Episodes 6 & 7

Episode 6

Synopsis

Nick V met the other contestants. He was quickly questioned about recently meeting former Bachelorette Andi Dorfman. V said they “buried the hatchet” but it was unclear if that was a euphemism. The guys sat around grumpily swilling their beverages except for Tanner who cross-examined V as if he was on trial for murder. “I don’t like it,” the Welder seethed. “I don’t like it at all.” Ryan Gosling rubbed his chin stubble.

The cocktail party was at a baseball stadium. JJ the Jerk pretended Kaitlyn was a baseball bat. Tanner and the Welder continued to complain. Ryan Gosling panicked like Zack on Dr. Mario level 20 after receiving an early double. Kaitlyn peaced Ryan B, Jonathan and Corey at the rose ceremony, giving A&E the last team standing bonus.

The remaining dudes went to a hotel in San Antonio and continued to grumble about Nick V. “I’m sick of talking about Nick V already and I’m only 20 minutes in,” Melissa texted. Ben H and Kaitlyn drove a red truck to a dance hall. They competed in a dancing contest with some rednecks including an ancient white-haired Texan lady Melissa liked. Ben H was ok and Kaitlyn was pretty good. At dinner Ben H talked about a relationship that went bust and got a rose.

Kaitlyn then went on a mammoth mariachi group date with every guy and his brother. They were all pretty bad, but Ian particularly “choked” in his own words. Nick V put on a big production. He couldn’t sing worth a damn but had some decent rhymes. “Kudos to the guys who gave Nick V kudos,” Melissa texted. Those guys were self-secure Jared and, surprisingly, Tanner.

For some reason the Welder had Kaitlyn give him a haircut. She screwed up and buzzed one side of his hair off. It didn’t stop his incessant whining about Nick V. “Nobody wants to be that weasel that throws somebody under the bus,” the Welder said as he blew out his rotator cuff trying and failing to toss Nick V under a 32-foot yellow vehicle driven by Ms. Frizzle. Instead the Welder found himself hoisted beneath the wheels of the RTD flagship by every other guy on the show. JJ the Jerk made his standard proclamation: “You lied to all of our faces.” “If you were a good guy you wouldn’t do that,” Jared added. Kaitlyn paved an HOV lane for the wheeled mass transit vehicle by giving Nick V the date rose.

Ryan Gosling dropped a “right reasons” before going kayaking with Kaitlyn. His hair, five o’clock shadow, smell (according to Kaitlyn) and torso (according to Melissa) were all immaculate. Gosling defended the Welder, told Kaitlyn some car crash stories as if they were Walter White’s secrets then told her he was falling in love with her.   

Ian finally fulfilled his stereotype (the Ivy League stereotype, not the black stereotype, Paul) with a splendid eruption of douchebaggery. A few highlights:

• “This the first time in my life that I feel like I’m flying under the radar.”
• “A lot of women like me. I don’t think that’s ever been an issue for me.”
• “I don’t understand why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want me – Princeton graduate, former model that defied death and has been around the world a couple of times.”
• “I don’t think that Kaitlyn understands the full extent of who I am – and who I am is a catch: good-looking guy who’s smart.”
• “I would make a great Bachelor. If I was on the other side of the coin, that if I had 25 options, that it would be something that could definitely work out.”
• “I don’t find Kaitlyn interesting. I don’t think that’s something wrong with me, I think that’s something wrong with her.”
• “She’s not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend.”
• “Against all of my logic, Kaitlyn doesn’t want someone like me."
• “If one of these lames is better than me, then just pick one of the lames. Like, I bring so much more to the table than any of these guys here. I have a good job, good education, charisma, brains, looks. If that wasn’t impressive enough, then I don’t know what else is impressive here.” Perhaps humility.
• “I am an enigma, and who I am is a gift you unwrap from life.”
• “I meet chicks and I have a lot of sex in my own life.”

Episode 7

Melissa, Bailey and I plopped down on the couch in our Las Vegas rental after delightfully stuffing our stomachs at Holstein's courtesy of Julia's recommendation. Melissa thought the old TV looked strange. “This TV makes it look like a cheap soap opera,” Melissa said. “It is,” I explained. Ian got right back to his expulsion of narcissism:

• “What I am is pretty deep.”
• “I’m too deep a thinker. I’m too self-aware.”
• “I went to Princeton, Deerfield, and that’s what I have to offer.”
• “I’m an interesting guy. I’ve had a lot of different experiences.”
• “I’m being punished for being an intellectual.”
• “I don’t find that women have trouble relating to me because I’m too deep.”
• “I feel like I’m destined to be The Bachelor. If I was made Bachelor I think they would come out of the woodworks, mannn. I think they’d be like, oh $*@!, I want to go out with that guy. He’s so deep.”

Kaitlyn summarized her (and all of our) feelings with this statement: “I am like, angry right now.”

Nick V capitalized on Kaitlyn's hurt with a visit while the Welder & company complained. “I’m starting to lose my mind,” Ryan Gosling said, then went up to talk to Kaitlyn only to see her making out with V. “I can’t believe the stuff Ian said to me,” Kaitlyn said. “Me neither,” I said.

Chris Harrison came in, cheerily chimed a glass, and brought the crew to the Alamo for the Rose Ceremony. “Oh dear God, it’s a different battle of survival,” the Welder murmured in terror. “Game faces, guys,” Gosling said. Harrison told Kaitlyn it wouldn’t get any easier and that he was excited to be in his home state. “Texan,” Melissa said. “Answers a lot of questions."

“Do you think the Welder is going home?” Melissa asked. “I think Tanner is gone,” I replied. “Which one’s Tanner?” Melissa asked. “Exactly,” I said.

“There’s a reason they call Texas the Wild West,” the Dentist said. He later added “I want a rose so bad I would pull my own tooth.” 

“The Alamo is my last stand,” the Welder said. He was right. He made sure to fire a parting shot at Nick V on his way out. Justin was also sent packing.

The guys went to Ireland and drank stouts. To the disgust of Ryan Gosling and co., Kaitlyn chose Nick for a one-on-one date. They went to a park. Kaitlyn was frightened by birds. Then they went and bought rings from a woman who looked like an older JK Rowling. Then they made out in an alley. Then they went to a pub. Instead of drinking they made out in front of an old guy.

They had dinner in some church. Or rather, they had a sip of whiskey and got back to making out. “In a church? Come on,” Melissa said. Kaitlyn asked V to come back to her hotel. On the way, they furiously made out under an arch. At the hotel they made out on a couch while V touched her leg. “I want to know every part of you,” Nick said. “You never say that to me, geez,” Melissa said.

Kaitlyn and Nick went into a room in her suite and closed the door. They seemed to still be mic'd up though, or maybe the audio equipment the eight other production guys in the room held was just powerful. There were sounds of Kaitlyn and Nick V continuing to make out, occasional snippets like “I could get a hold of you”, a lot of heavy breathing, and some moaning before an ominous fade-out.

The next morning Kaitlyn wore a bathrobe and peered out from a balcony while Nick V strolled back to the hotel. When he got there he told the guys about their date. Sort of. "We went to a park, hung out at a bar for a while, and then she took me back to her hotel and we just kinda chilled on the couch." “And then I boned her,” Melissa added. 

Six of them went to a dark room and saw Kaitlyn lying in a coffin. They composed speeches pretending that she was dead. Tanner’s was superb. Jared’s was meh. The Dentist’s "Danny Boy" rendition was sorta amusing. Ben H said “um” a lot and didn’t rhyme. Ryan Gosling made a good joke at V’s expense. Ben Z had the other guys leave and muttered something emo.

That night they went to the Guinness Factory and swilled Guinness while Kaitlyn drank white wine for unknown reasons. Ryan Gosling pulled out some photos of his family to show Kaitlyn. Actual paper pictures. Apparently he doesn’t have a phone. Kind of like Paul six months ago. Kaitlyn gave Jared the date rose and they walked up a candlelit path to see the Cranberries play the song “Linger.” Jared said the Cranberries were Kaitlyn’s “favorite band” which seems hard to believe because the Cranberries are nobody’s favorite band, though I do actually believe their song “Dreams” is the most played song in the history of the world. Seriously, I think it is. You hear it everywhere.

Gosling continued his descent into the pain chamber. He swilled his beer contemptuously before stalking off, dropping a string of curses to some production dude, announcing “I can’t do this” and staggering over to Kaitlyn’s hotel room. “I don’t want to do this anymore," he announced. “That’s an obligatory line every season,” Melissa said.

Standings

Andie & Eric: 28 points

Chris: 9

Ben H: 10

Justin: 6
+3 last team standing bonus 

The defending champs have rabbited out to a big lead, but don't appear to have the legs for a stretch run. Justin is busto, the writing is on the wall for the Dentist and H will be lucky to make hometowns.

Andrea & Zack: 24 points

Nick V: 12

Tanner: 8

Jonathan: 4
Well, well, well. A to Z's controversial selection of V at #1 overall is starting to look genius. V passed Gosling and the Bens with a monster 8-point episode (1-on-1 date, rose, sex) and now trails only Jared in points. Most importantly, V is now the overwhelming favorite for Final Rose. Sure Kaitlyn is horny, but asking V to spend the night goes deeper than lust. She wouldn't have done this unless she was planning on going with him at the end. Tanner has proven a worthy second banana. This is V's show to lose and A to Z's pool to lose. 

Melissa & Tom: 22 points

Jared: 13

Ian: 8

Clint: 1

Ian grabbed three points for "exiting on his own accord", while both Jared and Gosling accrued the 2-point bonus for telling Kaitlyn they were falling in love with her last week. They appear to be headed for a climactic three-man battle royale with Nick V unless news of Kaitlyn and V's boinking breaks and one, two or all three of these hotheads lose it while JJ laughs smugly from an interview studio. 

Bri & Doug: 21 points

Joshua: 6

Ben Z: 11

Ryan B: 4

Manly Ben Z appears ticketed for a top-5 finish, but doesn't have the magnetism of Gosling, V or Jared. There's nothing to see here.

Julia & Paul: 17 points

Shawn B: 10

Joe: 7

Cory: 0

Uh oh. This team looked strong as recently as a week ago but could be in big trouble. It's hard to tell if Gosling is cracking or if his struggles have been overblown, but he's starting to look a little more like the guy on the left here. He could even find himself in the hearse before the next commercial break. I still think he's going top three but he's fallen way behind Jared and V. Should Gosling stick it out, he'll be the favorite to be next season's Bachelor. Meanwhile, Kentucky Joe is an underdog to survive an impending 2-on-1 vs. JJ the Jerk.

Kelly & Phil: 13 points

Corey: 3

JJ: 9

Daniel: 1

Ouch. The one-time champs have just about locked up a last-place finish already. It will be a bummer when JJ departs and not just for K&P. With Ian out, the Jerk is the most entertaining dude left. His screentime has waned since Clint's departure, but every smarmy comment has been gold.

Episode 5

Synopsis

Kaitlyn gave Clint the boot. “He has really little ears for his head size,” Julia observed. “They’re like child ears!” She was right – they were tiny, which was more obvious after Paul rewound it and we examined them three more times. “I think you should say sorry to all of us right now,” JJ the Jerk said to his supposed BFF and they got into a cursing match. After Clint left JJ started crying, slapped himself and told himself to “Suck it up.”

During the aftermath Julia laughed at the box of potatoes the guys had in their kitchen. “It’s like they’re just going to pick them up and eat them like apples or something,” she said.

“JJ and Clint’s break-up was by far the most dramatic break-up in the history of the Bachelorette,” Jared said. Kaitlyn decided not to have a rose ceremony. Instead, the guys put on their coats and went to New York City. Eight of them went to hang out with some guy named Doug E. Fresh. “Do you know who Dougie Fresh is?” Melissa texted me. “Do you know who that person is?” Julia asked simultaneously.

Dougie Fresh instructed them on how to have a rap battle, 8-Mile style. They attempted to battle. JJ mentioned “NYC hos” and the crowd booed. Ryan Gosling made a good joke while showing off his abs. Justin compared Ryan Gosling to Ryan Gosling. “This is the worst rap battle I have ever seen,” Kaitlyn summarized.

After the battle Kaitlyn chatted with some former cast members including Ashley Kardashian. Nick V came back on the show. Apparently they’d chatted on social media. “The idea that you could potentially get engaged and I wouldn’t have met you kinda bugged me,” Nick said. Kaitlyn wasn’t sure what to do but was clearly intrigued. “Look at those eyes. She’s enamored with him,” Paul said.

Kaitlyn went back to the group date and told the guys about Nick V. They were not thrilled about it. Cool and confident Ryan Gosling seemed shaken for the first time. “He considered himself the front-runner before,” Julia said. “He’s not happy,” Paul noted. “At all.”

Kaitlyn went and met Nick V on a dark pier next to a big boat. “So emo with the voice over and the city scenes,” Melissa texted. As Nick V and Kaitlyn talked and kissed I halfheartedly tried to defend him. It was unsuccessful. “I think he’s extremely self-centered,” Paul said. “I think he’s a media whore,” Julia said. “What a weird, slimy dude,” Melissa texted.

I said it was OK for Nick V to call Andi out for sleeping with him because she said “It was always Josh” and got engaged to Josh a couple days after. Julia argued that if Nick V had been a woman he would be seen as naïve and looked down upon for sleeping with Andi. “Two wrongs don’t make a right, Moon. Write that down,” Paul proclaimed, then said the quote was from “a Ryan Reynolds movie.” Julia informed him it was an old saying. Paul said he knew that, he just meant the “Write that down” part.

Kaitlyn went back and told the guys she was going to sleep on the decision. “Why are they all wearing jackets inside?” Julia inquired. Justin was the only one who was cool about Nick V, so he got the group date rose. “That might be the least significant rose in the history of the show,” Tanner said.

They went back and told the other guys at the hotel. The Welder was not pleased. “You have no shot anyways,” Paul said to him. “You should not be upset.” Julia noted that he was wearing a different jacket than he was earlier. “She’s making a poor decision Moon,” Paul declared. “Ugh,” Julia moaned. “I agree.”

Kaitlyn went and got her hair done by crazy Ashley S. “Omg!! So many old cast members!” Melissa texted. Both Melissa and Zack sarcastically texted quotes from Kaitlyn’s conversation with crazy Ashley S. “She’s actually an intelligent person,” was Melissa’s. “I still would not let her near my head with a curling iron!!! Yikes!!” Zack’s was “After talking with Ashley S, I’m more confused than ever.” Despite her alleged confusion, Kaitlyn went and met Nick V. again and invited him to be on the show.

Poor Jared had to follow that up. He did get to meet Kaitlyn at the Met with nobody there (except for the cameramen, the producers, the prop and costume people, makeup artists, the boom operator, etc.) Kaitlyn was distracted thinking about Nick V (and possibly the boom operator for all we know) but Jared hung in there and recited a poem. Then they went on a helicopter ride and made out.

Kaitlyn broke the news to the guys that Nick V would be joining the show. Ryan Gosling was not pleased. “Whhhoaaa, look at his face!” Julia gasped. “I do not like the energy right now in this room,” Kaitlyn said. Ryan B asked if she might start pulling guys in off the street and referenced vampires.

Ian, The Dentist, Kentucky Joe, The Welder and Ben H went to Broadway to participate in a stage production of Aladdin. They hung out with a producer who looked like James Spader, the Aladdin actor who looked like Mark Sanchez and the Jasmine actress who looked like Jasmine. They had the guys act and sing.

The Welder struggled mightily. Joe didn’t know the words. Paul cursed. “Ian looks the part,” Paul said. “He’s vaguely ethnic, so he’s Aladdin?” Julia questioned sarcastically. “I mean, he sang the best,” Paul stammered. The Dentist gave it everything he had. “I don’t think he’s mocking it,” the James Spader guy said. “He just doesn’t know what he’s doing.” Still, they chose The Dentist, then let them be on stage for like five seconds without letting them talk.

Then Kaitlyn and The Dentist went and saw the Times Square Ball, which The Dentist considered to be “The center of the universe.” The show ended without a rose ceremony for a second straight time. Instead it ended ominously with Nick V. riding an elevator up to meet the other contestants. 

Standings

Bri & Doug: 15 points

Joshua: 4

Ben Z: 7

Ryan B: 4

B&D are just cruising along. It's obvious Ben Z is their only pony worth sweating, but he's a legit contender and the others (along with a possible last team standing bonus) have done enough to give them a shot.

Andie & Eric: 15 points

Chris: 5

Ben H: 5

Justin: 5

The Dentist finally got some one-on-one time with Kaitlyn and failed to impress. Julia immediately noted how little chemistry they seemed to have compared to Kaitlyn and Nick V. The Dentist is a plucky chap headed for a depressing limo ride to the airport. Ben H and Justin are similarly unobjectionable and uninspiring. This team appears to lack the firepower to win the pool.

Kelly & Phil: 10 points

Corey: 3

JJ: 6

Daniel: 1

Unless Corey pulls a Whitney - a surprise date that reveals a depth and excitement he thus far hasn't shown - K&P will be relegated to cheering for their boys to escape a last-place finish. That will mean rooting for JJ the Jerk. Not fun times.

Melissa & Tom: 9 points

Jared: 6

Ian: 3

Clint: 1

The good news is Jared is has the chops to challenge for a championship. He's probably not in the mix for next Bachelor, but has a good shot at bringing Kaitlyn up Noreast for Hometowns. The bad news is Clint's self-destruction cost us three points and a shot at last team standing. Ian might soon be following Clint out the door, though he does have a chance at a self-chosen exit bonus.

Andrea & Zack: 8 points

Nick V: 0

Tanner: 4

Jonathan: 4
V will finally crack the scoreboard at the upcoming rose ceremony, but will Tanner and Jonathan survive? V may be all A to Z have left in just a few minutes of showtime.

Julia & Paul: 7 points

Shawn B: 3

Joe: 4

Cory: 0

Kentucky Joe is headed back to the boonies soon, so all the point-earning will be charged to Ryan Gosling. He'll produce with the best of em, but the gap is already 8 points and figures to grow before it shrinks. This could be the season where the team with the winner doesn't win the pool.

Dregs: 3 points

Kupah: -2

Tony: 5

I think we should make crying 2-4 pts for men in future seasons and should continue to add point-scoring wrinkles whenever we think of them. The more ways to score points the better.

Episode 4

Synopsis

During a confrontation with Kaitlyn, Kupah promised not to yell any more, then started whispering like I do at school when the noise light goes on at lunch. “This is such a weird f***ing guy,” Tony said. Paul laughed. “It’s not the comment, it’s who it’s coming from!” he gleefully exclaimed. “That’s the weird guy, and he’s calling Kupah weird!" Tony went on to talk about how difficult it had been to step away from his business, dog, and bonsai tree.

At the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn got rid of Daniel the fashion designer and Cory with no E. Then she cried.

Two humongous sumo wrestlers came into the mansion and banged gongs to wake the bachelors up. One of them was said to be the largest person in the history of Japan. JJ the Jerk said he loved Japanese culture and tried to support it with examples but couldn’t come up with anything other than sushi.

Six guys went sumo wrestling with the pros. JJ the Jerk made fun of The Healer’s butt. Joe’s left testicle hung out. The Healer got fired up to wrestle, predictably had trouble with the 600 pounders, then complained to Kaitlyn about the violent nature of her group dates. Melissa sent a text saying “Omg. I love Tony.” JJ the Jerk came over and escalated the conflict.  They had sumo wrestling matches. Clint, who wrestled in college, did the best.

During a commercial break Paul complained about the butterfly effect of Kupah’s exit. “Obviously after Kupah left she couldn’t get rid of Jonathan in the next rose ceremony or two,” he said bitterly. “So Bag got bailed out by that bulls**t.”

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, The Healer expressed his desire to go to the zoo, then packed his bags and left. It was unclear if he went to the zoo or went home.

Kaitlyn gave the group date rose to Ryan Gosling, which lightly perturbed Clint – but not that much because of his budding feelings for JJ the Jerk.

Kaitlyn took Ben Z to a haunted house they had to escape from. “Is this where they have sex?” our friend SamENole asked. It was actually similar to a thing Zack had just told me and Paul about. Kaitlyn was frightened. Ben Z was courageous until he had to go into a room with snakes in it. SamENole checked Twitter. Paul watched carefully even though he’d seen it the night before with Julia. Kaitlyn and Ben Z escaped the haunted house just before a toxic gas leak.

Ben Z told Kaitlyn he didn’t cry when his mom died and that he hadn’t cried in eleven years. Then they got in a hot tub, clinked champagne and made out.

Six dudes went to an elementary school to be substitute teachers. Naturally I got fired up while Nole and Paul talked about Nole’s laptop. They had to do sex education (the guys on the show, not Paul and Nole). The Welder said he learned everything he needed to know about sex from cows. The guys had to teach a bunch of stuff that would have been borderline-appropriate for high school students. Right about the time Nole and I realized this couldn’t be real Kaitlyn revealed that the kids were actors and it had been staged. Ben H got the rose and Jared took it well.

Clint and JJ the Jerk got hot and heavy, taking showers together, talking about turtles and playing guitars and stuff. Clint told the cameras he wasn’t interested in Kaitlyn but wanted to stay on because of his relationship with JJ the Jerk, so he put on his “power socks” and a good guy front and made up (and out) with Kaitlyn. Then he went back and drank ominously with JJ the Jerk. “Looks like we’re gonna have to catch some snakes,” Clint said to JJ. It was the second time he mentioned “snakes”, which Paul interpreted to mean “penises.” I was just confused. “Villains gotta vill,” Clint said and clinked glasses with JJ. 

The Welder and some other guys – “13 out of 15” according to Kaitlyn – told her that Clint was sketching out. “Clint is one of the biggest douches in Bachelor history,” Kaitlyn announced. “You don’t get negative points if the Bachelorette calls one of your guys a douche, do you?” Paul asked. “He has no idea what’s in store for him,” Kaitlyn said (referring to Clint, not Paul). “He is going to go down in flames.”

Standings

Bri & Doug: 12 points

Joshua: 3

Ben Z: 6

Ryan B: 3

Another excellent episode for B&D. Ryan B isn't getting enough screen time to contend, but if he can outlast Justin they should snag the last team standing bonus.

Melissa & Tom: 9 points

Jared: 3

Ian: 2

Clint: 4

Paul thought Clint was bisexual and fell in love with JJ, but JJ was probably straight and just liked him as a friend. Melissa and Kaitlyn called him a douche. I have no clue what to think. I guess it's douchey to hang around the show if you're not interested in the Bachelorette. The edit was confusing; it was unclear if ABC had a tricky situation on their hands and didn't know how to handle it or if Clint just went off the deep end.

Andie & Eric: 8 points

Chris: 2

Ben H: 4

Justin: 2

The defending champs are back in the mix with a trio of nice guys that won't finish last. We're still waiting on a breakthrough for The Dentist, but Ben H should keep the torch lit even if that never happens.

Julia & Paul: 7 points

Shawn B: 4

Joe: 3

Cory: 0

Even in a quiet episode, Ryan Gosling managed to win the group date rose. He's probably still the favorite despite Jared's rise. Gosling has a composure few of the others do. A Gosling win could be enough for J&P to win the pool, but that donut from Cory is going to hurt.

Kelly & Phil: 7 points

Corey: 2

JJ: 4

Daniel: 1

The noose is tightening on the inaugural pool champs. The fashion designer only managed to muster one point and Corey is having trouble distinguishing himself. JJ hasn't had that problem - he's distinguished himself as the token Villain.

Andrea & Zack: 6 points

Nick V: 0

Tanner: 3

Jonathan: 3

Here comes V to the rescue! He's a firefighter entering the burning building that is A to Z's team. Neither Tanner nor Jonathan appears ticketed for anything better than a double-digit finish. In A to Z's defense, there wasn't much better they could have done with their picks.

Dregs: 3 points

Kupah: -2

Tony: 5

I'm still in favor of +3 for "Exiting the show prematurely on one's own accord", even if it rewards kooks like Tony who fly off the handle. It adds some fun variance to the pool, though it is hard to predict who will off themselves and who will do so involuntarily.