Episodes Five & Six

Synopsis

Episode Five

A semi-engaged Wolf and SamENole joined me on the couch in Vegas for the fortnight-anticipated fifth episode of Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette. Bryan talked to Rachel on a boat at night before his signature wild kiss. Kenny called Lee a “disingenuous snake” and told him to “respect me to the hills.” “I have no doubt in my mind that you’re a sack of bleeding muscle right now,” Lee said. “I know cause you’re caught in your snakey ways,” Kenny said. “Bye snakey. Bye snakey.” Rachel gave Bryan the date rose and bid the guys goodnight. Kenny gave him props. “It’s very important not being a bitch-ass dude,” he complimented. Then he told Lee he was a bitch several times.

Jack Stone and Rachel rode in a horse-drawn carriage around Bluffton. They ate oysters with hot sauce, grossing out SamENole. Jack Stone awkwardly kissed, hugged and held hands with Rachel on a pier. Lee and Will had a conversation regarding the word “aggressive” and its racial connotations in America. Wolf was nose-deep in his book, but noted how “smiley” Jack Stone was. Nole was nose-deep in his phone, but asked if a player got negative points if they didn't survive a date. Indeed they do. “It’s about to happen,” Nole said. “The music…” He was right. Rachel got rid of Jack Stone. “In his defense maybe the reason Rachel doesn’t feel a connection is because she is battling a cold and would only feel a deep connection with her couch and a box of kleenex,” Melissa noted from Louisville. “Poor thing.” She also noted that Jack Stone reminded her of Brooks, but didn’t say if it was Brooks Lustig or the Brooks who rejected Desiree the Bachelorette.

Wolf tapped out. Adam expressed anxiety over the Rose Ceremony. “Like, the mood got real,” he said. “If I don’t get a rose tonight I’d feel disappointed.” Bailey snuggled up to Nole, who noted that Josiah looked like Draymond Green. Kenny called Lee a “Leezard” and made a slithering motion with his hands. Rachel got rid of Iggy and the Tickle Monster, who went out the way he came in – with a tickle. “So, the Tickle Monster didn’t get a rose tonight,” he sighed. “I gotta get back out there and look for a girl who appreciates a good set of ticklin’s.” Iggy cried.

They went to Oslo. “This is probably the first time there’s been this many black people in Norway,” Nole said. Bryan and Rachel rode a bus and a train. “Is this guy from Miami?” Nole asked. “He seems like a ‘Canes fan.” They went to the top of a ski jump. They rappelled off it. They made out halfway down. “How romantic,” Nole said. He said something about me to Wes I didn’t catch and Wes laughed loudly. Bryan and Rachel drank beer on a patio. Nole read what I was writing over my shoulder. Bailey stole his seat on the couch.

Rachel wore a lot of gold mascara to dinner. Wes came down to do laundry. He and Nole recounted the tale of how I didn’t realize the lint drawer in my dryer was full for a few months after I moved into my condo. Wolf came down the stairs playing a ukulele in his underwear. Paul busted out of the WSOP Bounty tournament in a 260 big blind pot.

Lee said “shocker” similar to how Melissa always said it. Perhaps she will re-evaluate saying it so much now. Kenny referred to himself in the third person, causing Wolf to suck his breath in. A bunch of dudes went to play handball with Rachel and a guy named Coach Tom. “Handball is a very physical sport,” Coach Tom said. “Handball is life.” “I don’t have Donald Trump hands, I have real hands,” Josiah joked. Alex made a nice move. Rachel threw like a girl. Peter appeared to grab Rachel’s breast before picking her up. Dean tied her shoes. Will made a great steal and score. Dean made a no-look pass. “I could have blocked most of these shots,” Wes said. The red team ended on a 11-1 run.

Kenny cried while talking to his daughter on FaceTime. Lee lifted weights in jeans and boots, then read books. Wes and I discussed going to Black Mountain Grill, igniting a conversation on cooking steaks between him and Wolf. Wes admitted he wasn’t very good at cooking steaks, which surprised Wolf, perhaps because Wes is a father from Alabama. Will and Alex had productive conversations with Rachel. Josiah told Rachel he thought she was the one for him. She told him he rarely asked questions about her while some ominous music played. “Draymond’s going home,” Nole said. Adam (the housemate, not the contestant) entered the room and gave us an unasked-for update on his WSOP fantasy team. Peter and Rachel went outside and made out in a hot tub. Will got the date rose.

Kenny, Lee and Rachel went for a helicopter ride to a place called Hobøl. “It’s just a fight to the death in the wilderness,” Nole said. Kenny spoke with Rachel and she noted his sincerity. Lee spoke with Rachel and she said “I know there are truths in what they are saying, and I feel like there are exaggerations in what they are saying. I don’t know who to believe at this point.” She was talking about Kenny and Lee, not Fox News and CNN. “This short stack southern piece of garbage…” Kenny started chortling. “Oh God. Oh God. Oh God oh God oh God, oh GOD, OH GOD. He just flat out lied. This f**ker is grasping at straws. Good f**kin’ lord. He will get washed under in a tide of realness that is Kenny,” he said and continued chortling.

Episode Six

I watched this one solo on my computer on Melissa's Hulu account. Kenny and Lee had an argument over whether or not Lee told Rachel that Lee pulled Kenny out of a van. “You garbage ****** ******** piece of ******” Kenny said. “Jesus loves you,” Lee responded. “You know what, Jesus don’t love you, cause you a piece of ****. I’m’a drag my **** across your grave, you son of a bitch, rotten piece of bas****. Eat **** and die,” Kenny said. Adam the housemate came out of his room, went to the bathroom and started vomiting loudly. I was watching on my computer with headphones so it wasn’t related to his distaste for the show. It was the second time in three days a housemate had vomited profusely. Poor Wolf had food poisoning a couple nights ago. Rachel said ha det to Lee and left him in the Norwegian wood (coincidentally one of Adam’s favorite songs). She didn’t give Kenny the rose, but allowed him to stay on the show. Kenny said one more slew of “Oh Gods”, had one final confrontation with Lee, then returned to Oslo with a tilted Rachel in the helicopter.  

Wolf doubled up with ace-king against queens near the bubble of the WSOP $1500. Kenny explained why he went back to confront Lee in a way that pleased Rachel so she gave him a rose. Then he Facetimed his daughter who was very cute and he cried.  

At the Rose Ceremony, Rachel got rid of an overconfident Josiah and a reserved Anthony, crippling our team and the defending champs. I imagined Big Eric Schwartz yelling “BAM!” when Adam and Alex got roses. Josiah made fun of both as well as Matt the Penguin on his way out.

They went to a hotel in Denmark. Eric and Rachel drank champagne on a boat. Rachel said she liked to drink beer, eat food and watch sports at bars, and wanted to have four kids. Eric said he wanted ten. They went hottubbing. A naked beer-swilling Dane stood up and yelled. They made out in the hot tub (Eric and Rachel, not the naked Dane and his beer. Actually, the latter couple probably did too.) At night they went to an amusement park called Tivoli. They drove bumper cars and played whack-a-mole before having a conversation at a dinner table with hamburgers which they didn’t appear to eat.

I resumed watching at 5 AM after going to Walmart to get a 9-volt battery for the smoke alarm which decided to start chirping during what Zack says is “the time when nothing good happens” (4-6 AM). Some guys rowed oars on a ship and yelled. Then they dressed up as “wykings” and yelled some more. They played some wrestling games in a circle and Kenny and Adam were declared winners. Their prize was a final battle in the circle. Kenny won. Both bled. They showed the shot of Kenny bleeding that had been repeatedly teased as a house fight in about seven trailers including the one last week pretending it was from a fight with Lee.

At night Rachel had conversations with the guys at a quiet club while I devoured leftover Chipotle. Her conversation with Kenny was bittersweet and culminated in her telling him “I think you should go home.” So he did. He FaceTimed his daughter from the hearse and cried. Peter got the group date rose.

Rachel and Will took “a boat to another country” in Will’s words. That other country was Sweden. It was pretty obvious Rachel was trying to check it off the list of Scandinavian countries since they’d been to Norway and Denmark and she’d gone to Finland with Nick V. They did a variety of activities including throwing sticks, eating dough, drinking coffee with old people, and standing awkwardly on top of a castle.

At night they went back to Copenhagen and Will told Rachel he typically dated white girls. He also told her he was physically passionate in relationships which backfired because Rachel felt like he hadn’t been that way with her. She got rid of him. Melissa noted he was sent home before eating his dinner and didn’t even get a to-go box.

Although Rachel cried at the Rose Ceremony, it was anticlimactic because it came down to Adam and Alex who were both on Eric Schwartz’s team. Rachel ousted Alex.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 32

1. Bryan - 11

2. Alex - 10

3. Adam - 10

4. Blake - 1

This shrewdly-drafted team appears ticketed for a title. Getting this deep with three players is impressive; the fact that one of them is Bryan the Frontrunner nearly seals it for Big Eric. 

Melissa & Tom - 24

1. Peter - 13

2. Josiah - 7

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

Could Peter win? Maybe. He seems to be trailing Bryan and Dean, but those two could potentially spring leaks down the stretch. Peter won't screw it up, but he'll need a skeleton to come out of Bryan's closet to upend him. The trailers don't hint at any upcoming bombshells, so a second or third place finish seems likely.

Julia & Paul - 23

1. Dean - 13

2. Anthony - 7

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1
I think Dean's season will be decent. I imagine a diverse cast of cougars and starf*ckers competing for his affections, and him wading through the muck with that consistent smile of his. The two-time defending champs have fallen eleven points back, so they'll need a major meltdown from the Colombian Chiropractor to have a shot. 

Andrea & Zack - 18

1. Eric - 12

2. Will - 7

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2

Eric breathed some life into this team before Will sucked it out on top of that castle. A fourth place finish for both Eric and this team appears likely.

Kelly & Phil - 18

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 9

3. Lee - 5

4. Blake - 1
When Matt the Penguin is your last hope, you know it's been a rough season. His departure is imminent, but he clawed out enough points for K&P to avoid a last-place finish.
 

Bri & Doug - 16

1. Kenny - 10

2. Iggy - 5

3. Diggy - 3

4. DeMario - -2

I gave Kenny minus three for "exiting the show prematurely and involuntarily." It could be argued his exit was voluntary, but he wasn't the one to suggest it. I looked back to see if this was the lowest scoring team in pool history. It is the lowest-scoring four-player team we've had if I got the points right. Certainly B&D took a bad beat with DeMario, but their other picks are hard to defend.