Episode One & The Draft

Synopsis

Melissa, Bailey, the “GOAT” pizza (the Upper East Side from Manhattan Pizza Pub in Burlington Vermont – a white sauce pizza with breaded eggplant, ricotta cheese, red onion and spinach), a Stone Corral Black Beer, a Smuggler’s Notch Maple bourbon & ginger and I sat down on the couch for the eagerly anticipated season premiere of The Bachelor featuring my personal favorite “character” Nick V in the titular role.

There was the obligatory opener featuring Nick V, Nick V’s abs, and Nick V’s glutes. They showed him get obliterated by Andi, then Kaitlin. He said he was excited to have the shoe on the other foot, though it was “arguably likely” he would get his heart broken again. Repeat heartbreak was an ominous theme throughout the first episode and the teaser trailer at the end. He looked at old photos of himself with his family, including a bleach-blonde high school look they said made him look like a vampire. Coincidentally, his little sister was named Bella.

Next up came the obligatory session with previous Bachelors Blonde Guy, Farmer, and Ben. Blonde Guy (I think his name is Sean) has been on every season since we started watching, I think. It was unclear why the Farmer was there since he quit on his relationship with Whitney without ever giving it a fair shake. Perhaps it was for his taste in plaid shirts. “Wait, Ben wound up with who?” Melissa asked. It took me a second. “That blonde girl from Portland?” I suggested. “Oh yeah – she was kind of stupid,” Melissa said. Melissa thought it would be funny if one of the guys who “beat him” was there giving advice.

Then came the vignettes on some of the more prominent contestants. They did them on a lawyer/vacuumer, a beach bunny, a multilingual special needs teacher, a nursing student, an Arkansan, a Miami businesswoman, a weirdo from New Jersey, a nurse, a mental health pro, and a “doula” who knew Nick from Jade & Tanner’s wedding.

During the commercial break I ate more pizza and texted with Toph, who said he was watching The Bachelor along with the Rose Bowl.  Even though Toph probably had mid-five figures on the game, he was more focused and fired up for The Bachelor. Toph and I lamented the Rose Bowl being on Jan. 2nd instead of 1st and agreed it didn’t feel right.

Danielle the beach bunny came out of the limo on the wet driveway first. “She forgot the middle part of her dress,” Melissa said. She reminded me of Kobe Bryant’s wife. Then there was Elizabeth, a marketing manager from Dallas. The attorney came next and made a strong move with a fantasy (sports, not suite) reference. Then came a huge-mouthed woman in a yellow dress, the mental health counselor who awkwardly told him her friends thought he was a “complete piece of sh__”, a dental hygienist with a mysterious accent, a model, someone named Hussy who made fun of their last names, a food truck operator, Ida Marie, an Alaskan, Sarah who ran up and made a “runner-up” joke I liked, a pro basketball dancer who brought Neill the ring guy, a Canadian who made an underwear joke I also liked, a sexual German, and the “doula” who already had sex with Nick. It was unclear if Nick remembered her or not. He skillfully used language that made it seem like he thought he remembered her without committing.

USC scored a TD to cut the gap in half on Penn St. Nick V told Harrison he thought he remembered the doula. Then another limo pulled up and out came Corinne who gave him a “hug token”, the French-speaking special ed teacher, Danielle who gave Nick maple syrup just like we gave everyone for Xmas, the Arkansan, a chef with a nose ring, someone with a stethoscope, an account manager, a nurse with a hot dog, a (different) travel nurse just like Melissa, a flight attendant, a pilates instructor, someone on a camel, the “aspiring dolphin trainer” who reminded me of the aspiring dolphin trainer from Survivor and Jonathan Jaffe the aspiring dolphin trainer/professional poker player, and Emma Stone. Actually Emma Stone was in a commercial for a movie with Ryan Gosling. I got confused because it was right after the limo sequence and Ryan Gosling was on the show recently. 

The big surprise wasn’t how many contestants were wearing red dresses, it wasn’t how many were nurses, it was how many were black. Kevin Love went to the locker room and I yelled the F word. Corinne gave Nick a bag of tokens. Then she got overaggressive and kissed him.

ABC ran a crapload of commercials. USC tied it 49-49 with a minute left. Nikola Vucevic double-doubled in the third quarter. Corinne further established herself as the Villain. The aspiring dolphin trainer was wearing a shark costume but kept insisting it was a dolphin.

Somehow USC had the ball back in field goal range with 5 seconds left. They made the field goal to win it 52-49. Pac-12! Rachel, an early Melissa favorite, got the First Impression Rose – much to Corinne’s chagrin. No rhyme intended. Rachel also got a kiss. Nick said “you guys” to the group of girls which is a term I often consider in school with groups of girls and usually avoid in favor of “ladies.” The travel nurse started freaking out cause so many of them were wearing red dresses and she wanted to be noticed. “That’s totally the reason you’re not getting a rose – cause of your red dress, not cause of your shitty personality,” Melissa said.

At the rose ceremony, Nick saved the last rose for the doula he already banged. We had a discussion about Nick and her having sex at the wedding and the aftermath. I found the idea of having sex with someone and then not recognizing them later preposterous, even for a supposed-player like Nick, even if the sex was super drunk. “He obviously has sex at every wedding,” I said. “So do you, now,” Melissa said. In any case, it was clear Nick did recognize and remember her. He got rid of the Alaskan, one or two nurses, one or two black women, and one or two I had never seen before. “I would have kept the Alaskan,” I said. “That’s because you want to spend summers there,” Melissa said. The most exciting events of the epic season trailer were Nick getting slapped in the face by one of the ladies and Corinne saying “my heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum.”

The Draft

1. Andie & Eric - Danielle M
2. Andrea & Zack - Vanessa
3. Melissa & Tom - Rachel
4. Bri & Doug - Danielle L
5. Kelly & Phil - Corinne
6. Julia & Paul - Raven
7. Julia & Paul - Jasmine
8. Kelly & Phil - Christen
9. Bri & Doug - Sarah
10. Melissa & Tom - Taylor
11. Andrea & Zack - Lacey
12. Andie & Eric - Alexis
13. Andrea & Zack - Elizabeth
14. Bri & Doug - Kristina
15. Julia & Paul - Whitney
16. Kelly & Phil - Hailey
17. Melissa & Tom - Liz
18. Andie & Eric - Brittany

Eric proposed an added 4th round in which we could independently draft any of the remaining players if we chose, with a -1 point penalty for anyone we chose who didn't receive a rose at the first ceremony. We accepted.

4th Round:
Andie & Eric - Astrid
Bri & Doug - Astrid
Kelly & Phil - Astrid
Julia & Paul - Jaimi
Melissa & Tom - Josephine
Andrea & Zack - Nobody

This left Dominique as the only contestant not drafted, the One True Dreg. 

I am not going to power rank the teams or analyze in depth as I don't have much of a feel for this season yet. I thought the first four picks were reasonable and straightforward and Corinne at #5 was overly aggressive, but the alternatives at that point were not enticing. I was surprised Liz fell to #17 though I 'd be more surprised if she went deep (yeah, I know, she already did, ba-dum-cha.) I'm looking forward to the season.