Episode 4

Synopsis

Two carloads of girls drove to a lake with the farmer. They went swimming. Ashley Kardashian and Kaitlyn the Canadian took off their top and bottom, respectively. Kelsey didn’t like it. “This is a date made for bimboes,” she said.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the farmer’s sisters stopped by for a visit with Carly, Becca, Britt, Jade, Whitney, Jillian, Jillian’s blurred butt, and some new girl Nikki who hadn’t been on the show before.

Megan raved about the camping group date, calling it “the perfect day.” The farmer said it was “freakin’ awesome.” Kelsey didn’t like it. “My face is getting skinnier cause I’m spending so much time fake-smiling,” she said. Then she called the lake “a dingy pond” and got stung by something.

Melissa and I speculated on who would give the farmer a something-job in his tent. We considered Ashley K. “But she’s a virgin,” Melissa noted. “Does she know what to do with a penis?” The farmer pitched a huge tent.

The sisters chose Jade to go on a one-on-one date and then she cried. I think she was wearing a Queens of the Stone Age t-shirt which would be “freakin’ awesome”, as the farmer would say.

The campers sat around a fire drinking whiskey and talking about how great it was. Kelsey didn’t like it. Ashley S started doing Ashley S things. She and Chris navigated a 10-foot hill with a lantern. Katelyn got the rose.

Ashley Kardashian went into the farmer’s mansion tent and told him she was a nerd who’d never had a boyfriend. “As long as he like, gets a vibe, that like, I’m a girl who doesn’t really, like, hook-up, like, that’s what I want him to know, that I’m not a hook-up girl, like, I’m wife material,” she explained. Then she made out with him.

“Are they always two hours long?” Melissa asked. “Oh my god.”

Jade got ready for her date with the help of a pink-haired lady. It was a lot of preparation. “I was trying on dress after dress, like trying to find the perfect fit,” Jade said. “Tell me about it,” bride-to-be Melissa said. “Except that bitch is already a model.”

Jade finally got ready. “That is a beautiful dress,” Melissa admitted. “I wonder if they make it in white.” A big white car came and picked her up and brought her to a gigantic flight of stairs which she gingerly descended while the farmer looked on. They chatted in front of a candle for a while. Jade glossed over her broken engagement and her modeling for Playboy.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Ashley Kardashian put on a fancy dress and ate corn on the cob and chardonnay while the other girls made fun of her.

Jade’s date went well. “Not only is Jade beautiful on the outside, but her inner beauty is what really stands out to me,” the farmer stated. “Also, she has a nice rack,” he added.

They took an arduous hike up the staircase and entered a room where a symphony was waiting for them. They danced on a small circle-platform while Cinderella and Robb Stark danced on a screen behind them. Melissa said Robb was dreamy and I showed her a picture of what he looked like in Game of Thrones and her eyes widened. When the clock struck midnight Jade picked her way back down the staircase and went back to the mansion.

There were some mysterious boxes in the back yard. The girls opened them and much to Melissa’s chagrin they were wedding dresses. Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, Becca and that new girl Nikki put them on and flew on a plane somewhere near San Francisco. They went to a big muddy field with some stuff on it. They had to complete a muddy obstacle course in their wedding dresses. I was disgusted at how much money they’d flush down the tubes ruining those dresses. “Hopefully they’re from the sales rack at David’s Bridal,” Melissa said. It turned out to be a fundraiser for MS. I wished they’d just given the ~$10k they spent on the dresses straight to the charity.

Unsurprisingly, Jillian dominated the race. “Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo, not a dress,” Carly spat. “That’s all I’m sayin’.” Jillian won so she got to go to a nice dinner with the farmer on top of a building in San Francisco. Jillian’s blurred butt didn’t get to come but Jillian’s awful personality did. She talked a lot. “I feel like I am more on the ‘take’ end of the conversation,” the farmer said. ”It’s nice to listen once in a while and not have the pressure of having to talk to someone,” he deadpanned. He told her to take a hike and she cried.

At the cocktail party Ashley I told the farmer she was a virgin. “The fact that Ashley I is a virgin is impressive,” the farmer stated. “If anything it makes me respect her more.” But Ashley I was neurotic about it and cried. “I feel like I really freaked him out,” she sobbed. Becca nonchalantly said she was a virgin too. Britt gave the farmer shit about giving Kaitlyn roses. Then the farmer went on tilt and made an overly dramatic speech about his intentions. “The reality is there is fourteen girls here,” Carly said. The farmer said goodbye to three of them at the rose ceremony – Nikki, Ashley S and Juelia, who cried.

Standings

Andie & Eric: 27.5 points
1. Jade: 6
2. Whitney: 6
3. Mackenzie: 7
4. Juelia: 7 
+1.5 last team standing bonus (tie)
A&E lost Juelia before they were expecting to, but it wasn't a bad week for the leaders. They still managed to tie Bri & Doug for the last team standing bonus; I split the 3 point bonus into 1.5 bonus points for each team. Jade had a good date and Mackenzie survived another week. A&E are the only team with three players left.

Kelly & Phil: 20 points
1. Becca: 9
2. Megan: 6
3. Trina: 2
4. Amber: 3

Zack's Virgin Theory appears to be coming to fruition. Becca is a huge favorite over Ashley I to make it to the fantasy suite. Kelly & Phil can feel comfortable with Becca leading their team. Virgin #2 also has a shot at next Bachelorette.

Bri & Doug: 19.5 points

1. Ashley I: 9

2. Samantha: 5

3. Nikki: 4
+1.5 last team standing bonus (tie)

Melissa & I couldn't remember seeing or hearing about "Samantha" once the entire episode. Finally we realized she and Nikki look basically the same and we had been thinking they were one person. I think "Samantha" is the most invisible cast member I've ever seen in reality television.

Julia & Paul: 17 points

1. Kelsey: 6

2. Tandra: 1

3. Carly: 5

4. Ashley S: 5

Nothing to see here. Kelsey might die next week or she might make it to the fantasy suite. But she's not likely to win. Carly should be out soon.

Melissa & Tom: 14 points

1. Britt: 7

2. Alissa: 1

3. Jillian: 4

4. Kimberly: 1

Britt is all that's left of this crummy team and she's no guarantee to make hometowns. Becca, Kaitlyn, Jade and Whitney are all in the mix.

Andrea & Zack: 13 points

1. Kaitlyn: 9

2. Tracy: 3

3. Jordan: 0

4. Tara: 1

Kaitlyn might be the most likable girl this season. My hunch is the farmer is going to feel more comfortable with Jade or Britt though, and he might favor Becca and Whitney for hometowns.