Episode 9 - Fantasy Suite

Chiang Mai, Thailand is the most romantic place Becca has ever been. On the couch eating pizza with Tom is the most romantic place I have been. We're basically living the same life, her and I. 

Becca goes through role call: 

Garrett blows her away. She is in love with him but wonders if he can last a life time.

Jason and her have an “off the charts” connection and she is falling in love with him too. 

Blake makes her feel 100% herself. She sees the future with him and can’t imagine life without him. She is obviously in love with him. I smell a winner...

Blake gets the first date. They go hiking on a sacred hike where they can’t kiss or touch. It takes them awhile to get going for that reason. They gotta get all the smooches out. “There is something so old and cultural about interacting with a monk” Becca remarks. This makes Tom chuckle. They get marriage advice from a monk and they ring the love bell while noticeably trying to not touch each other. They hustle back to the entrance threshold where they won’t be smited by whatever prude spirits inhabit that Thai hiking trail. 

They eat dinner in a thunderstorm and bare their souls. Tom is smitten with Blake after his love speech. “This guy does some real talk” Tom says. Becca, in her own way, reveals that she is in love with two men. Tom thinks Becca should set her requirements a little higher since she says she only requires that a man just needs to stick around. This doesn’t seem that tough. 

The super nerves set in (Tom narrates) as they walk into the gigantic hotel room with the gigantic bed. We debate if Blake has something in his pocket or if…

They for sure did it. Which makes Blake scared to the point of tears the morning after (+1 pt). He's really got it bad.

Jason gets the next date and I announce that I want chocolate fudge ice cream. We don’t have any. They go to the Sunday Market to explore. There is no chocolate fudge ice-cream there either. Tom and my mouth start to water when we see the fried crickets that Jason and Becca eat- taking us back to the fried scorpions we ate in China. I am no longer thinking about chocolate fudge ice cream. 

Becca makes a comment about the future to Jason and she immediately regrets it. “I just feel weird” Becca says. Tom suggests she examines what she ate at the market before she makes any rash decisions in her relationship with Jason. But she can’t shake the feeling.

Tom is not as impressed with Jason’s declaration of love speech over dinner. We brace ourselves for the end. Becca excuses herself to rehearse the let down. It doesn’t take long for Jason to realize his moments are numbered. He seems sad. ( I awarded 1 on 1 points and -3 for getting the premature boot).

Garrett is up for round 3 for a “very fun day” to “do what the locals do.” I was anticipating something touristy and silly but it was, in fact, an accurate statement. Presumably all of Thailand was on this river to celebrate their national holiday. It appears they handled it in stride as they bumper-car’ed their way down this lazy river. It couldn’t have been too bad since they decided as a couple that they are moving to Thailand. That night they wind up on couch cushions on the lawn to have their heart to heart conversation. Garrett finally tells her that he loves her and that he hopes she’s the last woman he gets to say that to. They get to spend the night in a tree house which makes me a little jealous. 

The first shot of them the next morning is in bed. Becca might be naked. I can’t tell because our DVR recording is messed up from the weather we had last night. Garrett feels like he’s floating when he’s with her. That sounds trippy. The morning after interview with Becca reveals that in Garrett she see’s her hearts equal… “there’s something so special about him.” Phew - I do not envy Becca right now. Both of these guys seem legit. 

Tom says he wants to see more jealousy and then Jason reappears! (I knew something fishy was going to happen - there’s still a good 20 min left!) As they talk he nearly sheds a tear. Tom thinks he might score points from the grave. He gives her an album of their love story (I presume). However, no official tears were shed so no points were awarded. Julia and Paul don’t need any more points anyway…

Chris Harrison greats the guys before the rose ceremony. It feels a little bit like a coach hyping the team up before the game except the dudes don’t know that Jason got the kibosh and they’re a shoo-in. 

I awarded Garrett a point for tears during his post-rose interview since I could see wetness below his eyes.

The episode ended on a comical editing note of Blake needing to pee cut with panning to all the various fountains that surround them .Finally he is granted permission and he scampers into the trees. Unfortunately you-tube has disappointed me by not having this clip available. 

Next week: The Men Tell All Show.

The Teams look like this:

As predicted in the beginning (and by our draft order) it is coming down to Garrett and Blake. Julia and Paul are done scoring points but they are no doubt the winners (not forgetting their +3 pt bonus for last team standing). 9 points are predicted for the first place finisher and 6 points are predicted for the second place making it a tight race between Bri and Doug and Kelly and Phil for the coveted second place finish. Good luck, you guys!

Episode 8

Bri and Doug were patient enough to wait for me after a hectic day. How bad is Denver rush hour?!? I have renewed empathy for all of you who deal with this daily.

Anyway, Becca meets Garrett in a vineyard somewhere in California. Bri and I are jealous that he got to grow up in a vineyard. His family owns an “agricultural business”. These used to be called “farms”. Garrett shows Becca how to mass-plant a field of tomatoes and they make-out in the tractor. Next they plant a rose bush and drink an unknown substance under a tree. They talked more about his divorce and I ate more of my pad thai that Tom made.

They head into town and meet Garrett’s very large family. Bri notes that his sister-in-laws eyeshadow is intense. Garrett gets a talking to from his big sister. She cries because she loves him and doesn’t want him to get hurt again. His dad says the same thing to Becca. Apparently they don’t want him to move on? Garrett’s mom is described as a mama bear which appears to be true and officially terrifies Bri.

Bri doesn’t see how she couldn’t pick Garrett at this point. For the sake of my team and his heart, I hope she is right.

Doug treats us right and tops our wine off.

Next is Jason in Buffalo NY. He looks very New York/Mafia as he talks about “what a special place this is.” They immediately participate in a wing eating contest. That’s a tough first stop. She doesn’t force it though. Next to a hockey rink so he can show off. He was “born with skates on his feet” which sounds incredibly painful for his poor mother. They sit and talk/kiss on the bleachers while the zamboni does its thing. Then they move to the hood of the zamboni and I feel awkward for the driver.

They move on to meet the folks (mom, dad, bro and bro-in-law). Immediately Jason’s dad takes his son away for a talk. He is less God-fathery than expected. Jason’s mom breaks the news to Jason that she’s not going to pick him. I’m not sure he heard it tho. He tells her he loves her. Poor guy…

Next I see deer butts so I assume they are in Bailey, CO. It’s snowing quite hard which makes me glad that they world is seeing CO this way. They meet under a quaint little covered bridge. They go to Platte Canyon high school. I was fearful they would talk about the school shooting and he did. This makes me sad because CO also has an unfortunate reputation for mass/school shootings. His mom was the one to announce it over the intercom. Fucking Terrifying. They have one more stop and we are hoping it’s the hot dog stand. It’s not. Instead they go into a crowded gymnasium and everyone cheers while someone sings on stage that happens to be Becca’s favorite singer.

Before they step inside to meet the family they have another quiz on names. Bri notes that his family has already been boozing and the food is getting cold. Blakes mom’s hair is “something” - per Bri. Bri remembers that Blakes mom cheated on his dad and wound up with his coach and teacher which gave us a chuckle as we see the faces.

Moving from deer to antelope we arrive in Parker CO, Colton’s hometown. We deduce that it’s Spring in CO based on the weather and the blossoms. First stop is the Children’s Hospital to deliver gifts to the cutest kids in the world. Smart move on Coltons part - seeing him with kids was pretty heart-melting. They sit on a bench and discuss their relationship. I can’t imagine things ending well for him in the long run.

Next stop is the family. They seem nice. Colton says he and his dad have a coach/player type of relationship. He looks more like a coach than the actual coach at Blake’s house. Bri thinks his dad seems like a douche. His dad tells Becca to let him go now if she thinks its not going that way. Colton discusses his virgin status with his mom, which felt weird, and he confesses that he’s in love with Becca. Doug says she looks like a football players mom, “she’s not a petite lady,” Bri adds. Doug is obviously uncomfortable by the conversation Colton had with his mom.

Back in LA, Becca waffles about her decision tonight and consults her Bachelorette girl-friends. They decide that since Jason is “the best kisser in the world” he must go on fantasy suites. IN THE MIDDLE of her story about Colton, Tia pulls her aside and reveals that she still has feelings for him. That’s awkward.

There is a very awkward conversation with Chris and Colton where he basically asks  for permission to not have sex with Becca in the fantasy suite. Becca is fighting back tears as she gives her little “pre-speech” and Blake, Jason and Garrett get roses. Sending poor Colton and his virgin self home. The rest of the guys head to Thailand.

The Teams look like this:

Andie and Eric are the first out of the game but locking up what may be a solid second place finish. Impressive choosing everyone! We got down to the final 4 with everyone still with a contestant! That’s not to say that all of our teams are alive… Julia and Paul are the obvious winners leaving me at least 50 points in the dust!! Ouch!

Episode 7

My version of the Bachelorette starts with an ABC Special Report regarding Trump's Supreme Court nominee. Spoiler alert: he chooses Brett Kavanaugh who is young and will probably live forever.

Despite the 20 minute delay we are still starting from the very beginning. They are in the Bahamas. Seems lovely. Becca says she’s falling in love with a couple of guys and she already is starting to contemplate polygamy (my own presumption).

All the dudes realize this is a “huge week”. Colton gets the first 1 on 1 time even though he’s the “underdog” per the dudes in the house. They hop on a catamaran and Becca oogles his body. Colton almost gets up the nerve to tell Becca that he’s a virgin until they are interrupted by a Rastaman who invites them diving for conch - which of course lead to lots of cock jokes. Also, FYI conch is an aphrodisiac. So you know, if you have extra conch lying around…

Back to the hotel they find a small table in a large room where Colton finds the time and courage to share that he is a virgin (+2pts!). Becca excuses herself which can’t feel good for Colton and stands on the balcony for what seems like an eternity. Eventually she comes back to ask more questions. She’s ‘not judging’ but she looks disappointed. She still gives him the rose guaranteeing him a spot on the hometown dates.

The next date goes to Garrett sending Blake into a tailspin. No pun intended as Becca and Garrett hop onto a sea plane. They go to a beach and make out a lot. Becca tries to get Garrett to go deeper emotionally. She seems satisfied and they’re all giddy and cutesy as he says he’s falling in love with her. Obviously he gets the rose. Then they run into the ocean and make out (etc?) for a while.

Blake gets his coveted 1 on 1 and that brings him to questionable tears (no points awarded). Blake and Becca listen to the new song by the Baha Men on the beach. Fun story: I opened for the Baha Men at Fiddlers Green once. Like, the super dooper opener before anyone is actually there and doesn’t get any promo. But still. The A-Teens also played. Pre-teen HEAVEN!

Anyway, Becca and Blake get straight to the point and talk about feelings on the beach. For some reason Blake is surprised that Becca has feelings for other dudes here. They go to dinner and talk some more. I don’t like that Blake buttons the top button on his shirts. It makes me uncomfortable so it sure as heck can’t be comfortable for him. Blake’s family sounds like a soap opera! His mom had an affair with his basketball coach in their small town?! Next week on This Is Us… Blake drops the first “I am in love with you” earning him a shiny 2 points. Becca’s heart might burst (as a nurse, I feel this is not a good thing). Obviously he gets the date rose. Becca tears up as she talks to the camera about him stating “my heart just recognizes his." She tells the camera that she loves him too and sees a forever with him. She has some very hard decisions to make...

The group date is the leftovers: Leo, Jason and Wills. Leo puts his man bun on top of his head proving me wrong about my statement last week that he looks better with a man bun. They play beach volleyball. Tom would very much enjoy this date but might be too distracted by the volleyball to participate in the date portion of the day. Wills gets the first alone time. His parents are about to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary! Congrats Mr. and Mrs. Wills! I’m always surprised at the chemistry that Wills and Becca seem to have - he seems so dull...

Jason is next. He lets his positive attitude shine bright.

Leo seems to think that the other guys can offer her a nice house and and a nice lifestyle. He can offer her love. Why can’t she have both a nice lifestyle and love?! They didn’t do a very good job with Leo’s mic - there are lots of distracting ocean noises. Leo confesses that he’s not ready to propose. WHICH IS COMPLETELY REASONABLE. They’ve only known each other for 8 weeks!! Becca gets straight to the point and lets him go (-3pts).

Due to the ABC special report my DVR cut off the last little bit. But the internet saved the day and I watched the little clip on ABC.com to see Wills get sent home. There was also a comical mishap with shadows and the camera crew (not sure if that made it onto mainstream TV). Becca gives Wills a lengthy and thorough explanation and then sends him on his way allowing Jason to bring Becca to his hometown next week.

The Teams look like This:

Julia and Paul are still crushing it with 3 contestants going to hometowns. My hunch is that Jason will get sent home next week, but I have no hard evidence to back that up. I am grateful that Leo was sent home early to cost the Dreg team a few points. I was fearful that I would lose to the Dregs. Blake is looking good right now. Assuming he avoids catastrophie A&Z and Kelly & Phil should rack up some nice points from him.

Episode 6

Back at Bri and Doug’s house for another episode of the Bach! Did I not post a blog last week? I swear I wrote one... It was good too. Like so funny you couldn't even believe. No, that's a joke. But it's gone - my apologies. 

Becca takes the men to Virginia for some reason and she notes that Richmond is the opposite from Vegas: Fresh, clean air with a calm and chill environment. #Truth. Chris Harrison and Becca sip coffee at a coffee shop and dish about how Becca is starting to rip out pages of bridal magazines. Like, OMG!

Jason gets the 1 on 1. He says he is living well above cloud 9… so is that like, cloud 10? 11? He has been waiting 6 weeks for this. I can relate. 6 weeks is a really long time to go without a date with your partner (eh hem, Tom)...

Bri offers her disdain for contestant Chris (not Chris Harrison) while Chris and Lincoln get bitchy with each other and start accusing one another of body shaming. Doug claims Lincoln’s muscles are “vanity muscles” and wouldn’t be useful in a fight against Chris. I think that even though he is incredibly uncoordinated he would just need one good swing. Either way they appear to be setting up the next feud for a potential 2 on 1.

Becca and Jason get on a street car with Champagne flutes. Doug inquires about the appropriate liquor license to make that legal. They wind up at a cemetary to look at old graves that Jason seems to be impressed by. I didn’t catch who’s it was although I’m not sure it would have mattered. They make a GIGANTIC donut at Sugar Shack Donuts. Then they mosey on to the Poe Museum. Somehow they have fun there. Next they are greeted by goths in a courtyard. Becca surprises Jason with some of his friends. I think is a brilliant and lovely gesture. This way she get get a sense of his true nature and get the dirt right upfront :) . It appear things went quite well. His friends remind her of her friends and all that. Doug feels he is over indexing based on his draft order.

Bri wonders if Julia and Paul have a Bachelor bookie. They’re team is looking so good with Jason’s surge!

It is snowing in Richmond which feels weird since it was almost 100 degrees today. They walk into a very large room with a very small empty table in the center. Marsha (Bri’s mom) likes their attempt at minimalism. Becca and Jason have their mandatory heart to hearts for the evening at the empty table. It goes over well. He gets a rose.

The group date will consist of Colton, Garrett, Wills, Connor, Blake, Lincoln and Chris. Chris realizes this is “do or die” and his back is against the wall. Bri routes for his demise.

They go to the capitol where George Washington and Abe Lincoln are standing there in the flesh and give them a tour!! This is what Richmond has to offer. Old dead people who give you tours. They participate in a “Becca-lection” and they debate for Becca’s love. Some of them look like legit politicians. Connor specifically has politician hair (a coif, per Connor and Bri). The actual governor is there. I’m glad he’s utilizing his tax dollars on such official business. Lincoln throws a verbal dagger at Chris starting a smear campaign in this bogus debate. Becca is not impressed. We all vote that they should both go home.

Next they go to this creepy mansion where Lincoln steals the first alone time with Becca. Bri notes how utterly thrilled Becca looks to be spending time with him. Then the producers made Chris interrupt their alone time. At least I can only assume it was the producers. Hopefully Chris isn’t that stupid. Hard to say. Becca tries to tease out the drama when she already knows that neither Chris or Lincoln are going deep. She cries and Garrett is sympathetic. More drama ensues. I’m bored with it so I fix the points. Thanks, Paul, for pointing out the errors! They should be correct now. :)

Wills just discovered he has emotions. Colton gets the rose even though Garrett seemed to save the day (come on, man! I need the points!!).

Leo, the only person home besides Jason, obviously gets the 1 on 1. Becca wakes up exhausted setting Leo up for failure. They climb into a teeny tiny airplane dubbed a “motorcycle for the sky” by Doug. They fly over the Chesapeake Bay but all Becca is thinking about it last night. Leo suggests they do nothing instead of “faking having fun” which sounds like a great idea to me. Leo seems surprisingly cool for a dreg #missedopportunity . He’s aware that he looks like a caricature and a guy who probably wouldn’t want to settle down, but he does. He seems genuine. Also his hair looks much better in a man bun. They go oyster shucking in what we only assume is a stocked pond. They just eat them straight away. Except they don’t come with cocktail sauce or the cute little forks.

During the commercial break Bri, Doug and I discussed the importance of eating humanely raised meat and potentially splitting a half of cow in the future if anyone wants in…

Leo and Becca go to another very large room with a small table. Doug notes that the empty room that Jason got was bigger. Leo reveals his daddy issues in their heart to heart time. Bri is nervous because the music is not suggesting a good outcome for this conversation. However, happier music starts playing and he gets a rose. They walk into a cheering room where an unknown country music artist is playing. They dance while fan-girls video them on their phones.

They pan back to the house where some boys are bad mouthing Chris while Chris is writing in his diary alone in his room. Eerie music plays. There is dramatic lighting while Chris puts his watch on. He expresses his concern for Lincoln’s cholesterol level as he walks to Becca’s hotel room (+2 points!). Becca must have just gotten home from her date because she is still in her fancy dress and maybe even heels. What the hell kind of woman doesn’t kick those things off as soon as she walks in the door? Anyway, they sit on the couch and Chris lays out his case. He gives her the death stare as she makes her decision to send him home (- 3 points).

The group of guys is noticeably smaller. Wills has amazingly little expression in his voice. Chris appears and the men automatically know there is no cocktail party. They instantly start sweating. But Becca gets to drive up in the most bad ass car in a gorgeous dress

Garrett, Blake and Wills got roses sending Lincoln, Connor and Conner’s Coif home just before the first international trip to the Bahammas.

The Teams look like this:

We're down to 6 dudes already! Which means with just one point on the dreg Leo, I am hosed. Paulia is the obvious pick to win the thing. Given Jasons late-season surge, I don't think that Andi&Eric will be catching up anytime soon. GG, y'all.