Episode 7

Synopsis

The girls went to Juan Pablo’s hometown of Miami, Florida. Somehow nobody complained about or even mentioned the jet lag of the enormous voyage from New Zealand. Sharleen got the one-on-one date card. She went on a yacht with JP. Sharleen kept on saying how incredible her “chemistry” with the “ridiculously sexy” JP was but was concerned over their “cerebral connection.” That was code for “I really, really want to have sex with JP but afterwards we’d have nothing to talk about and it would be awkward.”

She kept on saying she needed to have a serious discussion with him, but every time the conversation threatened to advance beyond “You’re so cute. No, you’re so cute!” she or JP just started kissing the other. “If she could keep her lips off him long enough to have a conversation, she might figure out if they have a mental connection,” Melissa said.

They had a nice date while the other girls speculated on how it was going. Sharleen said she was happy, which was a change of pace because she “didn’t allow herself to be happy very often.” Perhaps that was why she chose to go on The Bachelor – it’s been unclear.

Next, Nikki went to Camila’s dance recital, where she met Camila, JP’s father and Camila’s mom. Even though Nikki is younger and better-looking than Camila’s mom, there was no drama.

Then they went and had dinner on the field where the Miami Marlins play. They were the only ones in the stadium, so it was a typical night at Marlins Park. Nikki expressed some concerns about fitting into JP’s life. “She’s thinking, and I like that,” JP said. “If she’s enjoying, then I’m enjoying.”

Sharleen decided to go home to Ottawa, or Germany, or Atlas Shrugged, or wherever she lives. JP didn’t seem all that bummed out about it.

The crew went on a group date on the beach. JP decided to give Andi – AKA “The New Sharleen” according to Melissa – the rose. That rocked Clare’s world and she went back to the hotel steaming. She soon got into an argument with Nikki that featured a combined 836 utterances of the word "like". Nikki compared her to a dog that peed on JP. Meanwhile, Andi and JP went to a club and danced to some Latin guy with a high-pitched voice.  

At the cocktail party, Clare and Nikki sat fuming at each other while Chelsie forced inane conversation down their throats. JP said hasta luego to Chelsie at the rose ceremony as Clare muttered about what a huge mistake it was.

Standings

Schwartzes: 30 points

Andi: 12.5

Chelsie: 9.5

Cassandra: 8

It’s likely coming down to Andi vs Nikki for the Golden Rose (that’s what I’m calling winning the pool. We should have a trophy). K&P are insisting on a penalty for Cassandra’s exit. I guess everyone in the pool should vote whether she should receive a full -8 penalty, a partial one, or no penalty. I vote no penalty. Hopefully it won’t make a difference.

Kelly & Phil: 28.5 points

Alli: 5

Nikki: 16

Kat: 7.5

Congratulations to Kelly and Phil on their engagement last week! The excitement continues! In two weeks two different couples in this pool have become engaged, leaving the Bee and I as the only unmarried unengaged contestants left standing. We will see a lot of events over the future of The Bachelor Pool, but we'll never again see a season with two different engagements amongst our pool - not counting the actual Bachelor/Bachelorette. Speaking of which, I'm starting to think JP isn't going to end up marrying any of these ladies. He's enjoying this all a little too much. His nonreaction to Sharleen's exodus shows just how confident he is playing the game. I don't know if JP's actually ready to retire, despite what he says about Camila.

MoonBee: 22 points

Clare: 15.5

Sharleen: 6

Chantel: .5

It was fun while it lasted, Sharleen. Ultimately, the risky choice of her at #7 was neither a game-winner nor an albatross. She scored a meh 6 points, same as Kelly the Dog Lover, more than Alli, less than also-rans like Cassandra and Kat, and half a point less than A to Z's entire team. I no longer have any idea if Clare is physically attractive; the sight/sound of her now causes me to bludgeon my eyeballs with the remote control until senseless.  

Dregs: 12.5 points

Danielle: 4.5

Kelly: 6

Lucy: 2

Bag claims that his team was "drawing dead" from the outset due to their pick numbers. Here's the best-case scenario team they could have chosen: 

Nikki (16 points)

Chelsie (9.5 points)

Kat (7.5 points)

At 33 points this trinity would be leading the pool while featuring one of the remaining frontrunners. And it's not like these girls made shocking, crafty runs at JP's heart - they're all young, noticeable blondes.

A to Z: 6.5 points

Elise: 3

Lauren: 3.5

Amy: 0

I wonder if Andrea fully considered the ramifications of her engagement to Zack. The Bag loves his silly gambling pools. Two Survivor pools a year, two Bachelor pools, March Madness, World Cup, dozens of football-related gambling endeavors a year. Despite his passion and experience, nobody drafts worse fantasy-reality teams than the Bag. There's no escaping his stink. Good luck to you, A.

Greenbergs: 4.5 points

Renee: 10

Victoria: -7.5

Christy: 2

Renee seemed like the obvious choice back when JP's goals appeared to be what he stated. But playboys have no room for 32 year-old mothers, and JP seems to be infatuated with his playboy potential.