Synopsis
"This promises to be an incredible night," Chris Harrison stated unconvincingly. Then he foreshadowed that a virgin would wind up in the Fantasy Suite and referred to the new Bachelor Chris as "Prince Farming." Chris S. showed the cameras around Iowa, "God's Country" as he called it. "Isn't all of Earth God's Country?" Melissa inquired, then made some pesticide jokes. Then the farmer went fishing with some old guy.
"This is the best way to find love," Harrison proclaimed. "Actually, OKCupid," Melissa corrected. They showed the town of Arlington, IA and the farmer's farm. It was pretty. "They could charge like four grand for a wedding there," Melissa said. Cody from last season showed up to give the farmer some personal training. I guess the farmer wasn't ripped enough for his inevitable shirtless scenes.
Then there was an overly long interview with that blonde Bachelor and the girl that won his season. It sucked the hard-earned momentum out of the three-hour premiere. "They're just the only ones who've made it," Melissa explained. "So they're flaunted." There were some more interviews featuring past contestants like Clare and Marcus, who apparently "won" Bachelor in Paradise with some chick who looked right for him. Harrison asked about the wedding. "We're a little 80/40 on the exact date right now," the chick said. Seriously, she said that.
The interviews wore on. "I am kinda curious about Andi and What's-His-Bucket," Melissa admitted. Harrison interviewed Andie and What's-His-Bucket. Andie awkwardly rubbed What's-His-Bucket's back. Then there was an endless interview with Nikki who won Juan Pablo's season but not his heart. Melissa texted and I checked daily fantasy lineups. The farmer took a shower outdoors even though he's living in a mansion. I guess it's nice to shower outside if you live in southern California.
At long last, limos started pulling up to the mansion with the wet driveway. My notes on the arrivals:
1. Britt - prude LA waitress humongous hug then started crying
2. Whitney - fertility nurse lives in Chicago and has a hard time meeting men 'nuff said
3. Kelsey - widow, guidance counselor
4. Megan - dumb
5. Ashley I. - journalist
6. Trina - special ed teacher, 33
7. Reegan - tissue sales
8. Tara - cowgirl we think he liked but then turned out to be a drunk
9. Amber - black, teddy bear
10. Nikki - former cheerleader ***DO NOT PICK***
11. Amanda - nutso ballet dancer ***DO NOT PICK***
12. Jillian - DC news producer super jacked
13. Mackenzie - mom "Well, she's not the virgin" - Melissa
14. Ashley - awkward blonde penny seems crazy
15. Kaitlyn - took his breath away with wild joke, nutty
The farmer went back into the mansion and talked to some of the gals. Whitney asked Chris if he inseminated hogs even though he already said he didn't. The farmer talked to the girls for three hours before Harrison told him he needed to go back to the wet driveway because more lady-limos were showing up. More arrival notes:
16. Samantha - fashion designer seems alright
17. Michelle - wedding cake decorator seems alright
18. Juelia -
19. Becca - very pretty
20. Tandra - motorbike has some personality
21. Alissa - flight attendant, sort of cute sort of annoying
22. Jordan - Windsor CO, whiskey
23. Nicole - pig nose redhead
24. Brittany - WWE diva ***DO NOT PICK***
25. Carly - cruise ship singer, meh
Yet another limo pulled up as the overwhelmed farmer struggled to stay standing.
26. Tracy - 4th grade teacher seemed pretty cute
27. Bo - plus-size model
28. Kimberly - yoga instructor
29. Kara - soccer coach Kentucky
30. Jade - ***GOOD PICK***
Chris S made a boring and uncomfortable speech to the ladies while I missed Juan Pablo. Weird Ashley thought there was an onion growing on a tree. My Master Gardener fiancee noted that onions don't grow on trees. Carly said it was illegal to be an ice cream man in Iowa. Kaitlyn performed a dance routine for him and he was somehow impressed. Then he said he wished he was a polygamist. Tracy the teacher explained what "cat ladies" were. Weird Ashley continued to obsess over onions. Mackenzie didn't know what alfalfa was. Tara got wasted. Chris S gave Britt the first impression rose and then they made out. Already.
The rose ceremony was hard to follow cause there were so many girls. Chris had to get rid of a bunch of em and it took forever. In fact, it was light out at the mansion by the time he finished, which explained why Tara tottered back and forth, almost vomited and rubbed herself. Farmer took a moment to talk to Harrison to make sure if he wanted to keep her around. He did.
I was surprised he offed Bo cause I thought he wanted kids who could work a farm and play football for the Iowa Hawkeyes. Plus Bo was pretty. I was also surprised he offed the pig-nose redhead. Guess he doesn't care for gingers. I was also surprised he got rid of yoga instructor Kimberly because there was nothing glaringly wrong with her. Kimberly seemed to feel the same way because she insisted on going back into the mansion.
There was a huge trailer for the rest of the season. SPOILERS: The farmer gets a handjob or a something-job in a tent. Kelsey almost dies. A lot of people cry. "I would rather chew glass and wash it down with a bag of hair than lose to her," someone hisses at some point. That's the same way I'd feel about losing to Phil's team.
The Draft
We decided we needed to make some points changes because with six teams competing it shouldn't be as top-heavy. Also, we don't want it to come solely down to picking the winner. So here is the new point-scoring system, with new and adjusted rules in bold:
1 POINT
-Going on a group date (was .5 points)
-Receiving a rose-Crying on camera (maximum 1 cry per outfit worn)
2 POINTS
-Sneaking extra time with the Bachelor outside of standard date parameters
-Going on a 1-on-1 date
-Explicitly "winning" a group date
-Saying "I love you" or "I'm falling in love with you" directly to The Bachelor
-Accepting a marriage proposal from The Bachelor
-Season-specific bonus (riding in a tractor)
-Declaring virginity
3 POINTS
-Defeating another contestant in a 2-on-1 date
-Being the first to kiss The Bachelor on the lips (already achieved this season)
-Being the last team with all remaining contestants
-Going on a Hometown date (was 4 points)
-Being invited to the Fantasy Suite (was 4 points)
-Finishing in 2nd place (was 4 points)
-Exiting the show prematurely on one's own accord
4 POINTS
-Becoming the next Bachelor(ette)
5 POINTS
-Finishing as the final contestant (was 8 points)
-1 POINT
-Losing a 2-on-1 date
-3 POINTS
-Failing to get a rose during a 1-on-1 date
-Leaving the show
-Exiting the show prematurely and involuntarily
AUTOMATIC WIN
-Rejecting a marriage proposal from The Bachelor after the final rose ceremony
The Teams
Bri & Doug
1. Ashley I.
2. Samantha
3. Nikki
Julia & Paul
1. Kelsey
2. Tandra
3. Carly
4. Ashley S.
Melissa & Tom
1. Britt
2. Alissa
3. Jillian
4. Kimberly
Kelly & Phil
1. Becca
2. Megan
3. Trina
4. Amber
Andrea & Zack
1. Kaitlyn
2. Tracy
3. Jordan
4. Tara
Andie & Eric
1. Jade
2. Whitney
3. Mackenzie
4. Juelia
Moon, The 80/40 comment from Marcus' girl at the beginning I think (and hope) was a joke. She did actually say something was 80/40 on the Bachelor in Paradise show during one of her interviews. I'm sure she has been ribbed for that since it aired. Her delivery of said joke on the premiere was atrocious and fell so flat that it was more believable that she made the same mistake again, so your interpretation of it was spot on.
ReplyDelete"Game on" to all others. There is a reason our team is at the top of the list and it's not just because we picked first.
1. Who approved these rule changes? Where'd this virgin point bonus come from? And the automatic win? This was not approved by the New Jersey Gaming Commission.
ReplyDelete2. My comment after episode #1 of last season: "There is a 0% chance Chris wins, but he could score a lot of points. He could wind up as the next Bachelor."
3. I’ll give $2 to the first person who identifies the girl in the end of the episode 1 season preview riding on the motorcycle riding with Chris? I'm horrible at face recognition so my wife had to help me re-watch the previews.
4. Ashley I is hot, but a NY girl is not going to win a marriage proposal from an Iowa farmer.
5. Kelsey doesn't quite have enough to make it through. She will sputter and fall near the end.
6. Britt has some kind of secret baggage that will get in the way. If you're a waitress in Hollywood probably not pure (I really miss LA). And, a Hollywood waitress has never married an Iowa farmer.
7. I thought Becca was in many of the previews, but I finally concluded it wasn't her. She's a dud.
8. There's a lot to like about Kaitlyn, and there's also a lot not to like. She's not winning anything other than least likable from the other women.
9. Thanks, all of you, for letting Jade fall to the #6 spot!
10. They said Chris owned (or farmed?) 6000 acres. WIth a value of $7,000/acre, that’s $42 million, excluding any debt.
We spent a while trying to identify the motorcycle girl, but ultimately could not. Any blonde woman was also impossible to identify in the previews. I agree with point #4 and #6 from BES's post. Team Bri/Doug is drawing dead. I almost want to share Tara with them just to give them at least SOME reason to watch.
ReplyDeleteThe reason your team is at the top of the list, Doug, is that you picked first.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteGet ready to chew glass and I will provide the hair with which you can wash it down!
ReplyDelete