Episode 6

Synopsis


They went to Venice, Italy. MeatHead thought he was going on a one-on-one date, but Andi took V instead. MeatHead said he felt like a pet dog. Meanwhile, Andrea had a one-on-one date with Cosmo the real dog on the couch. She likened him to V, complimenting him on his suaveness.

MeatHead was frustrated and talked about it with the farmer guy. “Way to be a shoulder, Chris the Farmer,” Andrea said.

Andi and Nick drank beer and ate gelato while Bag played with his phone. Then they went to what Andi called a “masquerade hall” with paintings on the ceilings and ate dinner. Actually they just drank wine and kept talking about the same crap they’d been talking about the whole time. “Is this a repeat of the first twenty minutes?” Bag asked while furiously tapping the touch screen of his phone.

“I wish they would just try to eat their food,” Andrea said. “The pasta is getting cold.”

Andi took the guys to a dungeon and had some Italian goons give them a polygraph test. Josh M was, in his own words, “a little bit on edge.” In Andrea’s words he was “totally freaking out.” Dylan admitted to sleeping with over twenty women and not washing his hands after going to the bathroom, then nearly lost his lunch and went back to the hotel.

Paul came in, peeved that we started watching it without him. So we backtracked and replayed the dungeon part. Andi ripped up the results even though there were some liars alleged by the polygraph.

Cody and V hung out in a sauna staring at the floor. V had a better body than I expected.

Marcus told Andi he thought about leaving early in the show before his one-on-one date. Then he told her he loved her. Josh M dug himself a hole with a defensive reaction to the polygraph. “Josh is a goner, Moon,” Paul said. “Maybe not this episode, but soon.”

Andrea and Bag left for Bag's soccer game. “Wait, what??” Paul asked, mortified that we had to pause it.

At night they came home and we watched the second half. The farmer guy admitted he was Andi’s secret admirer. Then they made out. “He looks like he’s a really good kisser,” Andrea observed. Then Andi gave the farmer a rose. Bag and I discussed which guy we’d most want to live in our Vegas house. We decided on Marquel, partly because he’s from Las Vegas. JJ spouted off a wild three-minute monologue which pissed off the farmer guy.

Cody the MeatHead finally got his one-on-one date. Five minutes in he proclaimed it to be “the best first date I’ve ever been on.” They wrote letters. “It gives me a chance to express, through letters, exactly how I feel, in words,” Cody said. 

“This is just a one-way street, right now,” Andrea summarized. “Poor Cody. Poor Macklemore."

Then they went to dinner somewhere nice. “Miami Vice,” Andrea announced upon seeing their dinner outfits. Andi’s pants were the color of her skin which was confusing and Cody wore a V-neck with the V practically down to his belly button. “It shows his cleavage,” Bag said.

Cody attempted a hopeless, sinking-ship speech. “This is rough,” Andrea stated. Andi started crying and tossed him. A blue-coated bellhop came up and grabbed his bags.

Chris the farmer gave V a hard time about talking to Andi first at the cocktail party. Josh M was empathetic to V. Dylan contemplated it somberly and announced “I should have done that.”

During an uninspiring batch of overtures, Bag started checking his phone again. Jeff almost fell asleep and I proudly concluded that V was winning the show. “He’s got it in the bag,” concurred Andrea.

Chris Harrison showed up and asked Andi about her week. “Who’s this guy?” Jeff asked. “Her therapist?”

“What a waste of time this is,” Bag said. “We just watched [everything Andi was talking about.]”

At the rose ceremony, we realized we’d forgotten to call JJ “Bill Nye” all episode and lamented it. They tried to make it seem like Josh M might not get a rose but obviously it ended up being JJ who was packed into the black van to end the night.

Standings

Kelly & Phil: 31.5 points

Marcus: 13

Brian: 11

Andrew: 4.5

+3 team bonus

Ho-hum episode for these boys. Marcus has a hometown in the bag and Brian has a leg up on Dylan for another spot. Toppling the defending champs won't be easy.

Bri & Doug: 20.5 points

Chris: 13.5

Patrick: 5

Ron: 2

Andrea compared Chris the Farmer to Chris the Guy Who Won Desiree's Season. It's a strong parallel. The farmer is just sort of hanging around, being nice, and letting other dudes melt down. That could be enough to win if Josh and V implode down the stretch.

Melissa & Tom: 19 points

Nick V: 10

Nick S: .5

JJ: 8.5

V is going to win this thing going away, but will it be enough? We're 12.5 points back of the defending champs and have half the players.

Andrea & Zack: 15 points

Josh M: 10

Eric: 0

Marquel: 5

Nothing to panic about yet for Josh M. He's still a mysterious, dangerous, charismatic character. Andi connects with him better than any guy except V and thinks he's better-looking than any guy except Marcus.

Andie & Eric: 12.5 points

Dylan: 8.5

Tasos: 3.5

Craig: .5

Eric Schwartz's sad hopes hang on Dylan, who surprisingly got the first rose at the ceremony. Don't be fooled - this is one sorry team. Dylan will be lucky to get a pity hometown and won't be making it past that stage. The only silver lining for Team Jersey is that they've ousted the Dregs - unless Dylan hara-kiris like he did after that lie detector test.

Dregs: 9.5 points

Bradley: 2

Brett: 2

Carl: .5

Cody: 5

MeatHead's dinner date was painful to watch. He needs to consider it a moral victory to get as far as he did.

Episode 5

Synopsis

There was an endless “previously on”/ “coming up on” opening trailer that lasted like 15 minutes. The show finally started and the crew wound up in France. Andrea and Melissa decided to go there next week. Then they ripped on Andi’s skirt.

“Bonjour” some of the guys said. “That’s all they know how to say,” Melissa said.

Chris Harrison showed up wearing a Euro turtleneck and had a contrived conversation with Andi. The girls ripped on Andi’s skirt some more. “I know it’s supposed to be all in right now to mix textures, but I’m just not a fan,” Melissa said. “It’s not a good look,” Andrea concurred.

They went to a harbor. “This is, like, a harbor,” Andi said.

Then they got on a boat and Josh bragged about what a high draft pick he was in baseball. He claimed he stopped playing because he wanted to be a family man. None of us bought it. He did not attempt to explain why he’s unemployed.

Back at the house, JJ started a brouhaha by claiming that Andrew said “blackie” referring to Beverage Sales Ron and Marquel. “Andrew’s really not that cute,” Melissa said. “He’s got the tooth thing. Sometimes his lip covers his tooth and it looks like he has a tooth missing," she explained.

Andrea entertained us with a mime routine during the commercial break. I miss my DVR.

Andi and Josh had dinner in a castle. Actually, they looked at their dinner and talked. Then they danced while some wannabe Chris Isaak strummed in the courtyard.

All the guys except the one-on-one daters met up with Andi. “How is she choosing those shoes?” Melissa asked, bewildered. “To go exploring in Marseille??”

They had to be mimes in a city square for the group date. Nobody stood out, except for sourpuss V who was uncomfortable and whined about being on a group date.

JJ took Andi on a ferris wheel. She liked it. She gave him the group date rose. “Well played, Pantsapraneur,” Bag said.

The guys got in a bunch of arguments that night. There was drama over V making fun of Cody for feeling thankful. Cody bitched him out and told Andi. Marquel confronted Andrew in front of everybody about allegedly calling him a blackie. Andrew said no I didn’t. It reminded me a lot of a first grade class.

V sort of apologized, and sort of admitted it to Andi. She sort of bought it. “I dunno Moon,” Paul said. “I don’t see much long-term going on there. It looked like she had a very skeptical look on her face."

PiMaster wandered downstairs. “Is this almost done?” he asked. We told him it was two hours. “It’s two hours???” he asked incredulously.

Andi and Brian went and saw a movie about food. Then they went to the market and got food. Then they went to an apartment and tried to cook it, but Brian was a huge fail in the kitchen. “This is disastrous,” Paul said.

They sat down to eat. “Bon appétit,” Andi said. “Why not?” Brian asked glumly. They started to eat it, then gave up and went to a restaurant. Brian talked about what a spectacular date it was while Melissa made shoveling motions and Andrea mimed a noose. For some reason Andi gave him the rose anyways.

“Wow, that was a big surprise,” Paul said. “I just don’t see it,” Bag added.

“He made a shot from halfcourt,” Melissa reminded us.

Andi ixnayed the cocktail party and sent Andrew the Douche, Patrick the Douche, and Marquel the Blackie packing at the rose ceremony.

Standings

Kelly & Phil: 28.5 points

Marcus: 11.5

Brian: 9.5

Andrew: 4.5

+3 team bonus

For a moment there it looked like the defending champs might lose two ponies in one episode, but Brian got out of that hot kitchen just in time. I don’t know what he has to offer if he can’t cook. There won’t be any more dates on the basketball court this season, so he better have an ace up his sleeve.

Bri & Doug: 17 points

Chris: 10

Patrick: 5

Ron: 2

The farmer guy isn’t making up twelve points by himself, so DouBri’s only chance is for Marcus’s girlfriend to crash the party just as Brian is implicated in a high school sex scandal. It’s not a bright outlook. 

Melissa & Tom: 15.5 points

Nick V: 7

Nick S: .5

JJ: 8

Is V a closet d-bag? I don’t think so. He’s confident, he let that confidence show, and he apologized. Andi’s not going to mind that he’s a curmudgeon on group dates – she often commented on their absurdity during The Bachelor. It’s JJ that might be the secret shithead. Instigating the Blackie Scandal was way out of line. Not owning up to it was worse.

Andrea & Zack: 13.5 points

Josh M: 8.5

Eric: 0

Marquel: 5

I still don’t know what to think about Josh M, and neither does Andi. He’s straight out of Bruce Springsteen’s “Glory Days”, he’s counting on his little brother to get that second NFL contract, and he’s way past red on the Douche Detector. But there’s something charming, something indefinably intriguing about him too. Time will tell.

Andie & Eric: 11 points

Dylan: 7

Tasos: 3.5

Craig: .5

Dregs: 10.5 points

Bradley: 2

Brett: 2

Carl: .5

Cody: 6

This is gonna be a photo finish between A&E and the Dregs. MeatHead is going on a one-on-one date next week. Dylan is the odds-on favorite to bust at the next rose ceremony, so if MeatHead survives his one-on-one, the Dregs will likely put the cone of shame on A&E.

Episode 4

Synopsis

They went to Connecticut. The farmer guy said it was “kind of a heartland, only on the East Coast.” The guys did a fake toast in a bathtub.

Dylan was chosen for the one-on-one date. Andrew the Douche expressed skepticism over Dylan’s chances of surviving the date. Paul agreed. “I don’t think they have the spark. He seems like a good guy, but I just don’t know. She seems bored.”

“I seem bored,” Bag said.

They got on a train and went for a ride. “I’ve never really had an elaborate date,” Andi said. There was the time she went to the beach with Eric the Dead Explorer, then they took a helicopter ride to the top of a mountain, then went snowboarding, then had dinner in an elegant cabin while talking about Syria and other adventures, then roasted marshmallows by the fire. She had been on a few dates since then, so maybe she forgot. 

Dylan told Andi about his dead siblings and they both cried. Then she gave him the rose. They never touched their food. Maybe it was a plastic prop. Then they blew the train whistle. 

The guys went to play basketball with some WNBA players. 

“I’m looking forward to this basketball game,” I announced. “More than game 3 of the NBA Finals?” Bag asked, and I said yes.

Andi obviously never took a basketball elective like I offer at school. Not a pretty jump shot.

First the guys played a team of WNBA players and got annihilated. Then they divided into two teams and played each other. Marquel jumped like a black man. MeatHead got rejected by a girl, good practice for what's gonna happen in a week or two. V fumbled a nice pass on the baseline. Josh M. was a turnover machine. Brian the basketball coach totally dominated so Andi gave him the date rose. In the locker room postgame the losing team acted like they’d just lost Game 7 of the NBA Finals while dramatic piano & string music played. The winning team sprayed champagne.

Then Andi and Marcus went rappelling off the roof of the Mohegan Sun. Andi was scared. Marcus rappelled in his blazer and jeans. It took a while for Andi to get going. On the way down they talked about Mahjongg and golf. “Sounds like taking care of a drunk person,” Bag said.

They rappelled past the room where the guys were staying and they banged on the windows. Andrea suggested the guys take their pants off and push their wieners against the glass. “Would you do it?” she asked Bag. “It’s kind of like mooning.”

“Is Marquel there?” Bag asked.

They had dinner and Humble Marcus made his triumphant return. Then they went to a miniature country concert and danced and kissed. “This guy’s stock is skyrocketing,” Paul said. “It looks like she’s having a GREAT time.”

Then Marcus said “I think I’m falling in love with you.” Boom. Two more points for Kelly & Phil. 

At the cocktail party, Andi talked to and kissed several of the guys. “Wow, she is kind of just getting around here,” Paul commented.

Eric the Dead Explorer confronted Andi about being a TV actress and having a poker face all the time. He wasn’t very delicate about it and it pissed Andi off and then he caught a cab and then he died in a paragliding accident.

There was no rose ceremony shown, but Tasos was sent back to Denver to plan more weddings, play more frolf, and buy more earrings.

Standings

Kelly & Phil: 23.5 points

Marcus: 10

Brian: 6.5           

Andrew: 4 
+3 team bonus      

The defending champs came roaring back after an ugly episode 3. Marcus left his douchebag costume in California. He took care of business on that rappelling date and should cruise to the final eight. The episode could not have gone any better for Brian, who's in line to pick up more points when he gets a one-on-one. He's looking like a final-eight lock as well. Andrew is hanging around as the Token Douche. I'd forgotten to give this team the 3-point bonus for being the last to have all three contestants remaining, which has been corrected.

Bri & Doug: 15 points

Chris: 8.5                       

Patrick: 4.5                       

Ron: 2

Nothing to see here. Someone, I think it was Bag, mentioned that the producers might rig a two-on-one date featuring Andrew the Douche and Patrick the Douche. Seems fitting.

Melissa & Tom: 11.5 points

Nick V: 5.5           

Nick S: .5

JJ: 5.5    

V is crushing the competition without remorse. This is a man amongst boys. Marcus had a nice date and all, but he and Andi don't have the chemistry. Andi likes Josh M., but at the end of the day he's still an unemployed jock. The farmer guy lives in Iowa and Brian is a cute little afterthought. V is way, way ahead of these other tools. He's got this if he wants it. 

Andrea & Zack: 10 points

Josh M: 5.5                       

Eric: 0

Marquel: 4.5                       

Ouch. I actually liked Eric the Dead Explorer's wild move, just not the execution. I think Andi would have been happy to discuss the fake plastic nature of the scenario they were in. She likely would have been open to some mild questioning of her on-screen persona if Eric had been a little more polite, a little more tactful. Andi really didn't take it well, which surprised me and Eric both. We gave Eric a -5 for leaving on his own terms rather than getting kicked off. Tough, tough beat for A to Z, whose team was looking tough.

Andie & Eric: 9.5 points

Dylan: 5.5

Tasos: 3.5

Craig: .5

It was fitting that Tasos was invisibly sent home. The guy never got a fair shake. Phil bet someone Tasos would finish 5th/6th or better, so he lost. 

This team is finished. It would be a monumental upset if Dylan won the final rose - and even that likely wouldn't be enough for A&E to win the pool. A&E should be counting their blessings that Andi spared Craig till the rose ceremony. If he'd been saddled with a Negative Eight, this team would be historically bad. As is, they're neck-and-neck with the Dregs.

Dregs: 9 points

Bradley: 2

Brett: 2

Carl: .5

Cody: 4.5                       

Doug asked about posting the points system. It's now been added as a post and as a link on the right side of the blog. Doug also asked about the bracket. That's not happening unfortunately, I didn't have the time to get it cranked out. I still think it will be a fun addition for future seasons.

The Bachelor & Bachelorette Points System

.5 POINTS

-Going on a group date

1 POINT
-Receiving a rose

2 POINTS
-Going on a 1-on-1 date
-Explicitly "winning" a group date
-Saying "I love you" or "I'm falling in love with you" directly to The Bachelor
-Accepting a marriage proposal from The Bachelor
-Season-specific bonus (Meeting Camila, getting Hy's blessing, etc)

3 POINTS
-Defeating another contestant in a 2-on-1 date
-Being the first to kiss The Bachelor on the lips
-Being the last team with all remaining contestants

4 POINTS

-Going on a Hometown date
-Being invited to the Fantasy Suite

-Finishing in 2nd place

-Becoming the next Bachelor(ette)

8 POINTS
-Finishing as the final contestant

-1 POINT
-Losing a 2-on-1 date

-3 POINTS
-Failing to get a rose during a 1-on-1 date

-5 POINTS
-Quitting the show for any reason other than failing to receive a rose at the ceremony
-Having your marriage proposal rejected

-8 POINTS
-Getting kicked off the show for any reason other than failing to receive a rose at the ceremony

Episode 3

 

Synopsis

After about seventeen minutes of set-up including a four-minute battle with the annoying mouse cursor arrow, we got the episode rolling. Paul joined us and had a lot of interesting commentary.   

“It’s almost like the Survivor of the dating world,” Paul said, and talked about how it was a game that the guys were trying to win rather than actually trying to fall in love, which I thought was accurate insta-analysis.

"The farmer guy looks like a young Jeremy Piven," Andrea said. “Like a chunkier Jeremy Piven.”

Nick V met Andi on a pier in Santa Barbara and they rode bikes. Andrea commented on their helmets. Meanwhile, Marcus and Andrew the Douche talked shit behind his back. Then Andi and V went hiking and wore hoodies. Bag played “QUANT” and “TOKAY” at the same time in Words With Friends so I guess he thought the date was boring like I did.

V talked about how romance to him was being able to find someone else and choosing not to. Andrea and Bag joked about how they could both find someone else. Andi gave V the date rose and they kissed a bunch of times.

Most of the guys went on the group date, including a cocky Marcus, who was hoping he wouldn't go so he could go on a one-on-one instead. It was a singing date with Boyz II Men, who are more like Men II Geezers at this point. Bradley the Opera Singer was naturally fired up but took it a little too far with the opera inflections. “What is he supposed to do, not sing well?” Bag asked.

They sang a song at a Men II Geezers concert. Cody, Ron, and Brian were terrible, but not as bad as Marcus, whose “voice sounds like a chicken being strangled,” according to Eric the Dead Explorer. “Oh my god. This is just so bad,” said the Fish. “That guy (Ron) is really [expletive] bad,” the Fish pointed out. A little girl in the crowd covered her ears.

Marcus called it an “adrelanine” rush. Then he forgot the lyrics for his part. Talk about a C'mon Man. Tasos was good. I always like Tasos and Bag always hates on his double earrings. Andi said it was one of the best days of her life, which was weird because I thought she was a happy person.

Andi played a funny joke on Cody where she pretended guys had said that he had a girlfriend, then laughed like it was candid camera. Cody took it well.

Marcus awkwardly asked Andi to kiss him and she did. “This guy seems like a douche,” Fish said, summarizing Marcus’s episode.

Josh M. made out with Andi too. “I don’t like this guy at all,” Fish said. “Man, I do not like this guy,” he added. Then Josh M. got the date rose.

Andrea said something nice about the farmer guy and that she might choose him. “What if he’s a Monsanto farmer?” Bag asked. “Then I’d convert him to non-GMO,” Andrea replied.

JJ went on a one-on-one date. Bag, Andrea and Paul had a conversation about his nipples. He and Andi got made up to look like old people. JJ looked ridiculous. Andi somehow still looked pretty. They went to a park and talked to strangers. “I don’t think that kid’s buying it,” Bag said of one youngster they were conversating. Probably because an enormous HDTV camera was pointed at them from across the lake. Overall it was offensive and way less funny than Uncle Drew.

JJ was a good choice for the date but that’s all. “This guy has no shot,” Fish said. “Filler date,” Bag said, summarizing it best. “I would not have wanted that to be my first date with you,” Andrea noted.

Beverage Sales Ron had a friend die on him so he had to leave the show. No negative points. Tough beat for DouBri.

JJ made it clear to Andi he was a nerd. Dylan told the Farmer a sad story about drugs in his family.

V owned Eric the Dead Explorer and the other chumps by ordering flowers for Andi that arrived during the rose ceremony. Marcus was cheesy. Andi said he was sweet but didn't seem as excited to be around him as she did V and Josh M. Andrea said that when a girl says “you’re sweet”, that’s code for “I’m just being nice.”

Andrew got confronted about getting some other girl’s number and bragging about it. JJ and Josh M. were particularly perturbed.

Andi had Lamp Guy and Opera Guy pack their bags. Andrea gave words of encouragement to Opera Guy and even offered him a tissue. Bag wondered if they would have dedicated the show to Lamp Guy if he had died instead of Eric the Explorer.

Standings

Bri & Doug: 12 points

Chris: 7

Patrick: 3

Ron: 2

This will be DouBri’s last week atop the leaderboard. Chris the Farmer continues his cruise to a 4^th place finish. Patrick is getting minimal screen time. DouBri was unfortunate to lose Ron, though his upside was something like 9 points and a 7^th place finish.

Andrea & Zack: 11.5 points

Josh M: 4

Eric: 4.5

Marquel: 3

Another strong episode for Josh M. He's neck-and-neck with V for alpha dog right now. He needs to show that a) he's employed or eminently employable and b) he has potential for humility to win this thing, but he's obviously going deep. Andi lights up like a Christmas tree around the guy.

Kelly & Phil: 9.5 points

Marcus: 4

Brian: 3

Andrew: 2.5

Absolutely disastrous episode for Kelly & Phil. Marcus’s douchebag disguise came flying off and Brian did nothing of note (no pun intended). Andrew picked up a hostess at a restaurant, but that doesn't reward bonus points in our pool.

Melissa & Tom: 8.5 points

Nick V: 4

Nick S: .5

JJ: 4

Things couldn’t have gone much smoother for the MoonBee this episode. V and JJ grinded out solid one-on-one dates while V’s greatest rival’s stock bottomed out like the late 2000s Vegas housing market. It won't be long till our rivals each have two players left too, so the points deficit shouldn't be too much of an issue.

Dregs: 7.5 points

Bradley: 2

Brett: 2

Carl: .5

Cody: 3

It appears we pegged the dregs this season. Three are toast and Andi is just keeping Friend Zone Cody around so she can go on a fun silly date with him when she needs a break.

Andie & Eric: 6 points

Dylan: 2.5

Tasos: 3

Craig: .5

We didn't learn any new information about this team other than Dylan's brother and sister both used drugs and died. Tasos would be a fun guy to play frisbee golf with but isn't making headway with Andi. This team is still in danger of losing to the Dregs.