Episode Four

Synopsis

They went to Lake Tahoe. Arie and Seinne drove a large red truck to a medium red boat which they parasailed behind/above. Some of the other girls watched them through binoculars. They noticed that trees look closer through binoculars. Arie and Sienne had a picnic on the shore of Lake Tahoe. Maquel’s grandpa died so she went home. Arie and Seinne talked at a restaurant. Then they danced to a band called Lanco.

Many women went hiking with Arie. Most wore scarves. A white-haired former Green Beret and his wife had them pee in canteens. Arie pretended to drink some but it turned out to be apple juice. Then they ate bugs. They broke into two groups and hiked with maps to a lake that had a cabin and hot tub next to it. Krystal complained about some girls and some girls complained about Krystal. Tia cried and got the date rose, in that order.

Arie and Bekah rode horses to a hot tub. They got in it and touched each other. At night they had a boring conversation highlighted by Arie admitting “I feel like I’ve just become a little more boring.” Then Bekah told Arie she was 22. “Oh my God!” he said and covered his mouth. Arie expressed additional concern over her age before making out with her, reaching his hand through her earring to clutch the back of her head.

There was no cocktail party. DeMarcus Cousins crested 100 DraftKings points in double overtime. Krystal interrupted the Rose Ceremony to talk to Arie. He ousted Brittany and Caroline. Both cried. 

Standings

Andie & Eric - 46 points
1. Tia - 9
2. Seinne - 7
3. Jacqueline - 5
4. Annaliese - 3
5. Maquel - 7
6. Jenna - 6
7. Marikh - 6
+3 last team standing bonus
Big episode for Tia, who won a group date, cried, and further positioned herself to either win it or become next Bachelorette. She's now the overall points leader and has shown no weaknesses.

Kelly & Phil - 39 points
1. Chelsea - 7
2. Seinne - 7
3. Becca - 7
4. Kendall - 5
5. Maquel - 7
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Ashley - 5
I gave Maquel +3 for "exiting the show prematurely on one's own accord." I'm not sure what the proper ruling should be. Docking her points seems mean-spirited. Should she get the +3?

Julia & Paul - 37 points
1. Krystal - 7
2. Bekah - 8
3. Jacqueline - 5
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Lauren B - 5
6. Jenna - 6
7. Marikh - 6
With six players still alive, Julia & Paul could quickly rise to the top of the standings. But Krystal isn't inspiring confidence currently and Jacqueline isn't getting much screen time. This team could potentially head the other direction too.

Andrea & Zack - 37 points
1. Bekah - 8
2. Caroline - 7
3. Chelsea - 7
4. Lauren B - 5
5. Jenny - 2
6. Bibiana - 3
7. Ashley - 5
Losing Caroline was a blow, but this is still a quality team. Lauren B showed signs of life while Bekah and Chelsea continue to cruise through mild drama.

Bri & Doug - 37 points
1. Caroline - 7
2. Becca - 7
3. Brittany - 6
4. Jenny - 2
5. Bibiana - 3
6. Brittany - 6
7. Marikh - 6
Cataclysmic episode for Bri & Doug. They lost their first round draft pick as well as 2xBrittany. They're left with the boring Becca and a dreg. The hope is to avoid last place, and that hope looks bleak.

Melissa & Tom - 31 points
1. Krystal - 7
2. Tia - 9
3. Annaliese - 3
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Kendall - 5
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Marikh - 6
This was actually an excellent episode for our team, but clearly we're out of the mix. We should avoid last place at least.

Episode Three

Synopsis

Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B, Tia, Marikh, Bekah, Bibiana and Krystal went to a place called Glob where Arie was wearing a mask. They got inside a ring. Glob turned out to be an acronym for Gorgeous Ladies Of the Bachelor. Two former professional wrestler ladies instructed them on wrestling maneuvers. They were mean. They made Tia and Bibiana cry. Kenny from last season came on and wrestled Arie. They rigged it to let Arie win. Tia liked it. Then the girls wrestled. In the first match Maquel, who was dressed up as a lunchlady, beat Bekah, who was dressed up as a cat. In the final match Tia, who was dressed up as a Southern Belle, beat Bibiana, who was dressed up as Bridezilla.

During the night portion of the date, Krystal quickly stole Arie away and made out with him. Arie encouraged her to keep being aggressive. Arie told Tia he thought it was interesting that she cried. “He’s f*ckin* awesome,” Tia said. Bekah got the date rose.

Arie and Lauren S flew a plane to Napa Valley. They drank wine out of oversize glasses, walked, talked, ate salami and cheese, and walked more. At night they drank more wine out of oversize glasses and smiled at each other. Lauren S told a rambling life story about a failed relationship, her family, an eye infection, and music. “I feel like I’m all over the place,” Lauren admitted to Arie. He got rid of her. “I just want you to know that you are amazing,” he said. “Can I walk you out?” he asked. “Absolutely,” Lauren S said enthusiastically. “It’s a difficult goodbye, but it’s necessary,” Arie said. Lauren S cried. Caroline started crying too because of it. It turned out it was also because she was annoyed at Krystal.

Ashley, Becca, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, Annaliese, Arie and a lot of dogs went to a park. There was another weird grainy Annaliese memory video. This one was of a little dog baring its teeth at her. They did a dog show. Chelsea couldn’t get her dogs to do much. A girl wandered onto the stage. At night they had some boring conversations while I checked DFS which was ruined by Jordan Bell and Joe Ingles and Melissa scrolled through an app on her phone. Arie made out with several women, but not Annaliese. Chelsea got the date rose.

Bibiana set up a bed and telescope at the mansion to talk to Ari. He used it to talk to other girls and make out with them. Annaliese tried to get him to kiss her but he wouldn’t so she cried. Jenna drunkenly made out with Arie. Annaliese asked Arie if he liked her and he got rid of her. “I know that you’re an amazing person,” Arie said and walked her out. At the Rose Ceremony, Arie got rid of Bibiana, who cursed and cried. “I am broken,” Bibiana surmised.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 30 points
1. Tia - 5
2. Seinne - 4
3. Jacqueline - 3
4. Annaliese - 3
5. Maquel - 4
6. Jenna - 4
7. Marikh - 4
+3 last team standing bonus

A&E narrowly won the last team standing bonus, as Lauren S's meltdown preceded Annaliese's. With Tia, Seinne and Jacqueline all likely ticketed for impending one-on-ones, the defending champs should be back in the mix.

Bri & Doug - 27 points
1. Caroline - 5
2. Becca - 5
3. Brittany - 4
4. Jenny - 2
5. Bibiana - 3
6. Brittany - 4
7. Marikh - 4
Brittany didn't get much screen time and could be a goner soon. That would leave B&D with effectively two players, so they could be facing an uphill battle.

Andrea & Zack - 26 points
1. Bekah - 5
2. Caroline - 5
3. Chelsea - 5
4. Lauren B - 3
5. Jenny - 2
6. Bibiana - 3
7. Ashley - 3
I made fun of this team last week, and now they must be chuckling down at us. Bekah & Caroline could both be contenders, and Chelsea may return value in the third round.

Kelly & Phil - 25 points
1. Chelsea - 5
2. Seinne - 4
3. Becca - 5
4. Kendall - 3
5. Maquel - 4
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Ashley - 3
Episode three was an encouraging one for K&P. Chelsea is now getting less of a villain treatment than Krystal while accumulating points. Their other players survived, and they'll continue to collect points.

Julia & Paul - 24 points
1. Krystal - 5
2. Bekah - 5
3. Jacqueline - 3
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Lauren B - 3
6. Jenna - 4
7. Marikh - 4
Julia & Paul have to be concerned about Krystal, but perhaps Jacqueline will make a deep run to keep the Denverites competitive.

Melissa & Tom - 21 points
1. Krystal - 5
2. Tia - 5
3. Annaliese - 3
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Kendall - 3
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Marikh - 4
Dire episode for us, as we had both of the meltdown girls. We'll need a champ and at least one more deep run to have any chance.

Episode Two

Synopsis

“Hey guys!” Chris Harrison greeted the girls, which sparked a discussion between Melissa and me on how to properly address gender-ambiguous groups. No solution was ascertained. Arie and Becca went motorcycling in Malibu where Melissa, Bailey and I went hiking a few times last spring. Krystal expressed concern over the motorcycling, which Melissa concurred with, and perhaps Doug, who used to motorcycle but no longer does, to the best of my knowledge. Arie drank champagne while Becca modelled with a fashion designer. An associate of Neil Lane’s (a regular on the show) showed up with a briefcase with earrings, inspiring Becca and Arie to make out. At night Arie noted that “Becca has definitely set the bar high” which was similar to what he said in the first episode – “Bekah has definitely set the bar high.” He made out with the former Becca after pulling a rope that said “Pull Me.”

Arie then flew in a plane to Scottsdale with Krystal. He revealed he had a job at 16 years old, which was strange because it’s said that working early develops a personality and Arie has no personality. “This could be, like, my life,” Krystal speculated. “Why would you move from San Diego to Scottsdale?” Melissa inquired. Then they went to Arie’s parents house to meet his Dutch parents and family. “I’m sure it wasn’t all rainbows and good times,” Krystal said. “Like when I had my botox the other day,” Melissa said in a Dutch accent pretending to be Arie’s mom. At night they had a dull conversation in a large abandoned building while I wondered if Bama had gotten on the board yet (I decided to watch the second half of the national championship on DVR after watching the first half at Murphy’s). Then they slow danced in a theater (Arie and Krystal, not Alabama and Georgia) while a guy named Connor sang a bad song.

Arie and a large group of women drove cars on a muddy track. Annaliese started crying because it reminded her of a bad experience she had as a child driving bumper cars. “It was just, like, a traumatic experience,” she explained as they showed a weird grainy montage of a young girl driving bumper cars. Annaliese cried again immediately after donning a racing suit, earning double points. Bibiana smashed some other girls. Seinne won. They drank milk. At night The Villain immediately took Arie away. “My patience has been trialed,” Bibiana announced before storming off and slamming a door. Arie aggressively made out with the much-younger Bekah before giving Sienne the date rose.

The next night Aria and Behak made out some more. Bibiana and Krystal had a spat. “You just dug a big ass hole for yourself,” Bibiana said. “There’s a lot of angry people here and I’m just the voice. And…mic drop.” Arie got rid of Lauren G, Valerie who nobody picked, and Jenny who cried and walked out without hugging Arie.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 16 points
1. Tia - 2
2. Seinne - 3
3. Jacqueline - 1
4. Annaliese - 4
5. Maquel - 2
6. Jenna - 2
7. Marikh - 2
Excellent start for the defending champs, as Seinne distinguished herself and Annaliese racked up double crying points.

Melissa & Tom - 15 points
1. Krystal - 3
2. Tia - 2
3. Annaliese - 4
4. Lauren S - 1
5. Kendall - 2
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Marikh - 2
Though Krystal got on the board early, she displayed surprising volatility and villainy. 

Bri & Doug - 15 points
1. Caroline - 2
2. Becca - 3
3. Brittany - 2
4. Jenny - 2
5. Bibiana - 2
6. Brittany - 2
7. Marikh - 2
Becca's date was boring, but she did nothing to hurt her standing. She should cruise into the top ten and could easily go much further.

Kelly & Phil - 14 points
1. Chelsea - 2
2. Seinne - 3
3. Becca - 3
4. Kendall - 2
5. Maquel - 2
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Ashley - 1
I'm not sure it's what Kelly & Phil wanted, but Chelsea played it cool in episode two and kept the target off her back. This could be a solid squad.

Julia & Paul - 12 points
1. Krystal - 3
2. Bekah - 2
3. Jacqueline - 1
4. Lauren S - 1
5. Lauren B - 1
6. Jenna - 2
7. Marikh - 2
Just like that, there are only two teams with all their players remaining (Andie & Eric are the others). It will likely come down to the Laurens vs. Maquel.

Andrea & Zack - 12 points
1. Bekah - 2
2. Caroline - 2
3. Chelsea - 2
4. Lauren B - 1
5. Jenny - 2
6. Bibiana - 2
7. Ashley - 1
Bagdrea picked up right where they left off the Survivor pool - the dungeon.

Episode One and The Draft

Synopsis

Phil, Melissa, Maisie, Bailey and I settled deep into the couch cushions of Phil’s family cabin above Lake George, CO on the evening of New Year’s Day. We had just watched an excellent sunset on Pikes Peak and then the full moon rising above the hillside.

We forgot to record it until 7:03 at which point Melissa thankfully remembered we needed to. So we missed the first couple minutes. When we started it a blonde woman was crying hysterically. Phil explained the blonde woman was a former runner-up whose husband was a racecar driver who died. Apparently a bunch of guys came on the show expecting her to be the Bachelorette but she wasn’t. “She ended up engaged to some guy in Salt Lake,” Phil explained. “I don’t think it worked out.” Melissa noted the blonde looked remarkably like Kelly. Phil noted that she actually looked remarkably like his ex-wife.

I finally realized the blonde was the actual Bachelorette and we were watching a replay of her breaking this guy in a purple shirt’s heart. It turned out purple shirt guy was going to be the Bachelor this season. He was revealed to be a realtor with peppered hair. Then they brought in the couple they always bring in to prove Bachelor can actually work even though we all know the actual rate of it finding a surviving long-term couple is around 5%, lower than the odds of finding someone via Tinder, a blind date, a dog park, a bar, Russian mail order, Burning Man, a political rally, or an AA meeting. Then a baby talked. I think it was that guy Sean mimicking what a baby would talk like.

There was a montage of the Bachelor getting his picture taken and driving a sports car. Phil asked us if we watched the “Coming Up” previews at the start of every commercial. We said we did not and thankfully he concurred which cuts viewing time down by about 20%, which was key cause we had another college football playoff game to watch after (it ended up being a dud). Chris Harrison previewed the show, noting the Bachelor was “arguably the best kisser we’ve ever had.” There was a vignette of a single mom from Maine spreading peanut butter, a realtor from Florida who was proud of her salesmanship, a 23 year-old photographer, an orthopedic nurse, an Arkansan immediately stereotyped as Raven 2.0 who then turned out to be a good friend of Raven’s, who is becoming a regular on the show. Then a ukulele-playing taxidermist came on.  “I’ve never had a relationship over a year,” she admitted. “Shocking,” Phil said. “Is this our season’s version of Whabooom?”

Then there were vignettes for a rock climber with a low-pitched voice, an Indian restaurant owner with a high-pitched voice, and a fitness coach from San Diego with a sad story about a homeless brother and a high-pitched voice.

The Bachelor, who was named Arie, got out of a limo and talked to Chris Harrison briefly. Then a limo filled with contestants pulled up. The first one out was the realtor, who stumbled over speaking her words. She told a cheesy realtor joke and went in. “This is starting off well,” Arie said. Here are my notes on the contestants:

Caroline - realtor

Chelsea – villain

Kendall – nervous

Seinne – elephants

Tia – Raven 2.0 good pick

Bibiana – babies would have blue eyes not liked by M

Bri – sports reporter

Jenny – graphic designer

Brittane J. – black, sticker that said “nice butt”

Jacqueline – New Yorker

Krystal - ***GOOD PICK*** music slowed down to romantic when she got out

Nysha – nurse

Valerie – server, Nashville, maroon-dyed hair

Bekah – rock climber hasn’t shown age

Jenna – lot of hand motions “so pretty” according to Arie

Marikh – Indian restaurant owner

Olivia – 23

Becca – decent, dropped to one knee

Lauren S – (Melissa nodded approval)

Lauren J – old Masters graduate

Lauren B – blonde

Lauren G – executive recruiter, black

Ashley - ***good pick***

Brittany T. – tech recruiter

Amber – spray tan company owner, Denver

Ali – Dallas stylist

Annaliese – mask

Maquel – photographer, 23

Phil poked fun at Lauren J. “A recent Masters graduate is not an occupation,” he scoffed. “You might as well be a pizzamaker.” He and Melissa also noted she was too old for Arie. Phil compared the mask-wearer to a former male contestant who was “a knobjob who wore a mask the first two episodes.” Phil then said the villain was a must-draft with our new double-drafting rules.

Chris Harrison told Arie to “get ready for the night of your life” and the latter went inside. The girls greeted him enthusiastically. Arie thanked them for coming on the show and they began drinking. The villain unsurprisingly stole Arie away immediately. “At the end of the day I am not a rude person,” the villain claimed even though they had just shown a bunch of clips proving otherwise. “Chelsea is very good at leaving me wanting more,” Arie said. Phil noted he hadn’t put his cufflinks on yet. The 23 year-old photographer stole him next while they further villainized Chelsea. The 23 year-old stereotypically took a selfie with Arie, who discussed how he had grown since his previous stint on the show. “Then I was more of a boy and now I’m more than a man,” Arie said. “I just threw up a little in my mouth,” Phil said. It may have been a precursor for the draft, which Phil missed cause he wasn’t feeling well.

“Interracially I have not had a successful relationship with a white guy,” one of the black ladies announced. Arie drove tiny racecars with Brittany with a Y and kissed her. “That was a lame kiss,” Phil said. “Their lips just grazed,” Melissa said. “That was such a great kiss,” Brittany said before exaggerating the kiss to the cameras and the other ladies. The villain was not pleased. “This mama means business,” she stated.

The girl with the ukulele played it for Arie. The girl with the mask kept it on for some reason. Melissa liked her. Someone, Caroline I think, wisely offered him pizza. “I’m never a fan of sticking something into someone’s mouth they don’t know is coming,” Phil said. Melissa concurred. “We don’t know allergies yet. It could be a safety issue.” Jenna had a strange encounter with Arie but he said he wanted to keep her around. “She’s a BSC,” Phil said. “Bat-shit crazy.” Annaliese took off her mask and had a fireside chat with Arie. Melissa nodded approvingly.

Chris Harrison delivered the First Impression Rose. “He just earned himself a couple grand,” Melissa said. The Villain stole Arie away again and made out with him. Then the Villain bragged about it to the girls. Some girls acted catty. Arie talked with more girls. Bekah asked him what three things made him excited to be alive. “Excitement” was Arie’s first answer. “Bekah has definitely set the bar high,” Arie said. “She’s twelve,” Melissa said.

Brittany with a Y speculated she might get the First Impression Rose because she kissed him first. “Are we calling a peck a kiss now?” Phil wondered. Arie gave the Villain the first impression rose. “Oh, no!” Phil exclaimed. Melissa booed loudly. “It feels like it just began,” the Denverite said. “It did just begin,” Melissa reminded her. “It feels like it is that way because it is that way,” Phil added. “Honestly, I would be like really devastated,” the Denverite concluded.

At a sunrise Rose Ceremony, the 23 year-old got the final rose. Arie got rid of the one whose dad had already met Arie. “It is what it is,” she surmised after some tears. The Denverite was disappointed. “It just sucks,” she said. Then she cried. “I know I deserve love,” she sobbed. “It’s been 18 hours,” Phil reminded her.

On the big preview trailer, they showed Machu Picchu, the Eiffel Tower, a cool-looking ocean and the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The Villain was further villainized. “It’s gonna be absolute mayhem and carnage,” someone predicted. Bekah cried while someone smiled cruelly. “I just can’t stop crying,” someone wept. Another girl cried hysterically. Arie cried, then hiked over a sand dune in a suit. An un-shown ex-boyfriend showed up. Some extremely tense music played. Arie and Sean hugged.

The Draft

Inspired by someone's brilliant expansion idea for Survivor (I forget whose), we decided everyone would be picked twice. This allowed every team to draft seven contestants. We used a triple-snake followed by a final round in which anyone remaining was eligible to everyone. This was the order:

1. Bri & Doug - Caroline
2. Kelly & Phil - Chelsea
3. Andrea & Zack - Bekah
4. Julia & Paul - Krystal
5. Melissa & Tom - Krystal
6. Andie & Eric - Tia
7. Andie & Eric - Seinne
8. Melissa & Tom - Tia
9. Julia & Paul - Bekah
10. Andrea & Zack - Caroline
11. Kelly & Phil - Seinne
12. Bri & Doug - Becca
13. Bri & Doug - Brittany
14. Kelly & Phil - Becca
15. Andrea & Zack - Chelsea
16. Julia & Paul - Jacqueline
17. Melissa & Tom - Annaliese
18. Andie & Eric - Jacqueline
19. Andie & Eric - Annaliese
20. Melissa & Tom - Lauren S
21. Julia & Paul - Lauren S
22. Andrea & Zack - Lauren B
23. Kelly & Phil - Kendall
24. Bri & Doug - Jenny
25. Bri & Doug - Bibiana
26. Kelly & Phil - Maquel
27. Andrea & Zack - Jenny
28. Julia & Paul - Lauren B
29. Melissa & Tom - Kendall
30. Andie & Eric - Maquel
31. Andie & Eric - Jenna
32. Melissa & Tom - Lauren G
33. Julia & Paul - Jenna
34. Andrea & Zack - Bibiana
35. Kelly & Phil - Lauren G
36. Bri & Doug - Brittany

Final Round:
Bri & Doug - Marikh
Kelly & Phil - Ashley
Andrea & Zack - Ashley
Julia & Paul - Marikh
Melissa & Tom - Marikh
Andie & Eric - Marikh

Valerie went unpicked.


The Teams

Bri & Doug
1. Caroline
2. Becca
3. Brittany
4. Jenny
5. Bibiana
6. Brittany
7. Marikh

Kelly & Phil
1. Chelsea
2. Seinne
3. Becca
4. Kendall
5. Maquel
6. Lauren G
7. Ashley

Andrea & Zack 
1. Bekah
2. Caroline
3. Chelsea
4. Lauren G
5. Jenny
6. Bibiana
7. Ashley

Julia & Paul
1. Krystal
2. Bekah
3. Jacqueline
4. Lauren S
5. Lauren B
6. Jenna
7. Marikh

Melissa & Tom
1. Krystal
2. Tia
3. Annaliese
4. Lauren S
5. Kendall
6. Lauren G
7. Marikh

Andie & Eric
1. Tia
2. Seinne
3. Jacqueline
4. Annaliese
5. Maquel
6. Jenna
7. Marikh

I love the new draft system and everyone I've talked to agrees. It corrected the major flaw of our previous simple snake draft, that the show is typically top-heavy as far as which contestants stand out as good picks and the ratio of how many points the contenders score compared to the pretenders. With double-picking, those massive points will go to two owners instead of one. It also made it easier to select the player(s) we felt confident about.

Only one contestant was double-picked by the same team: Brittany by Bri & Doug, curiously in rounds 3 and 6. Caroline was a divisive pick. I know she was very low on Julia & Paul's board and they were stunned to see her go first overall. I rated her very highly, but Melissa did not. Andie & Eric, Julia & Paul and Melissa & I had very similar boards. As Phil proclaimed, he and Kelly stuck to their Villain strategy and grabbed her #2. She wasn't picked again till #15. I was surprised Valerie went unpicked. I didn't see any red hair in the season-preview trailer but she appeared competent. Arie was dreadfully dull in the premiere but the live draft got me fired up for the pool. I hope we can do more live drafts in the future. It was wonderful to see everyone and talk trash in person. Hopefully Kelly & Phil are feeling better by now and Andie & Eric will do the right thing and move back to the Rockies soon.