Hometowns, Fantasy Suites & The Women Tell All

Synopsis

Hometowns
 

Ben, who was wearing what Melissa called “pirate pants”, expressed excitement that he’d narrowed it down to “four smart, sophisticated, beautiful women.” Maybe he got one out of three.

Amanda’s daughters came running up to her on the beach, inciting a fit of tears. The four of them hung out on the beach for a few minutes before heading back to a house in Orange County.  Amanda cried some more while talking to her mom, but she was wearing the same outfit so she didn’t score any more points. Nothing much happened and Ben left. “I can honestly say I would be completely heartbroken if I was sent home,” Amanda said. Foreshadowing, anyone?

Next up was Lauren B in Portland, Oregon. “I just don’t see how he could possibly take Amanda over Lauren B,” I announced. “Aren’t they the same person? Except Lauren B doesn’t have kids, lives in Portland and is a little better looking. What am I missing?” I asked. Melissa shook her head disparagingly.

As I predicted they got lunch at a food truck. Then they went to a “Whiskey Library” and hung out for a bit. They left with a lot of good whiskey still in their glasses, which enraged Melissa and me, before parking blocks away from B’s house for unknown reasons.

B’s mom, dad, sister, two brothers and dog were waiting for them. They all seemed to be about the same age to me, and sure enough it turned out the dog was 18. The sister may have been better-looking than B and asked Ben some pretty good questions. Perhaps she will be the next Bachelorette. Ben floundered with the questions and started crying so he wouldn’t have to answer. B shed a tear while talking to her dad. The mom, brothers and dog didn’t get any additional airtime.

Next up Ben met Caila in a nondescript Ohio town. “Caila challenges me because she’s real,” he admitted. They went to a factory and built a house. Then they went to Caila’s parents’ house. Caila cried a little bit while telling her parents she loved Ben. Despite their recommendations she tell Ben that, Caila choked and just said “I’ll see ya later,” when bidding Ben goodbye.

Finally there was JoJo in Dallas. She showed up wearing “terrible open-toed boots” according to Melissa and “an awful shirt” according to me. Flowers and a romantic letter were waiting for JoJo at her house, but they turned out to be from an ex-boyfriend, not Ben. JoJo started crying, then called the ex on speakerphone so everyone in America could hear.

Ben showed up.  “He’s a cardigan guy, huh?” Melissa noticed. “Guess that’s not so farfetched.” JoJo recovered and took Ben to her family’s gigantic house. There was a mom, a very-Texan looking dad (according to Melissa), a sister and two big brothers. They talked briefly about Dallas. “I’m not opposed to moving,” Ben said. “Except to Texas,” Melissa added. “You can’t move from Colorado to Texas.”

“We’re really, really, REALLY attached to Joelle,” one of the brothers said. “Who the F is Joelle?” Melissa wondered. The boys took Ben back to one of the house’s 19 rooms to pepper him with questions before the dad followed suit in a library. JoJo’s mom told her to let her guard down, then the brothers urged her to keep her guard up. The brothers gave Ben a hard time in the kitchen while the mom chugged champagne straight from the bottle.

The ladies brought the heat to the rose ceremony. Melissa called it “Teeny-Tiny Dress Night.” Ben finally got rid of Teen Mom, who held it together before capsizing in the limo.

Fantasy Suites

Ben & co. went down to Jamaica. Caila went rafting with him on a river. She expressed anxiety over the two other girls. “I think Caila has something on her mind today,” Ben deduced. They reconvened that night at Sandals resort, where Michael Scott once took Jan Levinson (no Gould). Caila told Ben that she loved him. He responded by making out with her and Caila said she “could feel it in his breath” that he loved her too. They made out in the ocean underneath a fireworks show before retiring to the fantasy suite.

Moments after the date concluded Lauren B arrived for hers. A Brit named Mel helped them find and rear baby sea turtles. That night B wanted to tell Ben she loved him, but couldn’t muster the courage. Instead she told him he was “Legitimately, like the man of my dreams.” They got the fantasy suite invitation. “I need time to us, to do us,” B said.

Finally she told Ben she was “completely in love with him”, adding “You really are, like the man of my dreams.” Then came the big surprise: “I’ve known I’m in love with you for a while as well,” Ben said, which went against years of assumed Bachelor rules and tradition and two months of me discounting B as an also-ran.

JoJo and Ben went swimming near some waterfalls. Melissa and I were impressed with her waterproof makeup. JoJo told Ben she loved him.“I don’t want to think about what it would be like to live without you,” JoJo said. “Oh sweetheart, you better start thinking,” Melissa ripped. But then, again shockingly, Ben told JoJo he loved her too. JoJo was stunned, and appeared to say something about how she thought he couldn’t say that. Ben’s response was muffled, likely deliberately. Then they made out.

After that there was a long boring conversation that drove me to check the daily fantasy landscape, but that was so ugly it drove me to check my email, then some college basketball scores. Fortunately JoJo summarized their conversation for me: “It’s so nice to hear you talk,” she said. They spent the night together and JoJo impressed Melissa by wearing sweats in the morning instead of a nightie or lingerie.

They interspersed a bunch of overly-enthusiastic Caila clips with clips of Ben pondering palm trees and mulling how he was going to dump her. Caila surprised him at the resort and he dumped her. She cried.

“The whole purpose of this is to find one true love,” Ben stated. “Right now I have two true loves.” “I am so far in my relationship with Ben,” JoJo said. “I just couldn’t imagine him feeling that way about anyone else.” Melissa made some polygamy jokes.

The Women Tell All

There was a big season recap. “Ben is the hottest man I have ever seen in my life,” someone shrieked. “You need to get out more,” Melissa said. There was a big Olivia highlights/lowlights montage. For some reason there was a bird in the midst and for some reason it was hanging near Lace the Bitch. The Russian spoke English. Jami broke a record for percentage of boob shown without a nipple shown. There was a big Jubilee recap. There was a big Lace recap. Some guy took his shirt off revealing a tattoo of her. Seriously, a man actually got a tattoo of Lace. Melissa hoped it was temporary.

There was a second big Olivia montage. Jennifer had a witty comment which made we wonder again why Ben got rid of her so fast. The Twins complained simultaneously. Olivia claimed she was a giant bitch on the show because she was an introvert. They all gave her a hard time including someone named Izzy I’d never heard of or seen before in my life. Olivia wept while referencing “hard times” and “terrible things” on social media as Chris Harrison greedily begged for details. There was a big Caila montage. Melissa called her a bitch after she was reminded that she got “the Amos Lee date”, then made further fun of a weeping Caila as she complained about never finding love.

Chris Harrison made Ben pick out which one of the Twins was which. There was a big blooper montage. 

Standings

Andie & Eric - 45 points

Caila - 28

Emily - 14

Haley - 3
Melissa and I really warmed up to Caila down the stretch, even if Ben didn't. She revealed herself to be a weakness-free catch, and I'd watch if she's named next Bachelorette.

Andrea & Zack - 44 points

Lauren B - 28

Lauren H - 11

Lauren LB - 5

I've never gotten the Lauren B thing. Y'all left a lot of sidebet money on the table - I would have taken about five other girls against her heads up. JoJo the End Boss will be tough to slay in the Finals, but B has already accomplished more than most winners.

Bri & Doug - 38 points

JoJo - 28

Amber - 8

Samantha - 2
JoJo may still have the edge, but a win from her likely won't be enough for Bri & Doug to overcome The Laurens. They've got six points to make up, and a JoJo win over B will only net them three - and they'd actually lose ground if B became the next Bachelorette. Barring an unexpected twist, A to Z will likely take their second pool title.

Julia & Paul - 35 points

Amanda - 21

Jennifer - 6

Rachel - 5
+3 last team standing bonus

Melissa & Tom - 23 points

Olivia - 12

Leah - 6

Shushanna - 5

Kelly & Phil - 21 points

Jubilee - 7

Becca -12

Jami - 2

In retrospect, J&P were correct to complain about their draw. Nobody left at the turn went any deeper than, like, Amanda. There was nothing they could have done. If not for Whitney's Cinderella run, I'd be concerned the last couple teams to draft each season would be screwed. Our picks generally wind up being pretty accurate, and it's hard not to be topheavy.