Fantasy Suites, The Men Tell All, Finale, & After The Final Rose

Synopsis 

Fantasy Suites

JoJo got rid of Luke after all. She cried a lot. He put his head in his hands in the hearse but it was unclear if he cried.

JoJo seemed to recover quickly, as she enthusiastically took Robby to a market in Thailand. They got foot massages during a rainstorm, then made out in front of the masseurs. At dinner Robby rocked his usual white pant/t-shirt/sportcoat combo. “He’s from Florida?” Melissa asked. “He seems like he’s from Florida.” Robby gave JoJo a nice note his dad had written him. Melissa questioned if he wrote it himself. They spent the night in the fantasy suite and got a big, diverse breakfast spread right on their bed. “It makes it easy to picture waking up with Robby every day,” JoJo said.

JoJo immediately headed off to her date with Jordan while Melissa made a walk of shame joke. They went to some caves where they weren’t allowed to make out. They had to converse instead, which caused Melissa and I to talk about Odd13 Brewery and take this picture of Bailey.

Jordan tossed on a sportcoat for dinner and gave JoJo vague, sterile answers to her questions about the future. They were good enough to get into the fantasy suite.

“We’re eating our first breakfast together,” JoJo said the next morning. Melissa noticed she’d used that exact same line with Robby. JoJo took another walk of shame, this time on the beach, to a temple. I made a comment about Chase’s “medical sales rep” profession, which made me think of Phil as well as the Jake Gyllenhaal character from “Love and Other Drugs.” Melissa somehow didn’t know who Jake Gyllenhaal was until a google image search. 

Robby snuck into JoJo’s dwelling in between the day and night portions of her date with Chase, grabbing two more points to extend his and Paulia’s lead on the field. At dinner Chase told JoJo he was in love with her. She kissed him “to make him stop talking” (Melissa) and thanked him. Then she went outside and cried, came back in and dumped him. Chase said he was “skewered” and “shattered”, cried a little, said it was like “getting your pants pulled down and then kicked in the nuts” but handled it relatively well overall.

Chase crashed the rose ceremony to tell JoJo he thought she was swell and that he was available “down the road.” JoJo cried once more while I perused Chase’s instagram. He turned out to be a redneck. JoJo gave Jordan and Robby roses while a monkey skittered above, snooping.

The Men Tell All

Chad was spotted eating a yam. There was a preview for Bachelor in Paradise that showed Nick V falling to the depths of that girl Amanda who says "“like” twelve times a sentence and Wells dipping down to Ashley Kardashian.

The Marine became confrontational during a conversation about how confrontational he was. Wells likened Chad to Voldemort. There was a big Chad recap followed by a big Chad interview. Chad called Grant “Darryl” for some reason. Chad revealed he’d dated both Grant’s ex-girlfriend and Robby’s ex-girlfriend in recent months. The Santa Claus guy challenged Chad to a fight on stage. Chad said they shouldn’t because they were wearing dress shoes. 

Luke came on and acquitted himself well. "It seems like you're ready to love again," Chris Harrison said to conclude the interview, perhaps teasing him as the next Bachelor. Chase came on and acquitted himself fairly well. JoJo came on and acquitted herself quite well. Then Vinny's mom came on and acquitted her son well. 

Finale

Chris Harrison announced it was a three-hour finale. Melissa and I groaned simultaneously. Then we ate more of our anniversary wedding cake which was delicious. We washed it down with peach-agave cider. In the studio they showed Ben from last season and Lauren B who he chose. Chad and some other guys who lost were also there.

JoJo’s super-Texan dad, her mom who drank wine straight from the bottle last season, her intimidating brothers, and some woman we assumed was one of the brothers’ wives showed up in Thailand. “I think I love both of them,” JoJo said and the wine-drinking mom looked appalled. “She’s had her fair share of plastic surgery as well,” Melissa noted. “Maybe it was like a mother-daughter thing they did together,” she added, then complimented Jordan’s choice of flower bouquet.

Jordan met the family. They wore silly hats and laughed. Then JoJo’s mom grilled Jordan. “JoJo has trust issues with men,” she explained. “How you gonna handle that?” “Give me your word, that you will never break my daughter’s heart,” she demanded. “Absolutely not. I promise,” Jordan responded. JoJo’s mom went on to express concern to JoJo because they were too similar and Jordan got as much attention as her when walking into rooms. “Do you like Jordan?” JoJo asked. “Yes. Who doesn’t like Jordan?” JoJo’s mom asked. “Aaron,” I said. Jordan failed to ask JoJo’s dad if he could marry her.

Robby’s bouquet wasn’t as good, in Melissa’s opinion. Soraya, JoJo’s mom, had a favorable first impression. He was a “gentleman” who “wasn’t flying off the roof.” JoJo’s intimidating brothers observed zero red flags with him. He had an encouraging meeting with Soraya after which Melissa declared “He’s winning.” Then Robby gave Soraya and the super-Texan dad a reasonably eloquent and well-executed inquiry for their blessing which brought the dad, JoJo and Melissa to tears.

JoJo’s family told her Jordan didn’t ask for their blessing, upsetting JoJo. She cried a lot over the big decision between Jordan and Robby. Then she went swimming at a beach near Phuket with Robby. At night they had a very long and boring conversation before parting.

JoJo and Jordan went sea kayaking to a small beach where they took off their shirts and drank what looked like wine. JoJo expressed concern over Jordan’s failure to secure her dad’s blessing. I think I fell asleep for a moment. We resumed the next evening.

Neil the Ring Guy came by. Robby and Jordan selected similar rings. Jordan called JoJo’s parents and got their blessing, then wrote a letter to JoJo. Robby also wrote a letter but his was blander. JoJo and the guys read while dressing up from underwear to fancy suits.

“This is going to be painful,” Chris Harrison said as he introduced the final segment. “I think it is going to be Jordan,” Melissa wavered. “Or…Robby.” Robby came out first. “This is going to be so sad,” Melissa said. “Only if Robby’s going home,” I responded. “Robby is going home,” she said. “He got out of the limo first.”

It was Robby. He got halfway through a praising speech before “Joelle” as she was suddenly being called by both guys cut him off and told him not to “get down on a knee” as both guys were suddenly calling it. JoJo got rid of Robby. Both cried quite a bit.

Jordan came on, praised JoJo, got down on a knee, and shipped it.

After the Final Rose

Robby came on. He seemed to be doing okay. He said some boring and predictable things to JoJo while I wrote up the last paragraph. Chris Harrison asked JoJo who should be the next Bachelor. She suggested Chase and Luke and Luke got more cheers from the audience. Then Chad self-promoted himself drawing some cheers and some boos. I asked Melissa if we could have anniversary cake at the next break and she said yes. JoJo said she had cried herself to sleep because of tabloid rumors but Jordan had been comforting.

Jordan came on wearing another good suit. “Ya did good, kid, ya did good,” Chris Harrison said. They talked vaguely about “difficult circumstances” related to the tabloids. Harrison showed them an optimistic People Magazine cover with them on it. Melissa and I talked about how “getting down on a knee” meant winning the game in football, which was probably why Jordan kept calling it that. JoJo and Jordan expressed a mutual love for Chipotle, which I refer to as “ChiGOATle”, as in Greatest Of All Time. They said they were buying a house in Dallas, which I noted was a downward move for Jordan from Northern California.

Harrison steered the conversation towards Aaron Rodgers. “Has anything changed?” Harrison asked. Jordan dodged the question. “We got furniture to buy,” he explained. “Have you met Aaron?” Harrison asked JoJo. She gave a vague answer on the “no” spectrum. There was a big Bachelor in Paradise preview which mildly intrigued me because Nick V. was on it. 

Standings

1. Julia & Paul - 46 points

Robby - 34

Ali - 3

Evan - 9
Robby turned on the afterburners like a champion swimmer on the final length, hilariously even stealing two extra points on the rarely seen "extra time" maneuver. It didn't matter that he didn't close - J&P's lead was too large. Evan was a crucial third round pick, netting a round-high 9 points. And Robby made up for Ali with his relentless point-scoring. Cheers to the champs.

This is a couple that is kicking some serious ass right now. Bagging 14ers and Bachelorette titles, crushing half a dozen different races, wedding planning. Beasts.

2. Kelly & Phil - 41 points

Jordan - 33

Christian - 3

James F - 5
Jordan actually finished a point behind Robby the Relentless. I think the scoring is okay and we should award points for crying for men and points for dropping a "right reasons." What suggestions do you guys have?

3. Bri & Doug - 33 points

Chase - 24

Wells - 8

Nick - 1
Thought next Bachelor hasn't been announced yet and could swing our pool months after the finale, that announcement won't determine this season. It could have an effect on draft order if Chase, Luke or James Taylor is chosen.

4. Melissa & Tom - 28 points

Luke - 18

Derek - 9

Will - 1
I still like Luke as next Bachelor, but Melissa doesn't see it. I suppose Robby is the favorite, Chase  and Luke will get consideration, and James Taylor is the darkhorse. I won't be excited to watch any of these dudes. I'm hoping they let Nick V take a shot at it. Or bring back Juan Pablo for another term.

4. Andrea & Zack - 28 points

James Taylor - 14
Chad - 3
Vinny - 8
Funny that Chad only scored three points this season despite getting the third-most airtime of anyone. Maybe we need to adjust the rules to give more points to confrontational "diva" players like Chad or Olivia. Or maybe not.

6. Andie & Eric - 17 points

Alex - 10

Grant - 7

James S - 0
"With the first pick, in the the 2017 Bachelor draft, Andie & Eric select _________..."

Episode Seven and Hometowns

Synopsis 

Episode Seven

“This is a huge week,” JoJo surmised. Chris Harrison told the guys there would be three one-on-ones (without roses) and a group date with a rose. “This week is huge,” he concluded. “Stakes are high,” James Taylor said. “Stakes are very high,” Chase added.

JoJo and the Marine drove through the countryside while the other guys rapped on a bus. It was a well-executed rap with Chase beatboxing (the Erie crew noted this was remarkable because he was from Highlands Ranch) and it made fun of the Marine’s height. The Marine’s date appeared to go horribly. The highlight was when a gaucho calmed a horse into lying down on the grass and letting JoJo and Alex lie on it and stroke it and stroke each other and kiss over it. Doug perceived JoJo’s connection to the horse to be stronger than her connection with the Marine.

JoJo and the Marine ate dinner with a dog that looked a little like Bailey. “Tonight is one of the happiest moments of my life,” the Marine stated. He told JoJo he was falling in love with her. “I don’t really know what to think of it,” JoJo told the cameras. “I feel amazing right now,” the Marine said. “I actually feel great that I can just sit here now, and, boom, breathe.” JoJo cringed and Doug spilled wine on his pants. Fortunately it was just his pants and not Bri & Doug’s new couch. JoJo then told him she didn’t love him, wouldn’t love him, and he should leave. “It definitely sucks that you can’t see that being something that you’d want,” the Marine said. They parted ways.

JoJo and Jordan flew a plane to Mendoza, Argentina, then took a limo to a vineyard, then walked through the vineyard, then smashed grapes with their feet. “Everyone loves the flavor of athlete’s foot,” Bri commented. Jordan revealed that he was estranged from his brother Aaron Rodgers and told JoJo he was in love with her. JoJo’s reaction to this news was nicer than it was for the Marine.

Chase, James Taylor and Robby met JoJo at a hotel in the pouring rain. James Taylor ate a lot of French fries at once. “It made him look highly unattractive and it was hilarious,” Chase guffawed. JoJo dared Robby to run down the hall in his underwear. He did it. Doug wasn’t impressed because he assumed they had the whole floor of the hotel to themselves. James Taylor casually accused Robby of repeatedly checking out other women and Robby said he was lying. Robby told JoJo he had gotten out of a four-year relationship four-and-a-half months ago. Bri, Doug, and Melissa thought “something was not right” with Robby’s appearance. Doug thought it was his big but receding hair. “He won’t have to spend much on swim caps anymore,” Doug poked. Bri thought Robby’s head was too small. Chase told JoJo he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. The guys dropped the word “frontrunner” about twelve times in twenty seconds. Robby got the date rose, giving him extra time to make out with JoJo.

Luke and JoJo did some stuff with horses and went skeet shooting, inspiring reminiscences of the Nintendo game Duck Hunt in Erie. Luke was good with the horses and better with the gun. He also did a good job talking and kissing. JoJo skipped the cocktail party and got rid of James Taylor instead of Chase, probably because she wanted to do a hometown in Denver instead of Katy, Texas. They both cried while the Erie crew googled whether or not JoJo’s boobs were real. They weren’t, according to the internet.

Hometowns

JoJo met Chase at an overlook Melissa quickly identified as Daniels Park. She also finally admitted Chase was “really cute,” perhaps because he was back home in the GOAT state, Colorado. He lived in a cookie-cutter home in a cookie-cutter neighborhood. “THAT looks like Highlands Ranch,” Melissa commented. Chase's dad came over and Chase picked an odd time to ask him why his marriage to Chase’s mother failed. Chase’s dad seemed to like JoJo. “She’s beautiful, and she’s smart, and she’s got a head on her shoulders,” he summarized.

JoJo and Chase’s mom had a conversation on a chairlift in Chase's mom's back yard. “If you’re not having fun, you need to have fun,” Chase’s mom said.  “Good advice,” Melissa said. Then Chase talked to his mom and cried. JoJo wore a sweater/dress/jacket combination that Melissa wondered if she could pull off. Chase told JoJo he was falling in love with her. It was unclear if that was because of the sweater/dress/jacket.

Then JoJo went to Chico, California to see some deer and make out with Jordan in a field. They then went to his old high school. Jordan claimed he had never been there with a girl he liked. “Why didn’t Jordan have girlfriends in high school?” I wondered. “Because he was busy banging all the chicks,” Melissa responded. Jordan brought JoJo to his parents’ house to meet a bunch of family members not including Aaron Rodgers. Bailey started snoring loudly. Jordan’s “weathered” (Melissa’s word) dad talked to JoJo on a couch.

Then JoJo went to Florida to meet Robby, who “couldn’t be troubled” to button more than one button on his shirt according to Melissa. They took a horse-drawn carriage around the town. They saw pirates before having a long boring conversation during which I used Twitter and PayPal. Then they went to a house with a lot of white people. Robby told his brothers he hadn’t slept that week and had had a lot of panic attacks while Melissa fixated on the glasses they were drinking from. JoJo asked Robby’s mom about his ex-girlfriend, leading her to tell him the ex’s roommate had been telling people Robby broke up with the ex just to go on the show. That led to an endless repetitive conversation (the show literally showed some of the same dialogue twice) between Robby and JoJo, so I wrote up a fantasy football trade offer on gmail (Jarvis Landry for Tyrod Taylor in a 2-QB league).

Next up was Luke, still listed as “war veteran”, somewhere in Texas. They met Luke’s parents, sister, and “fifty of [his] closest friends.” They played a little cornhole before talking with the family. Then they rode horses to a couch made out of hay and talked some more. Finally they followed some lanterns to a heart made out of flowers to talk some more. Melissa noticed how quickly the sun set in Texas.

At the rose ceremony, JoJo “forgot the middle part of her dress” according to Melissa. Luke took her aside at the start of the ceremony to tell her he loved her, inspiring JoJo to curse, contemplate, and cry. The episode ended before the end of the rose ceremony. 

Standings

Julia & Paul - 32 points

Robby - 20

Ali - 3

Evan - 9
Robby could lead J&P to victory even if he doesn't win himself. Nine clutch points out of Evan, plus Robby's twenty & counting, could be enough. Jordan & Luke appear to be in better standing for the title, but Robby might be the favorite for next Bachelor. It's a short list, and it's not pretty.

Melissa & Tom - 28 points

Luke - 18

Derek - 9

Will - 1
Luke appeared to be the true frontrunner right up until JoJo said she was going to get rid of him. Now, who knows? He could be gone four minutes into Monday night.

Andrea & Zack - 28 points

James Taylor - 14
Chad - 3
Vinny - 8
+3 last team standing bonus

Could James Taylor be next Bachelor? I don't see why not. He's coarser than any Bachelor I've seen since I started watching, but he's more fun than any of the remaining dudes.

Kelly & Phil - 26 points

Jordan - 18

Christian - 3

James F - 5
Jordan is starting to smell an awfully lot like Josh, the last NFL quarterback-brother to win the show. With Luke's prospects flickering, he's edged into the lead. Would a win be enough for K&P?

Bri & Doug - 26 points

Chase - 17

Wells - 8

Nick - 1
A Chase win would be quite an upset. He figures to bust out next or in third. Bri & Doug picked about as well as they could have. We need to find some more ways for men to score points. Dropping a "right reasons" should certainly be one of them.

Andie & Eric - 17 points

Alex - 10

Grant - 7

James S - 0
I gave Eric a hard time about his picks, but he didn't have much wiggle room. There were better options than the Marine, but no one who could have carried A&E back to the promised land.

Episode Six

Synopsis

Big Eric Schwartz, Bailey, a Blaze flash-fired pizza with about twelve different vegetables on it, a decent citrus pale ale and I congregated in a rental home in Henderson, Nevada to watch the sixth episode of the 2016 season of The Bachelorette. Meanwhile, Melissa, Bri, Doug, their own Blaze (a dog, not a pizza) and Turbo (a dog, not a poker tournament) congregated in Erie, Colorado to do the same. Melissa later emailed me their observations.

Eric quickly admitted he wouldn’t mind if the “douchebag Marine” was eliminated that night, even though he was the last player on his team. JoJo and her suitors went to Buenos Aires. Bri questioned her style. "What is it with these girls wearing their coats over their shoulders and not putting their arms through?" she inquired. 

JoJo said it was gonna be a “huge week.” Chris Harrison showed up for a bit. Someone said “two-on-ones are no más, no good.” He must have missed Spanish 1a, where one of the first things you learn is “más” means “more” and "bueno" means "good". Melissa expressed pride over her ability to realize this, and gratitude to Bri & Doug for getting married in Mexico.

Wells got to go on the one-on-one date. "Come on dude, don't screw up!" Doug encouraged. JoJo and Wells went to a big room in Buenos Aires where some humans did a weird demonstration with water. Then they sort of swam. There was a lot of buildup about Wells having never kissed JoJo and looking to change that. Bri grew frustrated by it. "Just do it!" she exclaimed. "I just want them to stop talking about it!" JoJo and Wells finally did while they were doing the sort-of swimming. It was kind of a disappointment after all the buildup.

JoJo asked Wells about his ex and he started sweating. "Not attaching the coat to your body via your arms is something I cannot handle," Bri noted. Bailey switched couches for the third time. Meanwhile, Blaze barked when the other guys started talking about Wells's chances of not coming back. JoJo did in fact get rid of Wells instead of preserving him with the date rose. He didn't seem very disappointed. A dude dressed in black came to the hotel to pick up his stuff. There was a weird shot of a sad-looking JoJo in an Argentine crowd jumping up and down.

During the commercial break, Eric and I discussed Robby.'s prospects. Eric was hesitant. “Robby…he’s a swimmer, and that girlfriend thing…” he trailed off.  “A swimmer?” I responded. “He’s not a soccer player.” “They’re pretty close,” Eric said. “Are my comments on the record?” he asked. “Yeah,” I said.

Coincidentally, in Erie, Doug was expressing concerns almost concurrently over Robby's character. "This Robby dude seems like a douche too," he commented. Melissa didn't mention who the precedent douche was. Perhaps it was the Marine. Doug complained "God! That Alex guy! All the time! Has to be the first one! (to hug)." "Then short jokes commenced on how he wouldn't be able to be seen if he didn't run to the front," Melissa recorded. “Can’t wait for that #1 draft pick next season,” Eric said in Nevada.

Luke, Robby, Jordan, James Taylor and Alex went to an asphalt lot to play soccer with some Argentines. They set up a penalty kick scenario with a quick goalie. Nobody, including the two pseudo-professional athletes, scored except James Taylor, who looked like Wayne Rooney kicking a penalty kick vs Iceland that I watched in the Rio Pavilion earlier that day. 

During the night portion of the date, JoJo and Luke made out while the latter clutched the former’s thigh. James Taylor told JoJo about an "altercation" with Jordan that centered around kicker cards in ranking poker hands. Eric and I thought it was hilarious.

Jordan made some weird gestures like reaching into his jacket for nothing. James Taylor said he was entitled. “How does one act entitled when stating that the rules of a game are such?” Jordan asked. For some reason Eric got up and stood behind the couch while watching. Bailey took his spot. Luke got the date rose, which Bri, Doug and I all had predicted. Doug said he was convinced that JoJo just wants to "bone the hell out of him and then send him on his way."

Chase and Derek went on a 2-on-1 date. Bri & Doug instructed Chase to "not be weird". The Marine continued his anti-Derek campaign. “Derek is just a little weird,” he said. Eric and I talked about nervous tells the guys had, like when Jordan sipped his drink when JoJo asked about his ex or Derek rubbing the top of his head. “There’s no question that there’s a glimmer of love here,” Derek said. “Delusion,” Eric said. Eric said he thought Derek had a 55% chance. I felt about 55% for Chase so we gambled on it. “[JoJo] might be the smartest Bachelorette,” Eric commented. “Kaitlyn was pretty sharp,” I said. “Kaitlyn?” Eric asked. “The last one,” I explained.

JoJo questioned Chase about his lack of recent vulnerability. “It’s new for me to have to express those kind of things,” Chase explained. Then they made out. "Turbo bonking his head on the table was the most exciting thing that happened during this 2 on 1," Melissa said. "These dudes are so lackluster."  JoJo kept Chase and got rid of Derek, so I won the bet, but we lost a player on our team. Then a woman sang “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” while Derek wept in the hearse. I imagined Melissa exclaiming “cha-ching!” In reality, she said "I think that Derek had to pinch his inner thighs to get the tears flowing," Bri noted how "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" has only that one line sung in English, and they laughed imagining how boring Derek would be as the next Bachelor.

The Marine seemed to think it might be him going home or it might be James Taylor. The Erie folks looked up how tall the Marine was. 5'7". "Unfortunately James Taylor's confidence is equally as short," Melissa said. Bailey growled when Chris Harrison came on to say it was the final rose. “I just hope she comes in here and she picks one of us, that she does what she came here to do,” the Marine said. “I can live with that.” She didn't. Instead JoJo gave all the guys a rose at the rose ceremony.  

Standings

Andrea & Zack -  26 points

James Taylor - 12
Chad - 3
Vinny - 8
+3 last team standing bonus

James Taylor's days are numbered. However, he does have an outside shot at next Bachelor. That could be enough to hoist A to Z to another title if everything else broke right.

Julia & Paul - 25 points

Robby - 13

Ali - 3

Evan - 9
Barring a shocking revelation (which was hinted at some point during a trailer), Robby is a lock for hometowns. He has an excellent shot at either winning or becoming next Bachelor, which is worth just one point less. With a three point lead on us and five points on Kelly & Phil, the soon-to-be-marrieds might have the best shot right now.

Melissa & Tom - 22 points

Luke - 12

Derek - 9

Will - 1
Derek netted zero from his dismissal. He lost his 2-on-1 (-1 points) and cried (1 point). What do you y'all think of this scoring? Should losers of 2-on-1s be punished more than one point? Should male criers receive more than a point?

Kelly & Phil - 20 points

Jordan - 12

Christian - 3

James F - 5
Jordan, who I am now referring to as "Jordan" at Phil's request, might not be able to make up the deficit K&P face. It's going to be hard for him to outscore Luke, and he'll have to beat Robby by five. Jordan could win and K&P could still lose.

Bri & Doug - 20 points

Chase - 11

Wells - 8

Nick - 1
Wells lost a point last episode, as he went on a 1-on-1 (2 points), and failed to get a rose from it (-3 points). What do y'all think of that? Should 1-on-1 losers be punished more than a point? I feel like it happens rarely enough that they should.

Andie & Eric - 18 points

Alex - 11

Grant - 7

James S - 0
I was confused by the Marine's stay of execution. He's simply not on the same level as his rivals, and that's not a height joke. Why keep him around another episode when he's drawing dead? It smells fishy. Perhaps the producers called an audible after Wells was sent home on his 1-on-1, needing six players for the remaining episodes. Those six happen to be the first six players we drafted. Everyone still has their first round pick, and no one else. Well played. Well. Played.

Episodes Three, Four, and Five

Synopsis 

Episode Three

I wrote the first half of the blog on gmail on Paul’s computer and forgot to send it to myself before he left for the airport. Then it was somehow lost, never to be found, even though gmail always autosaves every draft you write. So I sort of went back and rewatched, mostly to tally the points. But his comments have been lost forever.

Chase and JoJo did yoga with a weird lady. JoJo sat in his lap and they made out. Chad complained about going on a huge group date, rankling the other dudes, especially the Marine. On the group date they had to tell sexual stories. Some were funny. Evan conspired with the Marine to make fun of Chad, then did while the Marine gleefully encouraged him. Chad looked angry. Chad ripped Evan’s shirt while walking past him onto the stage. Then Chad made JoJo come on stage and attempted to make out with her in front of the audience. But she turned her cheek and the Marine applauded loudly and yelled “Crash and burn, brother!” Then Chad tossed the mic and walked off the stage. Then he punched a door. Then he told Evan “You’re gonna f#%#in die.”

Evan told JoJo he was going to leave the show if Chad stayed around. JoJo took Evan aside to have a conversation with him. It looked like she was going to get rid of him and keep Chad but then the edit flipped and she gave Evan the date rose. But she didn't get rid of Chad. But Evan didn't leave the show. Chad was perturbed. He made that clear to JoJo in front of the other guys.  “The most awkward moment I’ve ever been a part of…it’s awesome!” Aaron Rodgers’s little brother exclaimed.

James Taylor and JoJo went swing dancing with an old woman and people in the streets. James said he wasn’t good at dancing. He smiled a lot and acted enthusiastic. During the night portion of the date James Taylor admitted having confidence issues with girls, then played his guitar and sung for JoJo which enticed her to make out with him which raised his confidence.

Chris Harrison came and told the guys there would be a pool party instead of a cocktail party. Someone wore a tuxedo. The guys synchronized a dive into the pool. Evan started bleeding. At the Rose Ceremony, Chad got the last rose. The semi-black guy, the Iranian, and Santa Claus packed their bags.

Episode Four

They went to Pennsylvania. For some reason JoJo took an old mail plane. Luke and JoJo took a dogsled ride to a hot tub. Luke chopped wood. Then they got in a hot tub and drank champagne and ate strawberries and surprisingly didn’t make out much. At dinner Luke told war stories. Then they made out. Then they went to a concert and danced and made out on a mini-stage in front of a country band on stage.

The bulk of the dudes went to Heinz Field to play football with Ben Roethlisberger, Hines Ward and Brett Keisel. Big Ben asked JoJo what guys she liked. She highlighted Chase, who had “shot up to the front”, James Taylor, Jordan, and Evan, who struggled and fell down a couple times. James Taylor bled.

 

The Marine promoted his upcoming 2-on-1 with Chad. “It’s gonna come down to who’s the better man. Who does she really want? There’s no way in Hell that Chad is the right guy for JoJo,” he said confidently.

For the football game on the group date, they had Aaron Rodgers’s little brother be the all-time quarterback. He was “dropping dimes,” in his own words. Melissa asked me what “dropping dimes” meant. Evan got a bloody nose again. On the last play of the game, Derek stripped Wells of the ball and ran it all the way back for a walkoff defensive touchdown to give the blue team a dramatic victory.

Their prize was a night with JoJo. Robby made out with her on a pool table. “I don’t know if we did more talking or more kissing during our time together,” he said. But Aaron Rodgers’s little brother got the date rose.

“You’re a whiny little bitch,” Chad said to Alex. “I can’t wait to see you go home," the Marine responded. "Because you burned yourself here, you showed the entire world what kind of piece of s**t you are."

The Marine further promoted the upcoming 2-on-1 like the third movie in a big budget Hollywood summer superhero movie. “I can promise you, tomorrow, this is gonna end for good,” he said before putting on his U.S.A. socks and military boots. Chad threatened Aaron Rodgers’s little brother.

Chad and the Marine went on their much-promoted two-on-one date. The Marine told JoJo Chad was mean and threatened Aaron Rodgers’s little brother. JoJo said she was shocked by what she was hearing which was strange because they showed like eight different dudes in the house tell  her Chad was mean and scary. JoJo confronted Chad about it and Chad had no way of explaining being mean and scary. She left and he threw a coffee cup in a riverbed.

Chad and the Marine got into an argument which climaxed in a disagreement on milk. “The hay is in the barn, dude,” the Marine said. “The pigs are in the castle,” Chad responded. Chad couldn’t deny threatening people and being mean so JoJo got rid of him. The episode ended with Chad scarily whistling and walking through the woods to the hotel where the guys were staying. Then there was a creepy commercial for the next episode involving more bleeding.


Episode Five

The guys celebrated the Marine’s victory over Chad. They had a funeral for Chad with his protein powder. Chad came by the house and acted like Chad. Then he left. The guys celebrated the Marine’s return. They called him “Dragonslayer” and put cake in his face.

"What happened to James Taylor's eye?" Melissa asked. I was wondering the same thing. It was gashed. Chase and JoJo got inside huge plastic balls. Robby made a wish and kissed her in front of a fountain, making other guys jealous. James F read JoJo a poem before the Marine interrupted. Luke told JoJo “I’m falling for you” but didn’t mention the word “love” so he didn’t get points. There was a rose ceremony. JoJo got rid of James F and the Canadian. The Canadian didn’t seem too disappointed. “I got a better chance of being struck by lightning while, yaknow, shaving my face,” he said. Melissa didn't seem disappointed either. "I want the Canadian to go - don cha know?" she said. "YES! 'you guys take care, eh' ha! Such a Canadian thing to say! Humility is not his strong suit. Neither is witty commentary."

They went to Uruguay. Melissa noticed Vinny referred to JoJo as "a future wife of mine" and commented that JoJo was "apparently #1 of many." Aaron Rodgers’s little brother got to go on a one-on-one date, which aroused jealousy in some of the other guys. Vinny gave the Marine a haircut and showed the guys a gossip magazine that said JoJo might still be getting it on with her ex-boyfriend. "Everyone knows that the most reliable source of news is tabloids," Melissa noted.

Speaking of exes, JoJo expressed concern about Aaron Rodgers’s little brother to the cameras. “I met a girl who used to date Jordan, and I was told that he wasn’t the best boyfriend, as far as relationships go,” she said. At dinner she questioned Aaron Rodgers’s little brother about it. He looked panicked and took a sip of his cocktail. Then he admitted “I wasn’t the best person all the time.” “Was there cheating?” JoJo asked. “No,” he quickly responded. They went to a plaza where a mariachi band was playing and made out in its midst.

A producer showed JoJo the magazine article. She said it wasn’t true and that her ex was jealous. She cried. She told the guys it wasn’t true.

Most of the guys went surfing on sand dunes with JoJo. At night Derek made out with JoJo and the Marine didn’t like it. The Marine liked it even less when Derek got the date rose. “He’s an insecure little bitch,” said the Marine.

JoJo and Robby briefly played hide ‘n’ seek with a dog on a beach. They went to a small cliff overlooking the sea. Robby called it “one of the most beautiful views” even though it was totally cloudy and all you could see was gray. I googled Robby, found out he was from Jacksonville, Florida, and understood. They took their clothes off. They were wearing swimsuits underneath. For some reason Melissa thought I would like Robby's. They jumped into the ocean and made out. At dinner Robby told JoJo his best friend drove off a bridge while texting and died, which inspired Robby to quit his job, dump his longterm girlfriend, move, and go on The Bachelorette. Then he told JoJo he’d fallen in love with her. “Thank you so much,” she said. Then they made out in front of a fireworks display. "YAY! Fireworks!" Melissa exclaimed. "Showering our Earth with heavy metals that pollute our soil and ground water! Yay! So pretty!"

At the beginning of the cocktail party, Derek took Chase, the Marine, and Aaron Rodgers’s little brother aside to let them know he didn’t like how they were treating him. They didn’t like it. The Marine called Derek a “whiny little bitch” to the cameras, not his face. There was no cocktail party. JoJo got rid of three dudes – Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Guy, Grant the Firefighter, and Vinny the Barber. Evan and Vinny cried. It looked like Grant might have been crying too, but he didn’t in the show.

Standings

Andrea & Zack -  24 points

James Taylor - 10
Chad - 3
Vinny - 8
+3 last team standing bonus

Nothing to see here. James Taylor is a dog to make hometowns and a huge dog to go any further.

Julia & Paul - 23 points

Robby - 11

Ali - 3

Evan - 9
Ali in the second was costly, but Paulia is in the mix for a title. Evan outscored the other third round picks, and Robby appears to be going deep.

Melissa & Tom - 19 points

Luke - 9

Derek - 9

Will - 1
Derek's "pity rose" secured his spot for the episode and garnered him an extra point. He and Wells are the only second round picks that have remotely panned out. Or in Melissa's words "Derek is very cute but very very boring. However: cha-ching!"

Bri & Doug - 18 points

Chase - 8

Wells - 9

Nick - 1
Chase looks like a hometowner, though the big trailer hinted at some drama with him. Wells desperately needs a one-on-one.

Kelly & Phil - 18 points

Jordan - 10

Christian - 3

James F - 5
This team has always resided squarely on Jordan's shoulders. They need Derek and Wells out soon to be able to hang with their rivals. 

Andie & Eric - 16 points

Alex - 9

Grant - 7

James S - 0
Eric Schwartz drafted horrendously this season. The Marine will likely be out next week and A&E will finish last by a mile. This team never had a chance.

Episode One, The Draft, & Episode 2

Episode One

Synopsis

JoJo drove up to the mansion in a likable old baby blue convertible. Kaitlyn the Canadian, Desiree who didn’t get the man she wanted but is still married to the other one, and some blonde from before we started watching were waiting for her. The former Bachelorettes gave JoJo some pointers. The blonde’s advice was terrible. They drank wine out of enormous glasses.

JoJo expressed excitement over meeting her suitors, but tempered it with two “could”s and a “potentially.” There was a feature on Grant the Firefighter, who topped this list and quickened Melissa’s pulse. Then came Aaron Rodgers’s little brother, who was better-looking than Aaron but obviously not as good at football. Then came the obligatory marine, then the Superfan, an erectile dysfunction expert with a molestache, the Iranian Guy, a Biracial Guy, and a Texan.

First out of the limo was Aaron Rodgers’s little brother. Then came Derek the banker, the firefighter, James, a guy who cleverly poked fun at JoJo’s mom by drinking wine straight from the bottle, the marine with the too-tight suit, a guy with notecards, creepy Chad, the Canadian, the Iranian, James Taylor the singer-songwriter, the Chinese Scot, Santa Claus, moustache-joke-Colorado guy, Jake the fully black man, Sal who brought squeezable balls, Coley, the Hipster, the Superfan, some guy who did the splits, the Barber, the ED guy, the DJ who brought All-4-One, the partly black man and a dude on a unicorn.

“The douchebag who goes and grabs her immediately” (one of the guys’ words, not mine) was the Marine. He did pushups for JoJo and then with her on his back and then fist-pounded some bros. Derek the Banker claimed to be a nerd. Aaron Rodgers’s little brother successfully went for an early back-stroke and “instantly regretted” not going for a kiss. Will did go for a kiss, using one of those little-kid “fortune-teller” origami things to suggest it. 

Then Aaron Rodgers’s little brother went back for a kiss. “Now THAT is a kiss,” JoJo announced as Aaron Rodgers’s little brother vaulted up fantasy draft boards everywhere. It was a new experience for Aaron Rodgers’s little brother, who was undrafted by the NFL.

Creepy Chad made fun of guys having feelings so Melissa made fun of him. All-4-One did some more a cappella. Creepy Chad duped JoJo into thinking he had feelings. The Canadian struggled with some arcane YouTube references. Melissa tried to make fun of his accent, comparing it to a “dontcha know” Upper Midwest accent, but I defended him cause he was Canadian. He got drunk, took his clothes off, and jumped into the pool. The Superfan approved.

Other dudes got sloshed too. “Cheers to you, bro,” one of them said to another. “Cheers to rock and roll,” the other responded.

“There are other ways to deal with pressure than hit the bottle,” the Iranian said tersely before stroking some Beethoven on the piano. One of the drunks dropped a “Right Reasons.” Santa Claus took off his glasses and beard. James Taylor made a good impression. The Texan gifted JoJo some boots. Aaron Rodgers’s little brother got the first impression rose. Another dude mentioned that Olivia got the last first impression rose, and “she got left on an island.”

Melissa asked about eight different questions about the rose ceremony process. “Does she have a picture of headshots backstage? Does she memorize the names? Does she practice with a list?” It really must be tricky.

Some former Bachelor showed up, but it turned out to be a guy who was just a friend of JoJo’s and basically nothing came out of it. At the rose ceremony, Grant flashed suicidal thoughts at the notion of losing to Santa Claus or the guy in the kilt. The Barber flashed homicidal looks when Santa Claus got a rose before him. The drunken Canadian got the last rose. JoJo got rid of Coley, the Chinese Scot, “Peter”, only one of the drunks and the fully black guy.

The Draft

1. Kelly & Phil - Jordan
2. Melissa & Tom - Luke
3. Julia & Paul - Robby
4. Andie & Eric - Alex
5. Bri & Doug - Chase
6. Andrea & Zack - James Taylor
7. Andrea & Zack - Chad
8. Bri & Doug - Wells
9. Andie & Eric - Grant
10. Julia & Paul - Ali
11. Melissa & Tom - Derek
12. Kelly & Phil - Christian
13. Julia & Paul - Evan
14. Bri & Doug - Nick
15. Melissa & Tom - Will
16. Kelly & Phil - James F
17. Andrea & Zack - Vinny
18. Andie & Eric - James S

The first two picks were obvious, and then it got murky. We favored Wells and James Taylor; I can see the thinking behind Robby and Chase. Alex was a mistake. The latter half of the second round was quite solid with Wells, Grant, Ali and Derek going consecutively. The third round is pure murk.


Episode Two

Synopsis

Chad made a toast. "To a beautiful girl, a beautiful life,  f*** you guys, I’m gonna make her my wife.” That turned out to be foreshadowing for the episode.

Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F, Wells and Robby went on a group date at a firefighting training facility. "Excuse me, Grant – we need you to report to duty immediately,” Melissa joked. Instead JoJo got out of the fire truck in a white tank top. “Grant is drooling right now,” she added. “Yep – look at him." Melissa continued to mime Grant. “He’s like, ‘Girl – I’m on vacation,’” she joked, then instructed me to never take her on a date to the hospital. 

They did some challenges related to firefighting, including moving fire hoses. “The last time I pulled hose was probably back home, at my apartment,” the Canadian joked. Melissa gagged. JoJo described it as “Hands down, the hottest date I’ve ever been on.” “I kind of agree,” Melissa admitted. 

Wells also admitted something: he wasn’t the most athletic guy there, but said all he had to do was show he wouldn’t give up. He struggled mightily, almost collapsed and had to get a visit from the medical team like happens in Survivor, but said it was worth it because he got extra time with JoJo.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, James Taylor led a poolside guitar sing-along. Chad made fun of them while snacking on steak.

The group daters did a firefighting challenge where they had to “rescue” JoJo from a “burning” building. Surprise, Grant won. “My time with JoJo completely just went up in flames,” Luke quipped.

The group date moved to the roof of a building, starting with Grant getting some one-on-one time. “Cheers to you,” JoJo said and grabbed the back of his head and made out with him. Then she hung out with some other guys. One of the guys suggested they arm-wrestle for the date rose. JoJo made out with Luke. Wells got the date rose.

Derek and JoJo did a date where they made binary decisions that determined where they’d go on their date. They chose Air over Sea, North over South and Golden Gate Bridge over Lombard Street and wound up flying on a plane to San Francisco and drinking wine at the Golden Gate Bridge. At dinner Derek told JoJo there had been “another person” that terminated his last relationship. Then they made out.

Jordan, Christian, James Taylor, Alex, and Chad went to an ESPN studio where JoJo was subbing for Michelle Beadle on SportsNation. Marcellus Wiley and Max Kellerman said they were huge fans of The Bachelor(ette). The guys did a charade thing with an oversized rose. They made them get dizzy and propose to JoJo. Chad made fun of the other guys, expressed some angst over the activity, then called JoJo “naggy.” They asked every guy who the worst guy that day was and they all said Chad except for Chad.

Marcellus and Max gave them power rankings. The Marine got third, Chad got second in an upset, and James Taylor got first. Bailey, who had skillfully wedged himself between us on the couch, snored loudly. James Taylor recited a poem/note for JoJo, then made out with her. Chad told JoJo his mom died six months ago and he inherited a little dog puppy. Bailey snored quietly. Then they made out (Chad and JoJo, not Bailey and the little dog puppy).

The Marine said Chad was “the highest level of D-bag” which was funny cause The Marine is really short. James Taylor got the date rose.

Chad took a walk with JoJo before the cocktail party, angering the other guys. The Marine led a Charge Against Chad. Chase made a fake snowstorm to show JoJo what Colorado is like. He brought microbrews, which won Melissa and me over. Chad ate a large plate of meat. Then he ate more plates of meat. “Chad has taken the term ‘meathead’ to a whole new unparalleled level,” Grant joked.

Some dudes confronted Chad about being an asshole. Chad made fun of them, then sought consolation in his bro The Canadian. Then he stole time from the Erectile Dysfunction guy. The Marine again took it upon himself to confront Chad, eventually calling him “a meltdown.”

At the rose ceremony, Chad continued to eat meat and make fun of dudes. “She’s keeping Alex because she doesn’t want America to think she hates short men,” he said. JoJo got rid of Will, Superfan and the seldom-shown Hipster.

Standings

Andrea & Zack -  7 points

James Taylor - 3
Chad - 2
Vinny - 2

The Chad pick is more likely to backfire than hit big, but that's the way A to Z plays - always upside. James Taylor was a good pick at #6 and Vinny survived the first line of cuts.

Melissa & Tom - 7 points

Luke - 3

Derek - 3

Will - 1
Will's early exit spells trouble for the MoonBee. Luke may keep pace with Jordan, but Kelly & Phil's other ponies are on more solid ground. Derek's date was unobjectionable but a little light on excitement - kind of like Derek.

Kelly & Phil - 6 points

Jordan - 2

Christian - 2

James F - 2
Neither Christian nor James F will win this season, but both could hang around long enough to buoy this Jordan Rodgers-led team to a championship. Kelly & Phil are the favorites.

Julia & Paul - 6 points

Robby - 2

Ali - 2

Evan - 2
This team features three likable dudes who aren't going anywhere past hometowns. Unless Robby or Ali makes a move - and they didn't get much screen time in Episode Two - J&P lack the upside to make a run down the stretch this season.

Bri & Doug - 5 points

Chase - 1

Wells - 3

Nick - 1
The newlyweds are in better shape than their early score appears, as Chase and/or Nick should be in line for a one-on-one next week. Wells could be in the mix for next Bachelor.

Andie & Eric - 4 points

Alex  - 2

Grant -2

James S - 0
It turned out Daniel the Canadian was the correct answer out of Superfan, Hidden Hipster and himself. A & E chose Superfan, which was the logical pick, and received a donut. The Marine and the Firefighter won't overcome that deficit. A&E's season is over before it's started.

Finale, After The Final Rose and Pool Results

Synopsis

“I am so happy waking up in Jamaica,” Lauren B announced. “Of course,” a sick Melissa added bitterly as she sipped chicken noodle soup while a cold wind howled against our windows. “She is missing part of her shorts,” Melissa further critiqued.

Ben’s parents met him at the Jamaican resort. B was soon to follow. “I’m in love with you,” she told Ben, “but like, getting married for me is like a big commitment. It’s like I’m gonna do that one time, my whole life, like once.”

JoJo came next and said smarter things to Ben’s parents before crying a bit. Bailey picked his way onto the couch with the patience, precision, and fast-twitch athleticism of a pole vaulter. I went on another tirade about JoJo’s superiority over B. I mean seriously people, seriously Higgins, SHE IS SUPERIOR TO B IN EVERY WAY. Ben’s mom agreed with me. “How does JoJo get away without wearing a bra?” Melissa asked, which really was another way of agreeing with me.

Ben tried to decide between the two with his parents, while walking on the beach, while staring at palm trees and while looking to the horizon from a boat. He was unable to, so he went on another date with B. They hung out on a hammock that was built into the floor of a boat and talked about nothing. “I just don’t get it Bee,” I said to Melissa. “I JUST DO NOT GET LAUREN B.” “She’s got a chunk missing out of her shorts,” Melissa explained. The only other edge we could figure for B was that she lived in Portland compared to JoJo's Dallas.

Ben and B made out for a while before re-attempting conversation. “What are you thinking about right now?” B asked Ben. “JoJo,” Melissa finished for him. They talked about nothing for a while longer before walking off on the beach. “Look at that!” Melissa exclaimed. “She’s a waddler! She waddles!” After hours of seemingly meaningless drivel B finally got the memo that Ben might be in love with JoJo the End Boss and cried. Bailey, now masterfully wedged in between Melissa and me, started snoring loudly. 

JoJo, who was wearing a bra (a bright yellow one) met Ben for a Jeep ride. They drove to a grotto to make out. JoJo’s yellow bra turned out to be part of a swimsuit. They talked about nothing for a while as Bailey’s snoring grew in volume and slowed in pace.

That night they reconvened in a room at the resort to continue their conversation about nothing. JoJo went bra-less once again. Zack texted me this hilarious video of Andrew Bogut “shooting” a free throw as Ben and JoJo continued their interminable conversation in a bathroom stall. JoJo finally asked Ben if he loved Lauren B too and he told her he did and she cried.

The Ring Guy “Neill” came to visit Ben. Neill pointedly asked Ben about the woman he’d be proposing to, forcing Ben to admit he hadn’t yet chosen. He stared at the ring for a while and then suddenly found the answer. It was kind of like PiMaster and I hemming and hawing between Brandon Knight and Ricky Rubio that night on FanDuel, then randomly going with Knight because the deadline was approaching.

Ben dumped JoJo and all I could think about was that other guy fist-pumping in a musty Dallas basement. I felt bad for JoJo but mostly happy cause that meant she’d probably be the next Bachelorette. Melissa mentioned JoJo's brothers, how they would beat the crap out of Ben when he returned to the States.

Ben called Lauren B’s dad to check if he could propose to B. The dad said he could. Ben proposed to B. She said yes.

After The Final Rose

Ben and JoJo talked to each other like adults. No one cursed or cried or called names. JoJo didn’t seem to be the slightest bit torn up, perhaps because of her emotional intelligence, perhaps because she knew she was gonna be the next Bachelorette.

Lauren B announced she’d be moving to Denver to live with Ben. “Oh great, we can be BFFs!” Melissa exclaimed. Jimmy Kimmel came on to do a sketch involving dolls and hype Ben and B’s upcoming appearance on his show. Ben and B talked with Harrison some more. It was so dull Melissa and I started talking about wenises. Harrison tried to get Ben to marry B on the spot and Ben deflected it by redundantly asking B to marry him again and she said yes again.

Standings

Andrea & Zack - 52 points

Lauren B - 36

Lauren H - 11

Lauren LB - 5

A to Z have done it again! The most successful duo in pool history escapes with the narrowest victory in pool history. Despite her victory, B was outscored by JoJo the Juggernaut, so it was the backup Laurens that made the difference for the Sanderses. How they managed to select B #1 overall is a question that can only be answered by Andrea, Zack, and Reality Steve.

Bri & Doug - 49 points

JoJo - 39

Amber - 8

Samantha - 2
Valiant effort by JoJo, who should make an excellent Bachelorette. I did think the same of Andi and Kaitlyn before their stints, only to be frustrated by their modified personas and disappointing choices. But no other contestant from this season would be preferable.

Andie & Eric - 45 points

Caila - 28

Emily - 14

Haley - 3

Julia & Paul - 35 points

Amanda - 21

Jennifer - 6

Rachel - 5
+3 last team standing bonus

Melissa & Tom - 23 points

Olivia - 12

Leah - 6

Shushanna - 5

Kelly & Phil - 21 points

Jubilee - 7

Becca -12

Jami - 2

JoJo's season premieres Monday, May 23. Let's get together for the draft sometime later that week. What works for y'all?

Hometowns, Fantasy Suites & The Women Tell All

Synopsis

Hometowns
 

Ben, who was wearing what Melissa called “pirate pants”, expressed excitement that he’d narrowed it down to “four smart, sophisticated, beautiful women.” Maybe he got one out of three.

Amanda’s daughters came running up to her on the beach, inciting a fit of tears. The four of them hung out on the beach for a few minutes before heading back to a house in Orange County.  Amanda cried some more while talking to her mom, but she was wearing the same outfit so she didn’t score any more points. Nothing much happened and Ben left. “I can honestly say I would be completely heartbroken if I was sent home,” Amanda said. Foreshadowing, anyone?

Next up was Lauren B in Portland, Oregon. “I just don’t see how he could possibly take Amanda over Lauren B,” I announced. “Aren’t they the same person? Except Lauren B doesn’t have kids, lives in Portland and is a little better looking. What am I missing?” I asked. Melissa shook her head disparagingly.

As I predicted they got lunch at a food truck. Then they went to a “Whiskey Library” and hung out for a bit. They left with a lot of good whiskey still in their glasses, which enraged Melissa and me, before parking blocks away from B’s house for unknown reasons.

B’s mom, dad, sister, two brothers and dog were waiting for them. They all seemed to be about the same age to me, and sure enough it turned out the dog was 18. The sister may have been better-looking than B and asked Ben some pretty good questions. Perhaps she will be the next Bachelorette. Ben floundered with the questions and started crying so he wouldn’t have to answer. B shed a tear while talking to her dad. The mom, brothers and dog didn’t get any additional airtime.

Next up Ben met Caila in a nondescript Ohio town. “Caila challenges me because she’s real,” he admitted. They went to a factory and built a house. Then they went to Caila’s parents’ house. Caila cried a little bit while telling her parents she loved Ben. Despite their recommendations she tell Ben that, Caila choked and just said “I’ll see ya later,” when bidding Ben goodbye.

Finally there was JoJo in Dallas. She showed up wearing “terrible open-toed boots” according to Melissa and “an awful shirt” according to me. Flowers and a romantic letter were waiting for JoJo at her house, but they turned out to be from an ex-boyfriend, not Ben. JoJo started crying, then called the ex on speakerphone so everyone in America could hear.

Ben showed up.  “He’s a cardigan guy, huh?” Melissa noticed. “Guess that’s not so farfetched.” JoJo recovered and took Ben to her family’s gigantic house. There was a mom, a very-Texan looking dad (according to Melissa), a sister and two big brothers. They talked briefly about Dallas. “I’m not opposed to moving,” Ben said. “Except to Texas,” Melissa added. “You can’t move from Colorado to Texas.”

“We’re really, really, REALLY attached to Joelle,” one of the brothers said. “Who the F is Joelle?” Melissa wondered. The boys took Ben back to one of the house’s 19 rooms to pepper him with questions before the dad followed suit in a library. JoJo’s mom told her to let her guard down, then the brothers urged her to keep her guard up. The brothers gave Ben a hard time in the kitchen while the mom chugged champagne straight from the bottle.

The ladies brought the heat to the rose ceremony. Melissa called it “Teeny-Tiny Dress Night.” Ben finally got rid of Teen Mom, who held it together before capsizing in the limo.

Fantasy Suites

Ben & co. went down to Jamaica. Caila went rafting with him on a river. She expressed anxiety over the two other girls. “I think Caila has something on her mind today,” Ben deduced. They reconvened that night at Sandals resort, where Michael Scott once took Jan Levinson (no Gould). Caila told Ben that she loved him. He responded by making out with her and Caila said she “could feel it in his breath” that he loved her too. They made out in the ocean underneath a fireworks show before retiring to the fantasy suite.

Moments after the date concluded Lauren B arrived for hers. A Brit named Mel helped them find and rear baby sea turtles. That night B wanted to tell Ben she loved him, but couldn’t muster the courage. Instead she told him he was “Legitimately, like the man of my dreams.” They got the fantasy suite invitation. “I need time to us, to do us,” B said.

Finally she told Ben she was “completely in love with him”, adding “You really are, like the man of my dreams.” Then came the big surprise: “I’ve known I’m in love with you for a while as well,” Ben said, which went against years of assumed Bachelor rules and tradition and two months of me discounting B as an also-ran.

JoJo and Ben went swimming near some waterfalls. Melissa and I were impressed with her waterproof makeup. JoJo told Ben she loved him.“I don’t want to think about what it would be like to live without you,” JoJo said. “Oh sweetheart, you better start thinking,” Melissa ripped. But then, again shockingly, Ben told JoJo he loved her too. JoJo was stunned, and appeared to say something about how she thought he couldn’t say that. Ben’s response was muffled, likely deliberately. Then they made out.

After that there was a long boring conversation that drove me to check the daily fantasy landscape, but that was so ugly it drove me to check my email, then some college basketball scores. Fortunately JoJo summarized their conversation for me: “It’s so nice to hear you talk,” she said. They spent the night together and JoJo impressed Melissa by wearing sweats in the morning instead of a nightie or lingerie.

They interspersed a bunch of overly-enthusiastic Caila clips with clips of Ben pondering palm trees and mulling how he was going to dump her. Caila surprised him at the resort and he dumped her. She cried.

“The whole purpose of this is to find one true love,” Ben stated. “Right now I have two true loves.” “I am so far in my relationship with Ben,” JoJo said. “I just couldn’t imagine him feeling that way about anyone else.” Melissa made some polygamy jokes.

The Women Tell All

There was a big season recap. “Ben is the hottest man I have ever seen in my life,” someone shrieked. “You need to get out more,” Melissa said. There was a big Olivia highlights/lowlights montage. For some reason there was a bird in the midst and for some reason it was hanging near Lace the Bitch. The Russian spoke English. Jami broke a record for percentage of boob shown without a nipple shown. There was a big Jubilee recap. There was a big Lace recap. Some guy took his shirt off revealing a tattoo of her. Seriously, a man actually got a tattoo of Lace. Melissa hoped it was temporary.

There was a second big Olivia montage. Jennifer had a witty comment which made we wonder again why Ben got rid of her so fast. The Twins complained simultaneously. Olivia claimed she was a giant bitch on the show because she was an introvert. They all gave her a hard time including someone named Izzy I’d never heard of or seen before in my life. Olivia wept while referencing “hard times” and “terrible things” on social media as Chris Harrison greedily begged for details. There was a big Caila montage. Melissa called her a bitch after she was reminded that she got “the Amos Lee date”, then made further fun of a weeping Caila as she complained about never finding love.

Chris Harrison made Ben pick out which one of the Twins was which. There was a big blooper montage. 

Standings

Andie & Eric - 45 points

Caila - 28

Emily - 14

Haley - 3
Melissa and I really warmed up to Caila down the stretch, even if Ben didn't. She revealed herself to be a weakness-free catch, and I'd watch if she's named next Bachelorette.

Andrea & Zack - 44 points

Lauren B - 28

Lauren H - 11

Lauren LB - 5

I've never gotten the Lauren B thing. Y'all left a lot of sidebet money on the table - I would have taken about five other girls against her heads up. JoJo the End Boss will be tough to slay in the Finals, but B has already accomplished more than most winners.

Bri & Doug - 38 points

JoJo - 28

Amber - 8

Samantha - 2
JoJo may still have the edge, but a win from her likely won't be enough for Bri & Doug to overcome The Laurens. They've got six points to make up, and a JoJo win over B will only net them three - and they'd actually lose ground if B became the next Bachelorette. Barring an unexpected twist, A to Z will likely take their second pool title.

Julia & Paul - 35 points

Amanda - 21

Jennifer - 6

Rachel - 5
+3 last team standing bonus

Melissa & Tom - 23 points

Olivia - 12

Leah - 6

Shushanna - 5

Kelly & Phil - 21 points

Jubilee - 7

Becca -12

Jami - 2

In retrospect, J&P were correct to complain about their draw. Nobody left at the turn went any deeper than, like, Amanda. There was nothing they could have done. If not for Whitney's Cinderella run, I'd be concerned the last couple teams to draft each season would be screwed. Our picks generally wind up being pretty accurate, and it's hard not to be topheavy.

Episodes 6 & 7

Synopsis

Episode 6

Ben confronted Olivia. He said the other girls had issues with her. “Like, I’m just like, different. I like reading books in my room, and like, thinking, and that’s what I do. I want to talk, smart, things,” she explained before crying. Again The Twin accused her tears of fakeness. “Come at me bro,” Olivia challenged. At the rose ceremony, The Twin managed to cry and obtain the last rose. Big Boobs got voted out.

I decided Carly Rae Jepsen's "I Really Like You" from last week should be the official theme song of the blog, so I added a link to it on the upper right. I couldn't figure out how to open the link in a new tab, so you'll have to do that yourself if you want Carly's sweet stylings to serenade your readings.  Or maybe Bag will leave a comment telling me how to change it on Blogger. Or you can just listen to it on Spotify. Or not at all.

They went to the Bahamas and Ben selected Caila for another one-on-one date even though Invisible Leah hadn’t been on one yet. Invisible Leah became visible and cried. A lot.

“I feel like I love you,” Caila said, but then said she was afraid of breaking Ben’s heart. Then Ben said he was worried they were going to break up that night, then Caila said a few nice things while some piano music played, then Ben gave her the date rose and made out with her.

Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H, and a tilted Leah went swimming with some pigs. JoJo had a good conversation with Ben about the awkwardness of the situation. Suddenly Visible Leah cried again, then expressed frustration to Ben while crying, then cried more.

During a thunderstorm, Visible Leah randomly tossed Lauren B under the bus and Ben confronted B about it. “Honestly, when I’m with you, I don’t think about anything,” B explained. Then she wept and Leah flat-out lied to them all, saying she never said anything bad about B. Amanda got the date rose.

Melissa and I argued about how dumb or not dumb Amanda, Lauren B, and The Twin were. We agreed The Twin was actually kinda smart, B was more “cheerleaderish” than idiotic, and Amanda was dumb as a pile of rocks. And then Tom collected our plates, peed and went upstairs which gave Melissa time to steal Tom’s computer and write in the blog. Oops.

I came back in time for a behind-the-back catfight between Leah and B. Leah lost: Ben dumped her. She cried yet again, offsetting the points she lost for exiting prematurely.

Olivia and The Twin went on a cloudy, blustery date on a boat with Ben. “It’s perfect!” Overconfident Olivia exclaimed. “Is it?” Ben asked. The Twin screamed as she jumped three feet off the boat onto the shore. They drank champagne in the wind awkwardly for a moment before separating. Olivia told Ben she loved him. The Twin attempted to have a conversation with him with blowing hair covering her face.

They set Olivia up for another satisfying exit by playing a bunch of her most cocky comments. This time it wasn’t a second-level trick though, as Ben actually did get rid of her – by cruelly grabbing the rose, bringing her aside, telling her he loved how she opened up to him, then dumping her alone on the beach in a pseudo-hurricane.

“It makes sense that Emily keeps winning the 2-on-1s, cause she’s a twin,” Melissa said. “She’s been winning 2-on-1s her entire life.”

Ben cancelled the cocktail party, startling JoJo into a fit of tears. At the rose ceremony, Ben sent Lauren H back to Kindergarten. She broke down and cried in the hearse ride, as did everyone else (including Ben) on the big preview trailer to end the show. 

Episode 7

“Welcome to Warsaw, Indiana, the place where I grew up!” Ben introduced jollily before running into his parents at a greasy spoon. Ben gave them a rundown on the remaining six contestants, noting Becca’s frigidity, The Twin’s twinness, JoJo’s comfort, Caila’s sex appeal, Amanda’s momness and “shocking” beauty and something vague about Lauren B.

Lauren B and her dark roots drove with Ben in an old red Chevy truck through rainy Warsaw. Ben showed her some key Warsaw landmarks including the high school, church and youth club. Melissa noted that the church was bigger than the high school. At the youth club, Lauren B made a free throw and pulled off a cartwheel. A kid with bleached hair named Ronnie nailed a half-court shot. It was unclear how many takes it took him to make it.

George Hill and Paul George showed up. I reminisced over all the times Paul murdered our DFS lineups this season. That guy is matchup-independent. I don’t think we’ve rostered Hill once this season. Neither played any basketball even though they’re professionals and they were on a basketball court. Instead the kids, Ben, and B played. B dribbled with her left hand. It was unclear if she was lefthanded or ambidextrous, but I’m sure Ben was taking notes. The night portion of the date incited a large “BOORRRR-INNNNGG” from Melissa followed by a sigh. It was the obligatory dull dinner date followed by the obligatory drink at a bar followed by the obligatory makeout sesh on a rooftop. B told the cameras she was in love with Ben.

Ben and JoJo went to play baseball at Wrigley Field. “I’m confused, how did they get to Chicago?” Melissa wondered. JoJo had never played before but hit one to the edge of the infield. Ben hit the Moon-patented weak liner to the right of second base. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, they announced the next group date and The Twin wasn’t on it, which caused her to cry from thinking she’d instead get the next one-on-one. Frigid Becca said she was feeling “things I’ve never felt before.” I declined to make a penis joke cause I actually think Becca is pretty swell. JoJo articulated herself effectively as usual while eating dinner on the Wrigley outfield.

Amanda, Becca and Caila took a stretch limo to some farm somewhere. I asked Melissa where they were and she described it as “some farm somewhere.” They paddled in boats for a bit, then flew kites for a bit, then sipped chardonnay in a barn while contemplating the significance of the date. “This is the biggest rose yet,” Ben said. “Literally?” Master Gardener Melissa wondered. “There is a lot of weight to this rose,” Ben said, perhaps responding. He surprised us by giving Amanda the date rose, but that wasn’t as surprising as Frigid Becca shedding tears in response. Caila also cried.

Amanda and Ben returned to Warsaw AKA “The Orthopedic Capital.” Perhaps Eric Schwartz can shed some light on that nickname. They went to McDonald’s. Amanda took drive-thru orders. “Why are they doing this?” Melissa wondered. “Because they’re paying them a lot of money,” I explained. Amanda and Ben re-enacted the Lady & The Tramp spaghetti-kissing scene with a French fry.

Then they went to a carnival. The mayor and someone named Eric were there but neither was Eric Schwartz. Amanda and Ben rode some rides and made out a bunch and little kids whacked Ben repeatedly with giant inflatable hammers. Then they made out on a ferris wheel (Amanda and Ben, not the little kids).

Ben and The Twin drove a boat to Ben’s parents’ riverside home while Bailey wedged himself deep into the couch cushions. Coincidentally, Caila called Emily “a bright-eyed puppy” right then. Ben’s parents came down to meet The Twin, who announced that “talking to people can really be a hard thing for me,” before saying she “really needed to count on her conversation skills” to get through the date before telling Ben’s mom she wanted to be a Denver Broncos cheerleader. And that was before they won the Super Bowl. Ben’s mom expressed concern over Emily’s age and maturity before joining The Crying Game. Ben rope-a-doped The Twin with smiles and blankets and a river sunset before suddenly dumping her while the other girls watched through a window. Obviously she cried, but it didn’t really even help the Schwartzes because all the other girls except Caila cried too. At the rose ceremony, Ben had Frigid Becca pack her bags. She managed to summon a few tears in the hearse ride. 

Standings

Andie & Eric - 32 points

Caila -15

Emily - 14

Haley - 3
Emily's stay on the show was like a 13-seed's Cinderella run to the Elite Eight ending in a blowout loss to a traditional power. Sixth place, 14 points, way-outlasting her twin and meeting the parents has to qualify as a massive success. Caila is cruising, but you could say that about the other remaining contestants.

Andrea & Zack - 31 points

Lauren B - 15

Lauren H - 11

Lauren LB - 5

Could B lead the Laurens to the promised land? I'm still betting no. Caila and JoJo seem to have more to offer. But I've been cold on B all season.

Julia & Paul - 30 points

Amanda -16

Jennifer - 6

Rachel - 5
+3 last team standing bonus

Amanda just made hometowns?? She just beat Becca? What am I missing? Cause I preferred half the girls he sent home the first night. In any case, this is where the dream dies for Teen Mom.

Bri & Doug - 25 points

JoJo -15

Amber - 8

Samantha - 2
JoJo has a hammerlock on winner or next Bachelorette. To think there was a time Zack poked fun at B&D for drafting her. Personally I'm hoping Ben picks Caila, as I'll have a tough time watching next season unless it's JoJo or Becca. Or Jubilee. Or Lace. Or fresh blood. Or Juan Pablo.

Melissa & Tom - 23 points

Olivia - 12

Leah - 6

Shushanna - 5
Ugly season for the MoonBee on the heels of a disastrous Survivor pool season. While it doesn't seem just that a team like Kelly & Phil's could wind up with fewer points, I do think our points system is more representative, balanced, and effective than ever. Note that Olivia is the only player who's received points (2) for an "I love you." There may have been others - let me know if so.

Kelly & Phil - 21 points

Jubilee - 7

Becca -12

Jami - 2

Amazingly this seemingly potent squad crapped out in last place. It was pretty bad luck that Jami only scored 2 and Jubilee exited prematurely; Becca's lack of crying could be predicted, but she still outscored all other second-rounders except Emily. Here's hoping she's the next Bachelorette.