Episode 7

Synopsis

My FIANCEE Melissa emailed me some comments she wrote while watching the show. Bag did a nice job of putting the annoying mouse arrow in the bottom right where the ABC logo pops up and we got right to it on a 109 degree afternoon in Vegas.

The bros walked into a hotel. They were wearing either hoodies or scarves. I thought the scarves looked unnatural on the farmer guy and pink-shirted Marcus. “Nick looks like he knows how to put on a scarf,” Andrea said, which I concurred with.

Andi said that traveling, for her, meant "immersing yourself in everyday life." "Like staying in posh hotels, walking through the touristy parts of town and going on lavish dates," Melissa wrote.

Upon learning that Marcus got a one-on-one date, Josh let out an expletive. Andi and Marcus went for a walk around Brussels. They ate and, as usual, left a ton of food and beer on the table. No problem though, they went and had dinner next. “It’s turning into a therapy session now,” Andrea said when Marcus started telling a sob story about his absentee father. They were too busy talking to eat their food.

"Poor Marcus. He's not going to win," Melissa said. "Not feeling the chemistry. He's a lot like the pretty boy from last season's Bachelorette." I think Melissa meant Drew, who Andrea and Zack actually sat next to the other night at Lotus of Siam.

Nick made a hokey, aggressive move where he surprised the Bachelorette by finding her hotel room and knocking on her door.  “Girls like that shit,” Andrea said. “I would want him to come to my door.”

“I don’t like Nick at all,” Paul said emphatically. They went to a coffee shop and talked for like five minutes. Then they made out for like thirty minutes.

Andi and Josh M went for a walk and ate a piece of chocolate. “That was literally phenomenal,” Josh said. They actually ate a decent amount of bread or sandwiches or something and talked about vulnerability. “I think this date’s going well for him so far,” Paul said. “I give it a 6,” Andrea said.

Then they went to a church. Then they went to a castle for dinner. Josh told Andi he was falling in love with her and she lit up like SamENole when someone announces there’s gonna be a game of Dr. Mario. They let their food go to waste and made out a bunch. “This is going excellently,” Bag said.

Back at the hotel Nick was feeling cocky. "Nick is wearing a picnic table cloth for a shirt," Melissa noted. Chris looked pissed at him. “I feel like the farmer’s gonna plow him over,” Andrea said. Get it?

For the group date, they went and walked around some old castle ruins. “The ruins stood the test of time, and I’m hoping Andi and I’s relationship will also stand the test of time,” Dylan said.

Then they went on a weird bike-cart-train thing. Then they went to an abbey. Andi and the farmer reenacted this famous scene from Ghost. Except for the part where they had sex. They did make out though. "'He looked good in that denim shirt' - said no one ever...until Andi," Melissa said.

Nick said some more cocky shit that pissed his inferiors off. Then Andi gave him the group date rose as his inferiors seethed. “I feel like she just told me she loves me,” Nick said.

“Brian is pissed!” Paul said. The inferiors got in a car and started cursing. Dylan had to sit bitch. No surprise. They went back to the hotel and told Marcus and Josh about it. Marcus cursed too.

Nick and Andi kissed and held hands some more. “The only way anyone else has a shot is if Nick has a small penis,” Bag said.

They played a word choice game. “Big or small?” Nick asked. She asked him back. “Go big or go home,” Nick said. Then they watched some fireworks.

Nick went home and sat on a couch. His inferiors seethed silently until Brian finally snapped and then they all went off on Nick for a few minutes. Marcus swirled his red wine, Brian’s voice got nasal and the farmer cracked his knuckles. Dylan was a no-show.

Chris told Andi he was falling in love with her. “That sounded like a job interview,” Bag said.

At the rose ceremony, Andi offed two of the inferiors, Brian and Dylan.

Standings

Kelly & Phil: 35 points

Marcus: 16

Brian: 11.5

Andrew: 4.5

+3 team bonus

Brian is finally back in Pennsylvania practicing halfcourt jumpshots, but he may have hung around long enough to give the defending champs an insurmountable lead. Can Nick pick up 14 points on Marcus? He'll only pick up six if he wins, successfully asks Andi to marry him and Marcus finishes second. He'll only pick up 10 if he wins/successfully proposes and Marcus finishes third or fourth. He'll pick up 14 if he wins/successfully proposes and Marcus doesn't make it to the fantasy suite or become the next Bachelor. The defending champs have to be considered big favorites to repeat. 

Bri & Doug: 22 points

Chris: 15

Patrick: 5

Ron: 2

Chris the Farmer seems like the best candidate to be the next Bachelor. I'd be less than thrilled, but could stomach it. I've been hoping for Zach W from Desiree's season, but that appears less than likely based on this Facebook photo.

Melissa & Tom: 21.5 points

Nick V: 12.5

Nick S: .5

JJ: 8.5

Nick V has this thing locked down. Maybe he does view it as a game. Maybe he is constantly thinking strategy. What's wrong with that? It doesn't mean he's not passionate about Andi (who obviously feels more for him than the other dudes combined) and it doesn't mean he's "not here for the right reasons." The big reason why he bugs the other guys is they know Andi likes him more than them.

Andrea & Zack: 18 points

Josh M: 13

Eric: 0

Marquel: 5

Josh is the only fellow with a shot at toppling Nick V. We're still waiting on the big moment when Josh is revealed to be either a) a hustler with a heart of gold or b) a sleazebag. It doesn't feel like there's middle ground there. I think it might be Hy that gets to the bottom of this one, if he's not mesmerized by Josh's connection to UGA football.

Andie & Eric: 13 points

Dylan: 9

Tasos: 3.5

Craig: .5

Bag asked me to make more fun of this team, which was a fair request considering the way I blasted his squad last season. There's just not that much comic meat here. Craig was a silly drunk, Tasos wore two earrings and Dylan never smiled or talked. As feeble as this team was, it still outscored the Dregs and doubled the output of A to Z's Bachelor team.

Dregs: 9.5 points

Bradley: 2

Brett: 2

Carl: .5

Cody: 5

Hometowns will be fine and all, but aren't likely to match the edgy candor of Juan Pablo's powwow with Hy last season. I sure hope Hy puts in an appearance during Josh M's "hometown" this week.