Episode 6

Synopsis

“We already gave Kelsey points for crying, right?” I asked Melissa as the episode opened with her bawling uncontrollably on the floor (Kelsey, not Melissa). Somehow Kelsey was able to make a joke about brownies in between breaths into an oxygen mask. The Australian medic from Survivor came to help her, then the farmer came in and gave her a hug next to a drinking fountain.

They had a delayed rose ceremony. Ashley I cried but got a rose. Mackenzie cried but didn’t get a rose. Some new girl named Samantha who hadn’t been on before showed up and was immediately ousted. “This decision is just so hard,” the farmer said. “I have no idea…” “Who you are,” Melissa finished.

The farmer shaved his neck and slowly put on a shirt and flew on a plane. Melissa actually noticed he flew to DIA but they edited it to make it seem like he flew to Deadwood, South Dakota even though there probably isn’t an airport in any Dakota. After the third sprawling commercial break of the show’s first 24 minutes the farmer took Becca horseback riding.

Meanwhile, back at the casino-hotel, Kelsey cried and on came the fourth commercial break of the first 33 minutes. There was a teaser for 7News at 10 featuring an interview of Jordan the drunk girl who got voted out twice. Melissa fell for it and had me DVR it.

The farmer said he wanted “4 to 6” kids but “there’s no over/under.” Becca laughed about his laugh and he gave her a rose and then they made out.

Country duo Big & Rich came to Deadwood to sing with the girls. Carly the cruise ship singer was fired up for it. Jade said she was “on the struggle bus” but either Big or Rich (whoever the old one is) ran down the street with her and fired her up. They snuck a sixth commercial break in before they drank light beers and sang. Chris was awful. Britt was OK. Whitney’s squeaky voice got by somehow. Kaitlyn couldn’t sing but sort of rapped. Carly was good. Jade survived. Chris gave Britt the date rose on stage with the band. The other girls were not happy about it. Carly cried. Kaitlyn also cried. Whitney as well.

Finally, after an eighth commercial break, came the Main Event: Crazy Kelsey vs Ashley Kardashian in a 2-on-1 date. They flew with Chris past Mount Rushmore to a bed in the Badlands. Ashley talked behind Kelsey’s back and Kelsey cried. Then Kelsey stared daggers at Ashley for a while before finally hissing “I know what you did.” Ashley started sobbing and dragged the farmer off into the Badlands while Melissa chanted “Send them both home! Send them both home!"

The farmer got rid of Ashley, who wept uncontrollably. Then he granted Melissa's wish and bounced Kelsey too, leaving her on the bed in the Badlands while he escaped in the helicopter. “And now the real reality show: two bitches battle to the death in the desert," Melissa said.

Standings

Andie & Eric: 37.5 points
1. Jade: 9
2. Whitney: 11
3. Mackenzie: 9
4. Juelia: 7 
+1.5 last team standing bonus (tie)
Seemingly a quiet episode for A&E, they continued to tighten their grips on the competition. Whitney may not win it but she's in the Bachelorette mix and should at least make hometowns. Jade is the safest bet to win the Final Rose and their adversaries are crumbling quickly. A&E are the heavy favorites to win the pool. 

Julia & Paul: 31 points

1. Kelsey: 12

2. Tandra: 1

3. Carly: 11

4. Ashley S: 7

This thoroughly unimpressive team poked a few holes in our points system. A team this uncompetitive for Final Rose should never find themselves in this good of standing...but when you think about it, this team was built on dramatic players and choosing dramatic players should be a bonus IMO. 

Kelly & Phil: 27 points
1. Becca: 13
2. Megan: 9
3. Trina: 2
4. Amber: 3
With Ashley I's elimination, we now know Becca is headed to the fantasy suite. K&P will need her to go the distance to collect their second title. Personally I don't see it - I think Chris is more entranced by Jade and Britt - but Becca is certainly a stalwart. Megan's out this week but has given K&P solid production for a second round pick/idiot.

Bri & Doug: 25.5 points

1. Ashley I: 14

2. Samantha: 6

3. Nikki: 4
+1.5 last team standing bonus (tie)

Bri & Doug's team somehow found a way to be (tied for) the last whole team standing and the first whole team eliminated. If Kaitlyn and Britt get through next week's trip to Iowa, B&D could finish in the basement. They'll blame it on only having three players but of course that helped them get the last team standing bonus. The fact is they picked Ashley I with the #1 overall pick, then picked Samikki - and those decisions will be punished. 

Melissa & Tom: 20 points

1. Britt: 14

2. Alissa: 1

3. Jillian: 4

4. Kimberly: 1

The impending visit to Arlington, Iowa has opened the door for a possible "exiting the show prematurely and involuntarily" -3 for Britt or perhaps more likely a +3 bonus for "exiting the show prematurely on one's own accord." We could use the +3 bonus - otherwise it could be a last-place finish for the MoonBee. 

Andrea & Zack: 18 points

1. Kaitlyn: 13

2. Tracy: 3

3. Jordan: 1

4. Tara: 1
As cool as Kaitlyn is, it doesn't seem like she's ready to move to northeast Iowa and pop out 4 to 6 little farmers anytime soon. She's a better bet for next Bachelorette. She also has an outside, outside shot at "Rejecting a marriage proposal from The Bachelor after the final rose ceremony" which would unthinkably give A to Z the automatic win of the pool.