Synopsis
Episode 6
Ben confronted Olivia. He said the other girls had issues
with her. “Like, I’m just like, different. I like reading books in my room, and
like, thinking, and that’s what I do. I want to talk, smart, things,” she
explained before crying. Again The Twin accused her tears of fakeness. “Come at
me bro,” Olivia challenged. At the rose ceremony, The Twin managed to cry and
obtain the last rose. Big Boobs got voted out.
I decided Carly Rae Jepsen's "I Really Like You" from last week should be the official theme song of the blog, so I added a link to it on the upper right. I couldn't figure out how to open the link in a new tab, so you'll have to do that yourself if you want Carly's sweet stylings to serenade your readings. Or maybe Bag will leave a comment telling me how to change it on Blogger. Or you can just listen to it on Spotify. Or not at all.
They went to the Bahamas and Ben selected Caila for another
one-on-one date even though Invisible Leah hadn’t been on one yet. Invisible
Leah became visible and cried. A lot.
“I feel like I love you,” Caila said, but then said she was
afraid of breaking Ben’s heart. Then Ben said he was worried they were going to
break up that night, then Caila said a few nice things while some piano music
played, then Ben gave her the date rose and made out with her.
Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H, and a tilted Leah went
swimming with some pigs. JoJo had a good conversation with Ben about the
awkwardness of the situation. Suddenly Visible Leah cried again, then expressed
frustration to Ben while crying, then cried more.
During a thunderstorm, Visible Leah randomly tossed Lauren B
under the bus and Ben confronted B about it. “Honestly, when I’m with you, I
don’t think about anything,” B explained. Then she wept and Leah flat-out lied
to them all, saying she never said anything bad about B. Amanda got the date
rose.
Melissa and I argued about how dumb or not dumb Amanda,
Lauren B, and The Twin were. We agreed The Twin was actually kinda smart, B was
more “cheerleaderish” than idiotic, and Amanda was dumb as a pile of rocks. And
then Tom collected our plates, peed and went upstairs which gave Melissa time
to steal Tom’s computer and write in the blog. Oops.
I came back in time for a behind-the-back catfight between
Leah and B. Leah lost: Ben dumped her. She cried yet again, offsetting the
points she lost for exiting prematurely.
Olivia and The Twin went on a cloudy, blustery date on a
boat with Ben. “It’s perfect!” Overconfident Olivia exclaimed. “Is it?” Ben
asked. The Twin screamed as she jumped three feet off the boat onto the shore.
They drank champagne in the wind awkwardly for a moment before separating.
Olivia told Ben she loved him. The Twin attempted to have a conversation with
him with blowing hair covering her face.
They set Olivia up for another satisfying exit by playing a
bunch of her most cocky comments. This time it wasn’t a second-level trick
though, as Ben actually did get rid of her – by cruelly grabbing the rose, bringing
her aside, telling her he loved how she opened up to him, then dumping her
alone on the beach in a pseudo-hurricane.
“It makes sense that Emily keeps winning the 2-on-1s, cause
she’s a twin,” Melissa said. “She’s been winning 2-on-1s her entire life.”
Ben cancelled the cocktail party, startling JoJo into a fit
of tears. At the rose ceremony, Ben sent Lauren H back to Kindergarten. She
broke down and cried in the hearse ride, as did everyone else (including Ben)
on the big preview trailer to end the show.
Episode 7
“Welcome to Warsaw, Indiana, the place where I grew up!” Ben
introduced jollily before running into his parents at a greasy spoon. Ben gave
them a rundown on the remaining six contestants, noting Becca’s frigidity, The
Twin’s twinness, JoJo’s comfort, Caila’s sex appeal, Amanda’s momness and
“shocking” beauty and something vague about Lauren B.
Lauren B and her dark roots drove with Ben in an old red
Chevy truck through rainy Warsaw. Ben showed her some key Warsaw landmarks
including the high school, church and youth club. Melissa noted that the church
was bigger than the high school. At the youth club, Lauren B made a free throw and pulled off a
cartwheel. A kid with bleached hair named Ronnie nailed a half-court shot. It
was unclear how many takes it took him to make it.
George Hill and Paul George showed up. I reminisced over all
the times Paul murdered our DFS lineups this season. That guy is
matchup-independent. I don’t think we’ve rostered Hill once this season.
Neither played any basketball even though they’re professionals and they were
on a basketball court. Instead the kids, Ben, and B played. B dribbled with her
left hand. It was unclear if she was lefthanded or ambidextrous, but I’m sure
Ben was taking notes. The night portion of the date incited a large
“BOORRRR-INNNNGG” from Melissa followed by a sigh. It was the obligatory dull
dinner date followed by the obligatory drink at a bar followed by the
obligatory makeout sesh on a rooftop. B told the cameras she was in love with
Ben.
Ben and JoJo went to play baseball at Wrigley Field. “I’m
confused, how did they get to Chicago?” Melissa wondered. JoJo had never played
before but hit one to the edge of the infield. Ben hit the Moon-patented weak
liner to the right of second base. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, they announced
the next group date and The Twin wasn’t on it, which caused her to cry from
thinking she’d instead get the next one-on-one. Frigid Becca said she was
feeling “things I’ve never felt before.” I declined to make a penis joke cause
I actually think Becca is pretty swell. JoJo articulated herself effectively as
usual while eating dinner on the Wrigley outfield.
Amanda, Becca and Caila took a stretch limo to some
farm somewhere. I asked Melissa where they were and she described it as “some
farm somewhere.” They paddled in boats for a bit, then flew kites for a bit,
then sipped chardonnay in a barn while contemplating the significance of the
date. “This is the biggest rose yet,” Ben said. “Literally?” Master Gardener
Melissa wondered. “There is a lot of weight to this rose,” Ben said, perhaps
responding. He surprised us by giving Amanda the date rose, but that wasn’t as
surprising as Frigid Becca shedding tears in response. Caila also cried.
Amanda and Ben returned to Warsaw AKA “The Orthopedic
Capital.” Perhaps Eric Schwartz can shed some light on that nickname. They went to McDonald’s. Amanda took drive-thru orders. “Why are they
doing this?” Melissa wondered. “Because they’re paying them a lot of money,” I
explained. Amanda and Ben re-enacted the Lady & The Tramp spaghetti-kissing
scene with a French fry.
Then they went to a carnival. The mayor and someone named
Eric were there but neither was Eric Schwartz. Amanda and Ben rode some rides
and made out a bunch and little kids whacked Ben repeatedly with giant
inflatable hammers. Then they made out on a ferris wheel (Amanda and Ben, not the little kids).
Ben and The Twin drove a boat to Ben’s parents’ riverside
home while Bailey wedged himself deep into the couch cushions. Coincidentally,
Caila called Emily “a bright-eyed puppy” right then. Ben’s parents came down to
meet The Twin, who announced that “talking to people can really be a hard thing
for me,” before saying she “really needed to count on her conversation skills”
to get through the date before telling Ben’s mom she wanted to be a Denver
Broncos cheerleader. And that was before they won the Super Bowl. Ben’s mom
expressed concern over Emily’s age and maturity before joining The Crying Game.
Ben rope-a-doped The Twin with smiles and blankets and a river sunset before
suddenly dumping her while the other girls watched through a window. Obviously
she cried, but it didn’t really even help the Schwartzes because all the other
girls except Caila cried too. At the rose ceremony, Ben had Frigid Becca pack
her bags. She managed to summon a few tears in the hearse ride.
Standings
Andie & Eric - 32 points
Caila -15
Emily's stay on the show was like a 13-seed's Cinderella run to the Elite Eight ending in a blowout loss to a traditional power. Sixth place, 14 points, way-outlasting her twin and meeting the parents has to qualify as a massive success. Caila is cruising, but you could say that about the other remaining contestants.
Andrea & Zack - 31 points
Lauren B - 15
Julia & Paul - 30 points
Amanda -16
+3 last team standing bonus
Bri & Doug - 25 points
JoJo -15
JoJo has a hammerlock on winner or next Bachelorette. To think there was a time Zack poked fun at B&D for drafting her. Personally I'm hoping Ben picks Caila, as I'll have a tough time watching next season unless it's JoJo or Becca. Or Jubilee. Or Lace. Or fresh blood. Or Juan Pablo.
Ugly season for the MoonBee on the heels of a disastrous Survivor pool season. While it doesn't seem just that a team like Kelly & Phil's could wind up with fewer points, I do think our points system is more representative, balanced, and effective than ever. Note that Olivia is the only player who's received points (2) for an "I love you." There may have been others - let me know if so.
Amazingly this seemingly potent squad crapped out in last place. It was pretty bad luck that Jami only scored 2 and Jubilee exited prematurely; Becca's lack of crying could be predicted, but she still outscored all other second-rounders except Emily. Here's hoping she's the next Bachelorette.
