Episode Seven and Hometowns

Synopsis 

Episode Seven

“This is a huge week,” JoJo surmised. Chris Harrison told the guys there would be three one-on-ones (without roses) and a group date with a rose. “This week is huge,” he concluded. “Stakes are high,” James Taylor said. “Stakes are very high,” Chase added.

JoJo and the Marine drove through the countryside while the other guys rapped on a bus. It was a well-executed rap with Chase beatboxing (the Erie crew noted this was remarkable because he was from Highlands Ranch) and it made fun of the Marine’s height. The Marine’s date appeared to go horribly. The highlight was when a gaucho calmed a horse into lying down on the grass and letting JoJo and Alex lie on it and stroke it and stroke each other and kiss over it. Doug perceived JoJo’s connection to the horse to be stronger than her connection with the Marine.

JoJo and the Marine ate dinner with a dog that looked a little like Bailey. “Tonight is one of the happiest moments of my life,” the Marine stated. He told JoJo he was falling in love with her. “I don’t really know what to think of it,” JoJo told the cameras. “I feel amazing right now,” the Marine said. “I actually feel great that I can just sit here now, and, boom, breathe.” JoJo cringed and Doug spilled wine on his pants. Fortunately it was just his pants and not Bri & Doug’s new couch. JoJo then told him she didn’t love him, wouldn’t love him, and he should leave. “It definitely sucks that you can’t see that being something that you’d want,” the Marine said. They parted ways.

JoJo and Jordan flew a plane to Mendoza, Argentina, then took a limo to a vineyard, then walked through the vineyard, then smashed grapes with their feet. “Everyone loves the flavor of athlete’s foot,” Bri commented. Jordan revealed that he was estranged from his brother Aaron Rodgers and told JoJo he was in love with her. JoJo’s reaction to this news was nicer than it was for the Marine.

Chase, James Taylor and Robby met JoJo at a hotel in the pouring rain. James Taylor ate a lot of French fries at once. “It made him look highly unattractive and it was hilarious,” Chase guffawed. JoJo dared Robby to run down the hall in his underwear. He did it. Doug wasn’t impressed because he assumed they had the whole floor of the hotel to themselves. James Taylor casually accused Robby of repeatedly checking out other women and Robby said he was lying. Robby told JoJo he had gotten out of a four-year relationship four-and-a-half months ago. Bri, Doug, and Melissa thought “something was not right” with Robby’s appearance. Doug thought it was his big but receding hair. “He won’t have to spend much on swim caps anymore,” Doug poked. Bri thought Robby’s head was too small. Chase told JoJo he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. The guys dropped the word “frontrunner” about twelve times in twenty seconds. Robby got the date rose, giving him extra time to make out with JoJo.

Luke and JoJo did some stuff with horses and went skeet shooting, inspiring reminiscences of the Nintendo game Duck Hunt in Erie. Luke was good with the horses and better with the gun. He also did a good job talking and kissing. JoJo skipped the cocktail party and got rid of James Taylor instead of Chase, probably because she wanted to do a hometown in Denver instead of Katy, Texas. They both cried while the Erie crew googled whether or not JoJo’s boobs were real. They weren’t, according to the internet.

Hometowns

JoJo met Chase at an overlook Melissa quickly identified as Daniels Park. She also finally admitted Chase was “really cute,” perhaps because he was back home in the GOAT state, Colorado. He lived in a cookie-cutter home in a cookie-cutter neighborhood. “THAT looks like Highlands Ranch,” Melissa commented. Chase's dad came over and Chase picked an odd time to ask him why his marriage to Chase’s mother failed. Chase’s dad seemed to like JoJo. “She’s beautiful, and she’s smart, and she’s got a head on her shoulders,” he summarized.

JoJo and Chase’s mom had a conversation on a chairlift in Chase's mom's back yard. “If you’re not having fun, you need to have fun,” Chase’s mom said.  “Good advice,” Melissa said. Then Chase talked to his mom and cried. JoJo wore a sweater/dress/jacket combination that Melissa wondered if she could pull off. Chase told JoJo he was falling in love with her. It was unclear if that was because of the sweater/dress/jacket.

Then JoJo went to Chico, California to see some deer and make out with Jordan in a field. They then went to his old high school. Jordan claimed he had never been there with a girl he liked. “Why didn’t Jordan have girlfriends in high school?” I wondered. “Because he was busy banging all the chicks,” Melissa responded. Jordan brought JoJo to his parents’ house to meet a bunch of family members not including Aaron Rodgers. Bailey started snoring loudly. Jordan’s “weathered” (Melissa’s word) dad talked to JoJo on a couch.

Then JoJo went to Florida to meet Robby, who “couldn’t be troubled” to button more than one button on his shirt according to Melissa. They took a horse-drawn carriage around the town. They saw pirates before having a long boring conversation during which I used Twitter and PayPal. Then they went to a house with a lot of white people. Robby told his brothers he hadn’t slept that week and had had a lot of panic attacks while Melissa fixated on the glasses they were drinking from. JoJo asked Robby’s mom about his ex-girlfriend, leading her to tell him the ex’s roommate had been telling people Robby broke up with the ex just to go on the show. That led to an endless repetitive conversation (the show literally showed some of the same dialogue twice) between Robby and JoJo, so I wrote up a fantasy football trade offer on gmail (Jarvis Landry for Tyrod Taylor in a 2-QB league).

Next up was Luke, still listed as “war veteran”, somewhere in Texas. They met Luke’s parents, sister, and “fifty of [his] closest friends.” They played a little cornhole before talking with the family. Then they rode horses to a couch made out of hay and talked some more. Finally they followed some lanterns to a heart made out of flowers to talk some more. Melissa noticed how quickly the sun set in Texas.

At the rose ceremony, JoJo “forgot the middle part of her dress” according to Melissa. Luke took her aside at the start of the ceremony to tell her he loved her, inspiring JoJo to curse, contemplate, and cry. The episode ended before the end of the rose ceremony. 

Standings

Julia & Paul - 32 points

Robby - 20

Ali - 3

Evan - 9
Robby could lead J&P to victory even if he doesn't win himself. Nine clutch points out of Evan, plus Robby's twenty & counting, could be enough. Jordan & Luke appear to be in better standing for the title, but Robby might be the favorite for next Bachelor. It's a short list, and it's not pretty.

Melissa & Tom - 28 points

Luke - 18

Derek - 9

Will - 1
Luke appeared to be the true frontrunner right up until JoJo said she was going to get rid of him. Now, who knows? He could be gone four minutes into Monday night.

Andrea & Zack - 28 points

James Taylor - 14
Chad - 3
Vinny - 8
+3 last team standing bonus

Could James Taylor be next Bachelor? I don't see why not. He's coarser than any Bachelor I've seen since I started watching, but he's more fun than any of the remaining dudes.

Kelly & Phil - 26 points

Jordan - 18

Christian - 3

James F - 5
Jordan is starting to smell an awfully lot like Josh, the last NFL quarterback-brother to win the show. With Luke's prospects flickering, he's edged into the lead. Would a win be enough for K&P?

Bri & Doug - 26 points

Chase - 17

Wells - 8

Nick - 1
A Chase win would be quite an upset. He figures to bust out next or in third. Bri & Doug picked about as well as they could have. We need to find some more ways for men to score points. Dropping a "right reasons" should certainly be one of them.

Andie & Eric - 17 points

Alex - 10

Grant - 7

James S - 0
I gave Eric a hard time about his picks, but he didn't have much wiggle room. There were better options than the Marine, but no one who could have carried A&E back to the promised land.

Episode Six

Synopsis

Big Eric Schwartz, Bailey, a Blaze flash-fired pizza with about twelve different vegetables on it, a decent citrus pale ale and I congregated in a rental home in Henderson, Nevada to watch the sixth episode of the 2016 season of The Bachelorette. Meanwhile, Melissa, Bri, Doug, their own Blaze (a dog, not a pizza) and Turbo (a dog, not a poker tournament) congregated in Erie, Colorado to do the same. Melissa later emailed me their observations.

Eric quickly admitted he wouldn’t mind if the “douchebag Marine” was eliminated that night, even though he was the last player on his team. JoJo and her suitors went to Buenos Aires. Bri questioned her style. "What is it with these girls wearing their coats over their shoulders and not putting their arms through?" she inquired. 

JoJo said it was gonna be a “huge week.” Chris Harrison showed up for a bit. Someone said “two-on-ones are no más, no good.” He must have missed Spanish 1a, where one of the first things you learn is “más” means “more” and "bueno" means "good". Melissa expressed pride over her ability to realize this, and gratitude to Bri & Doug for getting married in Mexico.

Wells got to go on the one-on-one date. "Come on dude, don't screw up!" Doug encouraged. JoJo and Wells went to a big room in Buenos Aires where some humans did a weird demonstration with water. Then they sort of swam. There was a lot of buildup about Wells having never kissed JoJo and looking to change that. Bri grew frustrated by it. "Just do it!" she exclaimed. "I just want them to stop talking about it!" JoJo and Wells finally did while they were doing the sort-of swimming. It was kind of a disappointment after all the buildup.

JoJo asked Wells about his ex and he started sweating. "Not attaching the coat to your body via your arms is something I cannot handle," Bri noted. Bailey switched couches for the third time. Meanwhile, Blaze barked when the other guys started talking about Wells's chances of not coming back. JoJo did in fact get rid of Wells instead of preserving him with the date rose. He didn't seem very disappointed. A dude dressed in black came to the hotel to pick up his stuff. There was a weird shot of a sad-looking JoJo in an Argentine crowd jumping up and down.

During the commercial break, Eric and I discussed Robby.'s prospects. Eric was hesitant. “Robby…he’s a swimmer, and that girlfriend thing…” he trailed off.  “A swimmer?” I responded. “He’s not a soccer player.” “They’re pretty close,” Eric said. “Are my comments on the record?” he asked. “Yeah,” I said.

Coincidentally, in Erie, Doug was expressing concerns almost concurrently over Robby's character. "This Robby dude seems like a douche too," he commented. Melissa didn't mention who the precedent douche was. Perhaps it was the Marine. Doug complained "God! That Alex guy! All the time! Has to be the first one! (to hug)." "Then short jokes commenced on how he wouldn't be able to be seen if he didn't run to the front," Melissa recorded. “Can’t wait for that #1 draft pick next season,” Eric said in Nevada.

Luke, Robby, Jordan, James Taylor and Alex went to an asphalt lot to play soccer with some Argentines. They set up a penalty kick scenario with a quick goalie. Nobody, including the two pseudo-professional athletes, scored except James Taylor, who looked like Wayne Rooney kicking a penalty kick vs Iceland that I watched in the Rio Pavilion earlier that day. 

During the night portion of the date, JoJo and Luke made out while the latter clutched the former’s thigh. James Taylor told JoJo about an "altercation" with Jordan that centered around kicker cards in ranking poker hands. Eric and I thought it was hilarious.

Jordan made some weird gestures like reaching into his jacket for nothing. James Taylor said he was entitled. “How does one act entitled when stating that the rules of a game are such?” Jordan asked. For some reason Eric got up and stood behind the couch while watching. Bailey took his spot. Luke got the date rose, which Bri, Doug and I all had predicted. Doug said he was convinced that JoJo just wants to "bone the hell out of him and then send him on his way."

Chase and Derek went on a 2-on-1 date. Bri & Doug instructed Chase to "not be weird". The Marine continued his anti-Derek campaign. “Derek is just a little weird,” he said. Eric and I talked about nervous tells the guys had, like when Jordan sipped his drink when JoJo asked about his ex or Derek rubbing the top of his head. “There’s no question that there’s a glimmer of love here,” Derek said. “Delusion,” Eric said. Eric said he thought Derek had a 55% chance. I felt about 55% for Chase so we gambled on it. “[JoJo] might be the smartest Bachelorette,” Eric commented. “Kaitlyn was pretty sharp,” I said. “Kaitlyn?” Eric asked. “The last one,” I explained.

JoJo questioned Chase about his lack of recent vulnerability. “It’s new for me to have to express those kind of things,” Chase explained. Then they made out. "Turbo bonking his head on the table was the most exciting thing that happened during this 2 on 1," Melissa said. "These dudes are so lackluster."  JoJo kept Chase and got rid of Derek, so I won the bet, but we lost a player on our team. Then a woman sang “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” while Derek wept in the hearse. I imagined Melissa exclaiming “cha-ching!” In reality, she said "I think that Derek had to pinch his inner thighs to get the tears flowing," Bri noted how "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" has only that one line sung in English, and they laughed imagining how boring Derek would be as the next Bachelor.

The Marine seemed to think it might be him going home or it might be James Taylor. The Erie folks looked up how tall the Marine was. 5'7". "Unfortunately James Taylor's confidence is equally as short," Melissa said. Bailey growled when Chris Harrison came on to say it was the final rose. “I just hope she comes in here and she picks one of us, that she does what she came here to do,” the Marine said. “I can live with that.” She didn't. Instead JoJo gave all the guys a rose at the rose ceremony.  

Standings

Andrea & Zack -  26 points

James Taylor - 12
Chad - 3
Vinny - 8
+3 last team standing bonus

James Taylor's days are numbered. However, he does have an outside shot at next Bachelor. That could be enough to hoist A to Z to another title if everything else broke right.

Julia & Paul - 25 points

Robby - 13

Ali - 3

Evan - 9
Barring a shocking revelation (which was hinted at some point during a trailer), Robby is a lock for hometowns. He has an excellent shot at either winning or becoming next Bachelor, which is worth just one point less. With a three point lead on us and five points on Kelly & Phil, the soon-to-be-marrieds might have the best shot right now.

Melissa & Tom - 22 points

Luke - 12

Derek - 9

Will - 1
Derek netted zero from his dismissal. He lost his 2-on-1 (-1 points) and cried (1 point). What do you y'all think of this scoring? Should losers of 2-on-1s be punished more than one point? Should male criers receive more than a point?

Kelly & Phil - 20 points

Jordan - 12

Christian - 3

James F - 5
Jordan, who I am now referring to as "Jordan" at Phil's request, might not be able to make up the deficit K&P face. It's going to be hard for him to outscore Luke, and he'll have to beat Robby by five. Jordan could win and K&P could still lose.

Bri & Doug - 20 points

Chase - 11

Wells - 8

Nick - 1
Wells lost a point last episode, as he went on a 1-on-1 (2 points), and failed to get a rose from it (-3 points). What do y'all think of that? Should 1-on-1 losers be punished more than a point? I feel like it happens rarely enough that they should.

Andie & Eric - 18 points

Alex - 11

Grant - 7

James S - 0
I was confused by the Marine's stay of execution. He's simply not on the same level as his rivals, and that's not a height joke. Why keep him around another episode when he's drawing dead? It smells fishy. Perhaps the producers called an audible after Wells was sent home on his 1-on-1, needing six players for the remaining episodes. Those six happen to be the first six players we drafted. Everyone still has their first round pick, and no one else. Well played. Well. Played.