Finale

Synopsis

On a cold, rainy night Melissa, Bailey and I convened with some tomato basil soup (from Safeway – I didn’t make it) and grilled cheese in front of the couch for the three-hour Bachelorette finale.  Rachel came out to watch the show with Chris Harrison and a studio audience. “I’m used to watching it by myself, I haven’t seen this yet, and yeah, it’s my first time seeing it and I’m used to, like I said, watching by myself,” she said. They ran a commercial and then announced Juan Pablo had gotten married. It wasn’t to Nikki who he chose at the end or anyone from the show. Harrison asked Rachel some ominous questions about Peter and she gave some ominous answers. Then some ominous music played as the actual show started. Rachel cried. Peter thanked her for her emotions. She gave him an invitation to the fantasy suite. Peter accepted. “And so, I, I will take this and hope that you allow me to take this,” he said. “I will,” Rachel said. “Allow you to take my panties off,” Melissa finished for her.

Bryan ad Rachel rode horses matching their skin tones through a vineyard. They had a conversation which brought out anxiety in Rachel. Harrison asked Rachel if she nearly broke up with Peter before fantasy suites and she said she almost did. Bryan admitted there was “something a bit off” before the evening portion of his date with Rachel, but he too got to go to the fantasy suite with Rachel. “I really feel like last night brought us a lot closer together,” Rachel said the next morning. Bryan expressed confidence about how it went and proudly strutted out of the suite. It was the opposite of a Walk of Shame.

Rachel made a “poor dress choice” according to Melissa for the Spanish Rose Ceremony. She approved of Peter’s blue suit. Rachel did too, apparently – she kept him and got rid of Eric. He made a classy exit and cried a little on the airport ride through the Spanish countryside. Then he came into the studio and asked Rachel how her heart was. She said it was good. There was a preview for a show called “The Good Doctor” which predictably intrigued Melissa.

Bryan and Rachel took a hot air balloon ride, then made out on a sofa. Bryan gave Rachel a personalized English/Spanish dictionary and they made out some more. Rachel wore a camouflage jacket to a date with Peter in a monastery. They talked in broken English with a Spanish monk before having an intense conversation in a windowsill that made Rachel cry. That evening Peter told Rachel he was in love with her but wasn’t ready to ask her to marry him. She cried once again, and after a long struggle over his refusal to propose on the next day, he cried too and they appeared to break up.

Peter came into the studio and I made a Just For Men joke. He talked with Chris Harrison and Rachel while I looked at Twitter reactions to Quincy Enunwa’s season-ending injury. Rachel said she cried her eyelashes off that night. Peter expressed a lot of frustration and sadness. He said he had to look at Rachel’s eyelashes on the floor for days afterwards.

Neil the Ring Guy helped Bryan pick out an engagement ring. Then Bryan got a ride up to a castle on a windy hill where Rachel was waiting for him. He told Rachel their first kiss was a like a “chemistry bomb had just exploded” and some other stuff but it was hard to hear over the wind. Rachel told him she loved him and couldn’t imagine spending her life with anyone else. Bryan asked her to marry him and she said yes.

Bryan then came into the studio and immediately asked Rachel to marry him again for some reason. She accepted again. They revealed Bryan had been going under the alias “Jerome” the last few months. Then there was a long trailer for Bachelor in Paradise. The highlight was Chris Harrison running into the ocean with a lifeguard ring while wearing a tuxedo.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 46

1. Bryan - 27

2. Alex - 10

3. Adam - 8

4. Blake - 1
Ultimately this was the best team and the Schwartzes deserve credit for drafting it. Most would have drafted Bryan with the first pick but the Alex/Adam combo was crucial. The Schwartzes are back on top after back-to-back last-place finishes.

Melissa & Tom - 39

1. Peter - 28

2. Josiah - 7

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

I didn't dock Peter any points for exiting before the final rose. It wasn't exactly "premature and involuntary", nor was it "prematurely on one's own accord" which would have entailed a 3-pt bonus. In this case it wouldn't have mattered, and won't matter even if Peter is surprisingly named next Bachelor.

Julia & Paul - 31

1. Dean - 21

2. Anthony - 7

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1
I still think Dean will be next Bachelor, though his stint in Paradise could affect that. If it's not Dean, then who? No one else from this season stands out and it's tough to think of a previous fellow who might be suitable. 

Andrea & Zack - 29

1. Eric - 23

2. Will - 7

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2
Good run for Eric. Outside of Dean he wound up being the most charismatic, watchable contestant this season. I can't see them going with a black Bachelor after Rachel's season, though. She stands as my favorite Bachelor(ette) of the seasons I've watched.

Kelly & Phil - 17

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 7

3. Lee - 6

4. Blake - 1
Whether or not a marriage proposal should be necessary to determine a winner could be debated endlessly - even more endlessly than Rachel and Peter debated it - but I think it's irrelevant. The only question is whether she liked Peter more than Bryan. If she did, then she made a terrible choice. I doubt she did, though. Things wrapped up pretty smoothly. I suppose we'll never know for sure.
 

Bri & Doug - 16

1. Kenny - 10

2. Iggy - 5

3. Diggy - 3

4. DeMario - -2
We have a few rules to straighten out before next season. We have " 'Saying I love you' or 'I'm falling in love with you' directly to the Bachelor" worth two points currently. This season I didn't mark it because it can be ambiguous and all the relevant characters ended up saying it anyways. We should decide if we want this rule to continue, if we want the 3-point first kiss of the season bonus to continue (usually someone kisses on opening night making this irrelevant), if we should make a season-specific bonus, and if there are any other rule changes worth considering.

Fantasy Suites & The Men Tell All

Synopsis

Fantasy Suites

Rachel went home to Dallas while we ate a delicious sushi veggie bowl Melissa made. Bryan, Peter, Eric, and Eric's biceps joined her. Rachel and Peter bought her soon-to-be niece clothes and a stuffed giraffe. Peter and Rachel told each other they were falling in love with each other. They went to meet Rachel's family, which included two other white partners. Rachel's dad was conspicuously absent again. Melissa speculated that he was in the witness protection program. Rachel's mom asked Peter what made him want to marry Rachel and he said he wasn't ready to marry her or ask for her blessing. Rachel's mom liked it when he said that.  

Rachel took Eric to see a section of Dallas by Houston street. He wore a denim shirt like one Melissa wears. They went to a tower with a view of the federal building where Rachel's dad works. Melissa speculated that he couldn't be on TV because he was in the CIA. Eric talked to Rachel's family while I sipped sake Melissa brought back from Japan and she surfed Instagram. Eric asked Rachel's mom if he could ask Rachel to marry him and she said it was okay with her if it was okay with Rachel. 

Bryan was next. "He's got that Miami swagger," Peter said. "But in Miami there's a lot of fake boobs, fake asses and fake cheeks." Rachel took Bryan to drink mimosas with two blondes with large hair. Rachel revealed that she thought Bryan was a "douchebag" early on. Rachel told Bryan her uncle was an anesthesiologist. "They'll automatically hate him," Melissa said of Bryan. "Because real doctors don't have respect for chiropractors." Bryan told Rachel's family he was in love with her while Rachel's sister made a series of skeptical, meme-able facial gestures. Bryan attempted to explain his feelings for Rachel but her family wasn't buying it. "She was a girlfriend like after a week??" Rachel's sister inquired before making more incredulous facial contortions. 

Rachel's sister gave Bryan a hard time while I tried to decide who to rank higher on our dynasty roster between Tyler Lockett, Randall Cobb and Quincy Enunwa. Rachel told her mom she loved Bryan. Her mom expressed skepticism. Bryan told her mom she loved Rachel. Her mom expressed more skepticism. Melissa noted how large their house was, leading to a short discussion of Dallas real estate which I described as "hot" without really having much idea. 

They went to La Rioja, Spain. Melissa noted how small Rachel's suitcase was before concluding it only contained makeup and underwear. Eric and Rachel took a helicopter ride over some vineyards and made out. They touched down at a place called San Juan de Gaztelugatxe and walked for a bit before drinking white wine. Then they rang a bell that granted wishes and made out some more. At dinner Eric stuck with white wine while Rachel graduated to red. He made a nice speech telling her he loved her which momentarily distracted Melissa from her Instagram notifications. Eric and Rachel opened a Fantasy Suite invitation that was allegedly from Chris Harrison. "Do you wanna do this?" Rachel asked. "All in, for the win," Eric responded. They went up to the suite. "It's the night to go deeper, and open up more," Eric said.

Peter was next. He went with Rachel to a wine cellar where they met an old Spaniard wearing a Kangol cap without a Kangol logo. Melissa did a core exercise on the floor while the Spaniard sung to them in Spanish. I noted that Peter's hair seemed to get grayer and grayer and he seemed to get handsomer and handsomer each episode. Melissa concurred. Peter told Rachel he wasn't ready to propose to her and a cute little girl interrupted. Rachel and Peter then stomped grapes in a barrel while Melissa did an impressive headstand. At night Peter and Rachel had a semantic argument about the meaning of engagement which made Rachel cry. 

The Men Tell All

Tired and somewhat under-the-weather Melissa, tired and healthy Bailey, a baby spinach/baby kale/arugula/roasted beet/carrot/radish/green bell pepper/mushroom/red onion/vegan sausage/cheese/jerry-rigged dressing salad I made, a Doctor D's Tart Cherry Sparkling Probiotic Water Kefir, an oxford comma, and a Finkel & Garf Cherry & Black Currant Wheat convened on the basement couch for The Men Tell All. Chris Harrison introduced the men on the show, hyping "all the heated controversies, all the devastating heartbreak, and of course, their love for Rachel." He also said the season had featured "more conflicts and angry fights than ever before" which was fake news cause this season has been a walk in the park relative to others. Harrison then said he'd spent some extra time in the gym, but you couldn't tell. 

 

There was a highlights montage of past Men Tell Alls including a blonde telling a guy "I hope you find faith in something bigger than your Prada shoes and your private helicopter" and JJ the Jerk's tryst with Clint. Throughout the montage there was not a single shot of a man in the audience, which is problematic because I still owe Zack a trip to the Men Tell All thanks to a college football bet I lost.  Then there was another "highlights" montage from the season including the feud between DeMario and his ex-girlfriend whose name I already forgot, the feud between Whaboom and the douche whose name I already forgot and the feud between Eric and the possibly-racist country guy whose name I already forgot. The douche whose name I already forgot, who turned out to be named Blake, was now listed as an "Aspiring Drummer." DeMario demanded "ocular facts" which would certainly be a term Sean Spicer would use if he was still employed, or perhaps Anthony Scarmucci would use if he was still employed. Dean claimed DeMario, who he was now calling "Devo", is "not a bad person, but he's an idiot." Whaboom called DeMario a joke, which prompted Will to tell Whaboom "You literally cannot call anyone else on this show a joke" which is a double pet peeve of mine: misuse of the word "literally" and overuse of the word "literally."

Dean then said that "literally 30 people" had Kenny's back in his feud with Lee which was certainly an overuse of the word "literally" and a misuse unless there were camera people and/or production people siding with Kenny against Lee. "Devo" then attempted to come to Lee's defense. I reminded Melissa that "Devo" had only lasted two episodes and didn't get to know the true Lee. Kenny said Lee wasn't a racist and that he was merely "not on the level" of prospective candidates such as himself. 

There was a long Kenny "highlights package" including the recurring, mysterious argument with Lee about whether or not he was pulled out of a van. Melissa remarked on the length of Kenny's tie. The salad was good but I did throw in too many cucumbers, which have a surprisingly owverwhelming taste/texture. It should also be noted that carrots have a rather hard texture when not chopped finely, which can be distracting throughout the chewing process. Lee continued to dispute that he was pulled out of a van, but apologized for "not being a better friend" to Kenny. McKenzie, Kenny's daughter, then came out on stage with a rose for her dad. 

Chris Harrison brought Lee on stage and showed some tweets of his which noted the superiority of dogs to women, the unattractiveness of feminists, and a comparison of the NAACP to the KKK. "I feel like I have a lot to learn in this area," Lee understated. Josiah came on stage and questioned why he had come on the show to date a black woman. "I don't like racism at all," Lee claimed. "It bothers me morally. It bothers me inside, and I don't like it." He then defended his NAACP comment as "half of a tweet" when it was clearly an entire tweet. 

Anthony then blasted Lee with a question implicitly embedded in words Lee surely didn't understand including "implicitly" and "embedded." Chris Harrison then straight-up asked Lee if he was a racist. "I completely denounce that, and I denounce that Lee," he said. He then appeared to cry, earning Kelly & Phil an unexpected eleventh hour point to break their last-place tie with Bri & Doug. Melissa then inquired again if I had seen the shortness of Kenny's tie and if I wanted to rewind it to check it. I did not.

Then Dean, who was wearing a "camo tux", suspenders and a bow-tie, entered "The Hot Seat." Zack texted me a poker hand he dreamed about and I told him the Men Tell All was "surprising [fire emoji fire emoji fire emoji]. Zack noted that Lee was "owning up sort of" and that "Kennys daughter is an ideal kid." Harrison announced Dean would be on Bachelor in Paradise which made us wonder if he could do that and also be next Bachelor. I assumed so. Nick V did. Harrison then previewed the next segment of the show with Rachel coming on the show and mentioned there were still three contestants still competing for her heart. Melissa couldn't remember who they were.

Fred gave Rachel a speech which Melissa and I agreed had been rehearsed several times. Then they showed a blooper reel which actually lived up to the hype Harrison had given it.

 

 

Standings

 

Andie & Eric - 40

1. Bryan - 21

2. Alex - 10

3. Adam - 8

4. Blake - 1

Melissa & Tom - 32

1. Peter - 21

2. Josiah - 7

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

I haven't given Peter his three points for getting invited to the Fantasy Suite, even though it's going to happen because they've already shown previews with him standing at a Rose Ceremony next to Bryan and Eric. That will cut the deficit to five, but he'll only make up two points if he wins and Bryan gets second. But if Rachel somehow goes with Eric and Peter as her final two, we'll pull this out, assuming there's not a revolt over the +3 last team standing bonus that only Eric has complained about so far. If Rachel got rid of Bryan during the last episode before The Final Rose, we'd win by one point - not including potential tears. There are a lot of potential scenarios. Stay tuned.

Julia & Paul - 31

1. Dean - 21

2. Anthony - 7

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1
Anthony seems like an awesome guy. He just wasn't an awesome reality-TV contestant.

Andrea & Zack - 28

1. Eric - 22

2. Will - 7

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2
Melissa asked me during the last episode why I thought Eric has no chance. I laughed and asked her if we were watching the same show. Rachel has never looked at him the way she's looked at Bryan or Peter and never conversed with him as intently as she has with them. If he wins this, I'll rename this blog "Tom Fuller Is An Idiot" for the next season.

Kelly & Phil - 17

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 7

3. Lee - 6

4. Blake - 1
How 'bout that Men Tell All cry Lee pulled out?! Should that count? I don't see why not, unless someone argues he never actually cried. It was pretty close. That will give Bri & Doug the first pick in next season's draft, if they aren't too embarrassed to play again. Their blog comments have been so sparse I figure they must be hiding in shame.
 

Bri & Doug - 16

1. Kenny - 10

2. Iggy - 5

3. Diggy - 3

4. DeMario - -2
Spoiler alert: DeMario is going to get negative points on Bachelor in Paradise as well. Don't draft him for any Paradise pools, B&D.

Hometowns

Synopsis

Rachel went to Baltimore to meet Eric, who danced and said "hey" a lot. It was a stereotypically crappy gray day. They played basketball. Rachel played in semi-heels, impressing Melissa. Rachel made a long shot, impressing me. A guy named Ralph showed up. Ralph left and they went to a tower. It was unclear if it was one of the towers from The Wire. They went to an apartment in the tower and were greeted by a large group of people, mostly women, mostly Eric's family. The kohlrabi turned out to be a good addition to my signature stir-fry even though I didn't peel it. Eric's aunt Verna talked with Rachel about race, then about Eric. Meanwhile Eric talked with a woman in a red dress. I asked if she was Eric's sister and Melissa informed me she was in fact his mother. Eric hinted he was in love with Rachel. "What I mean by that is I really care about you. Like, a lot," he finished.

Next Rachel went down to Miami to make out with Bryan. They went to Domino Park where some old guys destroyed them in dominoes. Then they went to Calle Ocho and danced. They made out some more before going to Bryan's parents' house. There were a lot of people there. "So if he's an only child, who are these other people?" I wondered. "Neighbors," Melissa speculated. Bryan told his mom Olga he believed Rachel was the one. Olga expressed skepticism because Bryan had been with "so many girls." Rachel talked to an unidentified young woman who Melissa speculated was a boom holder or an intern. Olga talked with Rachel and approved her after making a physical read of her eyes. Then Olga cried. Bryan told Rachel he was in love with her on a bench near the house. 

Rachel then went to Madison, Wisconsin to hug and kiss Peter. They went to a farmers market, inspiring a fist-pump from Melissa. After eating pickles they went to a bar and hung out with Peter's friends. Peter had said eight of his ten friends were black; if so, both of his white friends were there. They went to a neighborhood called Cottage Grove and met Peter's family. Peter's interactions with his niece impressed Rachel and Melissa. Both Rachel and Peter had boring conversations with his mom Lynn. Then Peter had a boring conversation with Rachel. "I don't know what else to say," he said. "I'm very happy now." "And I am very happy too," Rachel responded. 

Finally Dean and Rachel went to "Aspen" which appeared to be somewhere down the Roaring Fork Valley closer to Carbondale. They rode ATVs, frightening some horses. Then they drank champagne while sitting on hay bales. Dean announced he was "legitimately terrified" to enter his father's house to see his family. He walked inside where a group of people were sitting on a floor. "Sup pops," Dean said. "Sup squad." Dean's dad administered what Melissa knew to be called "a gong bath" where he banged a gong and muttered. Then Dean's dad gave Rachel some feathers. They served mung beans and vegetables with rice. Dean claimed the food looked good but he didn't have room due to eating recently. Dean's sister cried while talking to Rachel. Dean's dad gave himself credit for being a good father because Dean was good. Then they had a contentious discussion which possibly caused Dean to cry and certainly curse. Rachel attempted to talk to Dean's dad but he quickly exited. Rachel then spoke with Dean while his dad watched them through a window. Dean told Rachel he was falling in love with her and she reciprocated.

They held a Rose Ceremony in a skyscraper in Dallas. Rachel had a boring conversation with Chris Harrison before the vote-out. Melissa sighed nervously, then noted each of the men stood in a "power stance." Much to our surprise, Eric got the second rose and Dean busted out. He had to go 27 floors down an elevator to reach the hearse, wherein he cried.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 37

1. Bryan - 18

2. Alex - 10

3. Adam - 8

4. Blake - 1

I still like Bryan over Peter, but if the Colombian-Russian?-American falters, we could overtake Andie & Eric for the championship. That's only if we uphold the +3 last team standing bonus Eric has been (reasonably) clamoring about in the comments. It could be a controversial photo finish reminiscent of recent American presidential elections.

Melissa & Tom - 32

1. Peter - 21

2. Josiah - 7

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

It's looking like a Bryan/Peter final after Eric's supposed exit next week. If Peter wins it over Bryan in the final and no funny business goes down, the pool will finish in a tie. If Bryan cries and Peter doesn't, that will push A&E to the title. If either steals extra time, that will swing the pool. It may well come down to the closing minutes of the season.

Julia & Paul - 31

1. Dean - 21

2. Anthony - 7

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1
Dean's youth finally caught up to him. It wasn't his wacky dad. He was just too young. But he isn't too young for Bachelorhood. I imagine they'll load his season up with immature milennials, crazy cougars, and a few legitimate prospects. It should be a pretty straightforward season.

Andrea & Zack - 25

1. Eric - 19

2. Will - 7

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2
Eric persists! His Cinderella run to Fantasy Suites will be the end of the line though. He's fine, but he doesn't possess the firepower of Bryan or the mature reliability of Peter. Even if I'm wrong and he runs the gauntlet, A to Z will still come up short of the top teams.

Kelly & Phil - 16

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 7

3. Lee - 5

4. Blake - 1
Do we flip a coin to see who picks first next season? I would argue Bri & Doug should win the tiebreaker since they got bad-beated by DeMario, but does "winning the tiebreaker" mean picking first or second? Maybe they should choose. They need every bit of help they can get.
 

Bri & Doug - 16

1. Kenny - 10

2. Iggy - 5

3. Diggy - 3

4. DeMario - -2
Next season will be a crossroads for B&D. With the first or second pick, they'll have an opportunity to right the ship. Another Kennyesque choice would be hard to live down.

Episode Seven

Synopsis

Paul and I watched the Bachelorette on our off day in between days 1 and 2 of the WSOP Main Event. Paul was nice enough to come over and help deliver all the recycling from six weeks at the house to a center in North Las Vegas because Vegas doesn’t do standard recycling for normal people. They went to Switzerland. Rachel chose Bryan to go on his second one-on-one date before Adam and Matt got their first, tilting the latter two. Bryan and Rachel got in a nice silver car that impressed Paul. They went to a watch store and Rachel bought Bryan and her matching watches. Paul expressed skepticism that she actually purchased them. “I’m proposing that that’s all bulls**t and the show just bought them,” he stated.

They made out on a boat while Adam and Matt tilted together. “These guys have to know they’re drawing dead, right?” I asked. Paul said he’d still be holding out hope if he was one of them. At night Bryan and Rachel talked at a dinner table. She said she hated private school. Bryan said his last relationship fizzled because his ex wouldn’t compromise with his mom. Bailey did his cute dreamshaking thing but his paw was touching the remote control giving me anxiety he was going to change the channel. They made out in front of a small symphony (Bryan and Rachel, not Bailey and the remote control).

Dean got to go on the next one-on-one date, further tilting Adam and Matt. “Don’t punch me in the face,” Dean said. They went to church. Then they danced in the street. Dean talked about Aspen as if he lived there which was interesting because his location is always listed as Venice Beach. Dean expressed anxiety over Rachel meeting his family because it wasn’t a traditional family. “Are his parents gay or something?” Paul wondered. They drank white wine. Dean asked Rachel if she believed in the Tooth Fairy. Rachel tried to get serious. Then Dean asked Rachel about dinosaurs. “Dean what the f&$k?!” Paul exclaimed. At night Rachel continued to press Dean into seriousness. He finally got serious and told Rachel his dad was immature and eccentric. It worked. Rachel gave him the date rose, committing to hometowns.

Rachel and Peter took a helicopter ride in the Alps. They lowered their headphone talking speakers to make out. They went dogsledding on Glacier 3000. Paul said he would love to do that and wondered where Peter’s beanie was. They made out on the glacier. Then they drank in an elegant room. It appeared Peter was drinking coke or soda but he said it was “really good” implying it was liquor of some sort. Rachel asked him if he’d ever brought home a black girl and he said he’d never dated a black girl. Then he told her about breaking up with his ex and started crying.

Adam, Eric, Matt and Rachel went on a four-person date. “My relationship is probably stronger than anyone else’s in the house,” Adam stated. Paul and I couldn’t believe he actually said that so we rewinded to see if he actually did. He actually did. They drank wine on a boat. Then they went to a chateau in France and drank more wine. Adam continued to express disdain for the word “difficult.” Paul laughed, possibly because he described doing a triathlon to me earlier in the day and that sounded pretty freaking difficult. Matt and Rachel talked for a bit and Rachel started weeping and bid him adieu. Matt took his glass of wine into the hearse.

Rachel talked with Adam and Eric at night. She expressed concern that Eric had never brought a girl home. Paul said she was going with Adam and I said I thought Eric. We didn’t bet on it for some reason. Rachel told them she was going with her gut and chose Eric. In the hearse, Adam expressed bitterness, saying Rachel “made a massive mistake” and should have met his family. “You think your family can pick up the slack for where your relationship was lacking?” Paul asked incredulously.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 33

1. Bryan - 14

2. Alex - 10

3. Adam - 8

4. Blake - 1

Bryan is still The Frontrunner in my eyes, but Paul feels differently. He thinks Peter is the favorite and said the Wisconsinite was tops on he and Julia's board from the beginning, with Dean second. He had a hearty laugh at them lasting till the end of the first round. Personally I only see Bryan faltering if a bombshell drops down the stretch. Bryan seems like a guy that could have skeletons in his closet, but the trailers haven't hyped much in terms of surprise and devastation - and you know they would if it was going to happen.

Melissa & Tom - 28

1. Peter - 17

2. Josiah - 7

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

Whether or not Peter is now the favorite is up for discussion, but there's no question he had an excellent episode. He's playing a confident, patient game, letting his opponents make mistakes. He should have no trouble coasting through hometowns, and appears to have surged past Dean - whose age finally showed up this week.

Julia & Paul - 26

1. Dean - 16

2. Anthony - 7

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1
Sketchy episode for Dean. Just when it started looking like he could overcome the age gap, he went and responded to Rachel's attempts at deep conversation with rebuttals about the Tooth Fairy and dinosaurs. Eventually he was able to summon the heartstrings, but it may have been too little too late. The fun fling period of the show is giving way to the more serious relationship portion, and previews of Dean's crackpot dad don't bode well. Regardless, he'll be the next Bachelor.

Andrea & Zack - 21

1. Eric - 15

2. Will - 7

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2
Eric could sneak into Fantasy Suites if one of his three competitors melts down, which could certainly happen. This team won't win, but Eric managed to guide them out of the Bottom Feeder Tier.

Kelly & Phil - 16

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 7

3. Lee - 5

4. Blake - 1
Matt and Adam got -2 for busting out on that 3-on-1 date: one point for going on a group date and minus three for exiting the show prematurely and involuntarily. I'm not saying this is fair, but it was the only way to score it according to our current points system. We could discuss amending these rules in the offseason. This unfortunate deduction cast K&P down into a tie for last place.
 

Bri & Doug - 16

1. Kenny - 10

2. Iggy - 5

3. Diggy - 3

4. DeMario - -2
Rachel doesn't screw around. I love it. She knows who she likes and takes care of business. She seems to have power over the "producers" we always blame for whichever loudmouth hangs around longer than we think they should. I heard the ratings were down for this season, which I don't understand. I guess people like watching trainwrecks. Rachel is my favorite Bachelorette since I've been watching.

Episodes Five & Six

Synopsis

Episode Five

A semi-engaged Wolf and SamENole joined me on the couch in Vegas for the fortnight-anticipated fifth episode of Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette. Bryan talked to Rachel on a boat at night before his signature wild kiss. Kenny called Lee a “disingenuous snake” and told him to “respect me to the hills.” “I have no doubt in my mind that you’re a sack of bleeding muscle right now,” Lee said. “I know cause you’re caught in your snakey ways,” Kenny said. “Bye snakey. Bye snakey.” Rachel gave Bryan the date rose and bid the guys goodnight. Kenny gave him props. “It’s very important not being a bitch-ass dude,” he complimented. Then he told Lee he was a bitch several times.

Jack Stone and Rachel rode in a horse-drawn carriage around Bluffton. They ate oysters with hot sauce, grossing out SamENole. Jack Stone awkwardly kissed, hugged and held hands with Rachel on a pier. Lee and Will had a conversation regarding the word “aggressive” and its racial connotations in America. Wolf was nose-deep in his book, but noted how “smiley” Jack Stone was. Nole was nose-deep in his phone, but asked if a player got negative points if they didn't survive a date. Indeed they do. “It’s about to happen,” Nole said. “The music…” He was right. Rachel got rid of Jack Stone. “In his defense maybe the reason Rachel doesn’t feel a connection is because she is battling a cold and would only feel a deep connection with her couch and a box of kleenex,” Melissa noted from Louisville. “Poor thing.” She also noted that Jack Stone reminded her of Brooks, but didn’t say if it was Brooks Lustig or the Brooks who rejected Desiree the Bachelorette.

Wolf tapped out. Adam expressed anxiety over the Rose Ceremony. “Like, the mood got real,” he said. “If I don’t get a rose tonight I’d feel disappointed.” Bailey snuggled up to Nole, who noted that Josiah looked like Draymond Green. Kenny called Lee a “Leezard” and made a slithering motion with his hands. Rachel got rid of Iggy and the Tickle Monster, who went out the way he came in – with a tickle. “So, the Tickle Monster didn’t get a rose tonight,” he sighed. “I gotta get back out there and look for a girl who appreciates a good set of ticklin’s.” Iggy cried.

They went to Oslo. “This is probably the first time there’s been this many black people in Norway,” Nole said. Bryan and Rachel rode a bus and a train. “Is this guy from Miami?” Nole asked. “He seems like a ‘Canes fan.” They went to the top of a ski jump. They rappelled off it. They made out halfway down. “How romantic,” Nole said. He said something about me to Wes I didn’t catch and Wes laughed loudly. Bryan and Rachel drank beer on a patio. Nole read what I was writing over my shoulder. Bailey stole his seat on the couch.

Rachel wore a lot of gold mascara to dinner. Wes came down to do laundry. He and Nole recounted the tale of how I didn’t realize the lint drawer in my dryer was full for a few months after I moved into my condo. Wolf came down the stairs playing a ukulele in his underwear. Paul busted out of the WSOP Bounty tournament in a 260 big blind pot.

Lee said “shocker” similar to how Melissa always said it. Perhaps she will re-evaluate saying it so much now. Kenny referred to himself in the third person, causing Wolf to suck his breath in. A bunch of dudes went to play handball with Rachel and a guy named Coach Tom. “Handball is a very physical sport,” Coach Tom said. “Handball is life.” “I don’t have Donald Trump hands, I have real hands,” Josiah joked. Alex made a nice move. Rachel threw like a girl. Peter appeared to grab Rachel’s breast before picking her up. Dean tied her shoes. Will made a great steal and score. Dean made a no-look pass. “I could have blocked most of these shots,” Wes said. The red team ended on a 11-1 run.

Kenny cried while talking to his daughter on FaceTime. Lee lifted weights in jeans and boots, then read books. Wes and I discussed going to Black Mountain Grill, igniting a conversation on cooking steaks between him and Wolf. Wes admitted he wasn’t very good at cooking steaks, which surprised Wolf, perhaps because Wes is a father from Alabama. Will and Alex had productive conversations with Rachel. Josiah told Rachel he thought she was the one for him. She told him he rarely asked questions about her while some ominous music played. “Draymond’s going home,” Nole said. Adam (the housemate, not the contestant) entered the room and gave us an unasked-for update on his WSOP fantasy team. Peter and Rachel went outside and made out in a hot tub. Will got the date rose.

Kenny, Lee and Rachel went for a helicopter ride to a place called Hobøl. “It’s just a fight to the death in the wilderness,” Nole said. Kenny spoke with Rachel and she noted his sincerity. Lee spoke with Rachel and she said “I know there are truths in what they are saying, and I feel like there are exaggerations in what they are saying. I don’t know who to believe at this point.” She was talking about Kenny and Lee, not Fox News and CNN. “This short stack southern piece of garbage…” Kenny started chortling. “Oh God. Oh God. Oh God oh God oh God, oh GOD, OH GOD. He just flat out lied. This f**ker is grasping at straws. Good f**kin’ lord. He will get washed under in a tide of realness that is Kenny,” he said and continued chortling.

Episode Six

I watched this one solo on my computer on Melissa's Hulu account. Kenny and Lee had an argument over whether or not Lee told Rachel that Lee pulled Kenny out of a van. “You garbage ****** ******** piece of ******” Kenny said. “Jesus loves you,” Lee responded. “You know what, Jesus don’t love you, cause you a piece of ****. I’m’a drag my **** across your grave, you son of a bitch, rotten piece of bas****. Eat **** and die,” Kenny said. Adam the housemate came out of his room, went to the bathroom and started vomiting loudly. I was watching on my computer with headphones so it wasn’t related to his distaste for the show. It was the second time in three days a housemate had vomited profusely. Poor Wolf had food poisoning a couple nights ago. Rachel said ha det to Lee and left him in the Norwegian wood (coincidentally one of Adam’s favorite songs). She didn’t give Kenny the rose, but allowed him to stay on the show. Kenny said one more slew of “Oh Gods”, had one final confrontation with Lee, then returned to Oslo with a tilted Rachel in the helicopter.  

Wolf doubled up with ace-king against queens near the bubble of the WSOP $1500. Kenny explained why he went back to confront Lee in a way that pleased Rachel so she gave him a rose. Then he Facetimed his daughter who was very cute and he cried.  

At the Rose Ceremony, Rachel got rid of an overconfident Josiah and a reserved Anthony, crippling our team and the defending champs. I imagined Big Eric Schwartz yelling “BAM!” when Adam and Alex got roses. Josiah made fun of both as well as Matt the Penguin on his way out.

They went to a hotel in Denmark. Eric and Rachel drank champagne on a boat. Rachel said she liked to drink beer, eat food and watch sports at bars, and wanted to have four kids. Eric said he wanted ten. They went hottubbing. A naked beer-swilling Dane stood up and yelled. They made out in the hot tub (Eric and Rachel, not the naked Dane and his beer. Actually, the latter couple probably did too.) At night they went to an amusement park called Tivoli. They drove bumper cars and played whack-a-mole before having a conversation at a dinner table with hamburgers which they didn’t appear to eat.

I resumed watching at 5 AM after going to Walmart to get a 9-volt battery for the smoke alarm which decided to start chirping during what Zack says is “the time when nothing good happens” (4-6 AM). Some guys rowed oars on a ship and yelled. Then they dressed up as “wykings” and yelled some more. They played some wrestling games in a circle and Kenny and Adam were declared winners. Their prize was a final battle in the circle. Kenny won. Both bled. They showed the shot of Kenny bleeding that had been repeatedly teased as a house fight in about seven trailers including the one last week pretending it was from a fight with Lee.

At night Rachel had conversations with the guys at a quiet club while I devoured leftover Chipotle. Her conversation with Kenny was bittersweet and culminated in her telling him “I think you should go home.” So he did. He FaceTimed his daughter from the hearse and cried. Peter got the group date rose.

Rachel and Will took “a boat to another country” in Will’s words. That other country was Sweden. It was pretty obvious Rachel was trying to check it off the list of Scandinavian countries since they’d been to Norway and Denmark and she’d gone to Finland with Nick V. They did a variety of activities including throwing sticks, eating dough, drinking coffee with old people, and standing awkwardly on top of a castle.

At night they went back to Copenhagen and Will told Rachel he typically dated white girls. He also told her he was physically passionate in relationships which backfired because Rachel felt like he hadn’t been that way with her. She got rid of him. Melissa noted he was sent home before eating his dinner and didn’t even get a to-go box.

Although Rachel cried at the Rose Ceremony, it was anticlimactic because it came down to Adam and Alex who were both on Eric Schwartz’s team. Rachel ousted Alex.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 32

1. Bryan - 11

2. Alex - 10

3. Adam - 10

4. Blake - 1

This shrewdly-drafted team appears ticketed for a title. Getting this deep with three players is impressive; the fact that one of them is Bryan the Frontrunner nearly seals it for Big Eric. 

Melissa & Tom - 24

1. Peter - 13

2. Josiah - 7

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

Could Peter win? Maybe. He seems to be trailing Bryan and Dean, but those two could potentially spring leaks down the stretch. Peter won't screw it up, but he'll need a skeleton to come out of Bryan's closet to upend him. The trailers don't hint at any upcoming bombshells, so a second or third place finish seems likely.

Julia & Paul - 23

1. Dean - 13

2. Anthony - 7

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1
I think Dean's season will be decent. I imagine a diverse cast of cougars and starf*ckers competing for his affections, and him wading through the muck with that consistent smile of his. The two-time defending champs have fallen eleven points back, so they'll need a major meltdown from the Colombian Chiropractor to have a shot. 

Andrea & Zack - 18

1. Eric - 12

2. Will - 7

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2

Eric breathed some life into this team before Will sucked it out on top of that castle. A fourth place finish for both Eric and this team appears likely.

Kelly & Phil - 18

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 9

3. Lee - 5

4. Blake - 1
When Matt the Penguin is your last hope, you know it's been a rough season. His departure is imminent, but he clawed out enough points for K&P to avoid a last-place finish.
 

Bri & Doug - 16

1. Kenny - 10

2. Iggy - 5

3. Diggy - 3

4. DeMario - -2

I gave Kenny minus three for "exiting the show prematurely and involuntarily." It could be argued his exit was voluntary, but he wasn't the one to suggest it. I looked back to see if this was the lowest scoring team in pool history. It is the lowest-scoring four-player team we've had if I got the points right. Certainly B&D took a bad beat with DeMario, but their other picks are hard to defend.

Episode Four

Synopsis

Melissa ran the dishwasher the night before we left Las Vegas and we discussed whether it would still be filled with clean dishes when I returned a week later, or if my three housemates would unload it by then. We both ended up betting the clean dishes would still be in there. When Bailey and I got back to the house after an 11-hour drive through northern New Mexico and Arizona, we found a stack of dirty dishes in the sink, the dishwasher full of the clean dishes Melissa had loaded, counters covered in soda cans and Starburst wrappers, and a toilet with a turd floating in it. I took Bailey out, turned on the Bachelorette, paused it, went to Zupas, came back and played the episode.

“My name is in your mouth!” Eric exclaimed to Lee. “That’s what makes me mad!" He continued to yell while I sipped on mushroom bisque. “You do you. I’m’a do me,” he said shortly after, pulling an entry straight out of the Corinne dictionary. Lee broke in on Kenny’s conversation with Rachel, rankling Kenny. Dean complained about Lee, calling him “a bitch” to the cameras. Brady struggled with the word “quirks”, confusing them with the subatomic particles “quarks.” Matt the Penguin made a rare appearance, bursting “whoaaaa!” when Kenny told him Lee had gotten double time with Rachel. Bryan made some nice moves but dropped a “one thousand percent” which is a pet peeve of mine cause nothing can be more than one hundred percent. Then he did his signature aggressive, wild kiss. Meanwhile, in Boulder, Melissa, Andrea and Zack discussed whether Bryce looked more like a chipmunk or a beaver. Kenny confronted Lee about taking his time and Rachel noticed while talking to a contestant I didn’t recognize. Lee called Kenny “Jesus.” Lee predictably got the last rose, while Diggy, Brady and Bryce were sent packing.

They went to Hilton Head. Dean and Rachel drove a jeep to Bluffton, which would be a great location for a PokerStars screenname. They drank champagne on the hood of the jeep while a blimp approached. During the commercial break I transferred trash from this recycle bin which Melissa had clearly labeled to the garbage can. 

Dean expressed fear about riding in the blimp. Rachel and Dean piloted the blimp with a joystick before making out. Then they trolled the guys, flying by their hotel while the blimp flashed a sign that said “Rachel & Dean 4 Eva.” At night they drank intriguing-looking cocktails at what may have been a plantation. Dean said religion and snowboarding was the foundation of his upbringing until his mother died of breast cancer. He smiled and cried. Andrea compared him to Nick for smiling inappropriately. Rachel held off on the tears because she didn’t want him to cry more, but shed a couple to the cameras. Then they went to a concert by someone named Russell Dickerson. Zack predicted a second-place finish for Dean. Andrea pulled up a picture of a young Indiana Jones to prove Dean looked like him, then divulged she used to kiss her pillow and pretend it was Indiana Jones, but wouldn't disclose how long ago this practice took place.

Rachel and a huge group of guys got on boat called The Vagabond and drank cocktails with giant plastic straws, surely tilting Andrea. They danced and did the limbo while Rachel wore a captain’s hat, reminding me of the Booze Cruise episode from The Office which I ranked as the 7th best in the show’s history. Josiah did twenty pushups with Rachel on his back. Kenny and Peter rapped. Then they held a Spelling Bee. Kenny missed “champagne” even though he later showed he knew it. Iggy died on “boudoir”. Eric was way off on “façade”. Peter missed “coitus”. They didn’t show some of the other bustouts. Josiah made a good "use it in a sentence" move with "stunning". Anthony missed “boutonniere” which I missed too and missed again typing up the blog. Will went out in second place on “physiological.” Josiah won it on “polyamorous” and then got polyamorous with the trophy he won. Later he drank his cocktail out of it.

Rachel and Peter talked about whether they would move from their homes. The Boulder crew noted that Peter not-so-subtly said Texas sucks and he would never in a million years live there.  Rachel revealed she was licensed to practice in Wisconsin and would move there. Eric had a successful conversation. Iggy, whose upper body had quickly recovered from last week’s bus-chucking, tossed Josiah under the bus. Once again, he immediately told the victim about his efforts. Once again, the victim was not pleased: Josiah told the cameras Iggy “does drugs and shoots steroids into his nuts.” 

Rachel confronted Lee about his shenanigans at the cocktail party. Lee called Kenny a “butthole” and a “220 pound *%$# ballerina” to the cameras. Kenny freestyled some more for Rachel before she asked him about Lee. He said a lot of stuff while I was distracted by Matt Viox (not SamENole Matt and not Matt from last episode’s blog, Matt who is PiMaster's brother) telling me he won $115k in fantasy baseball but I did manage to catch Kenny calling Lee "an alternative facts piece of garbage” and “a reptilian piece of garbage.” Then Adam (not Adam from the show, Adam the poker-playing housemate) came home and instantly launched into a bad beat story. The twist was the bad beat story was about a big dinner he just had with a bunch of his parents’ friends, not the $20k he lost playing poker earlier in the day. Kenny confronted Lee as some intense music crescendoed. “There’s a fight that’s gonna happen. Blood’s gonna be shed,” Alex said as the “TO BE CONTINUED” flashed across the screen. 

Standings

Julia & Paul - 17

1. Dean - 9

2. Anthony - 5

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1

Dean busted out a five-point episode on the strength of a group date and impressive one-on-one complete with crying. He's the most obvious Next Bachelor since I’ve been watching the show. The age gap may catch up to him in the final episodes, but that won’t be a problem when he’s doing the picking next season.

Andie & Eric - 16

1. Bryan - 4

2. Alex - 6

3. Adam - 5

4. Blake - 1

Alex and Adam have both somehow outscored Bryan to this point, which could be crucial down the stretch since Bryan has fallen five points behind Dean.

Melissa & Tom - 15

1. Peter - 6

2. Josiah - 5

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

Though we grabbed the last team standing bonus (a ruling which could change if anyone ever commented on this blog), we've since dropped below our competitors in players left. Josiah will have to outlast the Alexes, Adams and Anthonys of the world for us to have a shot.

Kelly & Phil - 14

1. Jack - 4

2. Matt - 4

3. Lee - 5

4. Blake - 1

Jack Stone continues to underwhelm, Matt isn't doing anything and Rachel hasn't shown much patience for villains. However, Stone has a one-on-one pending and could potentially pull a Whitney and make a late-season charge.

Andrea & Zack - 10

1. Eric - 6

2. Will - 5

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2

Andrea is apparently rooting for our team now. Welcome aboard the bandwagon!

Bri & Doug - 9

1. Kenny - 5

2. Iggy - 4

3. Diggy - 2

4. DeMario - -2

Kenny, Iggy and Diggy have a better shot of turning up in a nursery rhyme parody than Fantasy Suites. The good news for B&D is Bachelor in Paradise is set to resume filming after producers were exonerated in the Corinne/DeMario scandal.

Episode Three

Synopsis

Melissa, Bailey and I arrived in Vegas just in time to grab some Zupas and figure out the TV at our WSOP rental house before the third episode of The Bachelorette began. We didn't even unpack the Prius. DeMario tried to get back on the show. Rachel wouldn’t let him.

At the cocktail party, The Tickle Monster broke out a pair of gigantic cushion-hands. Alex broke out a Rubik's cube. Kenny broke out pictures of his daughter. Will broke out a mini basketball & hoop. Blake complained some more about Whaaabooom. Whaaabooom speculated that it was because Blake actually had a crush on him, claiming Blake stood over him eating a banana while he was sleeping. Blake told Rachel that was impossible because he didn’t eat carbs. They jammed a second set of commercials in at the 16-minute mark.

At the rose ceremony, Blake said it would be “a classic case of bad defeating good” if Whaaabooom got a rose over him. Our housemate Matt (not SamENole who is a different Matt) asked me about the hand that decimated his stack in the Colossus. We had a 10-minute discussion about the hand while Melissa Instagrammed. “If Lucas gets a rose, another little piece of me dies,” Blake said. “I am very confident I am going to get a rose, because I deserve it." Rachel got rid of both Blake and Whaaabooom along with someone named Jamey. “He lives in my town. I can’t get rid of him,” Blake said. “You live in L.A.,” I said.

Blake came up to Whaaabooom and put his arm around him. “I just wanna say, f*** you bro, you’re a piece of s***, you’re here for the wrong reasons, I got drug into your bulls***, I see right through you, I know why you’re here, and it kills me,“ Blake said. Whaaabooom made fun of him. Blake continued his tirade with some fake whaaaboooms. The argument degenerated into them shhhing each other. “Graceful exit for both of these guys,” Matt said.

Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, Fred and Rachel went to see Ellen Degeneres, which enthused Melissa. For the first time I realized Ellen’s last name started with “Degen”. Ellen tickled the Tickle Monster. Rachel and the guys went on the show. The Tickle Monster was surprised to learn someone had kissed Rachel already. “Maybe it was a kiss on the cheek,” he wondered hopefully. “It wasn’t,” Melissa said.

I looked up and the guys had their shirts off and were dancing in the crowd getting dollar bills stuffed in their pants by the audience. Alex twerked. “I think that guy’s done that before,” Matt speculated. “I think he lied about his profession.” They played Never Have I Ever. Alex admitted he’d peed in the pool at the mansion. Three guys said they’d texted a nude photo, including Alex. “It was classy,” he said. “Yeah. Like his dancing,” Matt said. Fred said he’d dated someone twice his age, which didn’t surprise Rachel.

They went to a loft to drink. Alex, who Matt was now referring to as “The Pool-Pee-er”, told Rachel some stuff about eye movement that would be useful for poker players before making out with her. Fred asked Rachel if he could kiss her, which made her feel awkward. Then he made out with her, but we all agreed it was what Matt called a “dismissive kiss.” Moments later Rachel got rid of Fred. We had a discussion about whether he cried. “His eyes were sparkling!” Matt said. “Squeeze it out!” Melissa exclaimed. Alex got the date rose. We didn't give Fred a point for crying.

While fast-forwarding through the 6^th commercial break, Matt said he didn’t like the women in L.A. because they were too skinny, and many didn’t look right because of their “augmentation.” Melissa told a yoga story about a woman whose fake boobs looked weird when she laid down. Anthony and Rachel rode horses down Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills where Melissa and I went a couple months ago. We also just watched the movie Beverly Hills Cop which mostly takes place there. They rode the horses into a store and shopped for boots. Matt was convinced at least one of the horses pooped in the store, but they didn’t show it. But they did show the horse’s poop in the next store where they went. They blurred the horse poop for some reason. “Some poor intern had to clean that up,” Melissa said. “Who’s the lowest man on the totem pole?"

Anthony and Rachel danced in front of a jazz quartet. Bailey gave me the “please can I get on the couch?” look for a third time. I didn’t know if he could so he had to stay on the floor. Eric had a bit of a meltdown. Rachel came into the house with some girls from the last season, including a sober-looking Raven. They got on a bus with a pole in it. Several of the guys danced with the pole. Raven asked Bryce and Lee who was there for the wrong reasons and they both immediately threw Eric under the bus (not the bus with the pole in it, the figurative bus).

They went mud wrestling. Kenny the professional wrestler talked a lot of trash, then lost to Bryce. Kenny told Rachel he used to be a Chippendales dancer in Vegas, then ripped his shirt off and danced for her. Rachel told Eric that Bryce and Lee threw him under the bus. Eric confronted them about it. Then he got the date rose.

At the cocktail party, Rachel appeared to drink beer out of a cocktail glass, impressing me and Melissa. Iggy had a conversation with Rachel about Eric, followed by a conversation with Eric recounting his conversation with Rachel. Eric then had a conversation with Rachel recounting his conversation with Iggy. Then Eric had a conversation with all of the guys about Eric.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 11

1. Bryan - 2

2. Alex - 5

3. Adam - 3

4. Blake - 1

Alex is the key guy here. If he can outscore the other second-round picks (all drafted before him), this team will go places. Bryan remains the frontrunner.

Melissa & Tom - 11

1. Peter - 4

2. Josiah - 3

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

We snagged the bonus simply by spotting an accidental spoiler on DeMario and avoiding Blake. Bryce defeated a professional wrestler at wrestling and still didn't win the date rose, so he'll be out soon.

Julia & Paul - 11

1. Dean - 4

2. Anthony - 4

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1

Anthony's date with Rachel was blah and used up most of the clips of him shown in the trailer, so he's looking like an 8th place sort of fellow. Brady's Zoolander impression at the end of the show was too "accurate" for him to last much longer. It will be a surprise if he's still around half an hour into next week's show. It's all about Dean for the 2x defending champs - but Dean is going to score a lot of points.

Kelly & Phil - 9

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 2

3. Lee - 3

4. Blake - 1

Jack Stone has been a major disappointment thus far. Will he step it up? Matt the Penguin was invisible this episode - I had to check to see if we missed him busting out of the Rose Ceremony near the beginning of the show. Lee's descent into darkness has begun. He may do some damage on his way out though.

Andrea & Zack - 7

1. Eric - 5

2. Will - 3

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2

This is a bad team, but it is better than A to Z's pitiful Survivor squad. Eric is standing on shaky ground. Will is likable but hasn't gotten enough screen time to be taken seriously.

Bri & Doug - 5

1. Kenny - 3

2. Iggy - 2

3. Diggy - 2

4. DeMario - -2

Nothing to see here. DeMario was a bad beat that we could do something about, but his dismissal won't matter. Neither team that chose him has a chance.

Episode One, The Draft & Episode Two

Synopsis

Episode One

They took a lot of photos of Rachel in a red dress with red roses in front of a white backdrop that I’ll be using in this blog over the next couple months. Rachel showed off her basketball skills in Dallas before going to L.A. with an injured dog. There were vignettes for a professional wrestler with a cute daughter, a Dallas lawyer with a dog named Jack Stone (the lawyer, not the dog), a meathead coder from Michigan, a young startup guy, a silly “whaboom” who looked like Josh Ritter, a meathead who kept talking about sex, a handsome guy named Diggy and a prosecutor from Florida whose brother hung himself.

Rachel drove a Tesla (which excited Melissa and me) to hang out with a bunch of her competitors from the last season, including a stoned-looking Raven. Melissa liked the dress Rachel wore to the wet driveway. My notes on the contestants as they came out:

Peter – Wisconsin business owner

Josiah – FL prosecutor brother hung himself

Bryan – Colombian chiropractor

Kenny – Professional wrestler

Rob – Law student not handsome

Iggy – Consulting CEO not handsome

Bryce – Firefighter

Will – Good slipping joke

Diggy – handsome & good

Kyle – marketing bun & cheese joke

Blake K – Marine not handsome

Brady – model icebreaker joke

Dean – want to go black never go back. too young

Eric – personal trainer dance

DeMario – elope tickets guy

Blake E – “never date a snare player” – Melissa (meathead sex guy)

Fred – Dallas went to same middle school “very bad kid”

Jonathan – “very large nose” – Melissa (Tickle Monster)

Lee – obligatory singer/songwriter from Nashville

Alex – vacuum prop

Milton – polaroid prop

Adam – Dallas real estate ventriloquist prop

Matt – penguin

Grant? – emergency physician

Anthony – education software Chicago

Jamey – Santa Monica sales exec

Jack – Stone

Mohit – young startup guy

Jedidiah – ER physician

Michael – former pro basketball player

Lucas – whaboom

Someone said it was a diverse group, but most of the guys were from Los Angeles. Josiah grabbed Rachel first. The Colombian Chiropractor made a good impression and aggressively made out with her. Bailey did a whaboom. DeMario talked a lot and talked himself up a lot. Mohit struggled to find time to talk with Rachel and struggled with alcohol. The whaboom guy made a lot of noise and juggled, enraging the aspiring drummer. “I think everyone has a little whaboom in them,” the whaboom guy said. “I have no whaboom in me,” the aspiring drummer said. “I will reavaluate life itself [if whaboom guy gets a rose],” someone said. The Colombian Chiropractor got the First Impression Rose and aggressively made out with Rachel again.

At the dawn Rose Ceremony, Rachel filtered out one of the guys who wasn’t handsome, the marine, the pink tie, a few they didn’t even show closely enough to tell who they were (one turned out to be Mohit), and Milton, who cried because he’d bought so many expensive outfits to wear on the show only to be beaten by whaboom and a guy in a penguin costume.

The Draft

1. A&E - Bryan
2. B&D - Kenny
3. K&P - Jack
4. A&Z - Eric
5. M&T - Peter
6. J&P - Dean
7. J&P - Anthony
8. M&T - Josiah
9. A&Z - Will
10. K&P - Matt
11. B&D - Iggy
12. A&E - Alex
13. A&E - Adam
14. B&D - Diggy
15. K&P - Lee
16. A&Z - Jamey
17. M&T - Fred
18. J&P - Brady

Dreg Picks

A&E: Blake
B&D: DeMario

K&P: Blake

A&Z: DeMario

M&T: Bryce
J&P: Blake

Superdregs (unpicked)
Jonathan

Lucas

Episode Two

Melissa learned how hard it is to set up a proper list of the teams on a dry-erase board (it really is) as the dudes told Chris Harrison how good Rachel smelled. Some guys went on a group date in a grassy park. A shot of Rachel grilling dead animal flesh inspired Melissa to ask if it would elicit a dead animal comment from me in the blog. The guys played touch football. Whaaaboooom blew an easy catch, leading to a pick-six. “Lucas is garbage,” Blake said. “The one person who could ruin this for him is me. And I’m going to.”

 

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis came by to explain an obstacle course that was supposed to mimic house chores with an infant represented by a doll. Ashton said he didn’t think Rachel’s husband was in the group, then said he “knew on day one” Mila would be his wife – conveniently forgetting he was married to Demi Moore for six years in between meeting Mila and dating and marrying her. Whaaaboooom dunked his baby in the water repeatedly before stiff-arming Kenny, winning the race, spiking his baby into the ground and whaaabooooming. “I don’t even know what that was,” Ashton said.

They went to a warehouse/bar/restaurant/vintage sign gallery/arcade/lodge. Whaaaboooom read Rachel a poem. “I am having a very hard time seeing you past the kid who used to be in summer camp,” Rachel told Fred. “You always remember the bad ones. You were bad.” A guy we couldn’t identify weakly complimented Rachel and I decided to call him “Poor Man’s Bryan” from then on. Melissa observed how heavily Iggy was sweating. Blake dropped the first “right reasons” of the season in regards to Whaaaboooom and told Rachel he was roommates with Whaaaboooom’s ex. It was unclear if that was a lie. “I’m already sick of the drama,” Melissa sighed. Bailey began doing his gyration-snoring thing. “If y’all want to get on a merry-go-round, take your asses to Santa Monica and get on the merry-go-round,” Kenny said. Melissa and I are planning to take our asses to Santa Monica on Friday and get on the roller coaster. Dean got the date rose and made out with Rachel, spurring the 2x defending champs to an early lead.

Peter drove with Rachel in a Tesla to an airport where they met Rachel’s dog Copper, who arrived in a limousine. They flew in a small plane to Palm Springs, erasing the good environmental karma they’d gained by driving the Tesla. They went to “Barkfest”, a pool party with dogs. The date appeared to go well, which was good news for Melissa and me. “Right now, Peter is blowing my mind,” Rachel said before barking. Bailey didn’t wake. Peter told Rachel he’d gone to a relationship therapist and Rachel said she’d done the same. It was unclear if Dr. Kelly Sonnenfeld was one of the therapists. Peter got the date rose and made out with Rachel. “It does look like he’s a good kisser,” Melissa said. “Damn.”

A bunch of dudes went to play basketball with Rachel and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. DeMario was excited to play and Josiah was excited about Rachel’s appearance. “She had on some legging-tights that fit her body like a Coca-Cola bottle,” he raved. Josiah, Lee, and someone with a blue shirt and mini-ponytail were bad. DeMario dunked on Rachel. They played a game in front of lot of people including a marching band. Melissa spotted a sousaphone and did a fistpump. #4 made a slick behind-the-back assist which I rewound and watched twice to try to figure out who it was (and also cause it was a sweet play). DeMario was good, but his team (which also had the unidentified behind-the-back passer) lost.

A woman named Lexie showed up and said she’d been dating DeMario right up until he’d gone on the show without even breaking up with her. There was a breakneck three-way conversation filled with accusations and arguing wherein DeMario said “correct” half a dozen times. It culminated in Lexie breaking out a cell phone to show Rachel incriminating text messages. “You’re literally a piece of trash,” Lexie said to DeMario. “I’m really gonna need you to get the f___ out,” Rachel said. DeMario got the f___ out.

Josiah capitalized on DeMario’s downfall by acting hurt and protective, resulting in a makeout with Rachel. Alex sung her an “old Russian folk song about dark eyes” and got her to laugh loudly. Eric won Melissa’s approval by asking Rachel about her love languages before making out with her (Rachel, not Melissa). Josiah got the date rose, perhaps because he used the phrase “alterior motives” in place of “right reasons.” DeMario interrupted the cocktail party to try to talk to Rachel. “I’m gonna whoop DeMario’s ass,” Kenny stated.

Standings

Melissa & Tom - 7

1. Peter - 3

2. Josiah - 3

3. Fred - 1

4. Bryce - 0

It was a pleasing first episode for us after I declared "I hate our team already" two picks in. Peter looks to be in line for a deep run after an excellent first date while Josiah was able to snag a quick group date rose. But here's the thing - we would have DeMario on our team if I hadn't seen that spoiler mentioned in the draft thread, and it probably would have been with our third round draft pick. I don't know what to do here. If DeMario winds up at -2, which he likely will, it's unfair to Bri & Doug and Andrea & Zack having not seen the spoiler. Did anyone else see it? I can't believe y'all would have picked Blake over DeMario if you didn't know something was up. What should we do? 

Julia & Paul - 4

1. Dean - 3

2. Anthony - 0

3. Brady - 0

4. Blake - 1

Dean planted himself firmly in the First Tier, despite his youth. He got a lot of facetime in the big preview trailer and will be going deep. Anthony's early donut is nothing to worry about, as that likely means he'll get a one-on-one as early as next week. I'm not sure who Brady is and Blake is a douche.

Kelly & Phil - 4

1. Jack - 1

2. Matt - 1

3. Lee - 1

4. Blake - 1

Discouraging episode for Jack Stone, who failed to distinguish himself from the pack of white dudes with the same hair & facial hair. It appears Lee is going to start rankling feathers next week, while Blake is a douche.

Andie & Eric - 3

1. Bryan - 0

2. Alex - 1

3. Adam - 1

4. Blake - 1

Bryan will be going on a one-on-one next week and remains The Frontrunner. Alex & Adam are part of that indistinguishable group of dudes with the same hair & facial hair. Blake is a douche.

Andrea & Zack - 1

1. Eric - 1

2. Will - 1

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2

Eric seems likable, but hasn't yet joined the First Tier. Is there any chance DeMario finagles his way back on in the next episode? I doubt it. This looks like the typical Bachelor "cliffhanger" inconsequentially resolved in the first five minutes of the next episode.

Bri & Doug - 1

1. Kenny - 1

2. Iggy - 1

3. Diggy - 1

4. DeMario - -2

I want to make fun of this team because I thought Kenny was an awful pick at #2 overall. But he seems like a good fellow, as do Iggy & Diggy. The DeMario debacle was unfair. We've got to find a solution other than these teams just losing two points.

Fantasy Suites, The Women Tell All, Finale, & After The Final Rose

Synopsis

Fantasy Suites

They went to some viewing parties. One of them had a woman in a shark costume. Andi came by. “What the f**k is she doing here now?” Nick wondered. It appeared she was there to find out if Nick was going to have sex with anyone in fantasy suites. He didn’t speculate. At the rose ceremony Nick dumped Corinne, who cried instantaneously and voraciously. 

They went to Finland. “This is the most northern place I have ever been,” Nick said before walking around in a warm jacket in the snow. I complained to Melissa about Kevin Durant’s injury, which cost us five figures on DraftKings. Melissa didn’t seem to mind. Nick called Raven “the perfect combination of salty and sweet,” which is false because that’s actually Talenti Sea Salt & Caramel gelato which Andrea introduced us to. Then they drank a brown liquor which may have been Jagermeister, then a mysterious blue liquid. Raven agreed to fold clothes if Nick cooked. Then she expressed some trepidation over the upcoming night in the fantasy suite, revealing she’d had sex with only one person and had never had an orgasm.

Raven drank a lot of wine at dinner and told Nick she loved him. “From Nick’s reaction, I feel like he does love me,” she said. “They always think that,” I said. She also told him she’d never had an orgasm before. Nick closed the show by chopping wood and holding it over his head.

"I will say this – Nick is pretty good at what he does,” Raven divulged the morning after. “So I’m pretty satisfied today.” Meanwhile, her ex fashioned a noose in an Arkansas basement. Raven did parkour and snow angels.

Rachel likened Finland to Narnia and said she had “no idea what cross-country skiing is” before doing it. She fell down repeatedly. “That was me, in Vermont, like a thousand times,” Melissa said. They hung out with some reindeer and sipped a warm beverage out of wooden cups. “My deodorant smells really good,” Melissa announced. “Want to smell it?” I did. I didn’t smell anything in particular, so I said it was doing good. The reindeer took them on a sleigh ride while they made out.

For some reason Rachel wore what Melissa called “a belly shirt” exposing her abdomen to the Finnish elements. Rachel told Nick she was falling in love with him while I looked at what went wrong on FanDuel. “That was big!” Melissa exclaimed. “Write that down.” Nick and Rachel spent the night in the fantasy suite. In the morning Nick made eggs and Rachel wore penguin pajamas.

Vanessa was up next. “I love it here!” she exclaimed. “Says the Canadian,” Melissa added. “Our physical relationship has always been hot and steamy,” Nick said. So he decided to repeatedly jump into freezing cold water in swimsuits with her “to cool things down.” “He has a really good body,” Melissa noted. I agreed. “He works really hard on it,” I said. “But he’s always drinking. I don’t get it.” “He never eats,” Melissa said. “Except for that bite of Rachel’s egg he just had.” That wasn’t innuendo. He really did eat Rachel’s egg.

Nick and Vanessa had a conversation in a Finnish yurt which culminated in her telling Nick she was in love with him and me entering a dummy DraftKings lineup for the next day. They spent the night naked in the yurt. “My relationship with Nick is probably the best relationship I’ve ever had,” Vanessa said. “What exactly has she been doing with her life?” I wondered. “Maybe Canadian men aren’t good,” Melissa said. “My experience with them has not been good. 100% of the Canadian men I’ve dated have not been good.” Vanessa cried and Melissa said she didn’t like her dress because of “the boob part.” Nick got rid of Rachel at the rose ceremony. She cried a lot and her mascara smeared.

The Women Tell All

Some girls complained about each other. They gave Liz credit for building wells in Africa. Melissa and I didn't pay much attention. I forgot if this "episode" happened in between fantasy suites or after cause I didn't write it down.

Finale

Chris Harrison hyped the finale, dropping “historic”, “extraordinary” and “something that has never happened before in Bachelor history.” They went to Rovaniemi near the Arctic Circle. Nick said Santa Claus lived there. I thought he lived on the North Pole. Nick's family gathered in a house. Nick’s sister Bella and Nick’s mom, popular recurring characters on the show, were at the house. Nick’s dad Chris was there as well. Raven showed up. Bella asked Raven if she loved Nick and she said yes. “So far I really like you,” Bella said. “I feel really great about my and Nick’s relationship,” Raven told the parents.

Raven and Nick’s mom and then Nick and Nick’s mom had long boring conversations while I antisweated DFS. Antisweating is where you want players to do bad because you will lose money if they do good. Vanessa came over. She talked to Nick’s mom. Nick’s dad told Nick “You haven’t a lot of success” with women. Then he cried while talking to Vanessa, causing her to cry. “Vanessa really convinced me that she loved him,” Nick’s dad said.

Nick talked with his parents. His mom quickly started crying. The Clippers pushed their lead over the Knicks to 14, raising the possibility of a blowout and the starters only playing three quarters which would be excellent. Nick and Vanessa went for a walk in the snow. “Here we are. Got some Nordic traditions,” Nick said. They rode some horses up a hill. “It’s a dream,” Nick said. “It’s literally wow.” They went and hung out with Santa Claus in a wooden cabin. Then they sat around a fire outside and had a boring conversation as the Knicks got within 10 at halftime.

"There’s just something that’s not sitting right,” Vanessa said before crying. “Do you think you’re ready to propose?” Vanessa asked. “I think the week’s not over,” Nick said. “See I don’t like that answer,” Vanessa said. “I know you don’t like that answer,” Nick said. “I don’t want you to give me an answer just because it’s the answer I want to hear,” Vanessa said. Nick said some things to calm her down which sort of worked but it was hard to tell because she kept crying but also kissed him.

Nick and Raven went ice skating while a Sixpence None The Richer song played. “They have such great chemistry!” Melissa exclaimed. “I think it just looks that way when they’re moving around and nice music is playing,” I said. They made out while lying down on the ice. Then they sipped tea out of wooden cups while talking next to a fire. Nick went and got some puppies. Then they went to a place called Ounasvaara Chalets. Like he did with Vanessa, Nick told Raven he liked her a lot but also liked the other one. A Derrick Rose team threatened our top standing in the 42,000 player Layup on FanDuel but the Clippers pushed the lead to 23, but then I realized that was because Chris Paul was crushing and now a team with him was behind us by just 3 fantasy points.

Nick toked a fire while contemplating which woman to choose. He sipped something out of a teacup and stared deep into the fire. Neil the Ring Guy came to see him. “Finally doing it, huh?” Neil asked. “We’ll see,” Nick said. “I just hope this one works,” Neil said. Vanessa cried yet again while looking out a window. She put on high heels and a fur coat or “half of a jacket,” as Melissa called it. Raven said she had been looking for a man like Nick for her “entire adult life” which Melissa noted was six years at most. We dropped out of the lead in the 42,000 player Layup but maintained the lead in the 7,000 player Slam at the end of the 3rd quarter with the Clippers up 25, meaning the starters could potentially sit the rest of the way.

Raven came to a cabin where Nick was waiting and told him she loved him. He laughed. Then he told her he didn’t think he was in love with her and wept. Bailey twitched as he dreamed. Raven cried, hugged Nick, and walked outside into the freezing Finnish air with her arms fully exposed to a howling wind. She escaped the elements in the black hearse.

The show brought one final sweat as Nick announced he was going to ask Vanessa to marry him, raising the possibility that she could reject him and A to Z could win the pool thanks to a rule we put in for the purpose of making these moments sweaty. Speaking of sweaty the Knicks backups cut the lead to 18 early in the 4^th quarter. Vanessa came to the cabin. “So much of me being here has to do with my past, but when I look at you all I see is my future,” Nick said. Melissa thought it was a really good line. Nick proposed to Vanessa and she said yes. 

After The Final Rose

“Fourth time’s a charm,” Chris Harrison said to Nick. “It’s been a long journey,” Nick admitted. Raven came out to talk to Nick. Chris Harrison described Raven as “stoic” for a second time. Raven also described herself as stoic. Nick then noted Raven was stoic. The Knicks cut it to 8 with a minute and a half left but Doc Rivers kept the Clippers starters on the bench. Bless him. We won the Slam on FanDuel and had our biggest winning night of the season. Vanessa came on and referred to things as “challenging” several times. She said she didn’t watch the Fantasy Suites episode. They did the usual schpiel about being excited to start a normal relationship. “Are you guys gonna get married?” Chris Harrison asked. “We’re taking baby steps,” Vanessa said. “We’re still in the process of getting to know each other.”

Rachel came on. “You look like a woman ready to find love,” Chris Harrison said. Harrison revealed “an epic surprise” of some guys that would be on the next Bachelorette with her. The first guy DeMario said they could elope to Vegas right then. The next guy Blake told her she looked good and smelled good. Harrison pointlessly interrupted for a bit before the third guy Dean came in. “I’m ready to go black, and I’m never gonna go back,” he said. The fourth guy danced with her while saying “eyyy.” Harrison interrupted again and said that was it for the night.

Final Standings

Julia & Paul - 60
Raven - 31
Jasmine - 9
Whitney - 9
Jaimi - 8
+3 last team standing bonus
Owned.

Melissa & Tom - 37

Rachel - 27

Taylor - 5

Liz - -1

Josephine - 6

I'm looking forward to Rachel's season. I said the same of Andi & Kaitlyn's seasons only to be disappointed. But Rachel should be good, right? I keep thinking about bailing out on the show and they keep reeling me back in with my favorite contestants. Whereas with Survivor I never think about bailing out on the show and they keep upping the ante with my favorite contestants. How good is Survivor?

Andrea & Zack - 36

Vanessa - 34

Lacey - 1

Elizabeth - 1

Vanessa won. A to Z did not. Was it because they didn't make a fourth round pick? No. It was because Julia & Paul found four contestants with staying power including the eventual runner-up and obliterated everyone in their tracks. However, A to Z would have gotten second place if they had taken chalky Astrid as a fourth round pick (or Jaimi or Josephine).

Kelly & Phil - 32

Corinne - 21

Christen - 4

Hailey - 2

Astrid - 5

Bri & Doug - 31

Danielle L - 10

Sarah - 6

Kristina - 10

Astrid - 5

Andie & Eric - 28

Danielle M - 11

Alexis - 8

Brittany - 4

Astrid - 5
Fortunately for Eric Schwartz, Cate Hall beat Mike Dentale heads up, so the week wasn't a total disaster.