Episode 3

Welcome back for another episode of The Bachelor. It starts with the group date card and Chris offering some lovely insight of “There will be highs and there will be lows, that’s love”. Deep.

The group date will include: Katie, Heather, Hannah B, Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelynn. “I’m looking for life’s greatest treasure.” This requires everyone to wear workout clothes.

They go to a theater? With a pirate ship inside? With Colton’s shirt unbuttoned? Which is sexy? Demi doesn’t want to be a “yo-ho-ho.” She wants to steal his heart, like a real pirate. The girls beat each other with foam sticks, unleashing the “Hannah Monster.” Although the real monster is the drama between Hannah and Caelynn. Just fight and get it over with already. Of course, Caelynn “saves” Colton (from the pirates?) and Hannah’s insecurities spiral out of control.

At the cocktail party, Colton toasts to “personality.”  I find it funny that three dates in and he’s just now appreciating their personalities.

Colton and Katie seem to have a good thing going. Did you know that Colton met a few girls on Ellen? There’s been a few references. Katie and Colton mention it.

Demi blindfolds him and then spanks him with a paddle. Is this sexy? And then plays the “Are you nervous?” game with a fake hand. She came prepared with props. She must have been carrying one hell of a handbag.

Caelynn and Colton confront their awkwardness and kiss while Hannah B and Heather whisper about how she’s not being her “true self.” Hannah B sat down to finally spill the beans about Caelynn and used the word “like” 14 times in the first sentence. “Well I think I, like, need to talk to you about something that I don’t want to… I just, like, have something, like, on my mind and, like, I feel like it’s, like, bothering me in a way and I just need to, like, tell you.” She tells him. And basically says that she and Caelynn are so different that he couldn’t possibly have feelings for them both. Colton offers her a pitiful peck leaving Hannah to exclaim “He friggin’ hates me.”

He immediately confronts Caelynn, who refreshingly can complete a full sentence. Caelynn cries and receives the group date rose. Hannah begins to realize that she made a poor choice, and cries.

Elyse gets the one on one - “Love is in the air.” Cassie is worried about not getting time. I think she’ll be fine. Kimmel chose her to win it all, so she’s probably good for a while.

Elyse is “stinkin’ excited” for her 1 on 1 and her first helicopter ride. They fly to San Diego. She reminds us that he’s 6 years younger. They go to Belmont Park. They get the whole park to themselves except for the gaggle of children that they invited. The little girls offer dating advice to Colton like, “get her cotton candy.” Solid. His charity gets sick kids out of the hospital so that they can be a kid for a little while. This makes me cry a little, so Elyse must be melting inside. They make out at the top of a roller coaster. I’ve ridden that roller coaster many times. I did not get kissed though.

Elyse shares that her sister was an L&D nurse and got pregnant and cancer at the same time. She died. That’s heartbreaking and terrifying. Now she has a non-profit in her honor. And Elyse got a rose and a free concert. She tells the camera that she is falling in love.

The next group date is: Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, and Caitlin - “For every strong man there is an even stronger woman.”  This group date starts with some fantastic shirtless shots of Colton working out. Nicole’s idea of athleticism is walking her dog. Terry and Rebecca Crews work the girls out. Of course Catherine is a black belt. Sydney-the-dancer highlights her strong suit by letting Colton stretch her out “He’s not a stretching virgin anymore, that’s for sure.” The girls have to move a 100lb sled through some dirt, which seems tough since some of these girls are barely 100 lbs themselves. Sydney, Catherine and Onyeka - the 3 sporty girls are the 3 finalists, but Onyeka creams them.

Colton lists the reasons why he likes all of the girls. Caitlin did not make that list. So he sends her home. She cries. Nicole gets the group date rose.

In lieu of a cocktail party they have a pool party instead. Demi loves this. Colton dumps some girls off the floating swan and one is with it enough to save her wine. Some of the others are not. Is wine good for pool filters?

“There is a beautiful monster inside of me and I’m gunna have to let it out,” Hannah B says to Heather when talking about Caelynn. Heather is an instigator and perpetuates Hannah’s insecurities about Caelynn. Colton doesn’t understand girl fights. “Well, you’re saying she’s deceitful, she’s saying you’re deceitful and I’m just going round and round.” Yup, that’s how girl fights work.

The rose ceremony roses go to: Hannah G, Tayshia, Katie, Cassie, Kirpa, Sydney, Demi, Tracy, Courtney, Heather, Onyeka, Hannah B (producer pick to maximize the drama?), sending the disappointing “villain” Catherine on a very quiet exit, Nina, and goose-egg Bri home. Hannah B cries again.