Episode 2

Synopsis

Andi got ready for her first first date. “She’s already wearing makeup and she’s putting on makeup,” Melissa said.

Andi came over to the mansion. Half the dudes forgot to put on shirts. Eric the Dead Explorer went on a date with Andi. They drove to the beach.

“What is this place called?” Eric asked. “This place is called the beach,” Andi said.

Then they got into a helicopter and I said Andi wasn’t that into him. Melissa said “they’re having a nice time.” I said of course they were, they were in a freaking helicopter on their way from the beach to the top of a mountain. They went snowboarding. It was Andi’s second time ever, but Eric was good. 

Andi kept talking about how good Eric was at everything and how hot he was, but something seemed to be missing. They mostly talked about what an amazing date they were having, but then Eric told a dramatic story about his trip to Syria. Then he worried about Andi giving him the date rose. I said “Shut up dude, you’ve never failed at anything in your life.” 

“Except base jumping,” Melissa said. 

Andi gave him the rose. Then they ate marshmallows by the fire – but they hadn’t touched their dinners yet. “Their mothers would be very disappointed,” Melissa said.

There was a humongous group date where the dudes stripped. Nick S. dressed as a robot and Craig kept saying goofy things. Kelly and Sharleen from last season showed up, even though Sharleen supposedly lives in Canada, or Germany, or Utopia.

Brian tricked Andi into thinking he was a teacher even though he’s like an assistant high school basketball coach.

Craig got drunk and acted goofy. “There’s always one guy who gets shitfaced…” Bag had said last week. He was one week off. Ron the "Beverage Sales Manager" was quick to diagnose the problem. “One too many drinks,” Ron said. He would know.

Marcus began a lucrative season of point-production by winning the group date rose.

Andi said she didn’t know much about Chris other than he was a farmer and he was from Iowa. So she really only knew one thing about him. They went to a horse track and rooted for a horse named “9.” Then an old couple that was obviously planted by the producers told them romantic history and advice. “I’m here with the most amazing woman on this planet,” Chris said. 

“I want to know his sample size,” Melissa said.

They talked for a while and then a dude with the beard of a Viking and the voice of a 9-year-old girl sang for them. Chris kissed Andi on the lips while dancing so Bri & Doug got three points.

“Bri & Doug: sitting pretty,” Melissa said. 

“They’re not sitting pretty, their team is horrible,” I said.

For the rose ceremony, Andi came in wearing a low-cut dress and there was a creepy shot of Josh M.  zeroing in on her chest like the fastballs he used to (not well enough) swing at. Shortly afterwards he kissed her. Craig played guitar and sang her a goofy apologetic song.

Then the Pacers lost to the Heat.

Melissa made fun of Ron for saying “sure” when Andi asked him if he would accept her rose. “Maybe he prefers daisies,” she said.

Obviously Craig went home, but surprisingly, so did Nick S. and Carl. 

Standings

Bri & Doug: 9 points

Chris: 6

Patrick: 1.5

Ron: 1.5

Enjoy the lead while it lasts, DouBri. It won't for long. Andi isn't moving to Iowa, Patrick is a douche and Ron is in beverage sales.

Andrea & Zack: 6 points

Josh M: 1.5

Eric: 3

Marquel: 1.5

I can't stop thinking about Josh M's younger brother, Aaron, whenever I see him, because I recently saw Gruden's QB Camp with Aaron. I might be the only person in the world who watches every episode of Gruden's QB Camp and The Bachelorette.

Kelly & Phil: 5 points

Marcus: 2.5

Brian: 1.5

Andrew: 1

If we drafted again today, Marcus would still be the first man off the board. This is the Andrew Luck of Bachelorette prospects.

Dregs: 5 points

Bradley: 1.5

Brett: 1.5

Carl: .5

Cody: 1.5

The firefighter was incapable of stringing two complete sentences together, but he has to be asking himself why he was sent home before Lamp Guy, MeatHead and Opera Guy.

Andie & Eric: 3.5 points

Dylan: 1.5

Tasos: 1.5

Craig: .5

Props to Eric for calling his own team out on his comment to the last blog. Awful team.

Melissa & Tom: 2.5 points

Nick V: 1

Nick S: .5

JJ: 1

Ugly episode for the MoonBee. Nick S. was forced to be a robot stripper and never really got a fair shake. Worse, it looked like JJ might be the "guy with girlfriend" alluded to in next week's two-parter. V is going places, but this team is drawing dead if JJ racks a Negative Eight.