Episode Four

Synopsis

Melissa ran the dishwasher the night before we left Las Vegas and we discussed whether it would still be filled with clean dishes when I returned a week later, or if my three housemates would unload it by then. We both ended up betting the clean dishes would still be in there. When Bailey and I got back to the house after an 11-hour drive through northern New Mexico and Arizona, we found a stack of dirty dishes in the sink, the dishwasher full of the clean dishes Melissa had loaded, counters covered in soda cans and Starburst wrappers, and a toilet with a turd floating in it. I took Bailey out, turned on the Bachelorette, paused it, went to Zupas, came back and played the episode.

“My name is in your mouth!” Eric exclaimed to Lee. “That’s what makes me mad!" He continued to yell while I sipped on mushroom bisque. “You do you. I’m’a do me,” he said shortly after, pulling an entry straight out of the Corinne dictionary. Lee broke in on Kenny’s conversation with Rachel, rankling Kenny. Dean complained about Lee, calling him “a bitch” to the cameras. Brady struggled with the word “quirks”, confusing them with the subatomic particles “quarks.” Matt the Penguin made a rare appearance, bursting “whoaaaa!” when Kenny told him Lee had gotten double time with Rachel. Bryan made some nice moves but dropped a “one thousand percent” which is a pet peeve of mine cause nothing can be more than one hundred percent. Then he did his signature aggressive, wild kiss. Meanwhile, in Boulder, Melissa, Andrea and Zack discussed whether Bryce looked more like a chipmunk or a beaver. Kenny confronted Lee about taking his time and Rachel noticed while talking to a contestant I didn’t recognize. Lee called Kenny “Jesus.” Lee predictably got the last rose, while Diggy, Brady and Bryce were sent packing.

They went to Hilton Head. Dean and Rachel drove a jeep to Bluffton, which would be a great location for a PokerStars screenname. They drank champagne on the hood of the jeep while a blimp approached. During the commercial break I transferred trash from this recycle bin which Melissa had clearly labeled to the garbage can. 

Dean expressed fear about riding in the blimp. Rachel and Dean piloted the blimp with a joystick before making out. Then they trolled the guys, flying by their hotel while the blimp flashed a sign that said “Rachel & Dean 4 Eva.” At night they drank intriguing-looking cocktails at what may have been a plantation. Dean said religion and snowboarding was the foundation of his upbringing until his mother died of breast cancer. He smiled and cried. Andrea compared him to Nick for smiling inappropriately. Rachel held off on the tears because she didn’t want him to cry more, but shed a couple to the cameras. Then they went to a concert by someone named Russell Dickerson. Zack predicted a second-place finish for Dean. Andrea pulled up a picture of a young Indiana Jones to prove Dean looked like him, then divulged she used to kiss her pillow and pretend it was Indiana Jones, but wouldn't disclose how long ago this practice took place.

Rachel and a huge group of guys got on boat called The Vagabond and drank cocktails with giant plastic straws, surely tilting Andrea. They danced and did the limbo while Rachel wore a captain’s hat, reminding me of the Booze Cruise episode from The Office which I ranked as the 7th best in the show’s history. Josiah did twenty pushups with Rachel on his back. Kenny and Peter rapped. Then they held a Spelling Bee. Kenny missed “champagne” even though he later showed he knew it. Iggy died on “boudoir”. Eric was way off on “façade”. Peter missed “coitus”. They didn’t show some of the other bustouts. Josiah made a good "use it in a sentence" move with "stunning". Anthony missed “boutonniere” which I missed too and missed again typing up the blog. Will went out in second place on “physiological.” Josiah won it on “polyamorous” and then got polyamorous with the trophy he won. Later he drank his cocktail out of it.

Rachel and Peter talked about whether they would move from their homes. The Boulder crew noted that Peter not-so-subtly said Texas sucks and he would never in a million years live there.  Rachel revealed she was licensed to practice in Wisconsin and would move there. Eric had a successful conversation. Iggy, whose upper body had quickly recovered from last week’s bus-chucking, tossed Josiah under the bus. Once again, he immediately told the victim about his efforts. Once again, the victim was not pleased: Josiah told the cameras Iggy “does drugs and shoots steroids into his nuts.” 

Rachel confronted Lee about his shenanigans at the cocktail party. Lee called Kenny a “butthole” and a “220 pound *%$# ballerina” to the cameras. Kenny freestyled some more for Rachel before she asked him about Lee. He said a lot of stuff while I was distracted by Matt Viox (not SamENole Matt and not Matt from last episode’s blog, Matt who is PiMaster's brother) telling me he won $115k in fantasy baseball but I did manage to catch Kenny calling Lee "an alternative facts piece of garbage” and “a reptilian piece of garbage.” Then Adam (not Adam from the show, Adam the poker-playing housemate) came home and instantly launched into a bad beat story. The twist was the bad beat story was about a big dinner he just had with a bunch of his parents’ friends, not the $20k he lost playing poker earlier in the day. Kenny confronted Lee as some intense music crescendoed. “There’s a fight that’s gonna happen. Blood’s gonna be shed,” Alex said as the “TO BE CONTINUED” flashed across the screen. 

Standings

Julia & Paul - 17

1. Dean - 9

2. Anthony - 5

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1

Dean busted out a five-point episode on the strength of a group date and impressive one-on-one complete with crying. He's the most obvious Next Bachelor since I’ve been watching the show. The age gap may catch up to him in the final episodes, but that won’t be a problem when he’s doing the picking next season.

Andie & Eric - 16

1. Bryan - 4

2. Alex - 6

3. Adam - 5

4. Blake - 1

Alex and Adam have both somehow outscored Bryan to this point, which could be crucial down the stretch since Bryan has fallen five points behind Dean.

Melissa & Tom - 15

1. Peter - 6

2. Josiah - 5

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

Though we grabbed the last team standing bonus (a ruling which could change if anyone ever commented on this blog), we've since dropped below our competitors in players left. Josiah will have to outlast the Alexes, Adams and Anthonys of the world for us to have a shot.

Kelly & Phil - 14

1. Jack - 4

2. Matt - 4

3. Lee - 5

4. Blake - 1

Jack Stone continues to underwhelm, Matt isn't doing anything and Rachel hasn't shown much patience for villains. However, Stone has a one-on-one pending and could potentially pull a Whitney and make a late-season charge.

Andrea & Zack - 10

1. Eric - 6

2. Will - 5

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2

Andrea is apparently rooting for our team now. Welcome aboard the bandwagon!

Bri & Doug - 9

1. Kenny - 5

2. Iggy - 4

3. Diggy - 2

4. DeMario - -2

Kenny, Iggy and Diggy have a better shot of turning up in a nursery rhyme parody than Fantasy Suites. The good news for B&D is Bachelor in Paradise is set to resume filming after producers were exonerated in the Corinne/DeMario scandal.