Episode 4

This week on the Bachelor they jump right in to the Hannah and Caelynn drama. Chris Harrison mixes up their names, which goes over like a lead balloon. It’s all forgotten as soon as he drops the “you’re going to Singapore” bomb. Hannah G. asks “Where is Singapore?”

What would make this 1 million percent better is if Hannah could get a date with Colton. Tom is impressed by the million percent. It shows Hannah’s commitment. I’m sure there a few girls out there who it would make things a billion percent better, so there’s always room for improvement.

Tayshia gets the 1 on 1. Colton updates his Vlog before his date in Singapore. He’s hoping he doesn’t die. It’d be sad, but it would be good TV. The dramatic music plays as Colton and Tayshia realize that bungee jumping takes places off a high point.

Cue the first shirtless shot of Colton - 15 minutes in.

Tayshia reveals that she is divorced. Colton looks a little pissed, but then says that he can’t judge another person's happiness. When Tayshia gets married again it will be “amazing” and gets a rose. Tom predicts a 5th place finish.

The group date includes: Hannah G, Elyse, Kirpa, Sydney, Heather, Onyeka, Tracy, Nicole, Demi, Courtney, Katie, Cassie, and Hannah B - let’s get a taste of Singapore! AKA Melissa’s dream date.

Demi, shockingly, is upset that more attention is taken away from her and onto the Hannah/Caelynn drama. She also, shockingly, is far too physical/aggressive for what is appropriate on a group date.

They get detoxified by leeches. Courtney wonders if they have been approved by the FDA. In Singapore.

One mention of BBQ seafood and Tom is mysteriously not a vegetarian anymore.

Hannah B claims she is pretty open to trying a bite of anything, however she continues to squirm at the thought of eating just about anything. Colton toasts to an adventurous wife - Hannah B is screwed.

Hannah B and Colton clear the air. Cassie gets her first screen time of the season. Colton has an undeniable connection - but not in a brother/sister way.

Courtney is pissed because she is being patient and sweet, which is silly on a TV show with 13 women and 1 man. Demi thinks she has a lazy approach. For the first time (in Bachelor history) I agree with Demi. Then Courtney and Demi have it out. But at the end of the day Courtney walked all the way upstairs to talk to Demi, not Colton.

Demi cries as she tells him her mom is being released from prison. He says he’s “not judging” this situation, although per Tom’s assessment he was obviously judging that. Colton gives Demi the rose. Tom is convinced that Colton is a bullshit artist.

Courtney cries. Nicole comforts her. I took this 100% legit quiz on Facebook about which Bachelor contestant I was (stop judging me). I got Nicole. Who did you get?

Caelynn goes downstairs after receiving a note from an old guy dressed in a top-hat. They get in a really sweet car and they don’t wear seatbelts. Hannah worries that he might buy her shoes and a dress (??). I worry that they might get in a car wreck and die as they’re ejected from their seats. Caelynn’s history as a beauty queen is serving her well as she struts out of the dressing room in zillions of different outfits.  Shockingly, Colton finds this beauty queen beautiful in every single outfit.

Hannah B cries. Cassie cries.

Caelynn hasn’t felt like herself in a long time. Colton gets a nervous look on his face as Caelynn gives a wind-up to pitching her sob story. Which actually did make me sob (#metoo). Also because of this patient I had at work a few months ago who was raped and couldn’t get a rape kit done because “Good Samaritan doesn’t have that ability”. I was so livid. They have since rectified that, but for that woman we could not get her valuable evidence that could support her case (he was let out on a $500 bond after 24 hours - causing our unit to be on lockdown). Two systems that are supposed to protect and serve let this woman down in the worst ways.

ANYWAY… Caelynn and Colton make out for a little while and walk thru some weird lighted towers. I suppose they are letting us assume that Caelynn gets the rose.

Which takes us to the rose ceremony cocktail party. Hannah G and Colton dry hump on his bed and then they remake his bed to hide the evidence.

Hannah B has been “thinking about wanting” to talk to Caelynn. But Caelynn beats her to it and pulls her aside - trying to put this petty drama to bed once and for all. Apologies are said, meant and accepted. Ok. That’s that. The end. That seemed easy. What do you think the chances are the Demi and Courtney can handle things as maturely?

Demi goes straight to Colton to tattle on Courtney calling her the “cancer of the house” warning him to not “waste his time on her”. Conveniently, Courtney interrupts their time next to tell her side. “Literally my worst enemy would not say that about me” Courtney remarks. Well, dear, I think she just did. Courtney makes Colton’s worst fear come alive as he realizes that this is a TV show and a game and he is the grand prize.

Shit hits the fan when Courtney polls the rest of the women on who thinks she is the cancer of the house. “BOOM” describes Onyeka. Cat fight. (insert eye roll emoji).

During the rose ceremony Caelynn and Demi hold hands for some reason, even though they both have roses already. Hannah G, Heather, Kirpa (I still don’t know what she sound like), Hannah B., Katie (I couldn’t have picked her out of the line-up and she’s on my team), Elyse, Sydney, Cassie, Nicole, Onyeka get roses.

Ending the drama between Courtney and Demi once and for all. Demi has this terrible smirk on her face and blows Courtney kisses goodbye. She’s really proving Courtney wrong about her not having much class…

Courtney and Tracy get sent home. Ousting the last of the Dregs of the season. Neither one cry. Neither do I. The credits let us know that maybe Hannah B is smarter than I thought for being discerning about her food choices as Onyeka barfs in a dumpster.

The teams are looking pretty good. I suck at drafting. But not as bad as Kelly and Phil this year (it’s like they’ve been busy with other things?!). I will cherish that 1 point lead I have on them until I don’t have it anymore (so, probably until next week). Not surprisingly Paul and Julia have the lead. Followed closely by Eric and his team of double-ups. He got lucky with his double ups - besides Caelynn those two contestants have the most points of anyone.

I tried harder this week to make sure the points were right, but as always verify for yourself if you care about that kind of thing.  And, looking ahead, I will need guest bloggers for the Feb 11th and March 4th. Feb 25th might be (more of) a bullet point blog, unless someone wants to take that too. Thanks! :)

Episode 3

Welcome back for another episode of The Bachelor. It starts with the group date card and Chris offering some lovely insight of “There will be highs and there will be lows, that’s love”. Deep.

The group date will include: Katie, Heather, Hannah B, Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelynn. “I’m looking for life’s greatest treasure.” This requires everyone to wear workout clothes.

They go to a theater? With a pirate ship inside? With Colton’s shirt unbuttoned? Which is sexy? Demi doesn’t want to be a “yo-ho-ho.” She wants to steal his heart, like a real pirate. The girls beat each other with foam sticks, unleashing the “Hannah Monster.” Although the real monster is the drama between Hannah and Caelynn. Just fight and get it over with already. Of course, Caelynn “saves” Colton (from the pirates?) and Hannah’s insecurities spiral out of control.

At the cocktail party, Colton toasts to “personality.”  I find it funny that three dates in and he’s just now appreciating their personalities.

Colton and Katie seem to have a good thing going. Did you know that Colton met a few girls on Ellen? There’s been a few references. Katie and Colton mention it.

Demi blindfolds him and then spanks him with a paddle. Is this sexy? And then plays the “Are you nervous?” game with a fake hand. She came prepared with props. She must have been carrying one hell of a handbag.

Caelynn and Colton confront their awkwardness and kiss while Hannah B and Heather whisper about how she’s not being her “true self.” Hannah B sat down to finally spill the beans about Caelynn and used the word “like” 14 times in the first sentence. “Well I think I, like, need to talk to you about something that I don’t want to… I just, like, have something, like, on my mind and, like, I feel like it’s, like, bothering me in a way and I just need to, like, tell you.” She tells him. And basically says that she and Caelynn are so different that he couldn’t possibly have feelings for them both. Colton offers her a pitiful peck leaving Hannah to exclaim “He friggin’ hates me.”

He immediately confronts Caelynn, who refreshingly can complete a full sentence. Caelynn cries and receives the group date rose. Hannah begins to realize that she made a poor choice, and cries.

Elyse gets the one on one - “Love is in the air.” Cassie is worried about not getting time. I think she’ll be fine. Kimmel chose her to win it all, so she’s probably good for a while.

Elyse is “stinkin’ excited” for her 1 on 1 and her first helicopter ride. They fly to San Diego. She reminds us that he’s 6 years younger. They go to Belmont Park. They get the whole park to themselves except for the gaggle of children that they invited. The little girls offer dating advice to Colton like, “get her cotton candy.” Solid. His charity gets sick kids out of the hospital so that they can be a kid for a little while. This makes me cry a little, so Elyse must be melting inside. They make out at the top of a roller coaster. I’ve ridden that roller coaster many times. I did not get kissed though.

Elyse shares that her sister was an L&D nurse and got pregnant and cancer at the same time. She died. That’s heartbreaking and terrifying. Now she has a non-profit in her honor. And Elyse got a rose and a free concert. She tells the camera that she is falling in love.

The next group date is: Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, and Caitlin - “For every strong man there is an even stronger woman.”  This group date starts with some fantastic shirtless shots of Colton working out. Nicole’s idea of athleticism is walking her dog. Terry and Rebecca Crews work the girls out. Of course Catherine is a black belt. Sydney-the-dancer highlights her strong suit by letting Colton stretch her out “He’s not a stretching virgin anymore, that’s for sure.” The girls have to move a 100lb sled through some dirt, which seems tough since some of these girls are barely 100 lbs themselves. Sydney, Catherine and Onyeka - the 3 sporty girls are the 3 finalists, but Onyeka creams them.

Colton lists the reasons why he likes all of the girls. Caitlin did not make that list. So he sends her home. She cries. Nicole gets the group date rose.

In lieu of a cocktail party they have a pool party instead. Demi loves this. Colton dumps some girls off the floating swan and one is with it enough to save her wine. Some of the others are not. Is wine good for pool filters?

“There is a beautiful monster inside of me and I’m gunna have to let it out,” Hannah B says to Heather when talking about Caelynn. Heather is an instigator and perpetuates Hannah’s insecurities about Caelynn. Colton doesn’t understand girl fights. “Well, you’re saying she’s deceitful, she’s saying you’re deceitful and I’m just going round and round.” Yup, that’s how girl fights work.

The rose ceremony roses go to: Hannah G, Tayshia, Katie, Cassie, Kirpa, Sydney, Demi, Tracy, Courtney, Heather, Onyeka, Hannah B (producer pick to maximize the drama?), sending the disappointing “villain” Catherine on a very quiet exit, Nina, and goose-egg Bri home. Hannah B cries again.

Season Premiere and Episode 2

You Guys! It’s back! and LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!! Apparently, per ABC (who has no reason to be bias), The Bachelor is America’s most talked about TV show. Now, in the age of Trump fake news is running rampant. Originally when I watched this I was going to make a joke about how I’ve never talked about this show with anyone who isn’t directly involved in this draft, but then I got really excited when I talked about it to a girl I work with. So maybe it’s not fake news.

ANYWAY. The season premiere starts with Colton showering. We will become very familiar with this scene as the season progresses, I predict. Colton seems to have very good (and well documented) personal hygiene. I fast-forward through the watch party bits. Ain’t no one got time for that. The girls trickle out in their usual fashion, trying their best not to slip on the perm-a-wet driveway. 

The vignettes foreshadow the main players of the season:

~ Cassie - from Huntington Beach. A Speech Therapist and in grad school (although is she in grad school for SLP or is she getting a second degree?) I looked into Speech therapy school briefly. It’s very competitive, at least at CU. She wears a faulty rash guard that doesn’t cover her boobies. I think that defeats its purpose. 

~ Alabama Hannah- in fact, “Miss Alabama” who, I guess, is very sad because the Crimson Tide was “shockingly beat down” per my husband. 

~ Katie loves dancing but she wants stability. She is very fit, as evidenced by her vignette in which she works out the entire time

~ Heather from Cali has somehow never been kissed. Maybe because she’s “always on the water”

~ Onyekachukwu Ehie from TX (her parents are from Nigeria) can be loud and obnoxious and is self proclaimed “a lot to handle” 

~ Nicole from Miami isn’t about hook ups and wants the real deal. She is family focused - her bro is autistic and is part of her package deal.

~ Kirpa from Cali is a dentist. The annoying kind that talks to you while she cleans your teeth. She also likes her family.

~ Demi from TX has never been in a serious relationship. Her mom is in prison for embezzling. Oops. But she gets out soon. Maybe we’ll get to see the family reunion.

Watching those vignettes made Colton sweaty so he showers again. In slow motion this time and then he works out, which doesn’t make sense to me. Probably so he shower again. With pants on. 

We are an hour in and Colton finally gets to meet a girl. 30 of them, in fact. If you care, here are my first impressions:

Demi in a banana yellow dress hasn’t dated a virgin since she was 12 (?!)

Tayshia - a phlebotomist. They both have a heart for kids

Heather is a bit ditzy and wears a red dress

Nicole from Miami speaks Spanish to him

Caelynn - Miss N. Carolina is wearing her sash that turns into a Mrs Underwood sash. Clever.

Sydney - NBA dancer

Elyse - from Alaska. The first Alaskan? I said she looked old, but she was 31, so now I feel like shit

Tahzjuan from Colorado

Cassie has fake butterflies. Literally. 

Kirpa

Caitlin pops his cherry

Courtney is a sweet Georgia peach

Katie takes his V-Card

Alex from Boston is very dedicated to her sloth act. But never showed her face

Onyeka

Erika McNut brought nuts. A way to a mans heart is through his stomach

Hannah - roll tide. She did not wear her sash

Tracy shows up in a cop car as the “fashion police”

Angelique has sparkles just like everyone else

Devin from OR

Revian a nurse from Santa Monica, speaks Mandarin

Nina - speaks Croatian

Alex - was sick but she had signs

Bri - a model that looks like Ali McBeal. Australian - fake!

Laura from Dallas is wearing the same dress as another girl

Hannah G from Alabama - got him his favorite brand of underwear har har

Jane photoshopped their dogs together

Catherine - is set up to be the villain shows up with her dog and leaves it with him. Botox.

Erin shows up in a cinderella carriage and her profession is Cinderella? 

The night starts with Banana Yellow dress Demi taking him first. Of course, all the women who have never seen the show are surprised at how quickly that happens. But she’s a cat person. Colton lives in Denver - a dog town. This isn’t going anywhere. But she’s convinced he likes her already. Did she not realize there are 29 other women?

Miss N. Carolina (from Virginia?) earns the first kiss. Miss Alabama is not going to be pleased. Katie also earned a kiss. 

The villain, Catherine, is convinced that she is the only one with substance. And by substance she obviously means "botox". But she gets interrupted and immediately steals him back. Twice. Nay, Thrice. Which obviously causes insane drama. Like you’ve never seen before..?

He had some good interactions with a number of women but Hannah G in the gold-dress gets the first impression rose. As the sun rises, the other roses go to Caelynn, Katie, Alex B, Hannah B, Onyeka, Caitlyn, Annie, Kirpa, Heather, Elise, Tayshia, Courtney, Cassie, Demi, Nina, Erika, Sydney, Bri, Angelique, Tracy, Nicole, and Catherine.

EPISODE 1

We start with Colton in bed, with fresh wake-up voice, feeling ready for the season. I wonder, is this the very next day or do they get a day to recover? I am no longer at an age where I can pull all nighters and function the next day. And despite what Demi thinks, I am not that much older than these girls. 

Regardless, the group date is:  Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G, Nicole, Onyeka and Catherine. They go to a theater and a famous couple instructed them on how to tell stories of “firsts”. 

- Colton’s first of course involves him being a virgin. I wonder what he’s going to talk about once he’s not a virgin anymore. But it was a good speech, I guess.

- Elyse talked about her first time dating a younger man. Demi started her agist rhetoric. 

- Hannah G read from her book, I’m not sure what she said. Something about a rose. 

- Demi kisses Colton and says “and thats how I got the first group date rose”. For sure a villain in the making.

At the cocktail party Elyse mentions that there’s a cougar den in the house where all the “older” women sleep. Colton seemed to like it. He seems like he’d be into a more “mature” woman.

Nicole tried to snag the group date rose with her heartfelt story of her autistic brother. It didn’t work. Instead Elyse got the group date rose, which baffled Demi.

The 1 on 1 goes to Hannah B - Colton didn’t know it was her birthday, but the producers did. They drive a cool orange jeep to Vasquez Rocks to rides horses. Hannah from Alabama has never ridden a horse before. “Is this Arizona-ish?” she wonders. Tom isn’t sure what that means. Colton delivers a decent toast but Wow. Easily the worst toast ever from Hannah. It’s not that hard, girl… “lets toast to you/to us/to the future/to this beautiful day” but no, she just smiles and giggles and makes women everywhere feel sad about this misrepresentation of female intelligence. Colton segues to the hot tub thinking, “well, if I can’t enjoy the conversation I might as well enjoy the scenery.” The poor guy all but begs her to relax. Tom and I wonder if Colton is bold enough to send a girl packing on her birthday. 

A flash back to the house reveals the drama bubbling beneath the surface between Hannah B and Caelynn from their beauty queen days. Which will at least earn her a few more episodes from the producers until that drama plays out.

Hannah is way too smiley for as terrible as this date is going. He breaks through to her a little bit by saying that she doesn’t have to be perfect. Pretty good insight on his part, I’d say. I think she saved herself by opening up a little, but Tom doesn’t think she’ll go deep. Hard to tell if she is actively crying as she talks about how special he is. I will not award a point - feel free to rebut.

Moving on to the next group date he takes Alex B, Erika, Katie, Caelynn, Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Caitlin, Courtney , Cassie and Heather to summer camp for a “good ol’ time”. Then Billy Ikner shows up and wonders if Colton is the first gay bachelor perpetuating the stereotype that men have to screw a lot of women to prove their man-hood. The red team wins earning them an over night camp experience with Colton. 

Some making out happens while some other girls dish in the cabins. Heather tells Colton that she’s never kissed anyone - and go figure - he’s not bothered by it. However, there is a moment where there could have been a kiss but wasn’t and now he’ll second guess kissing her in the future. Also, they are setting it up where she could have her first kiss on National Television. Terrible idea, don’t you think? Heather gets 2 points for declaring her virginity to Colton.

Caelynn shares that she had encephalitis as a kid and it endeared her to Colton because of the whole soft-spot-for-sick-kids thing. But, Heather gets the rose. Virgin alliance formed.

Before the cock-tail party Colton showers again. If he’s not careful he’ll get all pruny from showering too much. 

Demi flaunts her age again, forgetting that she too is aging as she speaks. 

Coltons motto when he talks to Sydney: “if you didn’t cheat, you didn’t try” hopefully this doesn’t flow over to his romantic relationships.

Onyeka uses an air horn. A bit loud. A bit obnoxious. Just as advertised. But Sydney responds with an adult temper tantrum. I fear Sydney’s days are numbered from this display of immaturity. I drafted her way too high. Drats. 

Demi takes a page from Jordan’s play book and comes to a cocktail party in a bathrobe and interrupts Tracy (who is now seething) and leads him upstairs to her “fantasy closet”. Tracy cries in her room and Demi at least attempts to comforts her. Although obviously disingenuous. 

The rose ceremony includes: Tayshia, Cassie, Caelynn, Courtney, Demi, Nicole, Kirpa, Hannah G, Catherine, Bri, Sydney, Onyeka, Katie, Kayla, Nina, and Tracy. Sending Alex B, Angelique, some blonde chick (Erika), and Annie (even though she’s wearing a pretty dress) home.

Julia and Paul already get the last team standing bonus points. Toms assessment:

Eric is dead. Best team is probably Andrea and Zack. Julia and Paul are way too reliant on Tayshia. Bri and Doug might be good. Kelly and Phil might be good. He thinks my team sucks. Neat.

I would like some clarification on the points. We have listed that "winning the group date" is 2 points. I'm not really sure what this means. I think this should be changed to "getting the group date rose." You wouldn't also get points for getting a rose, but there would be some benefit to winning the rose on the group date. What do y'all think? 

I'll update the points soon. But in my initial run through am I seeing that he sent two girls home without so much as a date? Rude! Angelique and Annie never had a shot.

Points update: 
Many thanks to Doug for this masterpiece of a spreadsheet. As Eric predicted, he is in first place. I'm sorry you will only be able to enjoy it for 10 short hours until the next episode airs. These points do not include J&P last team standing bonus, I'll add that in next week.