Episode 5

"Demi has arrived in Thailand” she exclaims. ABC shows less restraint this week, only allowing two minutes to go by before Colton appears shirtless.

This week's date card - Heather. “Let’s experience something new” (like kissing??)

They’re going to experience “Everything Thailand has to offer.” I think they’re selling Thailand a little short. “Oh my gosh, this is seriously, like, so cool” Heather says.

“If there was a time I was going to kiss someone this would be the spot,” Heather remarks. "Right in front of the boom mic," Tom adds. “With Colton it’s different," Heather says. You’re right, he’s dating 15 other women. They wind up on a floating city. “Do you blow kisses?” Colton wonders - ha! She’s not THAT prude! The cameraman zooms in on Colton's lips to give us insight into Heather's mind. They watch the sunset and should have kissed.

Colton asks questions to figure out why she’s never been kissed. Somehow she had an 8-month long relationship without kissing?!? Colton is good at being blunt and gentle. She’s obviously not waiting for a magical moment because riding on a boat or sitting and watching a sunset or a candlelit dinner with a dreamy dude are all magical moments that are all worthy of some lip-locking. They don’t kiss but she gets a rose anyway. This dance towards a kiss is so awkward - it’s reminiscent of high school. He was waiting for the right moment, I guess. Just to make sure that she “felt fireworks.” Tom remarks that it would make sense for him to choose another virgin. Less expectation.

Panning back to the house, Elyse gets moody over her perfect date and they show a dreamy recap while she doubts herself and looks at the beautiful ocean. She is in the midst of a gnarly tail spin. She cries.

Elyse continues to spiral and claims she’s “gutted.” She all but rolls her eyes when Heather walks in smiling. And then she leaves thru the front door in a very pretty dress. “That is her statement dress,” someone says. I don’t know what that means. She wants that kind of joy forever, not realizing of course that it is simply not possible. Especially when your boyfriend HAS 15 OTHER GIRLFRIENDS. But she goes to find Colton. 

They chat on his couch and he flawlessly comforts her. She says she can’t accept a proposal after only a few months and spending all this time with other women. I guess she’s never seen the show before. She finally sheds a tear (correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think she was in this dress before). They have a very long embrace and she leaves the show prematurely, on her own accord, and immediately has regret. Eric and Paulia do not have regrets because leaving on your own accord = 3 pts, giving Elyse a huge surge before her exit.

Moving on to the Group Date card: Demi, Caelynn, Hannah B, Sydney, Tayshia, Kirpa, Onyeka, Nicole, Hannah G and Elyse. “Will our love survive?” Most likely not. Your date is dating a dozen other women...

Best Case for Caelynn is she gets to spend a ton of time with Colton, worst case is she gets covered in spiders and snakes. I think the latter is more likely. Colton wants an adventurous woman. Many of them eat bugs except Colton fakes it. Colton is also afraid of snakes. Perhaps he needs to be a little more adventurous before he demands this of his partner. Nicole makes some good strides as she is obviously a capable woman in the jungle. The Hannahs and Demi go and get a cocktail - survival skills at their finest. This brings me to live TV and I can survive a lot of things, but Bachelor without DVR is not survivable so I go play Agricola with Tom.

AAND I’m back! Tom clobbered me.

The Jungle is Hannah B’s element? Is that why she left to go get a cocktail? HEYO The first “I am falling in love with you.” No points awarded as this is not a true “I love you.” Just to be clear.

Onyeka tattles on Nicole to Colton. Although Onyeka just tattled a rumor, which is “awkward” per Tayshia. Tayshia sticks up for Nicole and they go to the bar together. Nicole cries. Hannah B gets the rose - saying the L-word will do that for ya.

Cassie, the first pick of this year's draft, has had shockingly little screen time. This has made me a little nervous since she’s my only viable pony left in the game. I have fears that they skewed the trailer to keep us off their scent.

Cassie and Colton explore Thailand on a “super cute” boat. I breathe a sigh of relief as Colton emphasizes how easy it is to be with her. They’re not doing much exploring except for the inside of each other's mouths. They wind up on a private island that you wouldn’t want to be on during high-tide. They don’t seem to mind. There is more butt grabbing and making out to be had. I feel like I’m watching a little softcore porn with them in the ocean. Their lips finally detach for a moment to eat dinner and talk. A very intimate “You’re special”/ “You’re special” exchange happens. Cassie admits that she’s not a virgin in her late 20s, and is afraid of being judged. Cassie “literally feels like she’s known him for, like, so long” and Colton says “he’s crazy about her.”

Tayshia and Colton wish on a lantern and let it fly away. Despite how cute of an idea it was, Colton's heart is still in bed with Cassie.

Does anyone know what happened to Kirpa’s chin?

Nicole tells Colton that Onyeka is a bully. It doesn’t matter. Neither of these women have a chance. They yell at each other. Colton goes in for a closer look. Then he walks to the ocean and says “I’m over it.” Me too, bro. Me too.

This week's points:

There is a 43 point spread between first and last place. Andie and Eric maintain their lead. I don’t predict that Heather or Hannah B will last forever, although Hannah B’s confession probably got her a little deeper. Paulia made a good pick with Tayshia - I thought that was a bold first pick. But I really shouldn’t talk - I suck at drafting. Mental note for next year: choose girls who look like they’ll cry a lot. Onyeka is a tough broad - she hasn’t cried since middle school, I bet. What was I thinking?!