Synopsis
Episode Six
The first night after Melissa returned from the Philippines we watched The Bachelor on my sister’s old bed at my parents’ house. We watched Taylor and Corinne have a boring conversation for a couple minutes before realizing we’d already seen that boring conversation at Bri & Doug’s house and Melissa had booted up the wrong episode. She booted up the correct one wherein Taylor told Nick that Corinne was a disrespectful liar. It didn’t work. It reminded me of people trying to change the minds of Trump supporters. “I want you to open your eyeballs,” Taylor said, "and let your aqueous humor spill out,” Nurse Melissa finished. “What I learned tonight is that cats have nine lives, and bitches have two,” Corinne said.
Melissa paused the episode to tell me about a bathroom in
the Philippines that had a giant toad living next to the toilet. They skipped
the cocktail party and went straight to an outdoor rose ceremony. Nick got rid of Josephine AKA “John Elway”, Alexis AKA “Funny Girl” AKA
“Dolphark”, and Jaimi AKA “Iridiscent Purple Lipstick." “I never cry,”
Alexis lied while crying. Jaimi also cried.
They went to St. Thomas. The school down the road from my
college was called St. Thomas. This was a different St. Thomas. It had beaches
and planes. Kristina and Nick flew on one of the planes. Jasmine started
crying. Kristina told Nick she was from a huge family. Corinne expressed
gratitude and happiness for the maid at the hotel. Kristina told Nick she ate
lipstick as a kid, then started living in an orphanage, and then her mom died
and then she moved to the U.S. She and Nick both cried.
Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M and Jasmine went on
a catamaran which passed by a pirate ship. They went to a beach and played
cornhole. Rachel sunk it on her first shot. They took shots of something. They
played beach volleyball. Corinne didn’t like it. Rachel made some good serves. Then
Rachel got upset. Vanessa cried. Danielle M. cried. Jasmine cried as well.
“What was in the alcohol they had?” Melissa asked. “Today was pretty much a
disaster. It almost feels like a wasted day,” Nick lamented.
Rachel expressed concern over the process of the show. Nick
vaguely reassured her. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I think
something great can happen,” Nick
said. Jasmine talked a lot to the girls and to the cameras. “Jazz seems to have
taken a turn to the emotional side,” Raven understated. Jasmine questioned Nick
about his lack of expressed interest in her. Nick deflected the questions until
Jasmine started crying. She went on a downward spiral that finally hit bottom
in a weird spat of choking and cursing. “It might be time to say goodbye,” Nick
said and walked her out to the hearse SUV. She cried again in the hearse.
“Today did not go as I had hoped,” Nick said. “And tonight was not much
better.”
Rachel, Raven and Kristina slept together in a bed. “Is
Bachelor so cheap that they have to go three to a bed?” Melissa wondered.
Danielle L and Whitney went on a 2-on-1 date. They flew in a helicopter to an
elegant bed set up on the beach. There was no one sleeping in it, so apparently production values had increased. Whitney attempted a conversation with Nick.
“Do you think her chances would be better if she did pilates on the beach?”
Melissa asked. “Yes,” I said. Danielle L then attempted a conversation
with Nick. Melissa said Whitney was “sneaky-pretty.” I said Danielle L was the
prettiest one. Nick got rid of Whitney. He said something and hugged her but I
don’t know what he said because Melissa was saying he said “please get off my
island.” In reality they left her on the island. They flew off in a helicopter,
leaving her to weep on the beach. “Should have done pilates,” Melissa said.
Nick took Danielle L down into a cellar. They found a quote on
a wall that said “Love is Maybe Forever.” They went outside and had dinner
while Melissa checked Instagram. I listened to their boring conversation for a
minute before checking DFS. It wasn’t going well. By the time I got back to the
conversation things had deteriorated to where Nick was frowning a lot. “I am
falling in love with you,” Danielle L said. Nick’s frown deepened. He grabbed
her hand. Then he got rid of her. “They’re dropping like flies this episode,”
Melissa said. Danielle L wept in the hearse.
Nick came into the girls’ hotel room and started crying. He
tried to explain that he was worried all his relationships with all the girls
would deteriorate. “I don’t know if I can keep doing this,” he said and walked out of
the room. Raven cried a bit. Corinne cried. Rachel cried as well.
Nick and Chris Harrison had a conversation on a beach. Harrison wore jeans and no shoes. Nick expressed fear over finding a partner. Vanessa expressed fear as well, and shed tears. Nick finished his conversation with Harrison and went back to the girls’ hotel room again. After a dramatic pause for commercial, he told the girls he wanted to eventually get with one of them. He cancelled the cocktail party and rose ceremony to go to a place called Bimini. Raven said it was the most beautiful place she’d ever been, which made me feel sorry for her.
“I’ve never been on a boat before,” Vanessa announced before getting on a big white boat with Nick. They went snorkeling at the ruins of an old ship. At night they had dinner at a place called Big John’s. Vanessa told Nick she was falling in love with him. They made out, but Nick didn’t say he loved her.
Corinne called
herself “the queen of group dates’ before going on one with Nick, Kristina and
Raven. Corinne stripped down to her bathing suit. Kristina and Raven decided to
fight fire with fire. Nick announced they’d be swimming with sharks. “You can
die,” Kristina worried. Raven optimistically thought she’d get the date rose if
sharks ate Corinne and Kristina. They snorkeled and saw a shark. Kristina got
scared and went back in the boat. The others soon followed and they drank
champagne.
At night they sat on
outdoor couches at a resort and talked. Corinne ate cheese. “We have the same
coping mechanism,” Melissa observed. Raven started to tell Nick a sad story
about her dad having lung cancer before the Hulu feed went out. Melissa fixed
it and Raven finished the story. It wasn’t sad after all, but it was enough to
get the date rose. “I’m go-in to Hawk-see…with Nick,” Raven said slowly.
Melissa made fun of how slowly she spoke. Then they listened to Adam Friedman
play music, which was weird because we know Adam Friedman and he has red hair
and doesn’t play music.
Danielle told Nick she really liked him. Nick thought about it and dumped her. They both cried. Corinne went to Nick’s hotel room and drank with him. “I know how to make a man feel good,” Corinne said. “My heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum.” She took him behind a closed door and tried to seduce him. It didn’t work.
Nick and Rachel got giant
koozies at a small bar. Melissa wondered if the giant koozies were so they
didn’t have to worry about product placement. They further hyped Nick’s
impending visit with Rachel’s intimidating father Sam. “I’ve never brought home
a white guy,” Rachel said. “They will be skeptical and they will ask
questions.” They talked to the bar owner for a bit, then made out on the edge
of a pier.
I talked over a sterile Chris Harrison interview with Nick.
Melissa rewinded it to hear what they were saying. “I know what you’re about to
do,” Harrison said. “It’s a necessary evil. It has to happen.” Nick got rid of
Kristina. They both cried. “Let’s be honest,” I said. “Nick was never going
with a dental hygienist from Kentucky. Shouldn’t have bothered.” Melissa was
happy about it because it meant Corinne’s maid Racquel would likely be on the
show.
Hometowns
We chose to spend our second night in Hermosa Beach watching
The Bachelor. I was overjoyed to finally be back to watching on DVR, cutting the show down around a reasonable one hour chunk of time. Nick gave
the four remaining girls roses at their hotel room. They started hometowns with
Raven. “Ehhh, Hoxie first,” Melissa groaned. “Get it out of the way.” Raven took
Nick to a grain bin. A cop pretended to bust them before revealing he was
Raven’s brother. Nick and Raven then drove some four-wheelers through the mud
before Nick took his shirt off and bent Raven down in the swamp.
Next they went to a ranch house to meet Raven’s parents and
brother. They told Raven her dad was now cancer-free and she cried. The dad
talked with Raven on the back porch. “Are we dealing with chemo or male pattern
baldness?” I wondered in regards to the dad. “A little of both,” Melissa
thought. Then the mom talked to Raven on a bed. “I thought he was going to be
kind of arrogant,” Raven said. “That’s what I thought,” the mom said. Nick and
the dad talked on the back porch. “I didn’t expect to like you,” the dad said. Raven
resolved to tell Nick she loved him, but all she could manage was “I think I
should tell you that there is no hesitation on my end of what becomes of this.”
Next Nick went to Dallas. He went to church with Rachel. It
was a predominantly black church. “This is a little different than my church at
home,” Nick said. “That’s because it’s not a bar,” Melissa said. The
much-hyped visit with Rachel’s intimidating dad didn’t happen because of “work
obligations.” Instead Nick met her mom, sisters, and a white guy married to one
of the sisters. “You don’t need to have black skin, but you need to have thick
skin,” Rachel said. Nick didn’t know what okra was.
Nick then went shopping with Corinne. Melissa and I both
noted how Corinne had been less annoying recently. Nick tried on $800
sweatpants and Bailey let out a crippling fart that immobilized Melissa for a
couple minutes. Corinne told Nick she loved him. Nick met Corinne’s mom, dad,
sister and nanny Racquel. They ate some gigantic olives that excited me. Corinne’s
dad washed his wine down with scotch and said “I believe Corinne is the lid to
Nick’s pot.”
Nick met Vanessa in Montreal, where Melissa and I went for
my birthday. It was raining frigidly just like it was when we went. They went to
Vanessa’s school and made posters with one of her classes. There was a funny
bald guy I enjoyed. Vanessa then took Nick to meet about eight hundred family
members. Her mom, sister and brother expressed concern to and about Nick. The
sister, mom and Nick all cried. Then they went to visit Vanessa’s dad. Nick
asked him for his blessing. The dad said no. But Nick convinced him to change
his mind. Vanessa cried because her dad told her Nick had asked the other
girls’ dads for their blessings too.
They went to Brooklyn. Vanessa cried again. Andi showed
up.
Standings
Julia & Paul - 49
Raven - 20
+3 last team standing bonus
It's a runaway. Raven won't win and it doesn't matter. The defending champs are soon to be the defending defending champs. They drafted last and they drafted masterfully. Outside of overlooked Kristina, the newlyweds nailed every pick optimally. Their wedding was spectacular, their new house is spectacular, their dogs are spectacular and their Bachelor teams are spectacular. As Kwickfish would say, "Owned."
Kelly & Phil - 32
Corinne - 21
I (and Melissa, and everyone who watched the show, and everyone on the show except Nick) talked a lot of shit about Corinne. But at this moment, she has as many points as anyone. It won't be enough, but Kelly & Phil deserve credit for drafting Corinne where they did.
Melissa & Tom - 29
Rachel - 17
It looks like too little too late for us. Rachel will win or be next Bachelorette, but her mental stability is a double-edged sword - she doesn't cry as much as the other girls and thus lags a few points back. She won't make up twenty points on the defending champs.
This team doesn't look bad on paper, until you add up the points on that paper and realize it's going to get last place.
Andrea & Zack - 23
Andrea & Zack - 23
Vanessa - 21
