Synopsis
Juan Pablo and the three remaining girls went down to an island called Saint Lucia. It had this one pointy jungle peak they made sure was the background for every shot. Afterwards I googled it for like twenty minutes. First JP hung out with Clare. "We're gonna get to know each other better," JP said. Then he raised his eyebrows and smiled mischievously. "A lot better."
Clare was concerned about going to the Fantasy Suite with JP because of the South China Sea Incident, but JP was no longer worried about protecting Camila, or really, worried about anything. Clare told JP she was in love with him and then they spent the night in the Fantasy Suite.
Just a few hours later JP woke up and met Andi. They went to the beach and ate seafood. Then they played soccer with some kids. Then they went driving in a weird car. Then they went to a waterfall. They decided to play cribbage under the waterfall. Just kidding - they made out.
They spent the night in the fantasy suite. JP had a good time. Andi did not.
JP got up, fresh as a daisy, and met Nikki. They went around the island. Nikki said it "was like something you see in a movie." Close, but The Bachelor is actually a TV show, not a movie (although it is two hours long, four hours this week). JP tried to act like it was new and exciting to him, but he'd done basically the same thing the last two days. Nikki told JP that she loved him. Again JP tried to act like it was new and exciting, but Clare had told him the same thing 48 hours earlier. They spent the night in the Fantasy Suite too.
Chris Harrison showed JP videos the girls had made for him. Clare said nice things. Nikki said nice things. Andi said she wanted to talk to him in person. Then she walked up and they had a conversation. Andi told JP she didn't like him anymore. JP said "it's okay" or "it's fine" many times. Every time he said it Andy got angrier. She said it wasn't okay. They argued about whether it was okay or not. They argued about whether JP had used the word "default." They argued about whether JP was taking the show seriously or not. They argued about whether JP had a language barrier or was just a douche. Andi won the arguments because she's a professional arguer, because she's a native English speaker, because her intentions are clearer, but mostly because she was right.
She got into a van and went home, leaving Clare and Nikki as the last two standing.
Standings
Kelly & Phil: 42.5 points
Nikki: 30
If my numbers and scoring are correct, Nikki vs Clare in the final battle royale will determine this pool's winner. At first it might appear that MoonBee would only pick up 6 points on K&P in this scenario and still finish .5 behind Kelly & Phil, but remember that Clare will pick up an additional 2 points on Nikki if she meets Camila. Nikki has already met Camila and received those points.
MoonBee: 36 points
Clare: 29.5
Clare could have waited 15 minutes to privately tell JP she loved him, but elected to do so on camera. That's everything you need to know about Clare, and why she's the End Boss, described here on wikipedia:
The final boss is the opponent that is usually at the end of the game. They are usually the main antagonists of the game. Final bosses usually have their own special music tracks that are more dramatic than the music for the other bosses, and some final battles have the main theme of the game. The final boss is often fought during the final level, and after its defeat often is the end of the game. The levels they inhabit are usually heavily guarded by smaller enemies, making the route to the final boss difficult.
Schwartzes were eliminated from contention Tuesday. They lost the war, but certainly won the battle. Andi was the best member of the cast and is the best bet to be the next Bachelorette, should she choose to accept.
When I was living in Ethiopia, this 19 year-old kid we just called "The Kid" came and stayed at our house. I was infatuated with The Kid. I couldn't believe the breadth of interesting facts and opinions he possessed at 19. He seemed to know everything about everything (except relationships) and never failed to provide an interesting viewpoint.
One day my friend Geoff, who was also staying at the house, mentioned that The Kid never asked anyone else questions. I could ask The Kid seventeen questions in a row without him reciprocating, then pause, and no one would say anything. I started fixating on it, and slowly realized every story he told, everything he said, was designed to point the conversation towards a point of his expertise. He had no interest in anyone else's story though everyone in the house possessed a wealth of interesting knowledge, personal history of their own, and applicable advice for a 19 year-old. His once-intriguing anecdotes became wearying in this context and I stopped hanging out with him.
Almost simultaneously, I was reading the only thing that ever changed my life, a chapter of C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity called "The Great Sin."
I love Melissa for a lot of reasons, but the surest is that she never feels the need to draw attention to herself. Everything she says is organic. She lives without ulterior motives, without discernible traces of The Great Sin. Tuesday's episode of The Bachelor confirmed the awful truth that had been slowly, steadily mounting all season: that Juan Pablo is poisoned with Pride.
Andi is a balanced, contemplative and rational thinker. Her clear, eloquent description of JP's unawareness of this fault rings true for so many of the most self-absorbed people I've known. This wasn't an issue of chemistry or commonalities; this was the depressing realization of an inescapable defect in JP's personality. It was sad for Andi, who'd bought into JP's charm while expressing skepticism over the show's merit. It was sadder for the audience, who'd been similarly duped. Earlier this season I said JP was in the 99th percentile of social intelligence and declared I would give him a call if I ever needed an agent. But it was saddest for JP himself, who, like a young Mark Zuckerberg, needs to divorce himself before he can find intimacy with another.
There isn't a scenario in which I see Nikki winning this. JP has been smitten with Clare this entire season. We stand by our prediction (not that bold) that Andi if she wants it is the next bachellorette and that JP isn't marrying any of these women. Based on last weeks' previews he is going to get flambéed at the women tell all show. Can't wait to see him go down in flames, but, it's fine, it's ok, it's fine, it's ok….
ReplyDelete1. I consider it a personal victory that Andi left the show.
ReplyDelete2. I'd love to see her as the next bachelorette but it's definitely going to be Clare's sister, Lara. Confirmed.
3. Bag, they haven't filmed the Women Tell All yet. You should go and vent your frustration with the women who let you down.
Next time around we should award a bonus point or 1/2 point for each woman that makes it on the Tell All episode. And an extra point if the woman is brought up on stage for a 1-1 interview.
ReplyDeleteI've had a couple requests, either real and/or imagined, to guest post the blog for last week's episode, since our host C̶h̶r̶i̶s̶ ̶H̶a̶r̶r̶i̶s̶o̶n̶ Thomas Fuller is late.
ReplyDeleteThe Girls Tell All & They Didn't Have Much To Say
Last week's episode was one of the all-time most boring. So boring that they reduced it to 90 minutes. And they wasted the first 10 minutes of the show updating us on Sean and What's Her Name. They are very nice people but also among the least interesting Bachelor couples ever.
Without a villainous female contestant or any significant drama throughout the season, there wasn't much to talk about. JP shows heavy emotions when he asks a woman to leave the show, but he is curiously void of feelings and compassion for all 25 women who have left the show.
The Finale
For once, the previews undersold the finale. Visually, we see what could be drama with each woman crying. We also see Juan walking somewhere. But Chris didn't promise this would be the most dramatic, hypnotic, or supersonic finale ever. And they never undersell anything. So I'm assuming it's a routine episode.
After The Final Rose
On the last episode Juan didn't sit in the chair with the confident look of a man who is content because he has found his wife. Is it okay now?