Fantasy Sour part 1

The 2 night bachelor event starts right now. I’m very excited because it is the much anticipated one where he finally jumps over the fence.

Colton and Chris has another awkward convo about the fantasy suites.”Every single thing that happens in the next week really could change our lives forever” Cassie realizes. - Only if he doesn’t wear protection, I think to myself. Can you imagine if he gave it up in the fantasy suite and then DIDN’T choose that girl?! Talk about mixed signals!

They head to Portugal to do the nasty.

Tayshia gets the first swing at things. They do a helicopter tour of Algarve but they miss half of it because they’re making out. They came up for air long enough to make a pretty good joke about exporting Extra VIRGIN olive oil. Which segued into lots of other jokes about his virginity while they sipped champagne on a cliff. Dinner is some playful foreplay about Tayshia’s boobs popping out of her dress. And then they go to the much anticipated fantasy suite. The nerves are palpable.

The next morning he has a large smile on his face and they refer to sex as a “conversation”. Which, I guess if you’re being poetic about it it kinda is. But that’s kinda deep for the Bachelor. Then Tayshia spills the beans that they didn’t have sex and were indeed talking about an actual conversation.

Cassie is up for strike two. He picks her up in a “super cute” convertible. It makes me nervous when people kiss and drive. Some old Portuguese dude slays the upright bass on the bridge and they kiss again. Colton is saying some pretty serious words about his intentions for Cassie to the camera’s which of course leads me to the hypothesis that something about Cassie makes him jump over the fence. Cassie is thrown (a little too) off kilter by her dad not giving his blessing. It’s an antiquated tradition anyway. But, true to Bachelor fashion, Cassie’s dad shows up to officially win dad of the year. When asked if she loved Colton she gave a very luke warm, “I think I do… yeah.” Having her daddy there makes Cassie’s age more apparent. Also remarkable is her ability to have an honest conversation with her father.

At dinner Colton is ready to pounce and Cassie is ready to bounce. He declares that she is “the one” which immediately makes me think back to the Kimmel prediction episode and how heartbreaking that must have been for him. She can’t look at him and Colton knows it’s bad. If I were in her shoes I would try to get to the fantasy suite to have some real honest conversation without cameras. But that’s not very dramatic now is it? Colton is very good at talking her off the cliff and essentially promises her the win. Except part of the problem is she isn’t sure if she wants to win. “Staying here is making the wrong decision for me” Cassie finally says. I think she’ll hate herself for this later. Colton is immediately put on suicide watch. He shoves the camera and jumps over the fence in a very athletic fashion while very eerie music plays. Chris asks if there is a button that opens the gate. There is. Chris is a good detective but not good enough to find him in the dark of night.

Regardless, I feel like it would be a bit disingenuous to now ask another woman to marry him after all that way said to Cassie. So, maybe that’s the “never before seen ending”

I fast-forwarded through most of women tell all, because I don’t have time of that drama. The best part was Colton eating ice cream in the shower.

Here’s the points as far as I can tell: Triple digits, Paulia!! Nice work!