Hometowns

Synopsis

Melissa had it cued up to a shot of a showerhead. “One second in,” she announced. The shots of naked Colton were particularly gratuitous, even for this season. Colton applied cologne. He then rode a carriage with Hannah G, who is quite hot but has an annoying voice and hasn’t gotten the screen time befitting a champion. They ate ice cream while we ate my famous (among the nuclear Fuller family) stir fry. This was a particularly good version, perhaps due to coconut milk used as the oil, perhaps lower cook time, perhaps both. I said Colton was a particularly attractive Bachelor and we were unable to identify one who was clearly better-looking.

Colton did a cookout with Hannah G’s parents, including a dad whose annoying voice was genetically explicable. Melissa absolutely nailed the DVR fast-forward/play through the first commercial.  Hannah G’s sister came on and she looked like Hannah G but not as hot, which is the usual pattern for Bachelor(ette) siblings. Colton talked with Hannah G’s mom, who looked like Hannah G but older, which is the usual pattern for Bachelor contestant moms. It reminded me that this was something I’d look for if I was the Bachelor – aging attributes identifiable through moms. Melissa told me this girl was Caelynn, not Hannah G. Thank goodness for the “Find and Replace” feature, which has come in handy in teaching 4^th/5^th grade writing. I’m a proponent of teaching tech tricks to overcome grammatical challenges. Some old school teachers disagree.

It may have been Eric Schwartz that first noted it, but for the dozenth time it occurred to me that Colton looks like Blake Griffin, but shorter and with less skin blemishes. Colton (and certainly Blake Griffin) might actually be the best player on Eric’s Indiana Pacers, yet they’re still good. Caelynn cried.

Colton went to an Alabaman garden to hang out with the actual Hannah G. They went to a plantation. Hannah G is also hot, but has a less annoying voice than Caelynn. Also her hair is blonder. Otherwise they are indistinguishable. An etiquette instructor told Colton to improve his posture. I checked in on a degenerate college basketball bet I made on KANSAS -4.5 vs Kansas State which easily came through. The funny thing is the GOAT sports bettor Toph bet Kansas State and I found out after tipoff.

“What are your intentions with my daughter, man?” Hannah G’s dad asked. Colton gave a generic, unconvincing response. Hannah G’s mom was way worse-looking than Caelynn’s. Colton surely noted it. Colton asked Hannah G’s dad for his marriage blessing. He slowrolled it and then said absolutely.

Tayshia came on, blindfolded Colton and made a Bird Box joke. I haven’t seen Bird Box but I would choose Tayshia if I was the Bachelor (despite having not seen her mom yet). They went skydiving. Colton expressed concern that he might die a virgin. They survived. Colton told Tayshia he was falling in love with her. Tayshia’s fair-skinned mom was not as good-looking as Caelynn’s mom but much better-looking than Hannah G’s. Colton tried to assure Tayshia’s dad he was into her but five minutes earlier he asked another dad for his marriage blessing.

Melissa and I agreed Tayshia’s dad was good. I joke about the moms but the dads would be just as important for me and Tayshia’s was best. It’s late in the game but I still think Tayshia won’t win and won’t be next Bachelorette even though she’s the best candidate for both.

Next Colton went surfing with Cassie, who has “the perfect balance of sexy and cute.” Cassie’s mom and sister were both hot. Her sister could be Next Bachelorette if they need someone. Her dad was excellently skeptical and one of the best dads they’ve had on.

At an absurdly attractive Rose Ceremony, Colton looked to the heavens for guidance before eliminating Caelynn. He hugged her while she wept. There was some foreshadowing of fantasy suites wherein Hannah G and Cassie both nearly passed out from anticipation of popping Colton’s cherry. There was also another reminder that Colton is going to athletically jump over a fence (and Chris Harrison is going to fail miserably). 

Standings

Team Name	Ponies	Points		Team Name	Ponies	Points		Team Name	Ponies	Points
Melissa	Cassie	24		Andrea & Zack	Cassie	24		Dregs	n/a	n/a
55	Katie	9		87	Caelynn	24		9	Angelique	0
	Erika	1			Demi	11			Annie	0
	Sydney	12			Nicole	11			Catherine	3
	Onyeka	7			Courtney	7			Tracy	6
	Bri	2			Alex	1			n/a	n/a
	Angelique	0			Kirpa	9
Team Name	Ponies	Points		Team Name	Ponies	Points
Bri & Doug	Hannah G.	18		Julia & Paul	Tayshia	18
54	Demi	11		96	Caelynn	24
	Caitlin	1			Tayshia	18
	Nicole	11			Elyse	16
	Erika	1			Courtney	7
	Kirpa	9			Onyeka	7
	Nina	3			Nina	3
Team Name	Ponies	Points		Team Name	Ponies	Points
Andie & Eric	Hannah B.	17		Kelly & Phil	Hannah G.	18
89	Hannah B.	17		49	Katie	9
	Heather	18			Caitlin	1
	Heather	18			Sydney	12
	Elyse	16			Bri	2
	Annie	0			Alex	1
	Catherine	3			Tracy	6

Though they had Caelynn, Julia & Paul were thrilled to see Tayshia outlast her. That positions double-Tayshia to rack up three more fantasy suite points, even if she doesn't advance to the finals. That should be enough to garner another title for J&P unless Tayshia forces Colton to jump over that fence and gets ousted before the next Rose Ceremony. The Denverites kinda own this pool.

Episode 7

There was no shirtless shots of Colton this week. Here is a little something to get you through.

We start with an emo Vlog with Colton about how someone isn’t ready for marriage. He’s a stress ball.  

Stunning views of Colorado makes Tom rewind. Denver looks good on camera! Tom is feeling the February Blues and says that it feels like its been years since its been warm enough to wear a t-shirt. My guess is filmed in Sept. He meets up with ex-Bachelor-Ben for a pep-talk. That only took 1 minute.

Colton shows off his dog (like a true Denverite). He and Tayshia go on a 1 on 1. They explore the Denver staples on a “casual Saturday” - oysters, wine bar, walking his dog, ice cream - even for the dog, fish, some other drink and some dishing about Cassie and Caelynn not being here for the “right reasons.” Colton looks nauseous. Tayshia gets a rose for hometowns and Colton says some things that give Tayshia some hope for long term possibilities.

Hannah B and Cassie cried at the news of Caelynn getting the date. They meet on top of Loveland Pass. It looks cold. They snowboard on some really shitty early season man-made snow. Then they eat dinner at The Fort after a confrontation that cleared nothing up. Caelynn cries and it wins her a rose. They complete the Denver tour with a private concert at Red Rocks by some band who can now say they’ve “played Red Rocks” - if only for 2 people.

Caelynn confronts Tayshia. It was anticlimactic.

Hannah B got a date to meet the parents and immediately regrets wearing a mid-drift. Colton gets a pep talk from his dad to follow his gut. He does and sends Hannah B packing. Hannah B cries.

Group date: Hannah G, Kirpa, Cassie, and Heather - “Saying Goodbye is Never Easy” - 2 women gets roses. They go to Georgetown and ride the train. Heather removes herself from the equation. Cassie cries as she defends herself. Kirpa immediately rats out Cassie and Caelynn. And just like that, Eric’s team is over.

Life Lessons from the Bachelor: women who use their time to talk about other women never do well.

Caelynn crashes the remainder of the group date to gently guide Coltons thoughts towards Cassie. Power move. Kirpa cries. Colton and Cassie pop champagne on top of Union Station. Those will be killer snapshots to hang in their future house when they live in Denver.

To clarify the points for this episode: I am counting the group date as a group date. Therefore both Hannah G and Cassie “won” the group date with their roses. Kirpa got sent home prematurely and involuntarily.

Also, I did not award Caelynn points for “sneaking extra time” because it didn’t seem like she was doing it to “hang out” with him, but just to go, say her piece, and leave.

If you take issue with any of that, please comment :)

Episode 6

Tom here. That's Melissa's husband and the creator of this blog and pool. I don't fully watch the show anymore cause it's two hours long when it should be half an hour. Also, it's bad. But I do like dropping in from time to time. I've watched several chunks of episodes, a few dates, and several rose ceremonies. Here are my observations on this season:

1. Colton makes most of his choices on aesthetics. You might think a virgin would be less enslaved to his penis than the average Bachelor, but it's the opposite. Look at his date with Cassie. Not a shred of legitimate conversation was shown but Cassie surged to the top of the pack on her physical connection with Colton. Look at him keeping Hannah B. around till (at least) hometowns. Hannah B, who offers nothing beyond her looks and had a painfully awkward one-on-one. And look at the women still left. They're all gorgeous (though it has been a loaded season from an aesthetic perspective).

2. Colton is a bullshit artist. When women express a problem or insecurity, he adeptly dissipates their concern. At the same time, he files that problem away in his brain and eliminates them from serious contention. Look at what he did to Demi.

3. Having said these things, I think Colton is a pretty good Bachelor. He's pretty suave, he's pretty social, he's pretty nice and he's pretty pretty.

4. Tayshia is the best choice, but she won't win. She should be next Bachelorette, but won't because Rachel's season got low ratings.

5. Now that all the women left are perfect-looking, Hannah B. won't be able to compete. I was surprised to see her in Hometown previews.

6. This leaves Cassie, Hannah G, Heather and Caelynn. I saw Heather's date and it was decent but not as confidence-inspiring as Cassie's. I don't think her lack of sexual experience is a factor. I haven't seen a ton of Hannah G or Caelynn but they seem hot and normal which are the (only?) two attributes Colton cares about. So I'd expect it to come down to them and Cassie.

7. This prediction would push Eric Schwartz off the mountaintop. Big Eric has a nice lead thanks to a stacking strategy, but it will be tough to win without a Honeymoon Suiter.

8. This prediction would also be trouble for second-place Julia & Paul. They drafted well as usual, but I see them coming up a bit short here.

9. Leaving Andrea & Zack as the most likely winners in my eyes. Kirpa is a goner, but Cassie & Caelynn may finish 1/2.

10. Melissa doesn't take drafting seriously and is being punished for it. She'll avoid last place if Cassie bests Hannah G.

11. Beyond Tayshia, there's not a suitable Bachelorette candidate here. Perhaps ABC will dig into the archives for someone with some charisma.

12. I don't miss the show. Partly cause I still watch some, partly cause of Melissa's blog, and partly cause it's a bad show.

Episode 5

"Demi has arrived in Thailand” she exclaims. ABC shows less restraint this week, only allowing two minutes to go by before Colton appears shirtless.

This week's date card - Heather. “Let’s experience something new” (like kissing??)

They’re going to experience “Everything Thailand has to offer.” I think they’re selling Thailand a little short. “Oh my gosh, this is seriously, like, so cool” Heather says.

“If there was a time I was going to kiss someone this would be the spot,” Heather remarks. "Right in front of the boom mic," Tom adds. “With Colton it’s different," Heather says. You’re right, he’s dating 15 other women. They wind up on a floating city. “Do you blow kisses?” Colton wonders - ha! She’s not THAT prude! The cameraman zooms in on Colton's lips to give us insight into Heather's mind. They watch the sunset and should have kissed.

Colton asks questions to figure out why she’s never been kissed. Somehow she had an 8-month long relationship without kissing?!? Colton is good at being blunt and gentle. She’s obviously not waiting for a magical moment because riding on a boat or sitting and watching a sunset or a candlelit dinner with a dreamy dude are all magical moments that are all worthy of some lip-locking. They don’t kiss but she gets a rose anyway. This dance towards a kiss is so awkward - it’s reminiscent of high school. He was waiting for the right moment, I guess. Just to make sure that she “felt fireworks.” Tom remarks that it would make sense for him to choose another virgin. Less expectation.

Panning back to the house, Elyse gets moody over her perfect date and they show a dreamy recap while she doubts herself and looks at the beautiful ocean. She is in the midst of a gnarly tail spin. She cries.

Elyse continues to spiral and claims she’s “gutted.” She all but rolls her eyes when Heather walks in smiling. And then she leaves thru the front door in a very pretty dress. “That is her statement dress,” someone says. I don’t know what that means. She wants that kind of joy forever, not realizing of course that it is simply not possible. Especially when your boyfriend HAS 15 OTHER GIRLFRIENDS. But she goes to find Colton. 

They chat on his couch and he flawlessly comforts her. She says she can’t accept a proposal after only a few months and spending all this time with other women. I guess she’s never seen the show before. She finally sheds a tear (correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think she was in this dress before). They have a very long embrace and she leaves the show prematurely, on her own accord, and immediately has regret. Eric and Paulia do not have regrets because leaving on your own accord = 3 pts, giving Elyse a huge surge before her exit.

Moving on to the Group Date card: Demi, Caelynn, Hannah B, Sydney, Tayshia, Kirpa, Onyeka, Nicole, Hannah G and Elyse. “Will our love survive?” Most likely not. Your date is dating a dozen other women...

Best Case for Caelynn is she gets to spend a ton of time with Colton, worst case is she gets covered in spiders and snakes. I think the latter is more likely. Colton wants an adventurous woman. Many of them eat bugs except Colton fakes it. Colton is also afraid of snakes. Perhaps he needs to be a little more adventurous before he demands this of his partner. Nicole makes some good strides as she is obviously a capable woman in the jungle. The Hannahs and Demi go and get a cocktail - survival skills at their finest. This brings me to live TV and I can survive a lot of things, but Bachelor without DVR is not survivable so I go play Agricola with Tom.

AAND I’m back! Tom clobbered me.

The Jungle is Hannah B’s element? Is that why she left to go get a cocktail? HEYO The first “I am falling in love with you.” No points awarded as this is not a true “I love you.” Just to be clear.

Onyeka tattles on Nicole to Colton. Although Onyeka just tattled a rumor, which is “awkward” per Tayshia. Tayshia sticks up for Nicole and they go to the bar together. Nicole cries. Hannah B gets the rose - saying the L-word will do that for ya.

Cassie, the first pick of this year's draft, has had shockingly little screen time. This has made me a little nervous since she’s my only viable pony left in the game. I have fears that they skewed the trailer to keep us off their scent.

Cassie and Colton explore Thailand on a “super cute” boat. I breathe a sigh of relief as Colton emphasizes how easy it is to be with her. They’re not doing much exploring except for the inside of each other's mouths. They wind up on a private island that you wouldn’t want to be on during high-tide. They don’t seem to mind. There is more butt grabbing and making out to be had. I feel like I’m watching a little softcore porn with them in the ocean. Their lips finally detach for a moment to eat dinner and talk. A very intimate “You’re special”/ “You’re special” exchange happens. Cassie admits that she’s not a virgin in her late 20s, and is afraid of being judged. Cassie “literally feels like she’s known him for, like, so long” and Colton says “he’s crazy about her.”

Tayshia and Colton wish on a lantern and let it fly away. Despite how cute of an idea it was, Colton's heart is still in bed with Cassie.

Does anyone know what happened to Kirpa’s chin?

Nicole tells Colton that Onyeka is a bully. It doesn’t matter. Neither of these women have a chance. They yell at each other. Colton goes in for a closer look. Then he walks to the ocean and says “I’m over it.” Me too, bro. Me too.

This week's points:

There is a 43 point spread between first and last place. Andie and Eric maintain their lead. I don’t predict that Heather or Hannah B will last forever, although Hannah B’s confession probably got her a little deeper. Paulia made a good pick with Tayshia - I thought that was a bold first pick. But I really shouldn’t talk - I suck at drafting. Mental note for next year: choose girls who look like they’ll cry a lot. Onyeka is a tough broad - she hasn’t cried since middle school, I bet. What was I thinking?!