Synopsis
Becca and Chris hung out in a loft in Des Moines. “Opening up is not my strong suit,” Becca said and Andrea made a virgin joke. Becca fingered the farmer’s forearm and talked about a 4-year relationship which somehow wasn’t consummated. Then they made out in front of a sunset and Andrea and Melissa made fun of Becca’s hair. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Britt cried and said she had packed her bags and was going home the next morning. Carly made funny faces and wrapped her hair around her eyes and told Britt she wasn’t buying it.
Chris Harrison told the girls there would be no cocktail party, just a rose ceremony. Britt interrupted the farmer’s rose ceremony intro and took him aside for a private conversation. The other girls didn’t like it. “I’m gonna throw up. I am so nauseous right now,” Carly said. The farmer told Britt the other girls had accused her of being fake and that he didn’t like her reaction to Iowa and that she was off the show and suddenly she was outside weeping hysterically. “Wait, so what was that?” Melissa asked. “Did she leave on her own accord?” “It’s not going to factor into a winner,” Bag said dismissively. “We just don’t want to get last,” Melissa explained. We decided to give Britt no plus or minus points, kind of like the night before when Megan left.
They had a rose ceremony anyways and the farmer predictably offed Carly. Jade cried and Carly sobbed in the limo about how no guys ever want her. “There’s thousands of creepers on Instagram who will want her,” Zack said, while Andrea said she felt bad and that she’d befriend Carly on Twitter.
The farmer went to Shreveport, Louisiana with Becca. “Shreveport, what a shithole,” Zack said. “That’s where your mommy’s from!” Andrea exclaimed. Zack made fun of Shreveport some more while Becca and Chris hung out in a swamp. Melissa announced she’d once dated a guy from Shreveport, which I was unaware of. They (Becca and Chris, not Melissa and the guy from Shreveport) went to Becca’s parents house where Becca’s sister told the farmer that Becca was unaffectionate. Becca’s mom said she’d never seen her daughter hold hands with a guy before. Becca’s sister referred to Becca’s “sugar donut” in regards to the fantasy suite while some scary piano music played. Then Becca and Chris went to the State Fair to ride a ferris wheel and Andrea complained that Zack never took her to ride one and Andrea and Melissa speculated that Becca might lose her virginity up on the wheel, but they just made out (Becca and Chris, not Andrea and Melissa).
“Today is a day that is going to go down in history in terms of my life,” Whitney squeaked before welcoming Chris to her hometown of Chicago. They went to Whitney’s fertility center and she showed him how to make babies with syringes. “I make corn,” the farmer said, then said “I can’t imagine what it might be like to make babies,” even though Whitney had just showed him.
Then they gave the farmer some porno magazines and told him to whack off into a cup. Melissa speculated that maybe that was how he would find out that Jade had posed in Playboy. It turned out to be a joke and they went to see Whitney’s “family” though she has no parents. Whitney’s uncle was cool but her sister decided to be difficult, making Whitney cry. Whitney then broke out a special bottle of wine meant only for the man she was going to marry and told the farmer she loved him as her voice reached an octave only audible to dogs.
Kaitlyn the Canadian took Chris to a warehouse parking lot in Arizona. The warehouse turned out to be a recording studio where they wrote and recorded a rap song. The farmer turned out to be pretty good at rhymes – he dropped em like Zack drops limes when he’s making Margaritas that are dimes, though he tripped over his words a few times.
They had dinner with Kaitlyn’s divorced parents, their new spouses, and Kaitlyn’s sister. It went well and Kaitlyn looked like she was going to cry. “Get there!” Bag encouraged. “Squeeze one out!” Andrea yelled. But Kaitlyn didn’t. Instead she showed him a billboard that said Kaitlyn [heart sign] Chris which Zack tried to claim was the same as her saying “I love you” to the Bachelor so they should get 3 points. No.
Next the farmer went to Jade’s hometown, some unknown farming town in Nebraska that was five times bigger, prettier, and more open than his unknown farming town in Iowa. Jade couldn’t stop stressing about telling Chris about her nude photos. Chris talked to Jade’s dad and brothers while ominous string-synth music played. Cosmo came over and demanded that Melissa pet her. “Cosmo has a deep dark secret,” Andrea said. “He’s a virgin.”
Jade shed a couple tears while talking to her dad “Laren” who also started crying. “Laren gets a point,” Zack chimed. Jade told the cameras for a 16th and 17th time how nervous she was to tell Chris about posing for Playboy. Melissa compared her to Lyla Garrity and Andrea noted the pink throw on the couch Jade was sitting on. Jade finally told Chris about posing for Playboy while some rather scary wind-synth music played. Then she offered to show the farmer some of the photos. “This is about you,” he said. “If it makes you feel more comfortable…” Jade got a laptop and they looked at naked pictures and videos of her on the internet. Zack and I discussed how we had seen the pictures but not the video. The farmer said it was NBD and Jade sighed in relief. “I’ve been waiting to see Jade out of her shell, and I saw her out of her shell,” Chris said. “And her clothes,” Melissa added.
At the rose ceremony, the farmer announced it was “the toughest night I have had in my entire life” and then stunned our living room by voting Jade out. She cried and got into a limo while Melissa talked about her side-boob. The farmer cried quite a bit too and said it “could be the biggest mistake of my entire life.”
Standings
Andie & Eric: 58.5 points
2. Whitney: 23
+1.5 last team standing bonus (tie)
I was shocked to see Jade go before Kaitlyn, as I thought she checked all the farmer's boxes. Her elimination won't have an effect on the pool, as Whitney is a point-earning juggernaut. She racked up 12 points this week, eight on Monday night with a tour-de-force of dating, crying, hometowns, roses and I-love-yous. Personally I think she could do better than the Monsanto farmer.
Did anyone else grow weary of Carly's self-pity? Based on looks, she's probably in the top 10% of single women, yet is convinced that men don't want her. Carly needs to take a one-week spin on OKCupid to pump up her self-esteem.
Kelly & Phil: 33 points
1. Becca: 18
Becca's night in the fantasy suite will likely be an overblown storyline. She and Chris will probably talk for about eight hours, cuddle for one and fall asleep next to each other with their clothes on - just like most normal people who barely know each other yet are considering getting married would. Speaking of the fantasy suite - I thought the show usually ended on the fantasy suite episode...am I remembering wrong? I just want this to be over already. I can't believe there might be 4+ more hours to plow through.
Andrea & Zack: 26 points
1. Kaitlyn: 21
Much was made of Britt's impossible transition to Arlington Iowa, but I can't see Kaitlyn pulling it off either. She's just too cool and too social to lock it down with the farmer at this point. She remains the darkhorse pick to say no to the farmer's marriage proposal and upset A&E.
+1.5 last team standing bonus (tie)
Our team of four somehow scored less than DouBri's pitiful duo of Ashley Kardashian and Samikki, so I'll keep my mouth shut until their bi-annual Survivor stinkbomb.
Cosmo is a him not a her, you monster.
ReplyDeleteArlington, Iowa boasts the only single business in the world that sells liquor, chicken, pizza, and frozen yogurt to go. The high school football players also play in the band at halftime of their own games.
ReplyDeleteDo I get any points for all the crying Andi did on camera?
I’ve been reluctant to call Whitney the favorite because he doesn’t talk about his feelings for her. He only talks about all of her great characteristics, and that’s usually equals no ring. But with all that kissing things look promising
My next book, working title How To Win The Bachelor, will include several rules:
Rule Number 1: you must have a genuine interest in the target and a desire to get married.
Rule Number 2: don’t let your family bleep it up for you.
Out of jealousy or protection, or a combination, Whitney’s sister tried to ring block. If I were to consult a contestant’s family I’d tell them to be willing to let your daughter’s heart be broken. Otherwise your protection may prevent her from finding true love. She’ll turn out okay either way.
Becca’s family said ‘before we saw Becca with you we thought she was asexual and incapable of emotion.’
Have we ever seen so little of a 1-1 date as the one between Becca and Chris? It must have been a real snoozer.
By the way, that wasn’t the home of Becca’s parents, it was the home of her sister and brother-in-law, Jacob Hestor.
From the keyboard of Chris Harrison: “Now here's the big question with Kaitlyn: Did she say she loves Chris? Yes, she lit up a billboard that said Kaitlyn "hearts" Chris — but does that count? I say no! It's one thing to show him something or write it, but it's another to look him in the eye and say it. So I'll only give her credit for half an "I love you."”
Have we seen the last of Brit? I really want to know her story.
Paul + Twitch + Bachelor > Greg Merson + poker + Twitch
Rule Number 3: Your chances of winning are inversely related to time spent talking about other women. Example: Carly.
Rule Number X: If you have bad news to tell the Bachelor get it out quickly. The longer the delay between the declaration of bad news and the actual telling of the bad news the worse the effect. This also applies to life outside The Bachelor.
Poor Jade. The photos were a deal killer, even though her top end was second place. It was a big deal that Chris brought her to Arlington. She never told Chris that he loved her, which was good because Chris and the farm life didn’t suit her, and she wasn’t in love with him. Her brother didn’t help matters. She’s still figuring out what she wants in life and the lights in LA are much brighter than those in Arlington.
If they were really smart they would secretly inserted Jade into that room at Whitney’s office. She could have showed him the video when it was time to fill up the cup.
Candidates for next Bachelorette, without a clear favorite: Jade, Kaitlyn, Andi, Brad Womack. Maybe they’ll just run another Bachelor instead of Bachelorette since the list of candidates is so weak.
We have 7 hours remaining: fantasy suite show (2), Women Tell All (2), final episode (2), After the Final Rose (1). I find the final two episodes are usually the least interesting unless something really dramatic happens, and they haven’t teased anything.
This is a two woman race between Becca and Whitney and I’m picking Whitney.
By my count we should have 58.5 points. 44.5 + 14 points Monday.
ReplyDelete4 - Crying: Whitney ( sister debacle) and Jade 3 times (Carly’s departure, Dad talk, departure)
3 - Roses - Two for Whitney (beginning and end of show) and one for Jade
6 - Hometown dates
1 - Whitney told Chris she loved him
I am well aware of Cosmo's gender.
ReplyDeleteI think it was meant as a joke but Eric has an incredible idea here - to give players they drafted in previous seasons points for things like interviews with Chris Harrison, weddings, crying, etc., creating a sort of "Bachelor Dynasty League"??
ReplyDeleteLike, everyone keeps one player on their roster at the end of every season?
ReplyDeleteWe had Jade at two cries. Her "Dad talk" moment was very close to crying, but not quite, I believe we ruled.
ReplyDeleteI like the Bachelor Dynasty league.
ReplyDeleteShe definitely cried during Dad talk. Tears.
Jade did indeed cry three times. Her and A&E's team totals have been corrected.
ReplyDeleteAn 11 day work trip derailed Bri and my watching of the episodes by a good amount, but our team was already off the tracks so it didn't matter that much. Some great commentary on the blog and best news of all -> We weren't last!
ReplyDeleteI agree that the Andi interview/inclusion on the show is a back up plan to potentially have her as the Bachelorette again. The producers have to be scared that none of the current contestants have enough of what it takes to anchor a show. The same could have been said of Chris, though..
I think an Ashley S. Bachelorette/Variety Show might be worth watching.
Our money is now on Whitney. We didn't think she stood a chance when we first heard her voice, but she seems to be the most genuine and most likely to be happy on a farm in Iowa.
Hopefully the women tell all is full of some craziness. There has to be some good stories that we didn't see. Like why the hell doesn't Brit shower!
Chris Harrison won't stop texting me asking when the next Bachelor Blog post is coming up. I finally had to block him.
ReplyDelete