Synopsis
Kimberly came back into the mansion and the farmer didn't know what to do. "This is your LIFE. There's no rules to THAT," Chris Harrison said. The farmer let her stay. The two Chrises met and chatted briefly on an outdoor couch. Then the farmer went inside to rub his chin and look at his body in a mirror. Then he took his outdoor shower. There was no shot of Tara emptying an aspirin bottle, but we know that happened because she didn't seem that hungover.
The farmer took six girls on a group date. The invitation referenced the country. "I'm more Kardashian than I am Country," Ashley I stated. "I have never been on a date with five other girls," Jade announced. They raced tractors in their bikinis. They were all really slow. Ashley I won but didn’t win the individual date. It was a bigger upset than Buckeyes over Ducks as Mackenzie got it.
She and the farmer went to a bar and Mackenzie obsessed over his nose, then asked if he believed in aliens. She was nervous to tell the farmer about her 1-year-old named Kale. Our friend Mike was over, having skied Keystone with Melissa earlier in the day. He speculated that maybe Mackenzie was nervous because an alien gave her the baby. The farmer gave Mackenzie a rose and they hugged, danced, and kissed. Mackenzie kissed and told later to the other girls.
Back at the house Jillian and Megan broke into the farmer’s mansion and wore his motorcycle helmet. Jillian’s butt and groin were blurred out. “Does she have pubes showing?” Mike asked.
Megan thought she got a love note from the farmer but it was a date card. She must not have ever watched the show. “I wish everyone could feel my insides,” she said. “Chris might get to feel her insides,” Mike speculated.
Megan and Chris took a ride to an airport. She clutched the farmer’s hand close to her bosom. above her stomach where the colorful smiling butterflies live. They got in a helicopter and flew to the Grand Canyon. Megan said it was the most amazing day of her life. I actually got to fly in a helicopter to the Grand Canyon one time. It was cool, but wasn't amongst the hundred most amazing days of my life. Megan told the farmer a sad story about her dad dying and then they kissed and then he gave her a rose and then they kissed more. Megan said she’d never had a feeling like this in her entire life.
"My heart literally pumps every time I see one of those white envelopes," Amber proclaimed. "Hopefully it pumps more than that," Melissa said. The farmer took a whole bunch of girls on a group date. The girls took a limo to a fake zombie stronghold. It was supposed to be scary. "This is LITERALLY my worst fear,” Amber said. Then she started chugging hard liquor.
Ashley S thought you shot people on your own team, not the zombies. “Please send her home,” Melissa begged. “STAT.” Ashley acted weird and shot the “dead” zombies point blank and made strange Mesa Verde comments.
Back at the house, Jordan got sloshed, did handstands and made fun of Jillian’s hairy ass.
The farmer kissed Kaitlyn after a brief chat. He’s going after Juan Pablo’s record. Ashley S did more Ashley S things while Mike cackled. The farmer said he needed more time to figure her out.
The farmer gave Britt a “gift card” of a free kiss. Mike joked that he should have gifted a free boob-touch or a free blowjob. Despite a big wet makeout the farmer gave the rose to Kaitlyn.
At the cocktail party Whitney gave Chris some booze, Ashley I declared her virginity, Jordan got wasted again and Britt cried.
Ashley I gave Chris three wishes. He wished to kiss her. Surprise, surprise. They sucked face for a while. The farmer also made out with Amber.
At the rose ceremony, the farmer tried to give Juelia a rose but Jillian thought he said her name and started walking up. Right as he corrected her she slipped on a rug and fell and then she cackled uproariously. The farmer peaced Tandra, Alissa, Kimberly, Jordan and Tara while shockingly staying Ashley’s execution. Mike speculated that maybe Ashley S is the farmer’s sister, planted to see how the girls treat a crazy person. “Maybe he’s just waiting till the proper security measures are in place before he makes that decision,” Melissa hypothesized.
“That will haunt me for the rest of my life,” Tara sobbed. “That will HAUNT me.”
Standings
Kelly & Phil: 9 points
1. Becca: 2
2. Megan: 3
3. Trina: 2
4. Amber: 2
This team will likely battle for the "last whole team standing" bonus and not much more. None of these girls appear to be contenders for the final rose. Becca hasn't distinguished herself, Megan's makeup makes her look like the Tin Man, Trina is old and Amber is black. It's obvious from the cross-section of contestants that Chris is looking for a little white girl to take back to the farm.
Andie & Eric: 9 points
1. Jade: 2
2. Whitney: 1
3. Mackenzie: 3
4. Juelia: 3
Big Eric Schwartz has finally assembled a competitive roster. Mackenzie should hang around for a bit, Whitney is poised for a 1-on-1, Juelia's become intriguing and Jade is still a contender. A&E will hope to build a lead and stave off the pack.
Melissa & Tom: 7 points
1. Britt: 3
2.
3. Jillian: 2
4.
I gave Britt, Juelia and Tara points for crying this episode. I'm not certain Juelia shed tears and there may have been others who did. If you believe I have it wrong, post a comment.
Andrea & Zack: 7 points
1. Kaitlyn: 3
2. Tracy: 2
3.
4.
Disappointing ep for A to Z. Tracy did nothing of note and the two drunks were sent packing. Kaitlyn might have the chops to keep the defending champs in the mix, but it's not looking promising.
Bri & Doug: 6 points
1. Ashley I: 4
2. Samantha: 1
3. Nikki: 1
It was looking bleak for Bri & Doug heading into the rose ceremony, as Samantha and Nikki hadn't sewn up roses. They survived and should earn some more points to support Ashley I, the warhorse virgin mascot of the squad.
Julia & Paul: 6 points
1. Kelsey: 2
2.
3. Carly: 1
4. Ashley S: 2
If I was Julia & Paul, I would have preferred if Chris let go of Ashley S at the rose ceremony. We know she doesn't have long-term potential, but she could easily cost J&P three points in the next ep.
I guess Ashley I. is making the final four because I recall them saying something about a virgin in the fantasy suite.
ReplyDeleteDidn’t they mention one of the girls previously worked in the porn industry? If so, who? Brit?
I’d list Brit, Ashley I, and Kaitlyn as the leading contenders to make the final 4, but this is not easy to predict.
Apparently Bri & Doug, two people I’ve never met, used a filter to choose their team. Filter settings: long black hair, potentially a model, from NY or LA.
MAJOR FILTER FLAW: those two places just happen to be the two farthest points in the entire US from an Iowa cornfield.
Speaking of the map, there’s a dearth of women from the Midwest, and those women are prime candidates for living in Iowa.
I like the strength of my team four deep. When I first saw MacKenzie I thought there was no way she would get anywhere, but Chris seemed to like her from the start. I’d still be surprised if she made top 10. Juelia had the shortest out-of-the-limo airtime ever, but Chris showed a glimmer of interest and she was best available when I picked. Jade made no impression in this episode. Whitney gets a lot of air-time but I’m not sure how much interest Chris has.
How can Moon claim that I finally have a strong team? In our first draft I fielded a contending team. In draft #2 I had the worst draft slots and, other than my Craig debacle, got near max points from the options available with each draft choice.
I had Tracy, the FL teacher, as a sleeper, but she got no airtime.
In a post-game interview Chris Harrison referred to Megan a rising star in his post-show comments. I’m surprised, because I see limited upside. Tin Man is applicable.
Chris has turned out to be an excellent Bachelor.
Ashley S got a rose due to a Director’s exemption. There are no rules when it comes to entertainment. In future Bachelor/Bachelorette contracts the Director’s Exemption will be renamed the Mesa Verde Claus. My fake sources have confirmed this.
Andi & Josh broke up. As I predicted in previous comments, there was no way they were getting married. Their reasons for splitting, according to rumors I made up:
-Josh was more in love with his brother and his football career than he was with Andi
-with all the good things Chris Harrison continues to say about Juan Pablo, Andi decided that maybe he was okay and worth giving another chance
I’m upping my bounty to $3 for naming the girl on the motorcycle. It looks like no one on the show, but Brit is my best guess, even though my wife, the other Andie, strongly disagrees.
I had Tandra as a sleeper. Despite the fact she got no camera time on episode 1, I was surprised to see her go. I thought Alissa would sneak into the top 6-10. Jordan was never going anywhere but back to CO ASAP, drunk, on a plane.
Who decided to give points for crying on camera? Given the amount of crying, and the propensity of Brit to cry, this will significantly skew the results. Can we convene the rules committee and reconsider this? The contestant from New Jersey was not provided with these rules until after the draft. Unless it’s changed, I will forever refer to this season as FarmerGate. Or maybe TractorGate. I haven’t decided yet.
Also: Please do at least one episode with Paul's commentary. I miss that.
ReplyDeleteDid anyone else find it rather demeaning to make the women walk in bikinis through downtown LA just to then ride tractors in their bikinis? I'm not complaining but what guy does that? Good luck to the virgin, Ashley I and Britt are going far but the rest are a toss up. I like our chances to rack up points early and fade late.
ReplyDeleteWhy did they have to be drunks!!
ReplyDeleteI do want to bring up one point that I was talking with Zack about. Many people in the pool have commenting on how certain women on the show will never move to Iowa with farmer boy, or that Chris won't select them, because of where they live and/or what they do and that their chances of winning / gathering points are lower because of that.
ReplyDeleteI would like to throw this commentary out there: NONE OF THESE WOMEN ACTUALLY WANT TO MOVE TO IOWA AND LIVE ON A FARM. They did try out for a reality TV dating show with potential travel to some of the most luxurious locales around the world and the potential for D-Level stardom. Pretending that they are interested in farm life in middle America is a cost of doing business.
I don't personally think that any of these women will actually move to Iowa and be a farm wife. Does that mean that Chris' search for true love is doomed to fail? Most likely. But there are other scenarios. Maybe one of them will actually fall in love with Chris and he will fall in love with her, and they might spend a little time out on the farm, but ultimately have a house in LA for all the other TV shows/appearances they are contractually committed to after the Bachelor. Maybe they will break up after the show. Maybe Chris will love her so much that he will move to where she lives, hire a farm manager back in Iowa, and be in charge of things from afar. He has money right? Are multiple living locations out of the question?
To summarize: Factoring in the chances of a contestant to adopt the lifestyle of the Bachelor or Bachelorette after the show is over into your winning recipe seems like a very small percentage play and I think past seasons of the shows will support that. Sean and what's her face claim to live the simple life in Dallas, but how many days were spent in LA while he was on that dancing show? How many other contestants move to LA to pursue other opportunities after the show. I think these girls will tell Chris and the cameras something they think will get them to the end. What happens after that doesn't matter.
Just my 2 cents.
PS - Calculating the crying points would give me a headache by the end of this. I do not envy that task.
Doug is a wise veteran of reality TV pools. Intelligent thoughts sir.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteNever thought I'd have to censor a comment on the Bachelor Blog!
ReplyDelete