Episode 2

Synopsis

Juan Pablo chose Clare for his first one-on-one date. They had an absurdly wasteful date under manufactured snow. In LA. In the Summer or Fall when they filmed this.  Some dude I’d never heard of was playing guitar. They went in the hot tub. They kissed on the lips so our team got 3 points. 

JP and Kat flew in a plane to Utah. Then they participated in a rave/road race.

There was a big group date. Everybody except for Amy, Danielle, Sharleen and the 1-on-1 daters went on it. It was a modeling shoot with dogs. Andi freaked out about wearing nothing and Prince JP made her feel better. JP gave Kelly the Dog Lover the rose to be nice because she had to wear the worst outfit, and she likes dogs and the shoot was for dogs.

Victoria got drunk and melted down. I thought Brazilians could handle their liquor. JP was cool as usual about it but asked her to leave before the rose ceremony so the Greenbergs are totally screwed. Seems a little unfair but the exact wording of our rules says “-8 POINTS: Getting kicked off the show for any reason other than failing to receive a rose at the ceremony.”

Cassandra freaked out because she’s 21 and has a kid. JP was comforting and understanding as always.

Amy and Chantel didn’t get roses at the ceremony.

Lucy got naked a lot.

Standings

MoonBee – 7 points

Clare – 6

Sharleen -.5 

Chantel – .5

It’s a good thing Clare snagged that first kiss, because losing a player this early is gonna be costly. The Greenbergs don’t want to hear it.

  

Kelly & Phil – 6 points

Alli – 1.5

Nikki – 1.5

Kat – 3

Good team. Alli likes soccer. Nikki is hot and nice and likes kids. And I think we underrated Kat going into the draft – I haven’t spotted a chink in her armor yet.

The Dregs: 5 points

Kelly – 2.5

Danielle – 1

Lucy –1.5

I’m giving Kelly 1 point for receiving a rose during the group date. Our rules say you get 2 points for “explicitly "winning" a group date.” Kelly didn’t explicitly win anything. But I think anyone who gets a rose during a group date should get a bonus point, and this is the perfect time to institute the rule because I’m not anticipating anyone to argue otherwise because Kelly is a Dreg. Maybe Bag will argue otherwise cause he should be afraid of losing to the Dregs and having to pay charity.

Schwartzes: 4.5 points

Andi – 1.5

Chelsie – 1.5

Cassandra – 1.5

This is a really strong team. No one is in immediate danger here. Andi is one of two or three girls on the show who showed up needing to be wooed – and JP accomplished that straightaway at the photo shoot. I think JP prefers girls who don’t simply faint at the sight of him. Andi is legit. And JP seems to dig that Cassandra has a kid. It adds faux depth to her plastic personality.

A to Z – 3 points

Elise – 1.5

Lauren S – 1.5

Amy – 0

I made fun of this team during and after the draft and I’m feeling validated. Elise and Lauren aren’t going anywhere while Amy’s headed back to the Iron Bowl. The Dregs have more pop than this squad.

Greenbergs –  -4.5 points

Renee – 1.5

Victoria – -7.5

Christy –1.5

Victoria is going to be the anchor of the good ship Renee. Months from now, when we won’t be able to pick Victoria out of a police lineup, the Greenbergs will still be looking at that -7.5 next to her name lamenting what might have been (and possibly suggesting a rule change). It was pretty hilarious to see a team get saddled with the albatross of a NEGATIVE EIGHT just an hour into the first episode after the draft. Greenbergs, just know that your pain was everyone else’s pleasure. 

Melissa had an amazing idea that would have been perfect for this season: The bracket. With 16 girls we could have seeded them and filled out brackets March Madness style. (1)Renee over (16)Lucy would have been as obvious as Duke over Sam Houston St, but what would you do with (7)Sharleen vs (10)Kat? Huge missed opportunity here – my fault, cause she actually suggested it before the draft and I had no idea what she meant. Next year.