Episode 4

Synopsis

They went to South Korea. Six of the girls went on a group date where they were backup singers for a K-Pop band called 2NE1, who spoke better English than half the girls on the show. "This is like, the coolest, it’s, like, my childhood dream, to, like, be a backup dancer for, like, a huge pop star," Chelsie said.

Then they went to the Korea Furniture Museum for drinks with Juan Pablo. "It definitely feels good to, you know, have conversations and have feelings," Kat said. JP gave Nikki the rose.

For some reason they showed JP taking a shower. I guess they were trying to show how much he was sweating during the K-Pop dancing. Or maybe that he was taking special care to clean up for Sharleen? I dunno, it was weird, they really showed him rubbing and scrubbing. 

JP and Sharleen went on a date in a market in Seoul. They ate some different stuff, then went to a quiet tea house. Sharleen sang five seconds of opera for JP and then they made out. Then she gave him her biggest compliment so far, saying he was "not bland."

There was another big group date. Clare had a conniption fit over eating a small piece of fried octopus. Then they went to a wooden hut where little fish ate their feet. But not like piranhas, more like sparanhas or pedicanhas. There was a fuss over kissing afterwards. To recap:

1. Renee wanted to kiss JP and tossed out a line encouraging him to do so, but he didn't because he's trying to set a good example for his daughter (which is why he went on The Bachelorette and The Bachelor - to find her a wholesome stepmother).
2. JP wanted to kiss Andi but didn't, but then gave her the rose.
3. Lauren straight-up asked to kiss JP but he said no and she started crying.
4. Even though Clare had vowed not to kiss JP for a while and had thrown up in her mouth while eating the octopus, she kissed him.

Nikki butted into Clare's conversation with JP at the cocktail party. At the rose ceremony, JP said hasta luego to Lauren and Elise.

Standings

Schwartzes: 17.5 points
Andi: 5.5
Chelsie: 6
Cassandra: 6

Chelsie and Cassandra are too green to win, but Andi's a player. She might not be as sophisticated as Sharleen or as sympathetic as Renee, but she's got a sharpness no one else can match. Now she just needs to show JP a few maternal characteristics.


Kelly & Phil: 16.5 points
Alli: 4.5
Nikki: 6.5
Kat: 5.5

Between the "ooh! look at me!" routine on the dance floor and the alcoholic father sob story, Kat wound up looking like a peacock for the first time. She and Alli could be out of the mix sooner rather than later. But JP obviously likes Nikki, whose disdain for some of the other girls displayed the social selectivity JP secretly covets.   


MoonBee: 14 points
Clare: 8.5
Sharleen: 5
Chantel: .5

Every scene with Sharleen is enthralling. Her intensity is overwhelming. It's like watching a different program when she's alone with JP. She's like a character out of an Ayn Rand epic in a sea of People Magazine cut-outs. JP is mesmerized. Watching The Bachelor reminds me of that scene in Jurassic Park where they feed the T-Rex a goat.



JP doesn't want to be fed goats. He wants to hunt the Big Game. Sharleen is Big Game.


The Dregs: 11.5 points
Danielle: 4
Kelly: 5.5
Lucy: 2

Neither of these girls gets any airtime, so we know they're both drawing dead. They'll probably be the next two to go. But barring a Victorian meltdown, this team will easily finish with more points than A to Z. Unfortunately, it's four weeks too late to write off that charitable contribution on 2013 taxes. Don't forget that one fourteen months from now, A & Z.


A to Z: 6.5 points
Elise: 3
Lauren: 3.5
Amy: 0

Oh my. I've seen Bag draft a lot of crappy reality show teams over the years, but this has to go down as the worst ever. Seven girls have been eliminated since we started the pool and three of them are on this team. The Dregs - the three girls nobody drafted - still have two players left. The Dregs are likely going to double this team's output!  The show is going to conclude in May. It's January, and A to Z has been eliminated from the pool. Melissa just said "you guys should have another tier to the bet - whoever loses to Zack should have an extra big penalty." I could go on, and I will. This joke of a team is going to be the gift that keeps on giving, all season long and into the future. Years from now I'll still be celebrating the record-breaking putridity of these three girls.


Greenbergs: -1.5 points
Renee: 4
Victoria: -7.5
Christy: -2

The juxtaposition of Renee and Lauren's failed bids at kissing JP was illuminating. Don't think JP doesn't pick up on the ways Renee tightrope-walks vulnerability and confidence, care and coolness, insight and discretion, motherhood and The Bachelor. JP picks up on everything. Even if he can't find chemistry with Renee, he owes it to himself to give her every last chance. There are smart girls on the show, but Renee comes closest to matching JP's staggering social intellect. 

Episode 3

Synopsis

Juan Pablo and Cassandra went on a date in a strange-looking jeep. Cassandra wondered if they were going off-roading even though she was already wearing a swimsuit. Elise said she felt like she was in a “castle with a perfect guy” even though she’s actually in a reality show with 26 other girls in a mansion in Los Angeles. The jeep turned into a boat and JP drove it across the ocean to a yacht.

Then they cooked dinner at his house. Then they ate the dinner and looked at pictures of their kids. Juan Pablo had no idea what a malted milk ball was.

The group date was a soccer game at a stadium so ABC could show off JP’s skills, but really so he could analyze the girls’ athleticism. Sharleen kept on getting smacked with the ball. Then there was a cocktail party at the stadium. Andi made a reference to a “hot kitchen” as Dr. Mario fans may have noticed. 

Elise would not shut up about how young and immature Chelsie is.

Chelsie and JP went bungee-jumping off a bridge. Chelsie said it was “like a highdive on crack.” I’m confused, Chelsie is a highdiver? And she smokes crack? Chelsie was scared to do it then looked like she was gonna do it then got scared again. Melissa said “they’re gonna do it though, cause we’ve seen them” (in the previews). This is why we always fast-forward through the gratuitous “coming up” trailers. They show everything that has happened and will ever happen on the show.

Some country guy played a couple songs. Chelsie knew who he was but I didn’t even though I heard the song one time on the radio.

JP went over to the house early in the morning to surprise the girls with breakfast, but really to see what they looked like without makeup. To me and many guys this was the most exciting moment in the show thus far. Kelly hid her face like she was a leper. Renee and Clare and Kat looked pretty much the same as normal.

Christy and Lucy were not given roses at the ceremony.

Standings

Schwartzes: 12 points

Andi: 3

Chelsie: 4.5

Cassandra: 4.5

Would Juan Pablo marry a girl who listens to country? I don’t think so. But Chelsie would make a decent stepmom. Cassandra is cruising towards a 6^th place finish while Andi is in it to win it.

Kelly & Phil: 11 points

Alli: 3

Nikki: 4

Kat: 4

Looked like everyone on this team passed JP's athleticism and no-makeup tests. I think this is the best team.

MoonBee: 9.5 points

Clare: 7

Sharleen: 2

Chantel: 0.5

Clare’s mini-panic at the pool party is a good example of why the show should be one hour instead of two. That was a non-story. Sharleen looked like she'd never kissed a boy before.

The Dregs: 6.5 points

Danielle: 2.5

Kelly: 4

Lucy: 3

It’s been two full episodes and The Dregs are a point ahead of A to Z’s awful team and a whopping 9.5 points ahead of Team Renee.

A to Z: 5.5 points

Elise: 2.5

Lauren: 3

Amy: 0

The good news for this team is that Elise is probably going on a one-on-one date next week. The bad news for this team is that Elise is probably going on a one-on-one date next week.

Greenbergs: -3 points

Renee: 2.5

Victoria: -7.5

Christy: 2

Renee is always the consoler of the lonely. She’s by far the most mature woman on the show. She’s the #1 contender, but can a one-woman arm carry this team back into the competition?

Episode 2

Synopsis

Juan Pablo chose Clare for his first one-on-one date. They had an absurdly wasteful date under manufactured snow. In LA. In the Summer or Fall when they filmed this.  Some dude I’d never heard of was playing guitar. They went in the hot tub. They kissed on the lips so our team got 3 points. 

JP and Kat flew in a plane to Utah. Then they participated in a rave/road race.

There was a big group date. Everybody except for Amy, Danielle, Sharleen and the 1-on-1 daters went on it. It was a modeling shoot with dogs. Andi freaked out about wearing nothing and Prince JP made her feel better. JP gave Kelly the Dog Lover the rose to be nice because she had to wear the worst outfit, and she likes dogs and the shoot was for dogs.

Victoria got drunk and melted down. I thought Brazilians could handle their liquor. JP was cool as usual about it but asked her to leave before the rose ceremony so the Greenbergs are totally screwed. Seems a little unfair but the exact wording of our rules says “-8 POINTS: Getting kicked off the show for any reason other than failing to receive a rose at the ceremony.”

Cassandra freaked out because she’s 21 and has a kid. JP was comforting and understanding as always.

Amy and Chantel didn’t get roses at the ceremony.

Lucy got naked a lot.

Standings

MoonBee – 7 points

Clare – 6

Sharleen -.5 

Chantel – .5

It’s a good thing Clare snagged that first kiss, because losing a player this early is gonna be costly. The Greenbergs don’t want to hear it.

  

Kelly & Phil – 6 points

Alli – 1.5

Nikki – 1.5

Kat – 3

Good team. Alli likes soccer. Nikki is hot and nice and likes kids. And I think we underrated Kat going into the draft – I haven’t spotted a chink in her armor yet.

The Dregs: 5 points

Kelly – 2.5

Danielle – 1

Lucy –1.5

I’m giving Kelly 1 point for receiving a rose during the group date. Our rules say you get 2 points for “explicitly "winning" a group date.” Kelly didn’t explicitly win anything. But I think anyone who gets a rose during a group date should get a bonus point, and this is the perfect time to institute the rule because I’m not anticipating anyone to argue otherwise because Kelly is a Dreg. Maybe Bag will argue otherwise cause he should be afraid of losing to the Dregs and having to pay charity.

Schwartzes: 4.5 points

Andi – 1.5

Chelsie – 1.5

Cassandra – 1.5

This is a really strong team. No one is in immediate danger here. Andi is one of two or three girls on the show who showed up needing to be wooed – and JP accomplished that straightaway at the photo shoot. I think JP prefers girls who don’t simply faint at the sight of him. Andi is legit. And JP seems to dig that Cassandra has a kid. It adds faux depth to her plastic personality.

A to Z – 3 points

Elise – 1.5

Lauren S – 1.5

Amy – 0

I made fun of this team during and after the draft and I’m feeling validated. Elise and Lauren aren’t going anywhere while Amy’s headed back to the Iron Bowl. The Dregs have more pop than this squad.

Greenbergs –  -4.5 points

Renee – 1.5

Victoria – -7.5

Christy –1.5

Victoria is going to be the anchor of the good ship Renee. Months from now, when we won’t be able to pick Victoria out of a police lineup, the Greenbergs will still be looking at that -7.5 next to her name lamenting what might have been (and possibly suggesting a rule change). It was pretty hilarious to see a team get saddled with the albatross of a NEGATIVE EIGHT just an hour into the first episode after the draft. Greenbergs, just know that your pain was everyone else’s pleasure. 

Melissa had an amazing idea that would have been perfect for this season: The bracket. With 16 girls we could have seeded them and filled out brackets March Madness style. (1)Renee over (16)Lucy would have been as obvious as Duke over Sam Houston St, but what would you do with (7)Sharleen vs (10)Kat? Huge missed opportunity here – my fault, cause she actually suggested it before the draft and I had no idea what she meant. Next year.