Episodes 6 & 7

Episode 6

Synopsis

Nick V met the other contestants. He was quickly questioned about recently meeting former Bachelorette Andi Dorfman. V said they “buried the hatchet” but it was unclear if that was a euphemism. The guys sat around grumpily swilling their beverages except for Tanner who cross-examined V as if he was on trial for murder. “I don’t like it,” the Welder seethed. “I don’t like it at all.” Ryan Gosling rubbed his chin stubble.

The cocktail party was at a baseball stadium. JJ the Jerk pretended Kaitlyn was a baseball bat. Tanner and the Welder continued to complain. Ryan Gosling panicked like Zack on Dr. Mario level 20 after receiving an early double. Kaitlyn peaced Ryan B, Jonathan and Corey at the rose ceremony, giving A&E the last team standing bonus.

The remaining dudes went to a hotel in San Antonio and continued to grumble about Nick V. “I’m sick of talking about Nick V already and I’m only 20 minutes in,” Melissa texted. Ben H and Kaitlyn drove a red truck to a dance hall. They competed in a dancing contest with some rednecks including an ancient white-haired Texan lady Melissa liked. Ben H was ok and Kaitlyn was pretty good. At dinner Ben H talked about a relationship that went bust and got a rose.

Kaitlyn then went on a mammoth mariachi group date with every guy and his brother. They were all pretty bad, but Ian particularly “choked” in his own words. Nick V put on a big production. He couldn’t sing worth a damn but had some decent rhymes. “Kudos to the guys who gave Nick V kudos,” Melissa texted. Those guys were self-secure Jared and, surprisingly, Tanner.

For some reason the Welder had Kaitlyn give him a haircut. She screwed up and buzzed one side of his hair off. It didn’t stop his incessant whining about Nick V. “Nobody wants to be that weasel that throws somebody under the bus,” the Welder said as he blew out his rotator cuff trying and failing to toss Nick V under a 32-foot yellow vehicle driven by Ms. Frizzle. Instead the Welder found himself hoisted beneath the wheels of the RTD flagship by every other guy on the show. JJ the Jerk made his standard proclamation: “You lied to all of our faces.” “If you were a good guy you wouldn’t do that,” Jared added. Kaitlyn paved an HOV lane for the wheeled mass transit vehicle by giving Nick V the date rose.

Ryan Gosling dropped a “right reasons” before going kayaking with Kaitlyn. His hair, five o’clock shadow, smell (according to Kaitlyn) and torso (according to Melissa) were all immaculate. Gosling defended the Welder, told Kaitlyn some car crash stories as if they were Walter White’s secrets then told her he was falling in love with her.   

Ian finally fulfilled his stereotype (the Ivy League stereotype, not the black stereotype, Paul) with a splendid eruption of douchebaggery. A few highlights:

• “This the first time in my life that I feel like I’m flying under the radar.”
• “A lot of women like me. I don’t think that’s ever been an issue for me.”
• “I don’t understand why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want me – Princeton graduate, former model that defied death and has been around the world a couple of times.”
• “I don’t think that Kaitlyn understands the full extent of who I am – and who I am is a catch: good-looking guy who’s smart.”
• “I would make a great Bachelor. If I was on the other side of the coin, that if I had 25 options, that it would be something that could definitely work out.”
• “I don’t find Kaitlyn interesting. I don’t think that’s something wrong with me, I think that’s something wrong with her.”
• “She’s not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend.”
• “Against all of my logic, Kaitlyn doesn’t want someone like me."
• “If one of these lames is better than me, then just pick one of the lames. Like, I bring so much more to the table than any of these guys here. I have a good job, good education, charisma, brains, looks. If that wasn’t impressive enough, then I don’t know what else is impressive here.” Perhaps humility.
• “I am an enigma, and who I am is a gift you unwrap from life.”
• “I meet chicks and I have a lot of sex in my own life.”

Episode 7

Melissa, Bailey and I plopped down on the couch in our Las Vegas rental after delightfully stuffing our stomachs at Holstein's courtesy of Julia's recommendation. Melissa thought the old TV looked strange. “This TV makes it look like a cheap soap opera,” Melissa said. “It is,” I explained. Ian got right back to his expulsion of narcissism:

• “What I am is pretty deep.”
• “I’m too deep a thinker. I’m too self-aware.”
• “I went to Princeton, Deerfield, and that’s what I have to offer.”
• “I’m an interesting guy. I’ve had a lot of different experiences.”
• “I’m being punished for being an intellectual.”
• “I don’t find that women have trouble relating to me because I’m too deep.”
• “I feel like I’m destined to be The Bachelor. If I was made Bachelor I think they would come out of the woodworks, mannn. I think they’d be like, oh $*@!, I want to go out with that guy. He’s so deep.”

Kaitlyn summarized her (and all of our) feelings with this statement: “I am like, angry right now.”

Nick V capitalized on Kaitlyn's hurt with a visit while the Welder & company complained. “I’m starting to lose my mind,” Ryan Gosling said, then went up to talk to Kaitlyn only to see her making out with V. “I can’t believe the stuff Ian said to me,” Kaitlyn said. “Me neither,” I said.

Chris Harrison came in, cheerily chimed a glass, and brought the crew to the Alamo for the Rose Ceremony. “Oh dear God, it’s a different battle of survival,” the Welder murmured in terror. “Game faces, guys,” Gosling said. Harrison told Kaitlyn it wouldn’t get any easier and that he was excited to be in his home state. “Texan,” Melissa said. “Answers a lot of questions."

“Do you think the Welder is going home?” Melissa asked. “I think Tanner is gone,” I replied. “Which one’s Tanner?” Melissa asked. “Exactly,” I said.

“There’s a reason they call Texas the Wild West,” the Dentist said. He later added “I want a rose so bad I would pull my own tooth.” 

“The Alamo is my last stand,” the Welder said. He was right. He made sure to fire a parting shot at Nick V on his way out. Justin was also sent packing.

The guys went to Ireland and drank stouts. To the disgust of Ryan Gosling and co., Kaitlyn chose Nick for a one-on-one date. They went to a park. Kaitlyn was frightened by birds. Then they went and bought rings from a woman who looked like an older JK Rowling. Then they made out in an alley. Then they went to a pub. Instead of drinking they made out in front of an old guy.

They had dinner in some church. Or rather, they had a sip of whiskey and got back to making out. “In a church? Come on,” Melissa said. Kaitlyn asked V to come back to her hotel. On the way, they furiously made out under an arch. At the hotel they made out on a couch while V touched her leg. “I want to know every part of you,” Nick said. “You never say that to me, geez,” Melissa said.

Kaitlyn and Nick went into a room in her suite and closed the door. They seemed to still be mic'd up though, or maybe the audio equipment the eight other production guys in the room held was just powerful. There were sounds of Kaitlyn and Nick V continuing to make out, occasional snippets like “I could get a hold of you”, a lot of heavy breathing, and some moaning before an ominous fade-out.

The next morning Kaitlyn wore a bathrobe and peered out from a balcony while Nick V strolled back to the hotel. When he got there he told the guys about their date. Sort of. "We went to a park, hung out at a bar for a while, and then she took me back to her hotel and we just kinda chilled on the couch." “And then I boned her,” Melissa added. 

Six of them went to a dark room and saw Kaitlyn lying in a coffin. They composed speeches pretending that she was dead. Tanner’s was superb. Jared’s was meh. The Dentist’s "Danny Boy" rendition was sorta amusing. Ben H said “um” a lot and didn’t rhyme. Ryan Gosling made a good joke at V’s expense. Ben Z had the other guys leave and muttered something emo.

That night they went to the Guinness Factory and swilled Guinness while Kaitlyn drank white wine for unknown reasons. Ryan Gosling pulled out some photos of his family to show Kaitlyn. Actual paper pictures. Apparently he doesn’t have a phone. Kind of like Paul six months ago. Kaitlyn gave Jared the date rose and they walked up a candlelit path to see the Cranberries play the song “Linger.” Jared said the Cranberries were Kaitlyn’s “favorite band” which seems hard to believe because the Cranberries are nobody’s favorite band, though I do actually believe their song “Dreams” is the most played song in the history of the world. Seriously, I think it is. You hear it everywhere.

Gosling continued his descent into the pain chamber. He swilled his beer contemptuously before stalking off, dropping a string of curses to some production dude, announcing “I can’t do this” and staggering over to Kaitlyn’s hotel room. “I don’t want to do this anymore," he announced. “That’s an obligatory line every season,” Melissa said.

Standings

Andie & Eric: 28 points

Chris: 9

Ben H: 10

Justin: 6
+3 last team standing bonus 

The defending champs have rabbited out to a big lead, but don't appear to have the legs for a stretch run. Justin is busto, the writing is on the wall for the Dentist and H will be lucky to make hometowns.

Andrea & Zack: 24 points

Nick V: 12

Tanner: 8

Jonathan: 4
Well, well, well. A to Z's controversial selection of V at #1 overall is starting to look genius. V passed Gosling and the Bens with a monster 8-point episode (1-on-1 date, rose, sex) and now trails only Jared in points. Most importantly, V is now the overwhelming favorite for Final Rose. Sure Kaitlyn is horny, but asking V to spend the night goes deeper than lust. She wouldn't have done this unless she was planning on going with him at the end. Tanner has proven a worthy second banana. This is V's show to lose and A to Z's pool to lose. 

Melissa & Tom: 22 points

Jared: 13

Ian: 8

Clint: 1

Ian grabbed three points for "exiting on his own accord", while both Jared and Gosling accrued the 2-point bonus for telling Kaitlyn they were falling in love with her last week. They appear to be headed for a climactic three-man battle royale with Nick V unless news of Kaitlyn and V's boinking breaks and one, two or all three of these hotheads lose it while JJ laughs smugly from an interview studio. 

Bri & Doug: 21 points

Joshua: 6

Ben Z: 11

Ryan B: 4

Manly Ben Z appears ticketed for a top-5 finish, but doesn't have the magnetism of Gosling, V or Jared. There's nothing to see here.

Julia & Paul: 17 points

Shawn B: 10

Joe: 7

Cory: 0

Uh oh. This team looked strong as recently as a week ago but could be in big trouble. It's hard to tell if Gosling is cracking or if his struggles have been overblown, but he's starting to look a little more like the guy on the left here. He could even find himself in the hearse before the next commercial break. I still think he's going top three but he's fallen way behind Jared and V. Should Gosling stick it out, he'll be the favorite to be next season's Bachelor. Meanwhile, Kentucky Joe is an underdog to survive an impending 2-on-1 vs. JJ the Jerk.

Kelly & Phil: 13 points

Corey: 3

JJ: 9

Daniel: 1

Ouch. The one-time champs have just about locked up a last-place finish already. It will be a bummer when JJ departs and not just for K&P. With Ian out, the Jerk is the most entertaining dude left. His screentime has waned since Clint's departure, but every smarmy comment has been gold.