Finale, After The Final Rose and Pool Results

Synopsis

“I am so happy waking up in Jamaica,” Lauren B announced. “Of course,” a sick Melissa added bitterly as she sipped chicken noodle soup while a cold wind howled against our windows. “She is missing part of her shorts,” Melissa further critiqued.

Ben’s parents met him at the Jamaican resort. B was soon to follow. “I’m in love with you,” she told Ben, “but like, getting married for me is like a big commitment. It’s like I’m gonna do that one time, my whole life, like once.”

JoJo came next and said smarter things to Ben’s parents before crying a bit. Bailey picked his way onto the couch with the patience, precision, and fast-twitch athleticism of a pole vaulter. I went on another tirade about JoJo’s superiority over B. I mean seriously people, seriously Higgins, SHE IS SUPERIOR TO B IN EVERY WAY. Ben’s mom agreed with me. “How does JoJo get away without wearing a bra?” Melissa asked, which really was another way of agreeing with me.

Ben tried to decide between the two with his parents, while walking on the beach, while staring at palm trees and while looking to the horizon from a boat. He was unable to, so he went on another date with B. They hung out on a hammock that was built into the floor of a boat and talked about nothing. “I just don’t get it Bee,” I said to Melissa. “I JUST DO NOT GET LAUREN B.” “She’s got a chunk missing out of her shorts,” Melissa explained. The only other edge we could figure for B was that she lived in Portland compared to JoJo's Dallas.

Ben and B made out for a while before re-attempting conversation. “What are you thinking about right now?” B asked Ben. “JoJo,” Melissa finished for him. They talked about nothing for a while longer before walking off on the beach. “Look at that!” Melissa exclaimed. “She’s a waddler! She waddles!” After hours of seemingly meaningless drivel B finally got the memo that Ben might be in love with JoJo the End Boss and cried. Bailey, now masterfully wedged in between Melissa and me, started snoring loudly. 

JoJo, who was wearing a bra (a bright yellow one) met Ben for a Jeep ride. They drove to a grotto to make out. JoJo’s yellow bra turned out to be part of a swimsuit. They talked about nothing for a while as Bailey’s snoring grew in volume and slowed in pace.

That night they reconvened in a room at the resort to continue their conversation about nothing. JoJo went bra-less once again. Zack texted me this hilarious video of Andrew Bogut “shooting” a free throw as Ben and JoJo continued their interminable conversation in a bathroom stall. JoJo finally asked Ben if he loved Lauren B too and he told her he did and she cried.

The Ring Guy “Neill” came to visit Ben. Neill pointedly asked Ben about the woman he’d be proposing to, forcing Ben to admit he hadn’t yet chosen. He stared at the ring for a while and then suddenly found the answer. It was kind of like PiMaster and I hemming and hawing between Brandon Knight and Ricky Rubio that night on FanDuel, then randomly going with Knight because the deadline was approaching.

Ben dumped JoJo and all I could think about was that other guy fist-pumping in a musty Dallas basement. I felt bad for JoJo but mostly happy cause that meant she’d probably be the next Bachelorette. Melissa mentioned JoJo's brothers, how they would beat the crap out of Ben when he returned to the States.

Ben called Lauren B’s dad to check if he could propose to B. The dad said he could. Ben proposed to B. She said yes.

After The Final Rose

Ben and JoJo talked to each other like adults. No one cursed or cried or called names. JoJo didn’t seem to be the slightest bit torn up, perhaps because of her emotional intelligence, perhaps because she knew she was gonna be the next Bachelorette.

Lauren B announced she’d be moving to Denver to live with Ben. “Oh great, we can be BFFs!” Melissa exclaimed. Jimmy Kimmel came on to do a sketch involving dolls and hype Ben and B’s upcoming appearance on his show. Ben and B talked with Harrison some more. It was so dull Melissa and I started talking about wenises. Harrison tried to get Ben to marry B on the spot and Ben deflected it by redundantly asking B to marry him again and she said yes again.

Standings

Andrea & Zack - 52 points

Lauren B - 36

Lauren H - 11

Lauren LB - 5

A to Z have done it again! The most successful duo in pool history escapes with the narrowest victory in pool history. Despite her victory, B was outscored by JoJo the Juggernaut, so it was the backup Laurens that made the difference for the Sanderses. How they managed to select B #1 overall is a question that can only be answered by Andrea, Zack, and Reality Steve.

Bri & Doug - 49 points

JoJo - 39

Amber - 8

Samantha - 2
Valiant effort by JoJo, who should make an excellent Bachelorette. I did think the same of Andi and Kaitlyn before their stints, only to be frustrated by their modified personas and disappointing choices. But no other contestant from this season would be preferable.

Andie & Eric - 45 points

Caila - 28

Emily - 14

Haley - 3

Julia & Paul - 35 points

Amanda - 21

Jennifer - 6

Rachel - 5
+3 last team standing bonus

Melissa & Tom - 23 points

Olivia - 12

Leah - 6

Shushanna - 5

Kelly & Phil - 21 points

Jubilee - 7

Becca -12

Jami - 2

JoJo's season premieres Monday, May 23. Let's get together for the draft sometime later that week. What works for y'all?

Hometowns, Fantasy Suites & The Women Tell All

Synopsis

Hometowns
 

Ben, who was wearing what Melissa called “pirate pants”, expressed excitement that he’d narrowed it down to “four smart, sophisticated, beautiful women.” Maybe he got one out of three.

Amanda’s daughters came running up to her on the beach, inciting a fit of tears. The four of them hung out on the beach for a few minutes before heading back to a house in Orange County.  Amanda cried some more while talking to her mom, but she was wearing the same outfit so she didn’t score any more points. Nothing much happened and Ben left. “I can honestly say I would be completely heartbroken if I was sent home,” Amanda said. Foreshadowing, anyone?

Next up was Lauren B in Portland, Oregon. “I just don’t see how he could possibly take Amanda over Lauren B,” I announced. “Aren’t they the same person? Except Lauren B doesn’t have kids, lives in Portland and is a little better looking. What am I missing?” I asked. Melissa shook her head disparagingly.

As I predicted they got lunch at a food truck. Then they went to a “Whiskey Library” and hung out for a bit. They left with a lot of good whiskey still in their glasses, which enraged Melissa and me, before parking blocks away from B’s house for unknown reasons.

B’s mom, dad, sister, two brothers and dog were waiting for them. They all seemed to be about the same age to me, and sure enough it turned out the dog was 18. The sister may have been better-looking than B and asked Ben some pretty good questions. Perhaps she will be the next Bachelorette. Ben floundered with the questions and started crying so he wouldn’t have to answer. B shed a tear while talking to her dad. The mom, brothers and dog didn’t get any additional airtime.

Next up Ben met Caila in a nondescript Ohio town. “Caila challenges me because she’s real,” he admitted. They went to a factory and built a house. Then they went to Caila’s parents’ house. Caila cried a little bit while telling her parents she loved Ben. Despite their recommendations she tell Ben that, Caila choked and just said “I’ll see ya later,” when bidding Ben goodbye.

Finally there was JoJo in Dallas. She showed up wearing “terrible open-toed boots” according to Melissa and “an awful shirt” according to me. Flowers and a romantic letter were waiting for JoJo at her house, but they turned out to be from an ex-boyfriend, not Ben. JoJo started crying, then called the ex on speakerphone so everyone in America could hear.

Ben showed up.  “He’s a cardigan guy, huh?” Melissa noticed. “Guess that’s not so farfetched.” JoJo recovered and took Ben to her family’s gigantic house. There was a mom, a very-Texan looking dad (according to Melissa), a sister and two big brothers. They talked briefly about Dallas. “I’m not opposed to moving,” Ben said. “Except to Texas,” Melissa added. “You can’t move from Colorado to Texas.”

“We’re really, really, REALLY attached to Joelle,” one of the brothers said. “Who the F is Joelle?” Melissa wondered. The boys took Ben back to one of the house’s 19 rooms to pepper him with questions before the dad followed suit in a library. JoJo’s mom told her to let her guard down, then the brothers urged her to keep her guard up. The brothers gave Ben a hard time in the kitchen while the mom chugged champagne straight from the bottle.

The ladies brought the heat to the rose ceremony. Melissa called it “Teeny-Tiny Dress Night.” Ben finally got rid of Teen Mom, who held it together before capsizing in the limo.

Fantasy Suites

Ben & co. went down to Jamaica. Caila went rafting with him on a river. She expressed anxiety over the two other girls. “I think Caila has something on her mind today,” Ben deduced. They reconvened that night at Sandals resort, where Michael Scott once took Jan Levinson (no Gould). Caila told Ben that she loved him. He responded by making out with her and Caila said she “could feel it in his breath” that he loved her too. They made out in the ocean underneath a fireworks show before retiring to the fantasy suite.

Moments after the date concluded Lauren B arrived for hers. A Brit named Mel helped them find and rear baby sea turtles. That night B wanted to tell Ben she loved him, but couldn’t muster the courage. Instead she told him he was “Legitimately, like the man of my dreams.” They got the fantasy suite invitation. “I need time to us, to do us,” B said.

Finally she told Ben she was “completely in love with him”, adding “You really are, like the man of my dreams.” Then came the big surprise: “I’ve known I’m in love with you for a while as well,” Ben said, which went against years of assumed Bachelor rules and tradition and two months of me discounting B as an also-ran.

JoJo and Ben went swimming near some waterfalls. Melissa and I were impressed with her waterproof makeup. JoJo told Ben she loved him.“I don’t want to think about what it would be like to live without you,” JoJo said. “Oh sweetheart, you better start thinking,” Melissa ripped. But then, again shockingly, Ben told JoJo he loved her too. JoJo was stunned, and appeared to say something about how she thought he couldn’t say that. Ben’s response was muffled, likely deliberately. Then they made out.

After that there was a long boring conversation that drove me to check the daily fantasy landscape, but that was so ugly it drove me to check my email, then some college basketball scores. Fortunately JoJo summarized their conversation for me: “It’s so nice to hear you talk,” she said. They spent the night together and JoJo impressed Melissa by wearing sweats in the morning instead of a nightie or lingerie.

They interspersed a bunch of overly-enthusiastic Caila clips with clips of Ben pondering palm trees and mulling how he was going to dump her. Caila surprised him at the resort and he dumped her. She cried.

“The whole purpose of this is to find one true love,” Ben stated. “Right now I have two true loves.” “I am so far in my relationship with Ben,” JoJo said. “I just couldn’t imagine him feeling that way about anyone else.” Melissa made some polygamy jokes.

The Women Tell All

There was a big season recap. “Ben is the hottest man I have ever seen in my life,” someone shrieked. “You need to get out more,” Melissa said. There was a big Olivia highlights/lowlights montage. For some reason there was a bird in the midst and for some reason it was hanging near Lace the Bitch. The Russian spoke English. Jami broke a record for percentage of boob shown without a nipple shown. There was a big Jubilee recap. There was a big Lace recap. Some guy took his shirt off revealing a tattoo of her. Seriously, a man actually got a tattoo of Lace. Melissa hoped it was temporary.

There was a second big Olivia montage. Jennifer had a witty comment which made we wonder again why Ben got rid of her so fast. The Twins complained simultaneously. Olivia claimed she was a giant bitch on the show because she was an introvert. They all gave her a hard time including someone named Izzy I’d never heard of or seen before in my life. Olivia wept while referencing “hard times” and “terrible things” on social media as Chris Harrison greedily begged for details. There was a big Caila montage. Melissa called her a bitch after she was reminded that she got “the Amos Lee date”, then made further fun of a weeping Caila as she complained about never finding love.

Chris Harrison made Ben pick out which one of the Twins was which. There was a big blooper montage. 

Standings

Andie & Eric - 45 points

Caila - 28

Emily - 14

Haley - 3
Melissa and I really warmed up to Caila down the stretch, even if Ben didn't. She revealed herself to be a weakness-free catch, and I'd watch if she's named next Bachelorette.

Andrea & Zack - 44 points

Lauren B - 28

Lauren H - 11

Lauren LB - 5

I've never gotten the Lauren B thing. Y'all left a lot of sidebet money on the table - I would have taken about five other girls against her heads up. JoJo the End Boss will be tough to slay in the Finals, but B has already accomplished more than most winners.

Bri & Doug - 38 points

JoJo - 28

Amber - 8

Samantha - 2
JoJo may still have the edge, but a win from her likely won't be enough for Bri & Doug to overcome The Laurens. They've got six points to make up, and a JoJo win over B will only net them three - and they'd actually lose ground if B became the next Bachelorette. Barring an unexpected twist, A to Z will likely take their second pool title.

Julia & Paul - 35 points

Amanda - 21

Jennifer - 6

Rachel - 5
+3 last team standing bonus

Melissa & Tom - 23 points

Olivia - 12

Leah - 6

Shushanna - 5

Kelly & Phil - 21 points

Jubilee - 7

Becca -12

Jami - 2

In retrospect, J&P were correct to complain about their draw. Nobody left at the turn went any deeper than, like, Amanda. There was nothing they could have done. If not for Whitney's Cinderella run, I'd be concerned the last couple teams to draft each season would be screwed. Our picks generally wind up being pretty accurate, and it's hard not to be topheavy.