Season Premiere and Episode 2

You Guys! It’s back! and LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!! Apparently, per ABC (who has no reason to be bias), The Bachelor is America’s most talked about TV show. Now, in the age of Trump fake news is running rampant. Originally when I watched this I was going to make a joke about how I’ve never talked about this show with anyone who isn’t directly involved in this draft, but then I got really excited when I talked about it to a girl I work with. So maybe it’s not fake news.

ANYWAY. The season premiere starts with Colton showering. We will become very familiar with this scene as the season progresses, I predict. Colton seems to have very good (and well documented) personal hygiene. I fast-forward through the watch party bits. Ain’t no one got time for that. The girls trickle out in their usual fashion, trying their best not to slip on the perm-a-wet driveway. 

The vignettes foreshadow the main players of the season:

~ Cassie - from Huntington Beach. A Speech Therapist and in grad school (although is she in grad school for SLP or is she getting a second degree?) I looked into Speech therapy school briefly. It’s very competitive, at least at CU. She wears a faulty rash guard that doesn’t cover her boobies. I think that defeats its purpose. 

~ Alabama Hannah- in fact, “Miss Alabama” who, I guess, is very sad because the Crimson Tide was “shockingly beat down” per my husband. 

~ Katie loves dancing but she wants stability. She is very fit, as evidenced by her vignette in which she works out the entire time

~ Heather from Cali has somehow never been kissed. Maybe because she’s “always on the water”

~ Onyekachukwu Ehie from TX (her parents are from Nigeria) can be loud and obnoxious and is self proclaimed “a lot to handle” 

~ Nicole from Miami isn’t about hook ups and wants the real deal. She is family focused - her bro is autistic and is part of her package deal.

~ Kirpa from Cali is a dentist. The annoying kind that talks to you while she cleans your teeth. She also likes her family.

~ Demi from TX has never been in a serious relationship. Her mom is in prison for embezzling. Oops. But she gets out soon. Maybe we’ll get to see the family reunion.

Watching those vignettes made Colton sweaty so he showers again. In slow motion this time and then he works out, which doesn’t make sense to me. Probably so he shower again. With pants on. 

We are an hour in and Colton finally gets to meet a girl. 30 of them, in fact. If you care, here are my first impressions:

Demi in a banana yellow dress hasn’t dated a virgin since she was 12 (?!)

Tayshia - a phlebotomist. They both have a heart for kids

Heather is a bit ditzy and wears a red dress

Nicole from Miami speaks Spanish to him

Caelynn - Miss N. Carolina is wearing her sash that turns into a Mrs Underwood sash. Clever.

Sydney - NBA dancer

Elyse - from Alaska. The first Alaskan? I said she looked old, but she was 31, so now I feel like shit

Tahzjuan from Colorado

Cassie has fake butterflies. Literally. 

Kirpa

Caitlin pops his cherry

Courtney is a sweet Georgia peach

Katie takes his V-Card

Alex from Boston is very dedicated to her sloth act. But never showed her face

Onyeka

Erika McNut brought nuts. A way to a mans heart is through his stomach

Hannah - roll tide. She did not wear her sash

Tracy shows up in a cop car as the “fashion police”

Angelique has sparkles just like everyone else

Devin from OR

Revian a nurse from Santa Monica, speaks Mandarin

Nina - speaks Croatian

Alex - was sick but she had signs

Bri - a model that looks like Ali McBeal. Australian - fake!

Laura from Dallas is wearing the same dress as another girl

Hannah G from Alabama - got him his favorite brand of underwear har har

Jane photoshopped their dogs together

Catherine - is set up to be the villain shows up with her dog and leaves it with him. Botox.

Erin shows up in a cinderella carriage and her profession is Cinderella? 

The night starts with Banana Yellow dress Demi taking him first. Of course, all the women who have never seen the show are surprised at how quickly that happens. But she’s a cat person. Colton lives in Denver - a dog town. This isn’t going anywhere. But she’s convinced he likes her already. Did she not realize there are 29 other women?

Miss N. Carolina (from Virginia?) earns the first kiss. Miss Alabama is not going to be pleased. Katie also earned a kiss. 

The villain, Catherine, is convinced that she is the only one with substance. And by substance she obviously means "botox". But she gets interrupted and immediately steals him back. Twice. Nay, Thrice. Which obviously causes insane drama. Like you’ve never seen before..?

He had some good interactions with a number of women but Hannah G in the gold-dress gets the first impression rose. As the sun rises, the other roses go to Caelynn, Katie, Alex B, Hannah B, Onyeka, Caitlyn, Annie, Kirpa, Heather, Elise, Tayshia, Courtney, Cassie, Demi, Nina, Erika, Sydney, Bri, Angelique, Tracy, Nicole, and Catherine.

EPISODE 1

We start with Colton in bed, with fresh wake-up voice, feeling ready for the season. I wonder, is this the very next day or do they get a day to recover? I am no longer at an age where I can pull all nighters and function the next day. And despite what Demi thinks, I am not that much older than these girls. 

Regardless, the group date is:  Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G, Nicole, Onyeka and Catherine. They go to a theater and a famous couple instructed them on how to tell stories of “firsts”. 

- Colton’s first of course involves him being a virgin. I wonder what he’s going to talk about once he’s not a virgin anymore. But it was a good speech, I guess.

- Elyse talked about her first time dating a younger man. Demi started her agist rhetoric. 

- Hannah G read from her book, I’m not sure what she said. Something about a rose. 

- Demi kisses Colton and says “and thats how I got the first group date rose”. For sure a villain in the making.

At the cocktail party Elyse mentions that there’s a cougar den in the house where all the “older” women sleep. Colton seemed to like it. He seems like he’d be into a more “mature” woman.

Nicole tried to snag the group date rose with her heartfelt story of her autistic brother. It didn’t work. Instead Elyse got the group date rose, which baffled Demi.

The 1 on 1 goes to Hannah B - Colton didn’t know it was her birthday, but the producers did. They drive a cool orange jeep to Vasquez Rocks to rides horses. Hannah from Alabama has never ridden a horse before. “Is this Arizona-ish?” she wonders. Tom isn’t sure what that means. Colton delivers a decent toast but Wow. Easily the worst toast ever from Hannah. It’s not that hard, girl… “lets toast to you/to us/to the future/to this beautiful day” but no, she just smiles and giggles and makes women everywhere feel sad about this misrepresentation of female intelligence. Colton segues to the hot tub thinking, “well, if I can’t enjoy the conversation I might as well enjoy the scenery.” The poor guy all but begs her to relax. Tom and I wonder if Colton is bold enough to send a girl packing on her birthday. 

A flash back to the house reveals the drama bubbling beneath the surface between Hannah B and Caelynn from their beauty queen days. Which will at least earn her a few more episodes from the producers until that drama plays out.

Hannah is way too smiley for as terrible as this date is going. He breaks through to her a little bit by saying that she doesn’t have to be perfect. Pretty good insight on his part, I’d say. I think she saved herself by opening up a little, but Tom doesn’t think she’ll go deep. Hard to tell if she is actively crying as she talks about how special he is. I will not award a point - feel free to rebut.

Moving on to the next group date he takes Alex B, Erika, Katie, Caelynn, Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Caitlin, Courtney , Cassie and Heather to summer camp for a “good ol’ time”. Then Billy Ikner shows up and wonders if Colton is the first gay bachelor perpetuating the stereotype that men have to screw a lot of women to prove their man-hood. The red team wins earning them an over night camp experience with Colton. 

Some making out happens while some other girls dish in the cabins. Heather tells Colton that she’s never kissed anyone - and go figure - he’s not bothered by it. However, there is a moment where there could have been a kiss but wasn’t and now he’ll second guess kissing her in the future. Also, they are setting it up where she could have her first kiss on National Television. Terrible idea, don’t you think? Heather gets 2 points for declaring her virginity to Colton.

Caelynn shares that she had encephalitis as a kid and it endeared her to Colton because of the whole soft-spot-for-sick-kids thing. But, Heather gets the rose. Virgin alliance formed.

Before the cock-tail party Colton showers again. If he’s not careful he’ll get all pruny from showering too much. 

Demi flaunts her age again, forgetting that she too is aging as she speaks. 

Coltons motto when he talks to Sydney: “if you didn’t cheat, you didn’t try” hopefully this doesn’t flow over to his romantic relationships.

Onyeka uses an air horn. A bit loud. A bit obnoxious. Just as advertised. But Sydney responds with an adult temper tantrum. I fear Sydney’s days are numbered from this display of immaturity. I drafted her way too high. Drats. 

Demi takes a page from Jordan’s play book and comes to a cocktail party in a bathrobe and interrupts Tracy (who is now seething) and leads him upstairs to her “fantasy closet”. Tracy cries in her room and Demi at least attempts to comforts her. Although obviously disingenuous. 

The rose ceremony includes: Tayshia, Cassie, Caelynn, Courtney, Demi, Nicole, Kirpa, Hannah G, Catherine, Bri, Sydney, Onyeka, Katie, Kayla, Nina, and Tracy. Sending Alex B, Angelique, some blonde chick (Erika), and Annie (even though she’s wearing a pretty dress) home.

Julia and Paul already get the last team standing bonus points. Toms assessment:

Eric is dead. Best team is probably Andrea and Zack. Julia and Paul are way too reliant on Tayshia. Bri and Doug might be good. Kelly and Phil might be good. He thinks my team sucks. Neat.

I would like some clarification on the points. We have listed that "winning the group date" is 2 points. I'm not really sure what this means. I think this should be changed to "getting the group date rose." You wouldn't also get points for getting a rose, but there would be some benefit to winning the rose on the group date. What do y'all think? 

I'll update the points soon. But in my initial run through am I seeing that he sent two girls home without so much as a date? Rude! Angelique and Annie never had a shot.

Points update: 
Many thanks to Doug for this masterpiece of a spreadsheet. As Eric predicted, he is in first place. I'm sorry you will only be able to enjoy it for 10 short hours until the next episode airs. These points do not include J&P last team standing bonus, I'll add that in next week.