Episode Seven and Hometowns

Synopsis 

Episode Seven

“This is a huge week,” JoJo surmised. Chris Harrison told the guys there would be three one-on-ones (without roses) and a group date with a rose. “This week is huge,” he concluded. “Stakes are high,” James Taylor said. “Stakes are very high,” Chase added.

JoJo and the Marine drove through the countryside while the other guys rapped on a bus. It was a well-executed rap with Chase beatboxing (the Erie crew noted this was remarkable because he was from Highlands Ranch) and it made fun of the Marine’s height. The Marine’s date appeared to go horribly. The highlight was when a gaucho calmed a horse into lying down on the grass and letting JoJo and Alex lie on it and stroke it and stroke each other and kiss over it. Doug perceived JoJo’s connection to the horse to be stronger than her connection with the Marine.

JoJo and the Marine ate dinner with a dog that looked a little like Bailey. “Tonight is one of the happiest moments of my life,” the Marine stated. He told JoJo he was falling in love with her. “I don’t really know what to think of it,” JoJo told the cameras. “I feel amazing right now,” the Marine said. “I actually feel great that I can just sit here now, and, boom, breathe.” JoJo cringed and Doug spilled wine on his pants. Fortunately it was just his pants and not Bri & Doug’s new couch. JoJo then told him she didn’t love him, wouldn’t love him, and he should leave. “It definitely sucks that you can’t see that being something that you’d want,” the Marine said. They parted ways.

JoJo and Jordan flew a plane to Mendoza, Argentina, then took a limo to a vineyard, then walked through the vineyard, then smashed grapes with their feet. “Everyone loves the flavor of athlete’s foot,” Bri commented. Jordan revealed that he was estranged from his brother Aaron Rodgers and told JoJo he was in love with her. JoJo’s reaction to this news was nicer than it was for the Marine.

Chase, James Taylor and Robby met JoJo at a hotel in the pouring rain. James Taylor ate a lot of French fries at once. “It made him look highly unattractive and it was hilarious,” Chase guffawed. JoJo dared Robby to run down the hall in his underwear. He did it. Doug wasn’t impressed because he assumed they had the whole floor of the hotel to themselves. James Taylor casually accused Robby of repeatedly checking out other women and Robby said he was lying. Robby told JoJo he had gotten out of a four-year relationship four-and-a-half months ago. Bri, Doug, and Melissa thought “something was not right” with Robby’s appearance. Doug thought it was his big but receding hair. “He won’t have to spend much on swim caps anymore,” Doug poked. Bri thought Robby’s head was too small. Chase told JoJo he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. The guys dropped the word “frontrunner” about twelve times in twenty seconds. Robby got the date rose, giving him extra time to make out with JoJo.

Luke and JoJo did some stuff with horses and went skeet shooting, inspiring reminiscences of the Nintendo game Duck Hunt in Erie. Luke was good with the horses and better with the gun. He also did a good job talking and kissing. JoJo skipped the cocktail party and got rid of James Taylor instead of Chase, probably because she wanted to do a hometown in Denver instead of Katy, Texas. They both cried while the Erie crew googled whether or not JoJo’s boobs were real. They weren’t, according to the internet.

Hometowns

JoJo met Chase at an overlook Melissa quickly identified as Daniels Park. She also finally admitted Chase was “really cute,” perhaps because he was back home in the GOAT state, Colorado. He lived in a cookie-cutter home in a cookie-cutter neighborhood. “THAT looks like Highlands Ranch,” Melissa commented. Chase's dad came over and Chase picked an odd time to ask him why his marriage to Chase’s mother failed. Chase’s dad seemed to like JoJo. “She’s beautiful, and she’s smart, and she’s got a head on her shoulders,” he summarized.

JoJo and Chase’s mom had a conversation on a chairlift in Chase's mom's back yard. “If you’re not having fun, you need to have fun,” Chase’s mom said.  “Good advice,” Melissa said. Then Chase talked to his mom and cried. JoJo wore a sweater/dress/jacket combination that Melissa wondered if she could pull off. Chase told JoJo he was falling in love with her. It was unclear if that was because of the sweater/dress/jacket.

Then JoJo went to Chico, California to see some deer and make out with Jordan in a field. They then went to his old high school. Jordan claimed he had never been there with a girl he liked. “Why didn’t Jordan have girlfriends in high school?” I wondered. “Because he was busy banging all the chicks,” Melissa responded. Jordan brought JoJo to his parents’ house to meet a bunch of family members not including Aaron Rodgers. Bailey started snoring loudly. Jordan’s “weathered” (Melissa’s word) dad talked to JoJo on a couch.

Then JoJo went to Florida to meet Robby, who “couldn’t be troubled” to button more than one button on his shirt according to Melissa. They took a horse-drawn carriage around the town. They saw pirates before having a long boring conversation during which I used Twitter and PayPal. Then they went to a house with a lot of white people. Robby told his brothers he hadn’t slept that week and had had a lot of panic attacks while Melissa fixated on the glasses they were drinking from. JoJo asked Robby’s mom about his ex-girlfriend, leading her to tell him the ex’s roommate had been telling people Robby broke up with the ex just to go on the show. That led to an endless repetitive conversation (the show literally showed some of the same dialogue twice) between Robby and JoJo, so I wrote up a fantasy football trade offer on gmail (Jarvis Landry for Tyrod Taylor in a 2-QB league).

Next up was Luke, still listed as “war veteran”, somewhere in Texas. They met Luke’s parents, sister, and “fifty of [his] closest friends.” They played a little cornhole before talking with the family. Then they rode horses to a couch made out of hay and talked some more. Finally they followed some lanterns to a heart made out of flowers to talk some more. Melissa noticed how quickly the sun set in Texas.

At the rose ceremony, JoJo “forgot the middle part of her dress” according to Melissa. Luke took her aside at the start of the ceremony to tell her he loved her, inspiring JoJo to curse, contemplate, and cry. The episode ended before the end of the rose ceremony. 

Standings

Julia & Paul - 32 points

Robby - 20

Ali - 3

Evan - 9
Robby could lead J&P to victory even if he doesn't win himself. Nine clutch points out of Evan, plus Robby's twenty & counting, could be enough. Jordan & Luke appear to be in better standing for the title, but Robby might be the favorite for next Bachelor. It's a short list, and it's not pretty.

Melissa & Tom - 28 points

Luke - 18

Derek - 9

Will - 1
Luke appeared to be the true frontrunner right up until JoJo said she was going to get rid of him. Now, who knows? He could be gone four minutes into Monday night.

Andrea & Zack - 28 points

James Taylor - 14
Chad - 3
Vinny - 8
+3 last team standing bonus

Could James Taylor be next Bachelor? I don't see why not. He's coarser than any Bachelor I've seen since I started watching, but he's more fun than any of the remaining dudes.

Kelly & Phil - 26 points

Jordan - 18

Christian - 3

James F - 5
Jordan is starting to smell an awfully lot like Josh, the last NFL quarterback-brother to win the show. With Luke's prospects flickering, he's edged into the lead. Would a win be enough for K&P?

Bri & Doug - 26 points

Chase - 17

Wells - 8

Nick - 1
A Chase win would be quite an upset. He figures to bust out next or in third. Bri & Doug picked about as well as they could have. We need to find some more ways for men to score points. Dropping a "right reasons" should certainly be one of them.

Andie & Eric - 17 points

Alex - 10

Grant - 7

James S - 0
I gave Eric a hard time about his picks, but he didn't have much wiggle room. There were better options than the Marine, but no one who could have carried A&E back to the promised land.