Finale

Synopsis

On a cold, rainy night Melissa, Bailey and I convened with some tomato basil soup (from Safeway – I didn’t make it) and grilled cheese in front of the couch for the three-hour Bachelorette finale.  Rachel came out to watch the show with Chris Harrison and a studio audience. “I’m used to watching it by myself, I haven’t seen this yet, and yeah, it’s my first time seeing it and I’m used to, like I said, watching by myself,” she said. They ran a commercial and then announced Juan Pablo had gotten married. It wasn’t to Nikki who he chose at the end or anyone from the show. Harrison asked Rachel some ominous questions about Peter and she gave some ominous answers. Then some ominous music played as the actual show started. Rachel cried. Peter thanked her for her emotions. She gave him an invitation to the fantasy suite. Peter accepted. “And so, I, I will take this and hope that you allow me to take this,” he said. “I will,” Rachel said. “Allow you to take my panties off,” Melissa finished for her.

Bryan ad Rachel rode horses matching their skin tones through a vineyard. They had a conversation which brought out anxiety in Rachel. Harrison asked Rachel if she nearly broke up with Peter before fantasy suites and she said she almost did. Bryan admitted there was “something a bit off” before the evening portion of his date with Rachel, but he too got to go to the fantasy suite with Rachel. “I really feel like last night brought us a lot closer together,” Rachel said the next morning. Bryan expressed confidence about how it went and proudly strutted out of the suite. It was the opposite of a Walk of Shame.

Rachel made a “poor dress choice” according to Melissa for the Spanish Rose Ceremony. She approved of Peter’s blue suit. Rachel did too, apparently – she kept him and got rid of Eric. He made a classy exit and cried a little on the airport ride through the Spanish countryside. Then he came into the studio and asked Rachel how her heart was. She said it was good. There was a preview for a show called “The Good Doctor” which predictably intrigued Melissa.

Bryan and Rachel took a hot air balloon ride, then made out on a sofa. Bryan gave Rachel a personalized English/Spanish dictionary and they made out some more. Rachel wore a camouflage jacket to a date with Peter in a monastery. They talked in broken English with a Spanish monk before having an intense conversation in a windowsill that made Rachel cry. That evening Peter told Rachel he was in love with her but wasn’t ready to ask her to marry him. She cried once again, and after a long struggle over his refusal to propose on the next day, he cried too and they appeared to break up.

Peter came into the studio and I made a Just For Men joke. He talked with Chris Harrison and Rachel while I looked at Twitter reactions to Quincy Enunwa’s season-ending injury. Rachel said she cried her eyelashes off that night. Peter expressed a lot of frustration and sadness. He said he had to look at Rachel’s eyelashes on the floor for days afterwards.

Neil the Ring Guy helped Bryan pick out an engagement ring. Then Bryan got a ride up to a castle on a windy hill where Rachel was waiting for him. He told Rachel their first kiss was a like a “chemistry bomb had just exploded” and some other stuff but it was hard to hear over the wind. Rachel told him she loved him and couldn’t imagine spending her life with anyone else. Bryan asked her to marry him and she said yes.

Bryan then came into the studio and immediately asked Rachel to marry him again for some reason. She accepted again. They revealed Bryan had been going under the alias “Jerome” the last few months. Then there was a long trailer for Bachelor in Paradise. The highlight was Chris Harrison running into the ocean with a lifeguard ring while wearing a tuxedo.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 46

1. Bryan - 27

2. Alex - 10

3. Adam - 8

4. Blake - 1
Ultimately this was the best team and the Schwartzes deserve credit for drafting it. Most would have drafted Bryan with the first pick but the Alex/Adam combo was crucial. The Schwartzes are back on top after back-to-back last-place finishes.

Melissa & Tom - 39

1. Peter - 28

2. Josiah - 7

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

I didn't dock Peter any points for exiting before the final rose. It wasn't exactly "premature and involuntary", nor was it "prematurely on one's own accord" which would have entailed a 3-pt bonus. In this case it wouldn't have mattered, and won't matter even if Peter is surprisingly named next Bachelor.

Julia & Paul - 31

1. Dean - 21

2. Anthony - 7

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1
I still think Dean will be next Bachelor, though his stint in Paradise could affect that. If it's not Dean, then who? No one else from this season stands out and it's tough to think of a previous fellow who might be suitable. 

Andrea & Zack - 29

1. Eric - 23

2. Will - 7

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2
Good run for Eric. Outside of Dean he wound up being the most charismatic, watchable contestant this season. I can't see them going with a black Bachelor after Rachel's season, though. She stands as my favorite Bachelor(ette) of the seasons I've watched.

Kelly & Phil - 17

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 7

3. Lee - 6

4. Blake - 1
Whether or not a marriage proposal should be necessary to determine a winner could be debated endlessly - even more endlessly than Rachel and Peter debated it - but I think it's irrelevant. The only question is whether she liked Peter more than Bryan. If she did, then she made a terrible choice. I doubt she did, though. Things wrapped up pretty smoothly. I suppose we'll never know for sure.
 

Bri & Doug - 16

1. Kenny - 10

2. Iggy - 5

3. Diggy - 3

4. DeMario - -2
We have a few rules to straighten out before next season. We have " 'Saying I love you' or 'I'm falling in love with you' directly to the Bachelor" worth two points currently. This season I didn't mark it because it can be ambiguous and all the relevant characters ended up saying it anyways. We should decide if we want this rule to continue, if we want the 3-point first kiss of the season bonus to continue (usually someone kisses on opening night making this irrelevant), if we should make a season-specific bonus, and if there are any other rule changes worth considering.

Fantasy Suites & The Men Tell All

Synopsis

Fantasy Suites

Rachel went home to Dallas while we ate a delicious sushi veggie bowl Melissa made. Bryan, Peter, Eric, and Eric's biceps joined her. Rachel and Peter bought her soon-to-be niece clothes and a stuffed giraffe. Peter and Rachel told each other they were falling in love with each other. They went to meet Rachel's family, which included two other white partners. Rachel's dad was conspicuously absent again. Melissa speculated that he was in the witness protection program. Rachel's mom asked Peter what made him want to marry Rachel and he said he wasn't ready to marry her or ask for her blessing. Rachel's mom liked it when he said that.  

Rachel took Eric to see a section of Dallas by Houston street. He wore a denim shirt like one Melissa wears. They went to a tower with a view of the federal building where Rachel's dad works. Melissa speculated that he couldn't be on TV because he was in the CIA. Eric talked to Rachel's family while I sipped sake Melissa brought back from Japan and she surfed Instagram. Eric asked Rachel's mom if he could ask Rachel to marry him and she said it was okay with her if it was okay with Rachel. 

Bryan was next. "He's got that Miami swagger," Peter said. "But in Miami there's a lot of fake boobs, fake asses and fake cheeks." Rachel took Bryan to drink mimosas with two blondes with large hair. Rachel revealed that she thought Bryan was a "douchebag" early on. Rachel told Bryan her uncle was an anesthesiologist. "They'll automatically hate him," Melissa said of Bryan. "Because real doctors don't have respect for chiropractors." Bryan told Rachel's family he was in love with her while Rachel's sister made a series of skeptical, meme-able facial gestures. Bryan attempted to explain his feelings for Rachel but her family wasn't buying it. "She was a girlfriend like after a week??" Rachel's sister inquired before making more incredulous facial contortions. 

Rachel's sister gave Bryan a hard time while I tried to decide who to rank higher on our dynasty roster between Tyler Lockett, Randall Cobb and Quincy Enunwa. Rachel told her mom she loved Bryan. Her mom expressed skepticism. Bryan told her mom she loved Rachel. Her mom expressed more skepticism. Melissa noted how large their house was, leading to a short discussion of Dallas real estate which I described as "hot" without really having much idea. 

They went to La Rioja, Spain. Melissa noted how small Rachel's suitcase was before concluding it only contained makeup and underwear. Eric and Rachel took a helicopter ride over some vineyards and made out. They touched down at a place called San Juan de Gaztelugatxe and walked for a bit before drinking white wine. Then they rang a bell that granted wishes and made out some more. At dinner Eric stuck with white wine while Rachel graduated to red. He made a nice speech telling her he loved her which momentarily distracted Melissa from her Instagram notifications. Eric and Rachel opened a Fantasy Suite invitation that was allegedly from Chris Harrison. "Do you wanna do this?" Rachel asked. "All in, for the win," Eric responded. They went up to the suite. "It's the night to go deeper, and open up more," Eric said.

Peter was next. He went with Rachel to a wine cellar where they met an old Spaniard wearing a Kangol cap without a Kangol logo. Melissa did a core exercise on the floor while the Spaniard sung to them in Spanish. I noted that Peter's hair seemed to get grayer and grayer and he seemed to get handsomer and handsomer each episode. Melissa concurred. Peter told Rachel he wasn't ready to propose to her and a cute little girl interrupted. Rachel and Peter then stomped grapes in a barrel while Melissa did an impressive headstand. At night Peter and Rachel had a semantic argument about the meaning of engagement which made Rachel cry. 

The Men Tell All

Tired and somewhat under-the-weather Melissa, tired and healthy Bailey, a baby spinach/baby kale/arugula/roasted beet/carrot/radish/green bell pepper/mushroom/red onion/vegan sausage/cheese/jerry-rigged dressing salad I made, a Doctor D's Tart Cherry Sparkling Probiotic Water Kefir, an oxford comma, and a Finkel & Garf Cherry & Black Currant Wheat convened on the basement couch for The Men Tell All. Chris Harrison introduced the men on the show, hyping "all the heated controversies, all the devastating heartbreak, and of course, their love for Rachel." He also said the season had featured "more conflicts and angry fights than ever before" which was fake news cause this season has been a walk in the park relative to others. Harrison then said he'd spent some extra time in the gym, but you couldn't tell. 

 

There was a highlights montage of past Men Tell Alls including a blonde telling a guy "I hope you find faith in something bigger than your Prada shoes and your private helicopter" and JJ the Jerk's tryst with Clint. Throughout the montage there was not a single shot of a man in the audience, which is problematic because I still owe Zack a trip to the Men Tell All thanks to a college football bet I lost.  Then there was another "highlights" montage from the season including the feud between DeMario and his ex-girlfriend whose name I already forgot, the feud between Whaboom and the douche whose name I already forgot and the feud between Eric and the possibly-racist country guy whose name I already forgot. The douche whose name I already forgot, who turned out to be named Blake, was now listed as an "Aspiring Drummer." DeMario demanded "ocular facts" which would certainly be a term Sean Spicer would use if he was still employed, or perhaps Anthony Scarmucci would use if he was still employed. Dean claimed DeMario, who he was now calling "Devo", is "not a bad person, but he's an idiot." Whaboom called DeMario a joke, which prompted Will to tell Whaboom "You literally cannot call anyone else on this show a joke" which is a double pet peeve of mine: misuse of the word "literally" and overuse of the word "literally."

Dean then said that "literally 30 people" had Kenny's back in his feud with Lee which was certainly an overuse of the word "literally" and a misuse unless there were camera people and/or production people siding with Kenny against Lee. "Devo" then attempted to come to Lee's defense. I reminded Melissa that "Devo" had only lasted two episodes and didn't get to know the true Lee. Kenny said Lee wasn't a racist and that he was merely "not on the level" of prospective candidates such as himself. 

There was a long Kenny "highlights package" including the recurring, mysterious argument with Lee about whether or not he was pulled out of a van. Melissa remarked on the length of Kenny's tie. The salad was good but I did throw in too many cucumbers, which have a surprisingly owverwhelming taste/texture. It should also be noted that carrots have a rather hard texture when not chopped finely, which can be distracting throughout the chewing process. Lee continued to dispute that he was pulled out of a van, but apologized for "not being a better friend" to Kenny. McKenzie, Kenny's daughter, then came out on stage with a rose for her dad. 

Chris Harrison brought Lee on stage and showed some tweets of his which noted the superiority of dogs to women, the unattractiveness of feminists, and a comparison of the NAACP to the KKK. "I feel like I have a lot to learn in this area," Lee understated. Josiah came on stage and questioned why he had come on the show to date a black woman. "I don't like racism at all," Lee claimed. "It bothers me morally. It bothers me inside, and I don't like it." He then defended his NAACP comment as "half of a tweet" when it was clearly an entire tweet. 

Anthony then blasted Lee with a question implicitly embedded in words Lee surely didn't understand including "implicitly" and "embedded." Chris Harrison then straight-up asked Lee if he was a racist. "I completely denounce that, and I denounce that Lee," he said. He then appeared to cry, earning Kelly & Phil an unexpected eleventh hour point to break their last-place tie with Bri & Doug. Melissa then inquired again if I had seen the shortness of Kenny's tie and if I wanted to rewind it to check it. I did not.

Then Dean, who was wearing a "camo tux", suspenders and a bow-tie, entered "The Hot Seat." Zack texted me a poker hand he dreamed about and I told him the Men Tell All was "surprising [fire emoji fire emoji fire emoji]. Zack noted that Lee was "owning up sort of" and that "Kennys daughter is an ideal kid." Harrison announced Dean would be on Bachelor in Paradise which made us wonder if he could do that and also be next Bachelor. I assumed so. Nick V did. Harrison then previewed the next segment of the show with Rachel coming on the show and mentioned there were still three contestants still competing for her heart. Melissa couldn't remember who they were.

Fred gave Rachel a speech which Melissa and I agreed had been rehearsed several times. Then they showed a blooper reel which actually lived up to the hype Harrison had given it.

 

 

Standings

 

Andie & Eric - 40

1. Bryan - 21

2. Alex - 10

3. Adam - 8

4. Blake - 1

Melissa & Tom - 32

1. Peter - 21

2. Josiah - 7

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

I haven't given Peter his three points for getting invited to the Fantasy Suite, even though it's going to happen because they've already shown previews with him standing at a Rose Ceremony next to Bryan and Eric. That will cut the deficit to five, but he'll only make up two points if he wins and Bryan gets second. But if Rachel somehow goes with Eric and Peter as her final two, we'll pull this out, assuming there's not a revolt over the +3 last team standing bonus that only Eric has complained about so far. If Rachel got rid of Bryan during the last episode before The Final Rose, we'd win by one point - not including potential tears. There are a lot of potential scenarios. Stay tuned.

Julia & Paul - 31

1. Dean - 21

2. Anthony - 7

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1
Anthony seems like an awesome guy. He just wasn't an awesome reality-TV contestant.

Andrea & Zack - 28

1. Eric - 22

2. Will - 7

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2
Melissa asked me during the last episode why I thought Eric has no chance. I laughed and asked her if we were watching the same show. Rachel has never looked at him the way she's looked at Bryan or Peter and never conversed with him as intently as she has with them. If he wins this, I'll rename this blog "Tom Fuller Is An Idiot" for the next season.

Kelly & Phil - 17

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 7

3. Lee - 6

4. Blake - 1
How 'bout that Men Tell All cry Lee pulled out?! Should that count? I don't see why not, unless someone argues he never actually cried. It was pretty close. That will give Bri & Doug the first pick in next season's draft, if they aren't too embarrassed to play again. Their blog comments have been so sparse I figure they must be hiding in shame.
 

Bri & Doug - 16

1. Kenny - 10

2. Iggy - 5

3. Diggy - 3

4. DeMario - -2
Spoiler alert: DeMario is going to get negative points on Bachelor in Paradise as well. Don't draft him for any Paradise pools, B&D.