Episode 5

Synopsis

Juan Pablo & company went to Vietnam. Renee got to go on the one-on-one date. She was really hoping they "would kiss at the end of the date." JP took Renee on a bicycle taxi ride to a dress store and she got a dress. Renee said "it doesn't feel like a first date at all", which makes sense because four cameramen were constantly with them and she did nine different interviews during the date. "I really want to kiss this man. I want to kiss Juan Pablo bad," Renee said. "I'm hoping that tonight is the night we have our first kiss." JP gave her a rose. Then Renee expressed that she wanted JP to kiss her at the end of the night. They did this thing where you put a candle in a box and put it in a river and make a wish. Renee's wish was that JP would kiss her. JP didn't kiss her.

Most of the girls went on a group date in boats that Clare monopolized. They hung back from the crew and made out on the riverbank. Then everyone went to a large community garden. Cassandra noted that America would be better if it had gardens. They ate a big meal at some guy's house. JP looked skillful with chopsticks. Surprise, surprise. JP was "liking a lot that about Clare" and then made out with her in a hot tub and then gave her the group date rose. Then she surprised him at 4 AM at his house and they made out in the ocean.

Much to Andi's dismay, Nikki went on the second one-on-one date. They rappelled into a cave. JP looked skillful rappelling. Surprise, surprise. Nikki was scared but ultimately did it, probably because she realized ABC had a couple hundred million to lose if anyone plummeted to their death while filming the show.  Chances are it was safer than driving to the interview to get on The Bachelor, and certainly safer than having unprotected sex with JP. He gave her a rose and she said she felt like she "stuck a finger in a light socket."

JP explained to Renee he didn't want to kiss her because her son might misinterpret it, but apparently he wasn't concerned about how her son would feel about him simultaneously making out with seven other girls on the show. Renee said her son wouldn't mind, so then he kissed her. JP told Clare their 4 AM makeout sesh in the South China Sea took it a little bit too far and then she started crying.

JP eliminated the three girls he obviously had no interest in (Alli, Danielle and Kelly the Dog Lover) but cried anyways.



Standings

Schwartzes: 22 points

Andi: 7

Chelsie: 7.5

Cassandra: 7.5

Schwartzes are the only team with all three contestants left, but Chelsie and Cassandra don't appear to be anything more than rose ceremony fodder. Andi spent most of this episode venting over the absurdity of the situation, which is a good thing. The girls who recognize how ridiculous it is to go on The Bachelor are the girls JP respects.

Kelly & Phil: 21.5 points

Alli: 5

Nikki: 9.5

Kat: 7

K&P are probably going to need Nikki to win it because Kat's screentime has been fading in recent weeks. She's hot and enthusiastic but JP has bigger fish to fry - like Nikki, who he's obviously into.

MoonBee: 15 points

Clare: 11

Sharleen: 6.5

Chantel: .5

Clare is racking up points, but she's no fun to root for. She's not a likable character in this story, or even an interesting one. Even worse, previews for next episode re-raised fears of a Sharleen hari-kari, which would submarine our team's total below the Dregs.

Dregs: 12.5 points
Danielle: 4.5
Kelly: 6
Lucy: 2

Too bad Kelly the Dog Lover is finally out. She was the funniest girl on the show. There aren't many girls here who could carry a season of The Bachelorette and Kelly the Dog Lover was one of them. Danielle received 4x the screentime she had in the preceding four episodes combined, which obviously meant this would be her last episode. The Dregs have nothing to be ashamed of - they finished with almost double the points of A to Z and they're still way up on the Greenbergs.

A to Z: 6.5 points
Elise: 3
Lauren: 3.5
Amy: 0

I was planning on talking about how convenient it will be to just copy and paste this team's total from week three thru the rest of the season, but I actually found it was more pleasurable to re-write each girl's total down from the board.

This week's guest insult of Bag's team comes courtesy of a text message from Big Eric Schwartz:

"Bag still has a chance to win if all the girls are forced to leave in the next 2 weeks.

But he would still finish behind the Dregs."

Greenbergs: 1.5 points

Renee: 7
Victoria: -7.5

Christy: 2

Renee is still the frontrunner. Her climactic kiss with JP was the show's most exciting non-Sharleen moment thus far. For about ten seconds there, I actually forgot to be cynical. Legitimate drama is ahead too - every girl left has strong feelings for JP and he reciprocates with most of them. There are a lot of tears left to be shed this season.