Episode 9

Synopsis

In Bali, Chris and Kaitlyn put some baskets on their heads and hung out with monkeys. One of them peed on Chris. The rest of their date was boring, so boring I started entering daily fantasy golf lineups. Melissa sarcastically asked if I wanted her to pause it since I was multitasking. They ate dinner next to a pool and Kaitlyn admitted she was feeling vulnerable. Then they went to the fantasy suite where there was a bathtub full of roses. Kaitlyn told the farmer she was “completely falling in love” with him and he said he was falling in love with her too.

Chris and Whitney drank champagne on a boat and made out and talked about Whitney’s sister. They jumped into the ocean and made out more, then got back into the boat and made out more. “I am very confident that I am going to marry Chris,” Whitney said. “I am very confident that I am going to marry you,” Melissa said to me.

They had dinner. Whitney wore a pukey-green dress and Chris ripped on his hometown. Whitney started talking about Arlington and Chris took a huge gulp of whiskey. Whitney said Arlington wouldn’t be her top choice to live in but it didn’t matter because her new job would be making babies. Chris told the cameras he was falling in love with Whitney and they went to the fantasy suite. “I feel like after the conversation tonight our relationship did get deeper and stronger,” Whitney said. “That’s not the only thing that’s gonna get deeper and stronger,” Melissa said.

Becca joined the Bali mix. She and Chris went to a temple where a rotund fortune teller/monk told them to make love that night. They ate dinner at a familiar-looking resort and like a broken record Chris told Becca that he was falling in love with her. Becca eventually reciprocated, then finally told Chris she was a virgin. The farmer raised his eyebrows, sighed, muttered, stammered and said it was NBD. Becca was relieved and they spent the night in the fantasy suite.

The farmer cried about the tough decision he had to make in getting rid of one of the girls. An urgently-needed Chris Harrison arrived to counsel him but wasn’t able to provide much clarity. The two Chrises went to a temple where the ladies were standing in a courtyard wearing neon robes. The farmer took Becca aside right before the rose ceremony to talk about their feelings. Becca made a repetitive speech. Bailey snored loudly. “She doesn’t move her mouth very much when she talks,” Melissa noted. They walked back into the temple courtyard hand-in-hand. “Oh shoot!” Kaitlyn exclaimed. Whitney furrowed her brow.

Chris axed Kaitlyn, who couldn’t look him in the eye. “What happened?” she asked in shock and started crying. Chris admitted he didn’t know what he was doing, a rooster crowed and Melissa complimented Kaitlyn for not smearing mascara on the farmer’s white robe while she was crying. Kaitlyn got into an SUV and said it was “the most humiliating experience of my entire life” while the farmer wept and the godforsaken rooster continued to crow.

Standings

Andie & Eric: 66.5 points
1. Jade: 18
2. Whitney: 31
3. Mackenzie: 9
4. Juelia: 7 
+1.5 last team standing bonus (tie)
Whitney has slowly, quietly, squeakily developed into a juggernaut. She started without fanfare, but flipped the script with her ambitious wedding crash. It was obvious the farmer came away from that date stunned and impressed, and she hasn't slowed down from there. Whitney is the favorite.

Kelly & Phil: 41 points
1. Becca: 26
2. Megan: 10
3. Trina: 2
4. Amber: 3
Becca made a huge save to close out the penultimate episode. It was obvious Chris was debating between Becca and Kaitlyn and needed one last conversation with Becca to clear something up. It was bizarre that they needed to iron something out after having just spent a night with no cameras together. You would think they had plenty of time to talk about it.

Julia & Paul: 34 points

1. Kelsey: 12

2. Tandra: 1

3. Carly: 14

4. Ashley S: 7
The fantasy suite episode is the most important episode of the season, though it's impossible for the audience to see why the Bachelor(ettes) make their final decisions. It's the only opportunity for them to make legitimate evaluations with privacy finally intact. They can weed it down to three before fantasy suites, but might not really ever know for sure until the morning after.

Andrea & Zack: 34 points

1. Kaitlyn: 29

2. Tracy: 3

3. Jordan: 1

4. Tara: 1
Poor Kaitlyn. It seemed like she played defense for 95% of the show and got punished the moment she finally developed legitimate feelings. She'll soon realize her destiny was never to crank out Iowan babies, it was either to be the next Bachelorette or to form a devastating man-eating duo with Sharleen. She'll be fine. Sharleen agrees.

Bri & Doug: 25.5 points

1. Ashley I: 14

2. Samantha: 6

3. Nikki: 4
+1.5 last team standing bonus (tie)

Melissa & Tom: 25 points

1. Britt: 17

2. Alissa: 1

3. Jillian: 4

4. Kimberly: 1

Could Becca flip the pool with a stunning defeat of Whitney and subsequent rejection of a marriage proposal from Chris? Vegas has it at 15:1. This pool isn't quite over yet, due to a clever wrinkle we wrote into the rulebook before the last draft.

Episode 8

Synopsis

Becca and Chris hung out in a loft in Des Moines. “Opening up is not my strong suit,” Becca said and Andrea made a virgin joke. Becca fingered the farmer’s forearm and talked about a 4-year relationship which somehow wasn’t consummated. Then they made out in front of a sunset and Andrea and Melissa made fun of Becca’s hair. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Britt cried and said she had packed her bags and was going home the next morning. Carly made funny faces and wrapped her hair around her eyes and told Britt she wasn’t buying it.

Chris Harrison told the girls there would be no cocktail party, just a rose ceremony. Britt interrupted the farmer’s rose ceremony intro and took him aside for a private conversation. The other girls didn’t like it. “I’m gonna throw up. I am so nauseous right now,” Carly said. The farmer told Britt the other girls had accused her of being fake and that he didn’t like her reaction to Iowa and that she was off the show and suddenly she was outside weeping hysterically. “Wait, so what was that?” Melissa asked. “Did she leave on her own accord?” “It’s not going to factor into a winner,” Bag said dismissively. “We just don’t want to get last,” Melissa explained. We decided to give Britt no plus or minus points, kind of like the night before when Megan left.

They had a rose ceremony anyways and the farmer predictably offed Carly. Jade cried and Carly sobbed in the limo about how no guys ever want her. “There’s thousands of creepers on Instagram who will want her,” Zack said, while Andrea said she felt bad and that she’d befriend Carly on Twitter.

The farmer went to Shreveport, Louisiana with Becca. “Shreveport, what a shithole,” Zack said. “That’s where your mommy’s from!” Andrea exclaimed. Zack made fun of Shreveport some more while Becca and Chris hung out in a swamp. Melissa announced she’d once dated a guy from Shreveport, which I was unaware of. They (Becca and Chris, not Melissa and the guy from Shreveport) went to Becca’s parents house where Becca’s sister told the farmer that Becca was unaffectionate. Becca’s mom said she’d never seen her daughter hold hands with a guy before. Becca’s sister referred to Becca’s “sugar donut” in regards to the fantasy suite while some scary piano music played. Then Becca and Chris went to the State Fair to ride a ferris wheel and Andrea complained that Zack never took her to ride one and Andrea and Melissa speculated that Becca might lose her virginity up on the wheel, but they just made out (Becca and Chris, not Andrea and Melissa).

“Today is a day that is going to go down in history in terms of my life,” Whitney squeaked before welcoming Chris to her hometown of Chicago. They went to Whitney’s fertility center and she showed him how to make babies with syringes. “I make corn,” the farmer said, then said “I can’t imagine what it might be like to make babies,” even though Whitney had just showed him.

Then they gave the farmer some porno magazines and told him to whack off into a cup. Melissa speculated that maybe that was how he would find out that Jade had posed in Playboy. It turned out to be a joke and they went to see Whitney’s “family” though she has no parents. Whitney’s uncle was cool but her sister decided to be difficult, making Whitney cry. Whitney then broke out a special bottle of wine meant only for the man she was going to marry and told the farmer she loved him as her voice reached an octave only audible to dogs.

Kaitlyn the Canadian took Chris to a warehouse parking lot in Arizona. The warehouse turned out to be a recording studio where they wrote and recorded a rap song. The farmer turned out to be pretty good at rhymes – he dropped em like Zack drops limes when he’s making Margaritas that are dimes, though he tripped over his words a few times.

They had dinner with Kaitlyn’s divorced parents, their new spouses, and Kaitlyn’s sister. It went well and Kaitlyn looked like she was going to cry. “Get there!” Bag encouraged. “Squeeze one out!” Andrea yelled. But Kaitlyn didn’t. Instead she showed him a billboard that said Kaitlyn [heart sign] Chris which Zack tried to claim was the same as her saying “I love you” to the Bachelor so they should get 3 points. No.

Next the farmer went to Jade’s hometown, some unknown farming town in Nebraska that was five times bigger, prettier, and more open than his unknown farming town in Iowa. Jade couldn’t stop stressing about telling Chris about her nude photos. Chris talked to Jade’s dad and brothers while ominous string-synth music played. Cosmo came over and demanded that Melissa pet her. “Cosmo has a deep dark secret,” Andrea said. “He’s a virgin.”

Jade shed a couple tears while talking to her dad “Laren” who also started crying. “Laren gets a point,” Zack chimed. Jade told the cameras for a 16^th and 17^th time how nervous she was to tell Chris about posing for Playboy. Melissa compared her to Lyla Garrity and Andrea noted the pink throw on the couch Jade was sitting on. Jade finally told Chris about posing for Playboy while some rather scary wind-synth music played. Then she offered to show the farmer some of the photos. “This is about you,” he said. “If it makes you feel more comfortable…” Jade got a laptop and they looked at naked pictures and videos of her on the internet. Zack and I discussed how we had seen the pictures but not the video. The farmer said it was NBD and Jade sighed in relief. “I’ve been waiting to see Jade out of her shell, and I saw her out of her shell,” Chris said. “And her clothes,” Melissa added.

At the rose ceremony, the farmer announced it was “the toughest night I have had in my entire life” and then stunned our living room by voting Jade out. She cried and got into a limo while Melissa talked about her side-boob. The farmer cried quite a bit too and said it “could be the biggest mistake of my entire life.”


Standings

Andie & Eric: 58.5 points
1. Jade: 18
2. Whitney: 23
3. Mackenzie: 9
4. Juelia: 7 
+1.5 last team standing bonus (tie)
I was shocked to see Jade go before Kaitlyn, as I thought she checked all the farmer's boxes. Her elimination won't have an effect on the pool, as Whitney is a point-earning juggernaut. She racked up 12 points this week, eight on Monday night with a tour-de-force of dating, crying, hometowns, roses and I-love-yous. Personally I think she could do better than the Monsanto farmer.

Julia & Paul: 34 points

1. Kelsey: 12

2. Tandra: 1

3. Carly: 14

4. Ashley S: 7
Did anyone else grow weary of Carly's self-pity? Based on looks, she's probably in the top 10% of single women, yet is convinced that men don't want her. Carly needs to take a one-week spin on OKCupid to pump up her self-esteem.

Kelly & Phil: 33 points
1. Becca: 18
2. Megan: 10
3. Trina: 2
4. Amber: 3
Becca's night in the fantasy suite will likely be an overblown storyline. She and Chris will probably talk for about eight hours, cuddle for one and fall asleep next to each other with their clothes on - just like most normal people who barely know each other yet are considering getting married would. Speaking of the fantasy suite - I thought the show usually ended on the fantasy suite episode...am I remembering wrong? I just want this to be over already. I can't believe there might be 4+ more hours to plow through.

Andrea & Zack: 26 points

1. Kaitlyn: 21

2. Tracy: 3

3. Jordan: 1

4. Tara: 1
Much was made of Britt's impossible transition to Arlington Iowa, but I can't see Kaitlyn pulling it off either. She's just too cool and too social to lock it down with the farmer at this point. She remains the darkhorse pick to say no to the farmer's marriage proposal and upset A&E.

Bri & Doug: 25.5 points

1. Ashley I: 14

2. Samantha: 6

3. Nikki: 4
+1.5 last team standing bonus (tie)

I would love to talk a bunch of trash about DouBri's joke of a team, but

Melissa & Tom: 25 points

1. Britt: 17

2. Alissa: 1

3. Jillian: 4

4. Kimberly: 1
Our team of four somehow scored less than DouBri's pitiful duo of Ashley Kardashian and Samikki, so I'll keep my mouth shut until their bi-annual Survivor stinkbomb.  

The Farmer Tells All/Episode 7

Synopsis

Kelsey, who had been “stranded in the desert” according to Chris Harrison, came on the show. They rehashed her performance on the show, including her panic attack and battle royale with Ashley. They juxtaposed her saying super-nice fake-sounding comments about Ashley with her saying super-mean things about Ashley in the Badlands.

The farmer came on and talked with Harrison about his double-execution in the Badlands. Harrison justified ABC putting a crazy person on the show (Ashley S) by showing a few seconds of her acting sanely in an audition tape. Then Harrison asked the farmer about allowing the two drunks to come back on the show. “I’m a caring person, and fell for her,” the farmer explained regarding Jordan. Then they showed Jillian saying horrifying things while the farmer described her exit as a result of “chemistry.” Then they showed some highlights of when Jimmy Kimmel came on the show and when Andrea the love guru came on the show and when Becca rode donkeys and some of the times Chris made out with Britt. Bailey groaned and readjusted his snuggle.

Then Andi the ex-Bachelorette came on the show to talk about breaking up with Josh. She actually began the interview by crying. “I guess you could say…it’s been a tough month,” Andi stammered through tears. “We had struggled for a while…I knew I had found the one...knowing what we felt for one another probably makes it that much harder not being together now,” she wept.

“Are you still in love with Josh?” Harrison needled. “So sad,” Melissa said. “I never loved anybody like that in my life,” Andi said. “That was my first true love, without a doubt.” Harrison wouldn’t let up. “Are you guys still talking at all?” he inquired. “It’s not a healthy place right now,” Andi said. “What’s next?” Harrison asked. “Where do you go from here?” “Nick V,” Melissa said. “They’re setting it up for her to be the Bachelorette again,” I hypothesized. Bailey snored.

Finally, the actual show started. “That was kind of a train wreck,” the farmer said about his double execution in the Badlands, not realizing it applied to his “Farmer Tells All” interview. Megan asked the farmer about their relationship and he got rid of her. Whitney said she was going to cry about it but it was unclear if she did. Megan cried about it in the SUV on her way to the airport. Then Harrison jollily announced there was still going to be a rose ceremony that night. The farmer asked Harrison if he could get out of having a rose ceremony. “I don’t think I can do this,” he said. “Then what are you suggesting?” Harrison asked. “Polygamy,” Melissa said. The farmer then announced there wouldn’t be a rose ceremony and that they were going to his home in Iowa. The girls screamed for joy. “That’s the first time anyone has ever had that reaction to going to Iowa,” Melissa said.

Jade got the one-on-one date. “Huge,” Becca said. “Real huge. Real huge.” “Bigtime” Whitney’s squeaky voice added. Carly hated on Britt. The farmer was excited to talk to his cows. Jade arrived at the farmer’s house (it was an actual house, not a barn or a farmhouse) wearing some “heel boots” that Melissa disapproved of. The farmer pointed to “one of the farms” he owned and showed Jade his bedroom and his land. “It makes it more real actually seeing and experiencing it,” Jade said. Then he showed her a bunch of busto businesses. The only store that was still open sold meat.

Then they motorbiked to a high school football game and met his parents. “Unbelievably huge,” Jade said. They showed a marching band which Melissa loved and went inside the farmer’s old high school. The farmer said that “Jade had a wild side (he) really wanted to see” not knowing that wild side was Playboy magazine. Then they made out against a bank of lockers. “It’s not like English class at all. It’s more like French,” the farmer punned. Bailey snored louder.

Whitney and the farmer went to a photo gallery in Des Moines and then took pictures and kissed a lot around the city. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Jade described her date which made Britt cry. Carly sensibly suggested they head into town and check it out so they did. Arlington was small and everything was closed.  Carly saw a picture of Jesus and interpreted it as a sign things were going well.

Whitney and her squeaky voice met three of the farmer’s friends at a loud bar. “That’s huge,” she said, then proceeded to win them over. Carly hated on Britt. The farmer told his friends to take a hike so he could make out with Whitney and talk to her about having no parents. The farmer showed Whitney a mural the town had made of them and Whitney said she was going to cry but again it was unclear if she did. “This is the most amazing moment of my entire life,” she said.

Jade told Carly she’d modeled nude for Playboy. “Really???” Carly asked, shocked. Then she, Britt and Kaitlyn went ice skating with the farmer in an arena. Britt was pretty bad. Carly was decent. Kaitlyn the Canadian was only OK. The farmer fell down several times. Carly hated on Britt and talked behind her back. They left the hockey rink and went to a well-lit living room/bar. “Des Moines seems cool,” Melissa said, completely serious. Britt convinced the farmer she actually liked Iowa while Carly hated on her. Kaitlyn was cool and mature about it as usual so the farmer gave her the date rose. Britt cracked her knuckles in disgust while a siren blared and then she complained for like two minutes about how hurt she was. The farmer beat a hasty retreat. Britt kept whining and Carly kept hating. “If anyone should be worried here, it’s Carly Waddell,” Carly said. Then Britt cried some more. 

Standings

Andie & Eric: 44.5 points
1. Jade: 12
2. Whitney: 15
3. Mackenzie: 9
4. Juelia: 7 
+1.5 last team standing bonus (tie)
With their two stalwarts scoring seven points (I gave Whitney one point for crying when it was unclear if it should be 0, 1, or 2) last episode and both squaring away hometowns, the juggernauts only got stronger. The only way any team could beat A&E now is if someone rejected Chris's marriage proposal at the end. This has been the most dominant performance in the history of our pool.  

Julia & Paul: 33 points

1. Kelsey: 12

2. Tandra: 1

3. Carly: 13

4. Ashley S: 7
This team should be officially eliminated within the next 24 hours. Their final score will appear respectable but no one on this team ever had a shot.

Kelly & Phil: 28 points
1. Becca: 13
2. Megan: 10
3. Trina: 2
4. Amber: 3
I didn't give Megan plus or minus points since her exit was somewhere between "on one's own accord" and "involuntarily." Becca somehow went through three hours of Bachelor programming without scoring a point. We know she's going at least as far as the fantasy suite, so K&P can pin their hopes on her rejecting a marriage proposal. That doesn't appear likely.

Bri & Doug: 25.5 points

1. Ashley I: 14

2. Samantha: 6

3. Nikki: 4
+1.5 last team standing bonus (tie)

Bri & Doug are shifting their attention towards the Survivor premiere on Feb 25. It's been a while since they contended for the title of that pool as well.

Melissa & Tom: 23 points

1. Britt: 17

2. Alissa: 1

3. Jillian: 4

4. Kimberly: 1
It looks like Chris is going to attribute Carly's dissing on Britt as desperation rather than legitimate concern for him. Britt is looking more like she wants this than doesn't want it and we know Chris likes her. This team isn't drawing dead just yet.

Andrea & Zack: 21 points

1. Kaitlyn: 16

2. Tracy: 3

3. Jordan: 1

4. Tara: 1
Kaitlyn is going on a hometown date Monday night, but that's only worth 3 points in the pool this season. A rose would secure her invitation to the fantasy suite, which would be enough for A to Z to avoid a basement finish a season after winning the pool on the back of Josh "Heartbreaker" Murray. 

Episode 6

Synopsis

“We already gave Kelsey points for crying, right?” I asked Melissa as the episode opened with her bawling uncontrollably on the floor (Kelsey, not Melissa). Somehow Kelsey was able to make a joke about brownies in between breaths into an oxygen mask. The Australian medic from Survivor came to help her, then the farmer came in and gave her a hug next to a drinking fountain.

They had a delayed rose ceremony. Ashley I cried but got a rose. Mackenzie cried but didn’t get a rose. Some new girl named Samantha who hadn’t been on before showed up and was immediately ousted. “This decision is just so hard,” the farmer said. “I have no idea…” “Who you are,” Melissa finished.

The farmer shaved his neck and slowly put on a shirt and flew on a plane. Melissa actually noticed he flew to DIA but they edited it to make it seem like he flew to Deadwood, South Dakota even though there probably isn’t an airport in any Dakota. After the third sprawling commercial break of the show’s first 24 minutes the farmer took Becca horseback riding.

Meanwhile, back at the casino-hotel, Kelsey cried and on came the fourth commercial break of the first 33 minutes. There was a teaser for 7News at 10 featuring an interview of Jordan the drunk girl who got voted out twice. Melissa fell for it and had me DVR it.

The farmer said he wanted “4 to 6” kids but “there’s no over/under.” Becca laughed about his laugh and he gave her a rose and then they made out.

Country duo Big & Rich came to Deadwood to sing with the girls. Carly the cruise ship singer was fired up for it. Jade said she was “on the struggle bus” but either Big or Rich (whoever the old one is) ran down the street with her and fired her up. They snuck a sixth commercial break in before they drank light beers and sang. Chris was awful. Britt was OK. Whitney’s squeaky voice got by somehow. Kaitlyn couldn’t sing but sort of rapped. Carly was good. Jade survived. Chris gave Britt the date rose on stage with the band. The other girls were not happy about it. Carly cried. Kaitlyn also cried. Whitney as well.

Finally, after an eighth commercial break, came the Main Event: Crazy Kelsey vs Ashley Kardashian in a 2-on-1 date. They flew with Chris past Mount Rushmore to a bed in the Badlands. Ashley talked behind Kelsey’s back and Kelsey cried. Then Kelsey stared daggers at Ashley for a while before finally hissing “I know what you did.” Ashley started sobbing and dragged the farmer off into the Badlands while Melissa chanted “Send them both home! Send them both home!"

The farmer got rid of Ashley, who wept uncontrollably. Then he granted Melissa's wish and bounced Kelsey too, leaving her on the bed in the Badlands while he escaped in the helicopter. “And now the real reality show: two bitches battle to the death in the desert," Melissa said.

Standings

Andie & Eric: 37.5 points
1. Jade: 9
2. Whitney: 11
3. Mackenzie: 9
4. Juelia: 7 
+1.5 last team standing bonus (tie)
Seemingly a quiet episode for A&E, they continued to tighten their grips on the competition. Whitney may not win it but she's in the Bachelorette mix and should at least make hometowns. Jade is the safest bet to win the Final Rose and their adversaries are crumbling quickly. A&E are the heavy favorites to win the pool. 

Julia & Paul: 31 points

1. Kelsey: 12

2. Tandra: 1

3. Carly: 11

4. Ashley S: 7

This thoroughly unimpressive team poked a few holes in our points system. A team this uncompetitive for Final Rose should never find themselves in this good of standing...but when you think about it, this team was built on dramatic players and choosing dramatic players should be a bonus IMO. 

Kelly & Phil: 27 points
1. Becca: 13
2. Megan: 9
3. Trina: 2
4. Amber: 3
With Ashley I's elimination, we now know Becca is headed to the fantasy suite. K&P will need her to go the distance to collect their second title. Personally I don't see it - I think Chris is more entranced by Jade and Britt - but Becca is certainly a stalwart. Megan's out this week but has given K&P solid production for a second round pick/idiot.

Bri & Doug: 25.5 points

1. Ashley I: 14

2. Samantha: 6

3. Nikki: 4
+1.5 last team standing bonus (tie)

Bri & Doug's team somehow found a way to be (tied for) the last whole team standing and the first whole team eliminated. If Kaitlyn and Britt get through next week's trip to Iowa, B&D could finish in the basement. They'll blame it on only having three players but of course that helped them get the last team standing bonus. The fact is they picked Ashley I with the #1 overall pick, then picked Samikki - and those decisions will be punished. 

Melissa & Tom: 20 points

1. Britt: 14

2. Alissa: 1

3. Jillian: 4

4. Kimberly: 1

The impending visit to Arlington, Iowa has opened the door for a possible "exiting the show prematurely and involuntarily" -3 for Britt or perhaps more likely a +3 bonus for "exiting the show prematurely on one's own accord." We could use the +3 bonus - otherwise it could be a last-place finish for the MoonBee. 

Andrea & Zack: 18 points

1. Kaitlyn: 13

2. Tracy: 3

3. Jordan: 1

4. Tara: 1
As cool as Kaitlyn is, it doesn't seem like she's ready to move to northeast Iowa and pop out 4 to 6 little farmers anytime soon. She's a better bet for next Bachelorette. She also has an outside, outside shot at "Rejecting a marriage proposal from The Bachelor after the final rose ceremony" which would unthinkably give A to Z the automatic win of the pool.

Episode 5

Synopsis

Farmer Chris and the girls went to Santa Fe. Megan said Santa Fe was like “a beach resort place,” then added that she’d “never been out of the country.” It was unclear why she would mention that unless she thought New Mexico wasn’t part of the United States.

The farmer sent Carly a message that said “Let’s Come Together.” Carly said “it could be the best day of my life.” Carly and Chris hung out with a lady who burned things and meditated and chanted. She reminded me of Andrea. The lady on the show had them chant "OMMMMM" together. “We’ve never ommed together, Love,” Melissa noted. The meditation lady had the farmer put on a blindfold and had Carly rub him and smell him. Then the lady told them to take each other’s clothes off so they started to, but they didn’t like it so they stopped and instead they talked. Then they breathed into each other’s mouths. “Does someone have a tic-tac?” Melissa wondered. Then they made out.

Carly talked about a past boyfriend who didn’t think she was hot. I said that Carly was a pretty girl but the farmer was a “10” which Melissa disagreed with. I tried to talk his looks up but Melissa just said “Why don’t you sleep with him then?”

A bunch of girls went rafting on the Rio Grande River with the farmer. Megan was worried about alligators and dead bodies infesting the river. The farmer referred to it as a “gorge” even though it was flat on the sides. Jade fell out and got cold.

Jordan the drunk who had been executed a few episodes back showed up at Chris’s hotel in Santa Fe and they talked for a while and Chris let her back in the game. That pissed off the other girls.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Britt cried cause she was scared to go on a date involving heights. Apparently she is scared of water too because she hadn’t showered in weeks according to Carly.

The farmer succumbed to the pressure of the other girls and sayonared Jordan again, so A to Z didn’t get any more points – except she cried on her way out so they snuck out a point on her. Whitney got the date rose and Ashley Kardashian cried about it.

The farmer snuck into the girls hotel room very early in the morning. He couldn’t believe how good Britt looked, but Britt was wearing makeup that she “puts on before bed”, only the farmer couldn’t tell even though her lipstick was the color of pink M&Ms. They got in a hot air balloon like Melissa and I did and took a ride while the other girls complained and scary music played. Carly cried.

Kelsey went and told the farmer about her dead husband and cried and made out with him (the farmer, not the dead husband). The farmer almost started crying himself and went to talk to Chris Harrison. They decided not to have a rose ceremony and Ashley K wept again. Kelsey fell or something and cried (I was mostly sweating daily fantasy at this point) and then Ashley K started bawling again at the beginning of the preview and then she cried again at the end of the preview and then Megan said more idiotic things about New Mexico and referred to her sombrero as a thinking cap. “It’s not working very well, “ Melissa said.

Standings

Andie & Eric: 32.5 points
1. Jade: 7
2. Whitney: 9
3. Mackenzie: 8
4. Juelia: 7 
+1.5 last team standing bonus (tie)
Whitney continues to separate herself from the pack. She's classy, fun, intelligent, humble and kind. I've almost forgotten about her voice...but I haven't. Whitney's squeaky voice is her Achilles Heel.

Julia & Paul: 29 points

1. Kelsey: 11

2. Tandra: 1

3. Carly: 10

4. Ashley S: 7

Kelsey scares me. She seems grotesquely proud of being a widow and tries to flaunt it. She's currently lying on a floor, perhaps dying. Chris was sketched out about her even before this floor drama and seemingly on the verge of voting her out. But even if she goes next week, she's already racked up on 10 points on the strength of tears and the first "sneak" since we started rewarding points for it. Carly solidified her status as a top sixish sort of contender with a well-timed date. Paul claimed Ashley S should be getting another point for saying "I love you" to the bachelor. Our rules say that she must say the words "directly" to the bachelor. If I remember right she was kind of saying it to the air, not even looking him in the eye, but I gave them the point anyways cause I don't think they'll be a factor in this competition.

Bri & Doug: 23.5 points

1. Ashley I: 12

2. Samantha: 6

3. Nikki: 4
+1.5 last team standing bonus (tie)

Ashley I is racking up points even though she's a total bitch and she hasn't been on a one-on-one date. She's a big crier. Meanwhile, "Samantha" persists another episode because of the lack of rose ceremony. Yet B&D are slotted for a last place finish if their two remaining draft picks are eliminated during the next couple episodes, which appears likely.

Kelly & Phil: 22 points
1. Becca: 10
2. Megan: 7
3. Trina: 2
4. Amber: 3

We think of Megan as a solid player, but that's just cause she had a random early one-on-one. Megan is an imbecile and could be offed next week. Becca is practically a lock for Hometowns and remains in the hunt for next season's Bachelorette. I think we should give more points for picking next season's Bachelor(ette). That would keep the pool interesting in runaway seasons like this and rewards the other form of "winning" the game.

Melissa & Tom: 17 points

1. Britt: 11

2. Alissa: 1

3. Jillian: 4

4. Kimberly: 1

Britt had another solid encounter with Chris and appears on track for Hometowns. That should be enough to keep this team out of the basement.

Andrea & Zack: 15 points

1. Kaitlyn: 10

2. Tracy: 3

3. Jordan: 1

4. Tara: 1

It was amazing that both Kimberly and Jordan managed to "rise from the dead" like Bachelorette Zombies this season yet neither managed to stick for even one more episode. Also, it's time we all admit Kaitlyn is the coolest/funnest lady on the show. She may not win Chris's final rose but she'd be a wise choice for next Bachelorette.