Episode One, The Draft & Episode Two

Synopsis

Episode One

They took a lot of photos of Rachel in a red dress with red roses in front of a white backdrop that I’ll be using in this blog over the next couple months. Rachel showed off her basketball skills in Dallas before going to L.A. with an injured dog. There were vignettes for a professional wrestler with a cute daughter, a Dallas lawyer with a dog named Jack Stone (the lawyer, not the dog), a meathead coder from Michigan, a young startup guy, a silly “whaboom” who looked like Josh Ritter, a meathead who kept talking about sex, a handsome guy named Diggy and a prosecutor from Florida whose brother hung himself.

Rachel drove a Tesla (which excited Melissa and me) to hang out with a bunch of her competitors from the last season, including a stoned-looking Raven. Melissa liked the dress Rachel wore to the wet driveway. My notes on the contestants as they came out:

Peter – Wisconsin business owner

Josiah – FL prosecutor brother hung himself

Bryan – Colombian chiropractor

Kenny – Professional wrestler

Rob – Law student not handsome

Iggy – Consulting CEO not handsome

Bryce – Firefighter

Will – Good slipping joke

Diggy – handsome & good

Kyle – marketing bun & cheese joke

Blake K – Marine not handsome

Brady – model icebreaker joke

Dean – want to go black never go back. too young

Eric – personal trainer dance

DeMario – elope tickets guy

Blake E – “never date a snare player” – Melissa (meathead sex guy)

Fred – Dallas went to same middle school “very bad kid”

Jonathan – “very large nose” – Melissa (Tickle Monster)

Lee – obligatory singer/songwriter from Nashville

Alex – vacuum prop

Milton – polaroid prop

Adam – Dallas real estate ventriloquist prop

Matt – penguin

Grant? – emergency physician

Anthony – education software Chicago

Jamey – Santa Monica sales exec

Jack – Stone

Mohit – young startup guy

Jedidiah – ER physician

Michael – former pro basketball player

Lucas – whaboom

Someone said it was a diverse group, but most of the guys were from Los Angeles. Josiah grabbed Rachel first. The Colombian Chiropractor made a good impression and aggressively made out with her. Bailey did a whaboom. DeMario talked a lot and talked himself up a lot. Mohit struggled to find time to talk with Rachel and struggled with alcohol. The whaboom guy made a lot of noise and juggled, enraging the aspiring drummer. “I think everyone has a little whaboom in them,” the whaboom guy said. “I have no whaboom in me,” the aspiring drummer said. “I will reavaluate life itself [if whaboom guy gets a rose],” someone said. The Colombian Chiropractor got the First Impression Rose and aggressively made out with Rachel again.

At the dawn Rose Ceremony, Rachel filtered out one of the guys who wasn’t handsome, the marine, the pink tie, a few they didn’t even show closely enough to tell who they were (one turned out to be Mohit), and Milton, who cried because he’d bought so many expensive outfits to wear on the show only to be beaten by whaboom and a guy in a penguin costume.

The Draft

1. A&E - Bryan
2. B&D - Kenny
3. K&P - Jack
4. A&Z - Eric
5. M&T - Peter
6. J&P - Dean
7. J&P - Anthony
8. M&T - Josiah
9. A&Z - Will
10. K&P - Matt
11. B&D - Iggy
12. A&E - Alex
13. A&E - Adam
14. B&D - Diggy
15. K&P - Lee
16. A&Z - Jamey
17. M&T - Fred
18. J&P - Brady

Dreg Picks

A&E: Blake
B&D: DeMario

K&P: Blake

A&Z: DeMario

M&T: Bryce
J&P: Blake

Superdregs (unpicked)
Jonathan

Lucas

Episode Two

Melissa learned how hard it is to set up a proper list of the teams on a dry-erase board (it really is) as the dudes told Chris Harrison how good Rachel smelled. Some guys went on a group date in a grassy park. A shot of Rachel grilling dead animal flesh inspired Melissa to ask if it would elicit a dead animal comment from me in the blog. The guys played touch football. Whaaaboooom blew an easy catch, leading to a pick-six. “Lucas is garbage,” Blake said. “The one person who could ruin this for him is me. And I’m going to.”

 

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis came by to explain an obstacle course that was supposed to mimic house chores with an infant represented by a doll. Ashton said he didn’t think Rachel’s husband was in the group, then said he “knew on day one” Mila would be his wife – conveniently forgetting he was married to Demi Moore for six years in between meeting Mila and dating and marrying her. Whaaaboooom dunked his baby in the water repeatedly before stiff-arming Kenny, winning the race, spiking his baby into the ground and whaaabooooming. “I don’t even know what that was,” Ashton said.

They went to a warehouse/bar/restaurant/vintage sign gallery/arcade/lodge. Whaaaboooom read Rachel a poem. “I am having a very hard time seeing you past the kid who used to be in summer camp,” Rachel told Fred. “You always remember the bad ones. You were bad.” A guy we couldn’t identify weakly complimented Rachel and I decided to call him “Poor Man’s Bryan” from then on. Melissa observed how heavily Iggy was sweating. Blake dropped the first “right reasons” of the season in regards to Whaaaboooom and told Rachel he was roommates with Whaaaboooom’s ex. It was unclear if that was a lie. “I’m already sick of the drama,” Melissa sighed. Bailey began doing his gyration-snoring thing. “If y’all want to get on a merry-go-round, take your asses to Santa Monica and get on the merry-go-round,” Kenny said. Melissa and I are planning to take our asses to Santa Monica on Friday and get on the roller coaster. Dean got the date rose and made out with Rachel, spurring the 2x defending champs to an early lead.

Peter drove with Rachel in a Tesla to an airport where they met Rachel’s dog Copper, who arrived in a limousine. They flew in a small plane to Palm Springs, erasing the good environmental karma they’d gained by driving the Tesla. They went to “Barkfest”, a pool party with dogs. The date appeared to go well, which was good news for Melissa and me. “Right now, Peter is blowing my mind,” Rachel said before barking. Bailey didn’t wake. Peter told Rachel he’d gone to a relationship therapist and Rachel said she’d done the same. It was unclear if Dr. Kelly Sonnenfeld was one of the therapists. Peter got the date rose and made out with Rachel. “It does look like he’s a good kisser,” Melissa said. “Damn.”

A bunch of dudes went to play basketball with Rachel and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. DeMario was excited to play and Josiah was excited about Rachel’s appearance. “She had on some legging-tights that fit her body like a Coca-Cola bottle,” he raved. Josiah, Lee, and someone with a blue shirt and mini-ponytail were bad. DeMario dunked on Rachel. They played a game in front of lot of people including a marching band. Melissa spotted a sousaphone and did a fistpump. #4 made a slick behind-the-back assist which I rewound and watched twice to try to figure out who it was (and also cause it was a sweet play). DeMario was good, but his team (which also had the unidentified behind-the-back passer) lost.

A woman named Lexie showed up and said she’d been dating DeMario right up until he’d gone on the show without even breaking up with her. There was a breakneck three-way conversation filled with accusations and arguing wherein DeMario said “correct” half a dozen times. It culminated in Lexie breaking out a cell phone to show Rachel incriminating text messages. “You’re literally a piece of trash,” Lexie said to DeMario. “I’m really gonna need you to get the f___ out,” Rachel said. DeMario got the f___ out.

Josiah capitalized on DeMario’s downfall by acting hurt and protective, resulting in a makeout with Rachel. Alex sung her an “old Russian folk song about dark eyes” and got her to laugh loudly. Eric won Melissa’s approval by asking Rachel about her love languages before making out with her (Rachel, not Melissa). Josiah got the date rose, perhaps because he used the phrase “alterior motives” in place of “right reasons.” DeMario interrupted the cocktail party to try to talk to Rachel. “I’m gonna whoop DeMario’s ass,” Kenny stated.

Standings

Melissa & Tom - 7

1. Peter - 3

2. Josiah - 3

3. Fred - 1

4. Bryce - 0

It was a pleasing first episode for us after I declared "I hate our team already" two picks in. Peter looks to be in line for a deep run after an excellent first date while Josiah was able to snag a quick group date rose. But here's the thing - we would have DeMario on our team if I hadn't seen that spoiler mentioned in the draft thread, and it probably would have been with our third round draft pick. I don't know what to do here. If DeMario winds up at -2, which he likely will, it's unfair to Bri & Doug and Andrea & Zack having not seen the spoiler. Did anyone else see it? I can't believe y'all would have picked Blake over DeMario if you didn't know something was up. What should we do? 

Julia & Paul - 4

1. Dean - 3

2. Anthony - 0

3. Brady - 0

4. Blake - 1

Dean planted himself firmly in the First Tier, despite his youth. He got a lot of facetime in the big preview trailer and will be going deep. Anthony's early donut is nothing to worry about, as that likely means he'll get a one-on-one as early as next week. I'm not sure who Brady is and Blake is a douche.

Kelly & Phil - 4

1. Jack - 1

2. Matt - 1

3. Lee - 1

4. Blake - 1

Discouraging episode for Jack Stone, who failed to distinguish himself from the pack of white dudes with the same hair & facial hair. It appears Lee is going to start rankling feathers next week, while Blake is a douche.

Andie & Eric - 3

1. Bryan - 0

2. Alex - 1

3. Adam - 1

4. Blake - 1

Bryan will be going on a one-on-one next week and remains The Frontrunner. Alex & Adam are part of that indistinguishable group of dudes with the same hair & facial hair. Blake is a douche.

Andrea & Zack - 1

1. Eric - 1

2. Will - 1

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2

Eric seems likable, but hasn't yet joined the First Tier. Is there any chance DeMario finagles his way back on in the next episode? I doubt it. This looks like the typical Bachelor "cliffhanger" inconsequentially resolved in the first five minutes of the next episode.

Bri & Doug - 1

1. Kenny - 1

2. Iggy - 1

3. Diggy - 1

4. DeMario - -2

I want to make fun of this team because I thought Kenny was an awful pick at #2 overall. But he seems like a good fellow, as do Iggy & Diggy. The DeMario debacle was unfair. We've got to find a solution other than these teams just losing two points.