Hometowns

Synopsis

Melissa had it cued up to a shot of a showerhead. “One second in,” she announced. The shots of naked Colton were particularly gratuitous, even for this season. Colton applied cologne. He then rode a carriage with Hannah G, who is quite hot but has an annoying voice and hasn’t gotten the screen time befitting a champion. They ate ice cream while we ate my famous (among the nuclear Fuller family) stir fry. This was a particularly good version, perhaps due to coconut milk used as the oil, perhaps lower cook time, perhaps both. I said Colton was a particularly attractive Bachelor and we were unable to identify one who was clearly better-looking.

Colton did a cookout with Hannah G’s parents, including a dad whose annoying voice was genetically explicable. Melissa absolutely nailed the DVR fast-forward/play through the first commercial.  Hannah G’s sister came on and she looked like Hannah G but not as hot, which is the usual pattern for Bachelor(ette) siblings. Colton talked with Hannah G’s mom, who looked like Hannah G but older, which is the usual pattern for Bachelor contestant moms. It reminded me that this was something I’d look for if I was the Bachelor – aging attributes identifiable through moms. Melissa told me this girl was Caelynn, not Hannah G. Thank goodness for the “Find and Replace” feature, which has come in handy in teaching 4^th/5^th grade writing. I’m a proponent of teaching tech tricks to overcome grammatical challenges. Some old school teachers disagree.

It may have been Eric Schwartz that first noted it, but for the dozenth time it occurred to me that Colton looks like Blake Griffin, but shorter and with less skin blemishes. Colton (and certainly Blake Griffin) might actually be the best player on Eric’s Indiana Pacers, yet they’re still good. Caelynn cried.

Colton went to an Alabaman garden to hang out with the actual Hannah G. They went to a plantation. Hannah G is also hot, but has a less annoying voice than Caelynn. Also her hair is blonder. Otherwise they are indistinguishable. An etiquette instructor told Colton to improve his posture. I checked in on a degenerate college basketball bet I made on KANSAS -4.5 vs Kansas State which easily came through. The funny thing is the GOAT sports bettor Toph bet Kansas State and I found out after tipoff.

“What are your intentions with my daughter, man?” Hannah G’s dad asked. Colton gave a generic, unconvincing response. Hannah G’s mom was way worse-looking than Caelynn’s. Colton surely noted it. Colton asked Hannah G’s dad for his marriage blessing. He slowrolled it and then said absolutely.

Tayshia came on, blindfolded Colton and made a Bird Box joke. I haven’t seen Bird Box but I would choose Tayshia if I was the Bachelor (despite having not seen her mom yet). They went skydiving. Colton expressed concern that he might die a virgin. They survived. Colton told Tayshia he was falling in love with her. Tayshia’s fair-skinned mom was not as good-looking as Caelynn’s mom but much better-looking than Hannah G’s. Colton tried to assure Tayshia’s dad he was into her but five minutes earlier he asked another dad for his marriage blessing.

Melissa and I agreed Tayshia’s dad was good. I joke about the moms but the dads would be just as important for me and Tayshia’s was best. It’s late in the game but I still think Tayshia won’t win and won’t be next Bachelorette even though she’s the best candidate for both.

Next Colton went surfing with Cassie, who has “the perfect balance of sexy and cute.” Cassie’s mom and sister were both hot. Her sister could be Next Bachelorette if they need someone. Her dad was excellently skeptical and one of the best dads they’ve had on.

At an absurdly attractive Rose Ceremony, Colton looked to the heavens for guidance before eliminating Caelynn. He hugged her while she wept. There was some foreshadowing of fantasy suites wherein Hannah G and Cassie both nearly passed out from anticipation of popping Colton’s cherry. There was also another reminder that Colton is going to athletically jump over a fence (and Chris Harrison is going to fail miserably). 

Standings

Team Name	Ponies	Points		Team Name	Ponies	Points		Team Name	Ponies	Points
Melissa	Cassie	24		Andrea & Zack	Cassie	24		Dregs	n/a	n/a
55	Katie	9		87	Caelynn	24		9	Angelique	0
	Erika	1			Demi	11			Annie	0
	Sydney	12			Nicole	11			Catherine	3
	Onyeka	7			Courtney	7			Tracy	6
	Bri	2			Alex	1			n/a	n/a
	Angelique	0			Kirpa	9
Team Name	Ponies	Points		Team Name	Ponies	Points
Bri & Doug	Hannah G.	18		Julia & Paul	Tayshia	18
54	Demi	11		96	Caelynn	24
	Caitlin	1			Tayshia	18
	Nicole	11			Elyse	16
	Erika	1			Courtney	7
	Kirpa	9			Onyeka	7
	Nina	3			Nina	3
Team Name	Ponies	Points		Team Name	Ponies	Points
Andie & Eric	Hannah B.	17		Kelly & Phil	Hannah G.	18
89	Hannah B.	17		49	Katie	9
	Heather	18			Caitlin	1
	Heather	18			Sydney	12
	Elyse	16			Bri	2
	Annie	0			Alex	1
	Catherine	3			Tracy	6

Though they had Caelynn, Julia & Paul were thrilled to see Tayshia outlast her. That positions double-Tayshia to rack up three more fantasy suite points, even if she doesn't advance to the finals. That should be enough to garner another title for J&P unless Tayshia forces Colton to jump over that fence and gets ousted before the next Rose Ceremony. The Denverites kinda own this pool.