Episode Six

Synopsis

Big Eric Schwartz, Bailey, a Blaze flash-fired pizza with about twelve different vegetables on it, a decent citrus pale ale and I congregated in a rental home in Henderson, Nevada to watch the sixth episode of the 2016 season of The Bachelorette. Meanwhile, Melissa, Bri, Doug, their own Blaze (a dog, not a pizza) and Turbo (a dog, not a poker tournament) congregated in Erie, Colorado to do the same. Melissa later emailed me their observations.

Eric quickly admitted he wouldn’t mind if the “douchebag Marine” was eliminated that night, even though he was the last player on his team. JoJo and her suitors went to Buenos Aires. Bri questioned her style. "What is it with these girls wearing their coats over their shoulders and not putting their arms through?" she inquired. 

JoJo said it was gonna be a “huge week.” Chris Harrison showed up for a bit. Someone said “two-on-ones are no más, no good.” He must have missed Spanish 1a, where one of the first things you learn is “más” means “more” and "bueno" means "good". Melissa expressed pride over her ability to realize this, and gratitude to Bri & Doug for getting married in Mexico.

Wells got to go on the one-on-one date. "Come on dude, don't screw up!" Doug encouraged. JoJo and Wells went to a big room in Buenos Aires where some humans did a weird demonstration with water. Then they sort of swam. There was a lot of buildup about Wells having never kissed JoJo and looking to change that. Bri grew frustrated by it. "Just do it!" she exclaimed. "I just want them to stop talking about it!" JoJo and Wells finally did while they were doing the sort-of swimming. It was kind of a disappointment after all the buildup.

JoJo asked Wells about his ex and he started sweating. "Not attaching the coat to your body via your arms is something I cannot handle," Bri noted. Bailey switched couches for the third time. Meanwhile, Blaze barked when the other guys started talking about Wells's chances of not coming back. JoJo did in fact get rid of Wells instead of preserving him with the date rose. He didn't seem very disappointed. A dude dressed in black came to the hotel to pick up his stuff. There was a weird shot of a sad-looking JoJo in an Argentine crowd jumping up and down.

During the commercial break, Eric and I discussed Robby.'s prospects. Eric was hesitant. “Robby…he’s a swimmer, and that girlfriend thing…” he trailed off.  “A swimmer?” I responded. “He’s not a soccer player.” “They’re pretty close,” Eric said. “Are my comments on the record?” he asked. “Yeah,” I said.

Coincidentally, in Erie, Doug was expressing concerns almost concurrently over Robby's character. "This Robby dude seems like a douche too," he commented. Melissa didn't mention who the precedent douche was. Perhaps it was the Marine. Doug complained "God! That Alex guy! All the time! Has to be the first one! (to hug)." "Then short jokes commenced on how he wouldn't be able to be seen if he didn't run to the front," Melissa recorded. “Can’t wait for that #1 draft pick next season,” Eric said in Nevada.

Luke, Robby, Jordan, James Taylor and Alex went to an asphalt lot to play soccer with some Argentines. They set up a penalty kick scenario with a quick goalie. Nobody, including the two pseudo-professional athletes, scored except James Taylor, who looked like Wayne Rooney kicking a penalty kick vs Iceland that I watched in the Rio Pavilion earlier that day. 

During the night portion of the date, JoJo and Luke made out while the latter clutched the former’s thigh. James Taylor told JoJo about an "altercation" with Jordan that centered around kicker cards in ranking poker hands. Eric and I thought it was hilarious.

Jordan made some weird gestures like reaching into his jacket for nothing. James Taylor said he was entitled. “How does one act entitled when stating that the rules of a game are such?” Jordan asked. For some reason Eric got up and stood behind the couch while watching. Bailey took his spot. Luke got the date rose, which Bri, Doug and I all had predicted. Doug said he was convinced that JoJo just wants to "bone the hell out of him and then send him on his way."

Chase and Derek went on a 2-on-1 date. Bri & Doug instructed Chase to "not be weird". The Marine continued his anti-Derek campaign. “Derek is just a little weird,” he said. Eric and I talked about nervous tells the guys had, like when Jordan sipped his drink when JoJo asked about his ex or Derek rubbing the top of his head. “There’s no question that there’s a glimmer of love here,” Derek said. “Delusion,” Eric said. Eric said he thought Derek had a 55% chance. I felt about 55% for Chase so we gambled on it. “[JoJo] might be the smartest Bachelorette,” Eric commented. “Kaitlyn was pretty sharp,” I said. “Kaitlyn?” Eric asked. “The last one,” I explained.

JoJo questioned Chase about his lack of recent vulnerability. “It’s new for me to have to express those kind of things,” Chase explained. Then they made out. "Turbo bonking his head on the table was the most exciting thing that happened during this 2 on 1," Melissa said. "These dudes are so lackluster."  JoJo kept Chase and got rid of Derek, so I won the bet, but we lost a player on our team. Then a woman sang “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” while Derek wept in the hearse. I imagined Melissa exclaiming “cha-ching!” In reality, she said "I think that Derek had to pinch his inner thighs to get the tears flowing," Bri noted how "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" has only that one line sung in English, and they laughed imagining how boring Derek would be as the next Bachelor.

The Marine seemed to think it might be him going home or it might be James Taylor. The Erie folks looked up how tall the Marine was. 5'7". "Unfortunately James Taylor's confidence is equally as short," Melissa said. Bailey growled when Chris Harrison came on to say it was the final rose. “I just hope she comes in here and she picks one of us, that she does what she came here to do,” the Marine said. “I can live with that.” She didn't. Instead JoJo gave all the guys a rose at the rose ceremony.  

Standings

Andrea & Zack -  26 points

James Taylor - 12
Chad - 3
Vinny - 8
+3 last team standing bonus

James Taylor's days are numbered. However, he does have an outside shot at next Bachelor. That could be enough to hoist A to Z to another title if everything else broke right.

Julia & Paul - 25 points

Robby - 13

Ali - 3

Evan - 9
Barring a shocking revelation (which was hinted at some point during a trailer), Robby is a lock for hometowns. He has an excellent shot at either winning or becoming next Bachelor, which is worth just one point less. With a three point lead on us and five points on Kelly & Phil, the soon-to-be-marrieds might have the best shot right now.

Melissa & Tom - 22 points

Luke - 12

Derek - 9

Will - 1
Derek netted zero from his dismissal. He lost his 2-on-1 (-1 points) and cried (1 point). What do you y'all think of this scoring? Should losers of 2-on-1s be punished more than one point? Should male criers receive more than a point?

Kelly & Phil - 20 points

Jordan - 12

Christian - 3

James F - 5
Jordan, who I am now referring to as "Jordan" at Phil's request, might not be able to make up the deficit K&P face. It's going to be hard for him to outscore Luke, and he'll have to beat Robby by five. Jordan could win and K&P could still lose.

Bri & Doug - 20 points

Chase - 11

Wells - 8

Nick - 1
Wells lost a point last episode, as he went on a 1-on-1 (2 points), and failed to get a rose from it (-3 points). What do y'all think of that? Should 1-on-1 losers be punished more than a point? I feel like it happens rarely enough that they should.

Andie & Eric - 18 points

Alex - 11

Grant - 7

James S - 0
I was confused by the Marine's stay of execution. He's simply not on the same level as his rivals, and that's not a height joke. Why keep him around another episode when he's drawing dead? It smells fishy. Perhaps the producers called an audible after Wells was sent home on his 1-on-1, needing six players for the remaining episodes. Those six happen to be the first six players we drafted. Everyone still has their first round pick, and no one else. Well played. Well. Played.