erectile Dysfunction guy. The Marine again took it upon himself to confront Chad, eventually calling him “a meltdown.”

At the rose ceremony, Chad continued to eat meat and make fun of dudes. “She’s keeping Alex because she doesn’t want America to think she hates short men,” he said. JoJo got rid of Will, Superfan and the seldom-shown Hipster.

Standings

Andrea & Zack -  7 points

James Taylor - 3
Chad - 2
Vinny - 2

The Chad pick is more likely to backfire than hit big, but that's the way A to Z plays - always upside. James Taylor was a good pick at #6 and Vinny survived the first line of cuts.

Melissa & Tom - 7 points

Luke - 3

Derek - 3

Will - 1
Will's early exit spells trouble for the MoonBee. Luke may keep pace with Jordan, but Kelly & Phil's other ponies are on more solid ground. Derek's date was unobjectionable but a little light on excitement - kind of like Derek.

Kelly & Phil - 6 points

Jordan - 2

Christian - 2

James F - 2
Neither Christian nor James F will win this season, but both could hang around long enough to buoy this Jordan Rodgers-led team to a championship. Kelly & Phil are the favorites.

Julia & Paul - 6 points

Robby - 2

Ali - 2

Evan - 2
This team features three likable dudes who aren't going anywhere past hometowns. Unless Robby or Ali makes a move - and they didn't get much screen time in Episode Two - J&P lack the upside to make a run down the stretch this season.

Bri & Doug - 5 points

Chase - 1

Wells - 3

Nick - 1
The newlyweds are in better shape than their early score appears, as Chase and/or Nick should be in line for a one-on-one next week. Wells could be in the mix for next Bachelor.

Andie & Eric - 4 points

Alex  - 2

Grant -2

James S - 0
It turned out Daniel the Canadian was the correct answer out of Superfan, Hidden Hipster and himself. A & E chose Superfan, which was the logical pick, and received a donut. The Marine and the Firefighter won't overcome that deficit. A&E's season is over before it's started.