Synopsis
A bunch of Juan Pablo’s relatives flew out to Saint Lucia to
the villa where he was staying. Clare came over. Clare kept saying “one
thousand percent” about things and admitted she doesn’t speak Spanish even
though her mom is Mexican. So math and foreign languages are not strongpoints,
but she can cut hair and make out in any kind of weather.
JP’s dad said “I love you,” to Clare, which was interesting
because he’d known her for five minutes when he said that. But if you watch The
Bachelor, you know that it often takes just a minute or two for true love to
develop.
Clare left and Nikki came over. They mentioned all the
places they’d been and JP said that they went to “Kansas” when they actually
went to Kansas City, which is mostly in Missouri. Nikki even said she was from
“Missouri.” So maybe Clare and JP are a good match.
JP’s cousin Rodolfo, who may have been on the prowl for
sloppy seconds, told Nikki that JP was prone to give up on relationships at the
first sign of difficulty.
Chris Harrison interviewed people in a live studio audience
because they didn’t have enough material for a two-hour show. Some lady in the
audience made the good point that JP’s family basically warned both girls that
they’d be getting in a lot of fights with JP. Then Chris Harrison actually
found a guy in the audience who wasn’t Bag and interviewed him.
JP and Clare took a helicopter ride past that insane pointy
mountain. Right before they got out, JP said something
about not knowing Clare, then said something sexual and crude. Clare wouldn’t
say what it was, but she was disturbed.
That night JP came over to talk to her. JP kept asking for a
besito. Clare was perturbed about
whatever he said earlier and turned her face.
Clare gave him like two minutes of cross-examination, then
completely crumbled and it was besitos
time while they listened to some crappy song they’d listened to on their first
date. On point as always, in the studio Sharleen said it “was painful to
watch…a girl’s intuition ringing and she just ignored it.”
Nikki and JP went on a boat. They talked and kissed. Then
they went to a beach where they talked and kissed. Nikki was hoping JP would
tell her that he loved her, so apparently she didn’t know the rules that he
wasn’t allowed to say that before the final rose. Then they went to a hotel
room. They sat on a bed and talked about nothing for ten minutes straight.
Seriously, they talked about nothing. Here’s an actual transcript from their
conversation:
JP: “It’s almost over.”
Nikki: “Yeah, it is.”
JP: “Are you looking at something?”
N: “I was just thinking.”
JP: “I know.”
N: “I was thinking.”
JP: “What you were thinking?”
N: “Just, it is, like, it’s almost over…[pause]…It’s like, I’ve been like, wanting it to be the end, you know, for a while but, like, now that it’s here it’s, like, kind of scary, and like, kind of like, I don’t know.”
N: “Just, it is, like, it’s almost over…[pause]…It’s like, I’ve been like, wanting it to be the end, you know, for a while but, like, now that it’s here it’s, like, kind of scary, and like, kind of like, I don’t know.”
JP: “Me neither. That’s the worst thing. I don’t know. It is
what it is.”
Just imagine the drivel that was edited out, if that banter made the final cut.
JP left without saying anything meaningful and Nikki cried.
There was a climactic ceremony in a forest/stage near the
beach. Melissa had a lot of commentary about this portion of the show. A few
highlights:
- “Heels on sand?? Damn, that is a better woman than me.”
- “That gate is stupid.” She had a good point there, it was a silly wooden gate with nothing on either side.
- “Here’s how this shot went: Juan Pablo - look longingly at that rose. Juan Pablo - stare off to the side.”
- “What is she wearing?? Does that not look like lingerie?"
- “Your lips should NOT match your eyebrows.”
There was a five-minute commercial break (I counted on the
DVR) and then Chris Harrison escorted Nikki from the beach into the
tele-forest.
JP admitted he wasn’t one hundred percent sure that he
wanted to marry Nikki, which made him one thousand percent more respectable to
the audience while disappointing Nikki one thousand percent. Then he gave her
the last rose.
After The Final Rose
Clare gave a fishy explanation that she was somehow
liberated by telling JP off when we all know she’s the kind of girl that
would rather distort someone she loved into a villain rather than feel pain or
admit wrong.
She kept saying that JP is “not the man she thought she was”
even though the only thing that really changed her mind was him choosing Nikki over
her.
Chris Harrison asked Nikki if JP had told her he loved her,
and she sort of said no and sort of avoided the question. Chris asked again and she said that he showed her that he did with
his actions, but he hadn’t said the words.
Chris asked JP about the surprise he had in store. JP said
he had no surprise. Chris asked him how he felt about Nikki. He said he felt
great about her. Chris asked him if he loved her. He said he wasn’t going to
answer that. Chris asked Nikki how long she’d give him to tell her he loved her
before she’d leave. Chris asked where they were going to live and JP said
“We’ll figure it out.” Chris kept prying but JP used the word “private” about
sixteen times. Which was weird because he had no problem displaying his love life, abdominals,
mating habits, family and daughter on national television for two and a half
months. You could fry an egg on JP’s
forehead and Nikki looked like she was about to burst into tears, but Chris kept cool as a cucumber.
JP spoke cryptically about “plans that changed drastically”
because of information he recently received from someone in Bachelor production. Then the usually
cardboard Chris morphed into a cross between Jeff Probst and Jon Stewart. He
tossed out a slew of sarcastic jokes while monologuing that it was “a rough
ride”, “awkward” and “something [he’d] like to move on from.”
Then there was a promo and interview for the next
Bachelorette: Andi.
Final Standings
Kelly & Phil: 51.5 points
Nikki: 39
The finale left me with so many questions and so few answers. What in the world happens during the four month layoff between the end of taping and "After The Final Rose"? How often do they see each other? What are the specific rules for their rendezvouses? What is the plural of rendezvous?
Congratulations to Kelly & Phil - they drafted the best team and deserved to win.
Eau Claire. What a dreadful exit. Clare's defensive reaction to JP's choice was so predictable. She will not be missed.
I think the dirty thing JP said to her on the helicopter was something about not really feeling like I totally know you, but "I love fucking you." It fits what she said in the bleeped out version. It sounds like something JP might actually say, more in a clueless sense than a malicious one. And it includes a slight language barrier issue.
I think the dirty thing JP said to her on the helicopter was something about not really feeling like I totally know you, but "I love fucking you." It fits what she said in the bleeped out version. It sounds like something JP might actually say, more in a clueless sense than a malicious one. And it includes a slight language barrier issue.
Andi was the obvious choice to be the next Bachelorette and I'm glad she said yes. Of all this year's girls, she seemed the least impressed with JP's looks. Andy will be an entertaining, discerning Bachelorette. It has been suggested and seconded that we add a (5 points?) bonus next season for picking a contestant who becomes the next Bachelor(ette).
Speaking of the next season - it starts earlier this year, on Monday May 19th. I would propose we watch the first episode, then meet sometime during the next week to
a) have dinner
b) pay Kelly & Phil
c) draft our teams for The Bachelorette
d) seed the teams accordingly and fill out brackets
e) laugh at Bag's horrible picks
Renee got married last week! It's amazing that she could go from completely single to married during the last four months while the Bachelor and the "winner" hardly seem to have conversed with each other during that time.
Ultimately I think you have to give Juan Pablo a lot of credit for sticking to his guns of honesty. It would have been so easy to crack, to say that he loved Nikki. His adherence to the truth through the Final Rose provides some credence for his earlier words and actions. Juan Pablo's "legacy" will always be tarnished, but perhaps he isn't the unmitigated asshole we thought he might be either.
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