Finale, After The Final Rose and Pool Results

Synopsis

“I am so happy waking up in Jamaica,” Lauren B announced. “Of course,” a sick Melissa added bitterly as she sipped chicken noodle soup while a cold wind howled against our windows. “She is missing part of her shorts,” Melissa further critiqued.

Ben’s parents met him at the Jamaican resort. B was soon to follow. “I’m in love with you,” she told Ben, “but like, getting married for me is like a big commitment. It’s like I’m gonna do that one time, my whole life, like once.”

JoJo came next and said smarter things to Ben’s parents before crying a bit. Bailey picked his way onto the couch with the patience, precision, and fast-twitch athleticism of a pole vaulter. I went on another tirade about JoJo’s superiority over B. I mean seriously people, seriously Higgins, SHE IS SUPERIOR TO B IN EVERY WAY. Ben’s mom agreed with me. “How does JoJo get away without wearing a bra?” Melissa asked, which really was another way of agreeing with me.

Ben tried to decide between the two with his parents, while walking on the beach, while staring at palm trees and while looking to the horizon from a boat. He was unable to, so he went on another date with B. They hung out on a hammock that was built into the floor of a boat and talked about nothing. “I just don’t get it Bee,” I said to Melissa. “I JUST DO NOT GET LAUREN B.” “She’s got a chunk missing out of her shorts,” Melissa explained. The only other edge we could figure for B was that she lived in Portland compared to JoJo's Dallas.

Ben and B made out for a while before re-attempting conversation. “What are you thinking about right now?” B asked Ben. “JoJo,” Melissa finished for him. They talked about nothing for a while longer before walking off on the beach. “Look at that!” Melissa exclaimed. “She’s a waddler! She waddles!” After hours of seemingly meaningless drivel B finally got the memo that Ben might be in love with JoJo the End Boss and cried. Bailey, now masterfully wedged in between Melissa and me, started snoring loudly. 

JoJo, who was wearing a bra (a bright yellow one) met Ben for a Jeep ride. They drove to a grotto to make out. JoJo’s yellow bra turned out to be part of a swimsuit. They talked about nothing for a while as Bailey’s snoring grew in volume and slowed in pace.

That night they reconvened in a room at the resort to continue their conversation about nothing. JoJo went bra-less once again. Zack texted me this hilarious video of Andrew Bogut “shooting” a free throw as Ben and JoJo continued their interminable conversation in a bathroom stall. JoJo finally asked Ben if he loved Lauren B too and he told her he did and she cried.

The Ring Guy “Neill” came to visit Ben. Neill pointedly asked Ben about the woman he’d be proposing to, forcing Ben to admit he hadn’t yet chosen. He stared at the ring for a while and then suddenly found the answer. It was kind of like PiMaster and I hemming and hawing between Brandon Knight and Ricky Rubio that night on FanDuel, then randomly going with Knight because the deadline was approaching.

Ben dumped JoJo and all I could think about was that other guy fist-pumping in a musty Dallas basement. I felt bad for JoJo but mostly happy cause that meant she’d probably be the next Bachelorette. Melissa mentioned JoJo's brothers, how they would beat the crap out of Ben when he returned to the States.

Ben called Lauren B’s dad to check if he could propose to B. The dad said he could. Ben proposed to B. She said yes.

After The Final Rose

Ben and JoJo talked to each other like adults. No one cursed or cried or called names. JoJo didn’t seem to be the slightest bit torn up, perhaps because of her emotional intelligence, perhaps because she knew she was gonna be the next Bachelorette.

Lauren B announced she’d be moving to Denver to live with Ben. “Oh great, we can be BFFs!” Melissa exclaimed. Jimmy Kimmel came on to do a sketch involving dolls and hype Ben and B’s upcoming appearance on his show. Ben and B talked with Harrison some more. It was so dull Melissa and I started talking about wenises. Harrison tried to get Ben to marry B on the spot and Ben deflected it by redundantly asking B to marry him again and she said yes again.

Standings

Andrea & Zack - 52 points

Lauren B - 36

Lauren H - 11

Lauren LB - 5

A to Z have done it again! The most successful duo in pool history escapes with the narrowest victory in pool history. Despite her victory, B was outscored by JoJo the Juggernaut, so it was the backup Laurens that made the difference for the Sanderses. How they managed to select B #1 overall is a question that can only be answered by Andrea, Zack, and Reality Steve.

Bri & Doug - 49 points

JoJo - 39

Amber - 8

Samantha - 2
Valiant effort by JoJo, who should make an excellent Bachelorette. I did think the same of Andi and Kaitlyn before their stints, only to be frustrated by their modified personas and disappointing choices. But no other contestant from this season would be preferable.

Andie & Eric - 45 points

Caila - 28

Emily - 14

Haley - 3

Julia & Paul - 35 points

Amanda - 21

Jennifer - 6

Rachel - 5
+3 last team standing bonus

Melissa & Tom - 23 points

Olivia - 12

Leah - 6

Shushanna - 5

Kelly & Phil - 21 points

Jubilee - 7

Becca -12

Jami - 2

JoJo's season premieres Monday, May 23. Let's get together for the draft sometime later that week. What works for y'all?