Episode One and The Draft

Synopsis

Phil, Melissa, Maisie, Bailey and I settled deep into the couch cushions of Phil’s family cabin above Lake George, CO on the evening of New Year’s Day. We had just watched an excellent sunset on Pikes Peak and then the full moon rising above the hillside.

We forgot to record it until 7:03 at which point Melissa thankfully remembered we needed to. So we missed the first couple minutes. When we started it a blonde woman was crying hysterically. Phil explained the blonde woman was a former runner-up whose husband was a racecar driver who died. Apparently a bunch of guys came on the show expecting her to be the Bachelorette but she wasn’t. “She ended up engaged to some guy in Salt Lake,” Phil explained. “I don’t think it worked out.” Melissa noted the blonde looked remarkably like Kelly. Phil noted that she actually looked remarkably like his ex-wife.

I finally realized the blonde was the actual Bachelorette and we were watching a replay of her breaking this guy in a purple shirt’s heart. It turned out purple shirt guy was going to be the Bachelor this season. He was revealed to be a realtor with peppered hair. Then they brought in the couple they always bring in to prove Bachelor can actually work even though we all know the actual rate of it finding a surviving long-term couple is around 5%, lower than the odds of finding someone via Tinder, a blind date, a dog park, a bar, Russian mail order, Burning Man, a political rally, or an AA meeting. Then a baby talked. I think it was that guy Sean mimicking what a baby would talk like.

There was a montage of the Bachelor getting his picture taken and driving a sports car. Phil asked us if we watched the “Coming Up” previews at the start of every commercial. We said we did not and thankfully he concurred which cuts viewing time down by about 20%, which was key cause we had another college football playoff game to watch after (it ended up being a dud). Chris Harrison previewed the show, noting the Bachelor was “arguably the best kisser we’ve ever had.” There was a vignette of a single mom from Maine spreading peanut butter, a realtor from Florida who was proud of her salesmanship, a 23 year-old photographer, an orthopedic nurse, an Arkansan immediately stereotyped as Raven 2.0 who then turned out to be a good friend of Raven’s, who is becoming a regular on the show. Then a ukulele-playing taxidermist came on.  “I’ve never had a relationship over a year,” she admitted. “Shocking,” Phil said. “Is this our season’s version of Whabooom?”

Then there were vignettes for a rock climber with a low-pitched voice, an Indian restaurant owner with a high-pitched voice, and a fitness coach from San Diego with a sad story about a homeless brother and a high-pitched voice.

The Bachelor, who was named Arie, got out of a limo and talked to Chris Harrison briefly. Then a limo filled with contestants pulled up. The first one out was the realtor, who stumbled over speaking her words. She told a cheesy realtor joke and went in. “This is starting off well,” Arie said. Here are my notes on the contestants:

Caroline - realtor

Chelsea – villain

Kendall – nervous

Seinne – elephants

Tia – Raven 2.0 good pick

Bibiana – babies would have blue eyes not liked by M

Bri – sports reporter

Jenny – graphic designer

Brittane J. – black, sticker that said “nice butt”

Jacqueline – New Yorker

Krystal - ***GOOD PICK*** music slowed down to romantic when she got out

Nysha – nurse

Valerie – server, Nashville, maroon-dyed hair

Bekah – rock climber hasn’t shown age

Jenna – lot of hand motions “so pretty” according to Arie

Marikh – Indian restaurant owner

Olivia – 23

Becca – decent, dropped to one knee

Lauren S – (Melissa nodded approval)

Lauren J – old Masters graduate

Lauren B – blonde

Lauren G – executive recruiter, black

Ashley - ***good pick***

Brittany T. – tech recruiter

Amber – spray tan company owner, Denver

Ali – Dallas stylist

Annaliese – mask

Maquel – photographer, 23

Phil poked fun at Lauren J. “A recent Masters graduate is not an occupation,” he scoffed. “You might as well be a pizzamaker.” He and Melissa also noted she was too old for Arie. Phil compared the mask-wearer to a former male contestant who was “a knobjob who wore a mask the first two episodes.” Phil then said the villain was a must-draft with our new double-drafting rules.

Chris Harrison told Arie to “get ready for the night of your life” and the latter went inside. The girls greeted him enthusiastically. Arie thanked them for coming on the show and they began drinking. The villain unsurprisingly stole Arie away immediately. “At the end of the day I am not a rude person,” the villain claimed even though they had just shown a bunch of clips proving otherwise. “Chelsea is very good at leaving me wanting more,” Arie said. Phil noted he hadn’t put his cufflinks on yet. The 23 year-old photographer stole him next while they further villainized Chelsea. The 23 year-old stereotypically took a selfie with Arie, who discussed how he had grown since his previous stint on the show. “Then I was more of a boy and now I’m more than a man,” Arie said. “I just threw up a little in my mouth,” Phil said. It may have been a precursor for the draft, which Phil missed cause he wasn’t feeling well.

“Interracially I have not had a successful relationship with a white guy,” one of the black ladies announced. Arie drove tiny racecars with Brittany with a Y and kissed her. “That was a lame kiss,” Phil said. “Their lips just grazed,” Melissa said. “That was such a great kiss,” Brittany said before exaggerating the kiss to the cameras and the other ladies. The villain was not pleased. “This mama means business,” she stated.

The girl with the ukulele played it for Arie. The girl with the mask kept it on for some reason. Melissa liked her. Someone, Caroline I think, wisely offered him pizza. “I’m never a fan of sticking something into someone’s mouth they don’t know is coming,” Phil said. Melissa concurred. “We don’t know allergies yet. It could be a safety issue.” Jenna had a strange encounter with Arie but he said he wanted to keep her around. “She’s a BSC,” Phil said. “Bat-shit crazy.” Annaliese took off her mask and had a fireside chat with Arie. Melissa nodded approvingly.

Chris Harrison delivered the First Impression Rose. “He just earned himself a couple grand,” Melissa said. The Villain stole Arie away again and made out with him. Then the Villain bragged about it to the girls. Some girls acted catty. Arie talked with more girls. Bekah asked him what three things made him excited to be alive. “Excitement” was Arie’s first answer. “Bekah has definitely set the bar high,” Arie said. “She’s twelve,” Melissa said.

Brittany with a Y speculated she might get the First Impression Rose because she kissed him first. “Are we calling a peck a kiss now?” Phil wondered. Arie gave the Villain the first impression rose. “Oh, no!” Phil exclaimed. Melissa booed loudly. “It feels like it just began,” the Denverite said. “It did just begin,” Melissa reminded her. “It feels like it is that way because it is that way,” Phil added. “Honestly, I would be like really devastated,” the Denverite concluded.

At a sunrise Rose Ceremony, the 23 year-old got the final rose. Arie got rid of the one whose dad had already met Arie. “It is what it is,” she surmised after some tears. The Denverite was disappointed. “It just sucks,” she said. Then she cried. “I know I deserve love,” she sobbed. “It’s been 18 hours,” Phil reminded her.

On the big preview trailer, they showed Machu Picchu, the Eiffel Tower, a cool-looking ocean and the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The Villain was further villainized. “It’s gonna be absolute mayhem and carnage,” someone predicted. Bekah cried while someone smiled cruelly. “I just can’t stop crying,” someone wept. Another girl cried hysterically. Arie cried, then hiked over a sand dune in a suit. An un-shown ex-boyfriend showed up. Some extremely tense music played. Arie and Sean hugged.

The Draft

Inspired by someone's brilliant expansion idea for Survivor (I forget whose), we decided everyone would be picked twice. This allowed every team to draft seven contestants. We used a triple-snake followed by a final round in which anyone remaining was eligible to everyone. This was the order:

1. Bri & Doug - Caroline
2. Kelly & Phil - Chelsea
3. Andrea & Zack - Bekah
4. Julia & Paul - Krystal
5. Melissa & Tom - Krystal
6. Andie & Eric - Tia
7. Andie & Eric - Seinne
8. Melissa & Tom - Tia
9. Julia & Paul - Bekah
10. Andrea & Zack - Caroline
11. Kelly & Phil - Seinne
12. Bri & Doug - Becca
13. Bri & Doug - Brittany
14. Kelly & Phil - Becca
15. Andrea & Zack - Chelsea
16. Julia & Paul - Jacqueline
17. Melissa & Tom - Annaliese
18. Andie & Eric - Jacqueline
19. Andie & Eric - Annaliese
20. Melissa & Tom - Lauren S
21. Julia & Paul - Lauren S
22. Andrea & Zack - Lauren B
23. Kelly & Phil - Kendall
24. Bri & Doug - Jenny
25. Bri & Doug - Bibiana
26. Kelly & Phil - Maquel
27. Andrea & Zack - Jenny
28. Julia & Paul - Lauren B
29. Melissa & Tom - Kendall
30. Andie & Eric - Maquel
31. Andie & Eric - Jenna
32. Melissa & Tom - Lauren G
33. Julia & Paul - Jenna
34. Andrea & Zack - Bibiana
35. Kelly & Phil - Lauren G
36. Bri & Doug - Brittany

Final Round:
Bri & Doug - Marikh
Kelly & Phil - Ashley
Andrea & Zack - Ashley
Julia & Paul - Marikh
Melissa & Tom - Marikh
Andie & Eric - Marikh

Valerie went unpicked.


The Teams

Bri & Doug
1. Caroline
2. Becca
3. Brittany
4. Jenny
5. Bibiana
6. Brittany
7. Marikh

Kelly & Phil
1. Chelsea
2. Seinne
3. Becca
4. Kendall
5. Maquel
6. Lauren G
7. Ashley

Andrea & Zack 
1. Bekah
2. Caroline
3. Chelsea
4. Lauren G
5. Jenny
6. Bibiana
7. Ashley

Julia & Paul
1. Krystal
2. Bekah
3. Jacqueline
4. Lauren S
5. Lauren B
6. Jenna
7. Marikh

Melissa & Tom
1. Krystal
2. Tia
3. Annaliese
4. Lauren S
5. Kendall
6. Lauren G
7. Marikh

Andie & Eric
1. Tia
2. Seinne
3. Jacqueline
4. Annaliese
5. Maquel
6. Jenna
7. Marikh

I love the new draft system and everyone I've talked to agrees. It corrected the major flaw of our previous simple snake draft, that the show is typically top-heavy as far as which contestants stand out as good picks and the ratio of how many points the contenders score compared to the pretenders. With double-picking, those massive points will go to two owners instead of one. It also made it easier to select the player(s) we felt confident about.

Only one contestant was double-picked by the same team: Brittany by Bri & Doug, curiously in rounds 3 and 6. Caroline was a divisive pick. I know she was very low on Julia & Paul's board and they were stunned to see her go first overall. I rated her very highly, but Melissa did not. Andie & Eric, Julia & Paul and Melissa & I had very similar boards. As Phil proclaimed, he and Kelly stuck to their Villain strategy and grabbed her #2. She wasn't picked again till #15. I was surprised Valerie went unpicked. I didn't see any red hair in the season-preview trailer but she appeared competent. Arie was dreadfully dull in the premiere but the live draft got me fired up for the pool. I hope we can do more live drafts in the future. It was wonderful to see everyone and talk trash in person. Hopefully Kelly & Phil are feeling better by now and Andie & Eric will do the right thing and move back to the Rockies soon.